If you have an emotionally distant partner, you’ll understand how frustrating it can be. So, how can you improve things and help them open up?
You used to be so close, always sharing your thoughts and feelings, but lately, something has changed. If this happens in your relationship, it can make you feel worried and insecure. Turning into an emotionally distant partner can happen for a number of different reasons, but trying to work things out is important before the gap between you becomes too wide.
An emotionally distant partner can be a frustrating thing. Some people are just a little more emotionally closed off than others.
However, the whole point of a relationship is to allow yourself to show vulnerability, so if they stay closed off for too long, it can spell trouble for you. [Read: 19 reasons why we’re afraid to open up to people and steps to overcome it]
The power of emotions
Emotions are powerful. And they can sometimes feel like they’re carrying you away on a wave of something you don’t quite understand.
With that in mind, what are you supposed to do when those emotions turn negative and you’re confused about why your partner isn’t opening up to you?
As we briefly touched on, not everyone is as emotionally available and open as others. If you’re quite an open person, dealing with an emotionally distant partner can cause confusion and pain.
But it’s important to remember that we’re all individual and different in our own right.
When your partner isn’t as open as you are, it can cause you to feel like they don’t care about you as much as you care about them. While that’s usually not the case, just thinking like that can drive a huge wedge between you two.
When a partner is quite emotionally distant and you’re the opposite, it can cause major problems over the long term unless you come to a happy medium. [Read: 20 non-negotiables in relationships you shouldn’t ever compromise on]
What does “emotionally distant” mean?
Before we carry on, let’s define what emotionally distant actually means.
Emotionally distant can mean two things depending on the situation. Firstly, a person might be emotionally unavailable. That means that they simply aren’t outwardly emotional, or perhaps they don’t have a great degree of empathy. In some cases that might also mean that they’re a tad bit narcissistic.
Now, just because someone doesn’t show their emotions, don’t go around calling them a narcissist! It can be a sign, but not necessarily the reality.
Remember, narcissism has to go hand in hand with several other signs to come to a real conclusion.
Secondly, emotionally distant can be a phase. If your partner is having a tough time at work or struggling with their studies, this might cause them to ‘go into themselves.’
As a result, they don’t share their thoughts and feelings with you as much. They might come across as detached and not be as chatty as they would normally be.
In this case, it’s often not a reason to worry if you can identify the cause of the phase. If it goes on for a prolonged period of time, however, you might need to sit down with your partner and figure out what is going on. [Read: How to stop the negative people in your life from sapping your energy]
Why do people become emotionally distant?
Aside from a temporary period of stress in someone’s life, there are other possible reasons.
To understand how emotional distance happens, turn your thoughts inward. Consider situations in your life that have caused you stress and anxiety. During those times, did you feel like being your normal self? Probably not.
Did you go out as much and chat as happily as you normally would? Again, probably not. That is what your partner feels like if they are going through a period such as this. [Read: How to reduce stress – 17 fastest hacks to a calmer and happier life]
When you look at the situation that way, you can understand it and therefore deal with it much better.
But there is another possible explanation to address. Now, we don’t want to scare you, and it’s important to realize that this is the worst-case scenario, i.e. not really that likely to be the cause. It’s something you simply need to bear in mind.
A partner can become emotionally distant when they’ve already checked out of the relationship mentally. Maybe you’ve done this before and not even realized it. [Read: 21 honest reasons why your relationship is drifting and why it happens]
So, how can you tell? If someone has mentally and emotionally checked out of a relationship, it often goes on for a period of time; it’s not just something that happens over a few days.
If that’s the case, it’s far more likely to be a stressful period related to something completely different. [Read: 50 best relationship topics and things to talk about in a relationship]
The signs your partner is growing emotionally distant
If you’re not sure what this entire situation looks like in practice, let’s highlight some signs that someone is starting to distance themselves from their emotions and the situations around them.
1. They stop coming to you for advice
An emotionally distant partner won’t want to talk to you about things going on in their life and they’re likely to avoid asking for advice.
This isn’t necessarily an insult to you, but perhaps they’ve gone so far into their own heads, they can’t handle extra “noise.” [Read: Relationship compatibility – what it is, 40 signs you have it, and ways to improve it]
2. They stop sharing their life
This isn’t a great sign, but again, it can be a temporary thing that doesn’t necessarily mean doom and gloom.
However, if someone is emotionally distant, they won’t bother to share parts of their life with you; they’ll keep it to themselves.
3. You stop having sex
This is probably one of the main signs that someone is starting to become emotionally distant. If you used to have an active sex life and things have dwindled lately, it’s possibly because they’re distancing themselves from their emotions.
You need an emotional connection to have sex within a relationship. Sure, casual sex doesn’t need that, but you’re not in that type of situation. So, if sex starts to remove itself from the menu, it’s not a great sign. [Read: A lack of affection and intimacy in a relationship – is it time to walk away?]
4. They are purposefully critical
This isn’t a great situation to be faced with. If your partner starts to criticize you like this, you need to sit down and ask them what’s going on.
However, it is a sign of an emotionally distant partner and someone who is either going through a hard time *still no excuse for their cruel remarks* or who is checking out of the relationship. [Read: Lessons to deal with judgmental people]
The side effects of no emotional connection
We’re not suggesting that you should open up completely and share every single one of your waking thoughts with your partner, or that they should do the same with you.
But there does need to be an emotional connection otherwise what’s the point?
Without that, how can you separate yourselves from mere acquaintances?
When a relationship starts to show little emotional connection, it’s time to take action or risk the union breaking up completely. Here are some of the negative side effects of no emotional connection between partners, either on both sides or just one. [Read: Toxic relationship – what it is, 107 signs, causes, and types of love that hurt you]
1. Being unhappy in the relationship
If one partner is emotionally distant and the other isn’t, it’s very likely that one will be a lot unhappier than the other. The longer this goes on, the more damage it does.
2. You grow distant
When both or one of you are emotionally distant, you don’t just stop talking about your feelings, but you also grow apart in general.
You start to speak to other people and try new things separately. In the end, you have nothing in common anymore. [Read: 20 revealing signs that show you may be growing apart]
3. An excessive need for alone time
Feeling cut off from your partner can make you feel pushed out. At first, you might want to try and move closer to them to try and get them to open up, but when that doesn’t work, you’ll spend more and more time alone because it feels better.
Your partner is also likely to want to spend time on their own too, which simply pushes you toward growing apart.
4. Differences in emotional needs
One of you may need more emotional reassurance and connection than the other. That incompatibility will cause the end of your relationship if you don’t talk about things and come to a compromise on both sides. [Read: 33 emotional needs in a relationship, signs it’s unmet, and how to meet them]
5. Loneliness is disheartening
An emotionally distant partner can make you feel like you’re being shut out and as such, you’ll feel lonely. While spending a little ‘me’ time is healthy, feeling lonely isn’t.
6. Self-doubt
This type of situation is bound to make you doubt yourself and wonder whether your partner is checking out of the relationship or whether they’re perhaps seeing someone else.
Over time, you might become paranoid and start doubting everything they say and do.
When the trust has gone, there’s little else left. [Read: Overcoming self-doubt – 26 signs and best ways to stop doubting yourself]
7. A huge amount of stress
Relationships aren’t easy, but they’re not supposed to feel like a battleground either. If your partner is closed off and you feel like you don’t have much of a connection, you’re going to be stressed most of the time because you’re not sure what’s going on.
Stress isn’t healthy, especially when it goes on for a long time.
8. Repression
Instead of sharing their feelings with you, they go back into themselves and shut off completely. This makes you feel even more worried about the state of your relationship and kickstarts a negative cycle of anxiety. [Read: How to stop being toxic – 19 steps to not be bitter or blame others]
9. Projection
Projection is when rather than talking about their feelings, they project them onto you. This is a sign of someone who is probably going through a hard time and doesn’t know how to handle it.
If you notice this sign, it’s likely that they’re dealing with something and that’s what is causing them to be emotionally distant.
10. Infidelity
This is one of the most extreme effects of an emotionally distant partner. If you’re struggling with your partner’s lack of openness, you’ll doubt yourself to the point where you may seek solace in the arms of someone else. [Read: What is considered cheating? The painful types and ways to set boundaries]
Similarly, a person who is naturally quite emotionally distant might not be able to handle their partner who is the opposite, and they’ll seek someone who is less “demanding.”
We don’t have to explain that neither situation is healthy or conducive to a happy relationship.
How to close emotional distance with your partner
If you do notice that your partner seems to be a little ‘off,’ there are a few ways to deal with it.
Rather than panicking and assuming that your relationship is coming to an end, take some time to think things through and work through the situation carefully.
But of course, in the end, if nothing changes, you might want to reconsider your choice of partner. [Read: 38 small changes to better your love life and improve the relationship ten-fold]
1. Observe the situation
The best thing to do initially is to observe. Wait it out and see if the phase passes. We all have times when we just feel a little down or we’re stressed and need to process something going on in our lives.
Don’t jump in and panic if they’re a little quiet and detached for two or three days. This has to be something that goes on for a few weeks before you start to question things seriously.
2. Communicate
Ask your partner if they’re okay. If they say they’re fine, let it go. Don’t push it. Constantly asking if they’re okay might get them even more stressed.
Let them know that if they want to talk about something, you’re there. Then carry on with your life, observing. The likelihood is that eventually, they’ll tell you what the problem is, or it will pass naturally and everything will return to normal.
If you notice that the emotional distance progresses or it turns into coldness, it’s time to sit down again.
Avoid placing blame and keep the conversation light. Explain that the way they are acting is concerning to you and causing you to feel neglected. [Read: 18 emotions you just shouldn’t feel in a healthy relationship]
3. Carry on with your life
Make it clear that you can’t continue to be affected by their negative stance. In that case, take your mind off things and go out and do things you enjoy. It’s quite likely that this is enough to shake them out of their funk.
If not, it means you’re not sitting around waiting for them, tolerating their coldness.
If they tell you that something is bothering them, work together to try and fix the issue. It might be that they just need a little reassurance or some advice on how to handle something. However, don’t push unwanted advice their way. [Read: 20 relationship problems that push a couple apart or bring them closer]
5. Eliminate the negatives
It’s easy to start seeing things that aren’t really there when you’re in this type of situation. You begin to question everything and overthink. Before you do that, eliminate the negatives and focus on the positives.
6. Give them some space
Maybe they just need a little space to deal with whatever is bothering them and then they’ll come back. Don’t overcrowd them; simply let them know that you’re there if they need you and then give them a little room to breathe. [Read: 15 ways to give space in a relationship and feel closer than ever before]
7. Don’t play the blame game
Look, as hard as it is, some people just don’t like to open up about their feelings. An emotionally distant partner can simply be that way naturally.
You can’t blame them for being themselves, but at the end of the day, you can’t put up with something which causes you upset either.
If your partner isn’t normally this cut off and you suspect they’re dealing with something, blaming them for making you feel bad won’t help them. Try to be as supportive as you can, without it affecting you too negatively.
8. Be sure to work on yourself first
In most relationships, problems aren’t quite as cut and dried as they appear. Yes, one partner might be doing something or acting in a way that affects the other, but the other partner is rarely blame-free either.
Take some time to work on yourself and try to understand where your partner is coming from. In relationships, we sometimes need to compromise. [Read: 28 self-improvement secrets to improve yourself and transform into your best self]
9. Schedule date nights
If a problem is causing your partner to be a little distant, scheduling regular date nights could be all it takes to rekindle the connection. Make sure you focus on doing fun things and not talking about the state of your relationship. And don’t cancel your date nights either!
10. Have sex
Sex is often one of the first things to be affected when a partner is emotionally distant. You can try to bring the bond back together by having more sex and see if that helps. [Read: How often do people have sex to maintain a healthy relationship?]
An emotionally distant partner doesn’t necessarily mean the end
If your partner has always been a little emotionally distant and it’s really bothering you, you really need to sit down and do some careful thinking. Do you want to carry on feeling like this?
You can talk about how it affects you and ask if they’re willing to open up a little, but you can’t expect them to change for you completely either. In that case, perhaps your perfect match lies somewhere else.
However, for the most part, an emotionally distant partner is just down to a period of stress or worry that will pass in time. Don’t panic and think that everything is doomed—it’s probably just a phase that needs to be worked through before you can make it to the other side.
[Read: 33 signs of a failing relationship and lessons you learn when it ends]
When someone becomes emotionally distant, it can be hard to understand. There are so many reasons why this might be the case, but it’s important not to jump to conclusions.
