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Relationship Doubts: Toxic & Normal Signs to Read What You Feel

Relationship doubts are normal from time to time, but there are certain things you should pay attention to if you want to avoid an unhappy, unhealthy union. 

new relationship doubts

When entering a new relationship after a toxic one or after a long time being single, it’s pretty common to have new relationship doubts. This may stem from your fear of messing it up, your partner behaving differently from the beginning, or you projecting your own insecurities onto them.

These feelings don’t just disappear in one night, and old wounds take time to heal. It’s important to identify exactly what’s causing you to feel unsure and anxious and figure out how to deal with it. [Read: What to do when something doesn’t feel right in your relationship]

Is it normal to have doubts in a relationship which leave you seriously questioning everything?

Yes, it’s normal, because in that case, it means there is a problem in your relationship that needs fixing, or the relationship needs to end. However, in most cases, we have them because we’re feeling a little insecure and there’s really nothing wrong.

Doubts are a very normal part of being human. We have them because we’re scared, we’re feeling a little paranoid occasionally, we’re anxious, and we have them because there is a real reason for having them. It’s about figuring out which side of the fence your doubts fall onto.

Serious doubts, questions about the future which you’re pretty sure you know the negative answer to, are your instincts telling you that you have a problem you need to address. In that case, yes, these doubts are totally normal.

Doubts of any kind of normal, but what you do about them depends upon the doubts themselves. [Read: How to recognize your relationship doubts and make the right choice for you]

When relationship doubts become relationship doomed

Although having relationship doubts is totally normal, they can get out of hand. If your doubts go above and beyond questioning here and venting there, you may have more than doubts. 

If your doubts are more like intense jealousy or a complete lack of trust in your partner, all the communication in the world won’t solve your problem. Doubts come from within ourselves, but if you can’t overpower the negative thoughts and have faith in your relationship at the end of the day, you may have some serious trust issues.

And those sit with you for a long time until you face them on your own. [Read: New love – Should you say ‘I love you’ first or wait to hear it?]

If your relationship doubts surface once in a while and pass quickly, you may just be having a rough time with your partner. But if your doubts are constant and tend to hang around and lead to fights and aggression, they may be actual problems.

So if your doubts make you do more than hesitate when change comes along or need some time to yourself, you may have doubts within yourself.

Questioning your relationship and its longevity is normal. But questioning yourself or your partner’s behavior consistently could be a real problem that needs to be addressed. [Read: Can you overcome resentment in a relationship?]

What are the most common relationship doubts?

First of all, your feelings are valid, no matter if your doubts are true or they’re the result of overthinking and anxiety. Don’t let anyone make you think you’re being crazy or dramatic.

Just don’t act on an impulse.

You need to stay calm to figure out what these feelings mean because different ones require different responses. [Read: How to calm down – 15 instant hacks to put the crazy away]

If you have serious doubts about your new relationship or your partner, it’s something you shouldn’t ignore. But if you realize it’s all in your head, you can work on yourself to overcome this fear.

Now it’s time to figure out what you’re feeling. Once you have the answer, you’ll be able to take the next step. [Read: The 14 stages of a budding, new romance you’ll likely experience]

1. You’re having doubts because you’re unfamiliar with being in a relationship

Doubt is a response to change. So if you’ve never been in a relationship before or you were single for years before dating again, you’re going to have new relationship doubts.

Being in a relationship is a lot different from being single. When you’re single, you may not need to be answerable to anyone; you have fewer responsibilities; you don’t have to make joint decisions; and you can have your own peace of mind whenever you want.

So maybe all your doubts come from the fact that you’re a fish out of water and not sure yet what to do. You’re probably afraid you’ll do something wrong and mess it all up. [Read: How to recognize the doubts you feel and make the right decision for you]

2. You have past relationship trauma

This is a common cause for new relationship doubts. If you were in a toxic relationship for years, got out of it, and started dating again, there are many underlying issues that will make you feel doubtful.

Don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Good therapy will help you overcome your doubts and put the past behind you.

Talk to your new partner about your fears and do not shut them out. It’s not fair for them if you make them suffer for what someone else did to you. [Read: How to start a new life and 20 must-do steps to leave toxicity behind]

3. You’re insecure

Every one of us is insecure about something. Many of us are still trying to accept those insecurities, so the idea of someone else not only accepting them but also loving them seems quite surreal.

Ask yourself if your doubts are true or if you’re just projecting how you feel about yourself onto your partner.

Does the voice in your head tell you that your partner must think you’re fat, because that’s how you view yourself? Does it also tell you that your partner is looking at naked girls on the internet, because you’re looking at those girls and hating the fact that you don’t look like them?

While the idea that “no one will love you until you love yourself” may be toxic and incorrect, if you love yourself, it’s easier to accept that someone loves you. [Read: 30 signs of low self-esteem in a woman that reveal a need for self-love]

4. Do you trust them completely?

This is a serious question to ask yourself. If your immediate answer is ‘yes,’ then you’re probably just experiencing cold feet when you feel doubt creep in.

But, if you hesitate over something that’s been bothering you, then you probably don’t trust them. And if the reason for that doesn’t fall into any of the previous categories, then your doubts are probably true and you should trust your gut. [Read: 20 signs you can’t trust the guy you’re dating and he’s up to no good]

5. Are you attracted to them?

Physical attraction is important. Everyone can tell you otherwise, but at the end of the day, you need to be attracted to the person you’re in a relationship with.

Sometimes, the person we’re interested in can be great in every way, but we’re not aroused by them. It happens. You need to figure this out because if you marry them, you’ll probably only be having sex with them. [Read: In a relationship but sexually attracted to someone else?]

6. The sex is bad

Okay, so you’re attracted to them emotionally and physically, but the sex is very underwhelming. This makes you frustrated and worried because you really do like them.

If this is the case, you have to try to pinpoint what they or maybe both of you are doing wrong in order to fix it.

Sex is a very important aspect of a relationship, so if this is what you’re stressing out about, it’s valid to start feeling some kind of doubt about your new relationship. Talk to your partner and try to spice up your sex life together. [Read: 22 playful ways to make sex more interesting when it’s boring & lame]

7. You want them to be someone they’re not

Nobody’s perfect, so there must be something that you don’t like about them. There will be a few things you want to change about them, but if you’re in a happy relationship and the feelings are real, you will be just fine with or without those things, because you like them for who they are.

But, if you only like them for their potential, you need to think about whether this person is for you. It’d take less work to get yourself a new partner than to turn your current partner into someone else you’ve imagined inside your head.

8. You want to “fix” them

The “I can fix them” trope only works in books and movies. In real life, dating someone who’s terrible to you with the hope that you can make them a better person won’t get you a happy ending, an ending, yes, happy, no.

If someone truly cares about you, they’ll want to become better on their own without you pestering them to do it. In this case, your new relationship doubts are very real. [Read: Why won’t he change? Your man says he will but he never does]

9. You can’t be honest with them

Are you having doubts about your relationship because you cannot communicate your feelings to your partner? If you’re in a healthy relationship, you should be able to talk about anything without fear. So ask yourself why you cannot talk to your partner.

Is it because you’re afraid of opening up? Or is it because they don’t make you feel safe? [Read: How to stop overthinking in your relationship and calm down]

10. Your support doesn’t like them

Your family and friends know you better than this person. Sorry, but it’s true. These people have been in your life for years and years, seeing every good and bad side of you.

So, when you bring someone home, they can read through the lines. Your family and friends will see the red flags when you’re not paying attention. [Read: Help! My friends don’t like my boyfriend]

11. Your support is not always right

Sometimes, a jealous ‘friend’ will try to feed you lies and make you doubt your relationship. Everyone tells us how to detect red flags in a relationship, but not from a friendship.

If your doubts started way before your friend even said something to you, then their words probably just confirmed it. But if everything was fine until your friends said something, then maybe you’re just reading into things.

However, you don’t really know people inside out, so communicate with your partner, and if they’re showing signs of being deceitful, do not turn a blind eye to it. [Read: 15 ways a pathological liar hurts and confuses you with their lies]

12. Their support doesn’t like you

If you’re having doubts because your new partner’s family and friends aren’t nice to you, and you’ve done nothing wrong that you know of, talk to your partner and figure out why.

If your partner cares about you, they’ll try to resolve it. But if they choose to stand with their family and friends and don’t even hear your side of the story, maybe it’s time to walk away. You’re dating them, not everyone associated with them.

13. You don’t like them

Do you like this person for who they are? Not what they wear or the car they drive. But is this someone you can sit with and really talk to about deep topics?

If you’re feeling a disconnect, then this new relationship doubt you have is rational. But if you can talk with them about anything and be open and honest, maybe it’s cold feet. [Read: 34 big new relationship red flags most people completely ignore early on]

14. Is there more than just sex?

A lot of the times, people get into a new relationship out of fear of loneliness or they mistake lust for genuine romantic feelings. A relationship isn’t just about sex and the feelings should be mutual.

If you’re having amazing sex but lack a connection outside of the bedroom, these new relationship doubts are serious. But if everything is going well, maybe you’re scared of losing the intimacy, and this is something you can work on through communication and mutual understanding. [Read: 25 ways to emotionally connect with someone and feel closer]

15. It’s not the same as a beginning

When the honeymoon phase is over, you both start to get more familiar with each other, you realize that the sparks aren’t there anymore. If that’s what makes you panic, then calm down.

The relationship is always most exciting at the beginning because you didn’t know much about each other. Think about the feeling you had when you first started a book or a movie, not knowing what to expect. The more you watch it, the less you’re excited about it, but it doesn’t make it a bad book or movie.

The solution to this is to think of creative and new things you can do with your partner to keep the relationship alive. You can try a new activity every week, go to a new restaurant, or have romantic dinner dates. Doubts and changes are inevitable in a new relationship, so make sure it changes for the better. [Read: Relationship stages – 10 phases couples go through by months & years]

16. You’re unhappy with them

Try to figure out the specific reasons for this. Is it because they’re not giving you the space you need? Do they make you feel small?

Is it because they don’t value your hobbies? Or is it because they separate you from your family and friends?

Sometimes, you could be dating a narcissist who gaslights you so often that you don’t even know why you’re unhappy or if you should be. Don’t let them invalidate your feelings. If you don’t feel happy with them, you shouldn’t be with them. [Read: Why you should run if you see these early relationship red flags]

17. You’re unhappy without them

Could the reason for your doubts be codependency? If you find yourself wanting to be with them every second, every minute of the day, it’s most likely this is the problem.

When you’re in a codependent relationship, you tend to lose yourself and don’t know how to function when separated from your partner.

The solution to this is to find ways to be self-fulfilled. You can do this by making plans with friends, starting a new hobby, or taking yourself on solo dates. In order to feel good in a relationship, you must feel good about your life as an individual. [Read: 27 signs of an unhappy person that are hidden behind a happy smile]

18. You doubt your partner’s honesty

This could be due to your relationship history or your partner’s behavior. But if it is a consistent worry you have, then trust is a serious problem. And that requires more than just one conversation.

If you have talked to your partner about this and nothing was solved or even helped to soothe your doubt, this may not be a healthy relationship. [Read: Steps to telling your partner you’re unhappy]

19. You doubt your safety in this relationship

One of the most vital parts of a lasting relationship is that you feel safe with this person, both emotionally and physically. But if they have caused you to fear for your safety through violence or aggression, it is time to turn those doubts into a breakup, immediately. [Read: The signs of a controlling person you need to break up with]

20. You’re questioning the love

Whether you have been together for a long time and have both grown separate ways or something just feels off, this could be a bigger problem. Questioning whether you love your partner or if they love you can be a big red flag.

If you are unsure of your feelings, you have something to think about. But if they have given you a reason to believe they do not have your best interest at heart, they may be more interested in controlling you than loving you. [Read: How to know if you’re in love – 15 signs it’s not just butterflies]

21. You’re not sure about the future

When a big change is made or a big step is taken in a relationship, there is almost always doubt on one end, if not both. That means getting a pet together, moving in, getting married cause you to second guess.

All of these things require a major commitment and fear is a part of that for everyone. There is always a risk in love. But if you look at your relationship and know you have only ever been happy and cared for and respected, you may just be letting fears get the best of you.

Talk about it. This can mean venting to a trusted friend or even a parent. Talk to someone who has been where you are, and they may be able to offer some advice. And if you can’t shake the doubt that easily, talk to your partner. [Read: 12 life questions to help you visualize your future]

22. Fights make you feel insecure

All couples fight. It is a healthy part of any relationship. People disagree and things can get heated. Unfortunately that often means saying things you might regret and taking some time apart to cool off.

And doubting you and your partner’s compatibility after an argument is common. You question if this fight is the end of your relationship. You wonder if you are too different or want different things.

But often fights are brought on by everyday stress and may not mean as much as you think.

Cool off and look back. After a fight tensions run high. So before overthinking take some time to relax. Make sure you are calm before talking to your partner. Likely, you will both apologize for what you said in the heat of the moment and learn for next time. [Read: The biggest dos and don’ts in a relationship argument]

Doubts and issues are two different things

Doubts are little niggles in our brains which can either turn into issues, or simply ebb away like the wind in the trees. Issues are things which are constant problems, arguments that always crop up, things we go back to time and time again, like records stuck on repeat.

Listen to the issues. Only pay a little attention to the doubts. That’s the best way to look at it all.

[Read: Want your happily ever after? Look for these 14 signs]

Relationships are hard because every single one is different. Don’t be too hard on yourself when you begin to have relationship doubts. It’s your job to figure out whether they’re the real deal or just fear.

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