Everyone wants to experience the feeling of falling in love. It’s one of the most beautiful feelings to experience. You’re vulnerable. You emotionally give yourself to someone. It’s when you’re at your happiest. But, with everything, there’s a downside. You can’t ride the high forever, and even if you’re in love, there’s a chance they’re not. We’re not trying to scare you, but sometimes we have to learn how to unlove someone when we don’t really want to.
Love can work out, it can be wonderful for a long time then start to decline, or it can go wrong very quickly. You have no way of knowing how your relationship is going to go. Perhaps that’s why love is so exciting and so thrilling – you have no choice but to hang on tight and enjoy the right, with no idea where its going to go. [Read: How to get over a heartbreak: The 9 step guide to mend your heart]
Of course, the fear of being hurt can be overwhelming. For some, it stops them from reaching out to someone they care about and having a real go at a relationship. However, if you don’t try, you never know.
The journey is always a lesson no matter how it ends. If it doesn’t end the way you wanted it to, you still have memories to cherish and you probably learned a fair amount about yourself and about love along the way.
Never allow fear to stop you from loving. It’s scary to be vulnerable, but isn’t a lonely life an even more of a scary thing to face? What ifs and maybes at no fun at all. [Read: Fear of intimacy: The hardships of being afraid of love]
You might have taken a risk in love before and ended up hurt. Being rejected isn’t fun, spending your nights crying and rewinding the situation in your head isn’t a good time. But it’s something many of us will experience. Don’t take it as something negative—it’s life.
Though we must admit, there will always be some who scar you more than others, even some that really traumatize you. It takes longer to get over them, but you WILL get over it. Learning how to unlove someone is not easy, but it’s possible. You simply need to give it time and celebrate every small win along the way.
Maybe unloving is the wrong word, but it’s not about not loving them either. If you truly love someone, you will always love them. This is more about accepting the fact that a relationship between you two is not possible right now. We don’t know if you’ll get back together or not, but you can’t wait for them. This is about learning to let go. [Read: When you should stop loving someone]
If you want to know how to unlove someone, you need to accept the fact that it isn’t going to happen. The relationship, yeah, it ain’t working out. We know you want to try as hard as you can to keep things together or to make someone be with you, but you can’t do that. It fails that way. Accept the fact that it’s over. It’s hard, but this is something you need to do. [Read: Loving someone you can’t have – 15 ways to handle the pain]
If you want to get over someone, stop contacting them or have them stop contacting you. You need at least a minimum of three months without contact in order to grieve on your own, in private. Tell them that you need your space and they should respect it. If they don’t respect your space, then they don’t truly love you. Red flag, people! [Read: 12 reasons why the no contact rule always works]
Listen, I know this is a popular way to get over someone, but if you have a new partner the next day, you’re not actually allowing yourself time to get over the other person.
How can you grieve someone when you’re already making out with someone else? Learning how to unlove someone doesn’t work like that. You need time on your own to process your emotions. If you rush into a new relationship, you’re not being honest with yourself or this new person. Don’t rebound because you’re scared to be alone with your thoughts, embrace them.
We know there are equations to help you figure out how long you’re going to be sad after you remove someone out of your life. The equations are crap. Listen, your emotions cannot be measured by a math equation. Everyone is different.
Some people may take weeks, some months, and others take years. Does it mean you’re less of a person because it takes you a year to get over someone? There’s no time limit. [Read: How long does it take to get over someone? The magic number]
We know, everyone tells you, “focus on you.” Though you nod your head to their advice at the same time, you’re probably like, “What the f*ck does that mean?” We get it. But they’re right.
What they mean is that you need to do things that make you happy. Focus on doing things that provide you joy. Now’s the time to grow into your own person. Remember you liked painting? Remember how you loved to ride your bike along the riverside? Do it and do it now. [Read: How to be happy again and draw happiness from within]
This is the hardest thing to do. It might feel like you’re deleting them out of your life, removing them from your memory. Which in a way, is kind of what you’re doing.
But don’t think of it like that, you need to look at it as a need to move on. How can you move on if you cyberstalk them? One of the key steps in unloving someone is not having them on your social media feeds every five minutes.
We know you’re going to replay the good moments you had with them in your head over and over. Most people can be like a broken record when they’re trying to get over someone.
You might analyze every single thing they ever said, the look in their eyes—all that crap. This is normal and we’re not going to tell you not to do it. If you do it, it’s okay. But you need to remind yourself of how that person really made you feel outside of those beautiful moments. Keep those memories close to you because the moments you had with that person weren’t always happy. Remove those rose-tinted spectacles and see things for how they actually were. [Read: How to get over someone you really love – 14 steps to get there fast]
We’re not saying this because your friends and family aren’t going to give you the help you need. They are, of course, but they’re probably tired of listening to the story too. No offense. You’ve probably told the same story so many times that they simply say the same advice to you over and over again now. That’s not going to help you if the original advice wasn’t that great to begin with.
Basically, they won’t always be able to give you the help you need. Talking to a therapist is a great way to help process things in your mind. Plus, they give you the bird’s eye view that you need.
It’s good to be alone when you’re dealing with your emotions. You need that personal time to yourself so we’re pro-alone time. However, if you’re no longer seeing your friends then this is when it becomes a problem.
You need to make sure you allocate a certain amount of time a week to seeing your support group, AKA, your friends and family. They’ll help you laugh and put you in good spirits. [Read: How to make the absolute most of your alone time]
They don’t have to be people you want to sleep with, that isn’t what we mean. Though, you should be meeting new people in general. We know this person took up a lot of your time, we know you invested your free time with them.
Now that they’re not around, you need to fill that time up with positive people. Go out with your friends, take new classes, and meet people through that. Basically, you need to surround yourself with people who enjoy the same things as you do. [Read: How to make new friends as an adult]
We know it sounds a little PG-13, but it’s true. Go get your hair cut and colored, get your nails done, get a new outfit. We don’t care what it is, but do something that boosts your self-esteem and makes you feel how you used to feel.
Though you’re grieving over someone, this doesn’t mean make yourself feel worthless. It didn’t work out with this person, but it will work out with someone else. In the meantime, you can focus on feeling fantastic about yourself. [Read: When you miss someone – 20 mind tricks to stop missing the wrong person]
Now, you don’t have to do a worldwide trip. Of course, you can if you want, but not everyone has the means. A good piece of middle ground could be a weekend getaway. Basically, remove yourself from the environment. Sitting at home all day and night watching romance films isn’t going to do it.
Get yourself out of the spot that reminds you of that person. This helps you clear your head and gain some perspective on the situation. [Read: 12 inspiring travel destinations for soul searching]
When you’ve spent some time grieving, it’s time to look at the issues that were in the relationship. It’s a two-way street. There are going to be things you did that you should admit to.
Sure, you two had a lot in common, but you need to see what went wrong. This way, you can use this information and acceptance for self-growth and your next relationship.
When you’re missing someone and wishing things were different, you’re probably not going to be looking too hard for life lessons. However, as the darkness clears a little, you’ll be able to identify things that you can take into a new relationship, and things you can learn about yourself. We’ve mentioned identifying the problems in the relationship and working out where you might have gone wrong, but what about the entire lesson as a whole? [Read: 12 Things about love you’ll only learn from experience]
What did the entire relationship teach you? Has it taught you that you need to value yourself more? Perhaps it taught you to be less of a doormat and to stand up for yourself? It might have taught you that you need to compromise more and communicate better.
Identifying these things doesn’t mean that you’re going to beat yourself up with it and wish you’d done things differently. It means you can use the information to improve yourself, both inside and outside of love.
[Read: Breaking up with someone you love: 20 right reasons to walk away]
Learning how to unlove someone isn’t easy, and it’s not going to happen overnight. Don’t try to rush through your emotions though, you’ll move on when you’re ready.
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