Everyone wants to experience the feeling of falling in love. It’s one of the most beautiful feelings to experience. You’re vulnerable. You emotionally give yourself to someone. It’s when you’re at your happiest. But, with everything, there’s a downside. You can’t ride the high forever, and even if you’re in love, there’s a chance they’re not. I’m not trying to scare you, but sometimes we have to learn how to unlove someone.
How to unloved someone – The little steps that make a big difference
I’ve made the love risk a couple times and ended up eating shit. Being rejected isn’t fun, spending your nights crying and rewinding the situation in your head isn’t a good time. But it’s something many of us will experience. Don’t take it as something negative—it’s life.
Though I must admit, there have been some guys who have scared me more than others, some that really traumatized me. It took me much longer to get over them and maybe I’m still not fully over them. However, I’m not awake at night thinking about it… anymore. So learning how to unlove someone is not easy, but it’s possible.
#1 Realize it’s not about unloving them. Maybe unloving is the wrong word, but it’s not about not loving them. If you truly love someone, you will always love them. This is more about accepting the fact that a relationship between you two is not possible right now. I don’t know if you’ll get back together or not, but you can’t wait for them. This is about learning to let go. [Read: When you should stop loving someone]
#2 Accept it. If you want to know how to unloved someone, you need to accept the fact that this isn’t going to happen. The relationship, yeah, it ain’t working out. I know you want to try as hard as you can to keep things together or to make someone be with you, but you can’t do that. It fails that way. Accept the fact that it’s over. It’s hard, but this is something you need to do. [Read: Loving someone you can’t have – 15 ways to handle the pain]
#3 Cut contact. If you want to get over someone, stop contacting them or have them stop contacting you. When I was trying to get over my ex, he constantly called me which didn’t help. I thought we could be friends but not right away, it doesn’t work.
You need at least a minimum of three months without contact in order to grieve on your own, in private. Tell them that you need your space and they should respect it. If they don’t respect your space, then they don’t truly love you. Red flag, people! [Read: 12 reasons why the no contact rule always works]
#4 Don’t rebound. Listen, I know this is a popular way to get over someone, but if you have a boyfriend the next day, you’re not actually allowing yourself time to get over the other person.
How can you grieve someone when you’re already making out with someone else? Learning how to unlove someone doesn’t work like that. You need time on your own to process your emotions. If you rush into a new relationship, you’re not being honest with yourself or this new person. Don’t rebound because you’re scared to be alone with your thoughts, embrace them.
#5 Give yourself time. I know there are equations to help you figure out how long you’re going to be sad after you remove someone out of your life. The equations are crap. Listen, your emotions cannot be measured by a math equation. Everyone is different.
Some people may take weeks, some months, and others take years. Does it mean you’re less of a person because it takes you a year to get over someone? No. I’m still getting over the last guy I dated—we were together for three weeks and that was a year ago. There’s no time limit. [Read: How long does it take to get over someone? The magic number]
#6 Focus on yourself. I know everyone tells you, “focus on you.” Though you nod your head to their advice at the same time, you’re probably like, “What the f*ck does that mean?” I get it. But they’re right.
What they mean is that you need to do things that make you happy. Focus on doing things that provide you joy. Now’s the time to grow into your own person. Remember you liked painting? Remember how you loved to ride your bike along the riverside? Do it and do it now. [Read: How to be happy again and draw happiness from within]
#7 Get them off of your social media. This is the hardest thing to do. I unfollowed my ex from all social media and believe me, it was like I deleted him out of my life, removing him from my memory. Which in a way, is kind of what you’re doing.
But don’t think of it like that, you need to look at it as a need to move on. How can you move on if you cyberstalk them?
#8 Don’t only think about the good times. I know you’re going to replay the good moments you had with them in your head over and over. Trust me, I’m like a broken record when I’m trying to get over someone.
I analyze every single thing they ever said, the look in their eyes—all that crap. This is normal and I’m not going to tell you not to do it. If you do it, it’s okay. But you need to remind yourself of how that person really made you feel outside of those beautiful moments. Keep those memories close to you because the moments you had with that person weren’t always happy. [Read: How to get over someone you really love – 14 steps to get there fast]
#9 Talk to a professional. I’m saying this because although I think your friends and family can provide you with support, they’re probably tired of listening to this story. No offense.
I remember the glazed look in my friend’s eyes when I retold the story for the 80th time. They won’t always be able to give you the help you need. Talking to a therapist is a great way to help process things in your mind. Plus, they give you the bird’s eye view that you need.
#10 Alone time is good, but to a limit. It’s good to be alone when you’re dealing with your emotions. You need that personal time to yourself so I’m pro-alone time. However, if you’re no longer seeing your friends then this is when it becomes a problem.
You need to make sure you allocate a certain amount of time a week to seeing your support group, AKA, your friends and family. They’ll help you laugh and put you in good spirits.
#11 Meet new people. They don’t have to be people you want to sleep with, this isn’t what I mean. Though, you should be meeting new people in general. I know this person took up a lot of your time, I know you invested your free time with them.
Now that they’re not around, you need to fill that time up with positive people. Go out with your friends, take new classes, and meet people through that. Basically, you need to surround yourself with people who enjoy the same things as you do. [Read: How to make new friends as an adult]
#12 Give yourself a makeover. I know it sounds a little PG-13, but it’s true. Go get your hair cut and colored, get your nails done, get a new outfit. I don’t care what it is, but do something that boosts your self-esteem and makes you feel how you used to feel.
Though you’re grieving over someone, this doesn’t mean make yourself feel worthless. It didn’t work out with this person, but it will work out with someone else. [Read: When you miss someone – 20 mind tricks to stop missing the wrong person]
#13 Get away from it. Now, you don’t have to do a worldwide trip, I mean, you can, I’m not saying it’s bad. But you can also do a weekend getaway. Basically, remove yourself from the environment. Sitting at home all day and night watching romance films isn’t going to do it.
Get yourself out of the environment which reminds you of that person. This helps you clear your head and gain some perspective on the situation. [Read: 12 inspiring travel destinations for soul searching]
#14 What were the problems in the relationship? When you’ve spent some time grieving, it’s time to look at the issues that were in the relationship. It’s a two-way street. There are going to be things you did that you should admit to.
Sure, you two had a lot in common, but you need to see what went wrong. This way, you can use this information and acceptance for self-growth and your next relationship.
[Read: Breaking up with someone you love: 20 right reasons to walk away]
Learning how to unlove someone isn’t easy, and it’s not going to happen overnight. Don’t try to rush through your emotions though, you’ll move on when you’re ready.
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