When you just want to be friends with the added benefits of a lover, here’s how you can ask that special someone for this unique relationship. By Danielle Anne Suleik
The concept of “Friends with Benefits” entails two people who wish to engage in a sexual relationship without the limitations of being committed to each other. Those two people do not need to perform the necessary nuances related to being boyfriend and girlfriend or otherwise.
How can you initiate a friends with benefits relationship?
Being friends with benefits with someone isn’t as hard as you may think. Here are some steps you can take.
Find a friend
These days, it’s easy to find someone who is willing to sleep with you, without any commitment. You just have to know where to look, whether it’s online, among your group of friends or among flings you’ve dated in the past. Just be sure you know what to expect from this relationship. If being lovey-dovey is what you’re after, then this type of relationship isn’t for you.
#1 Platonic friends. Your friends are a treasure trove of willing sexual partners. They are your safest bet because you can trust them. The problem, however, is that when you engage in sexual relations with a friend, it can end badly when you start to develop feelings for each other. So, make sure that you know the risks and are willing to face the consequences when faced with them.
#2 Online dating. A lot of people who use online dating to find prospective partners are usually interested in hook-ups. Most of them end up as one-night stands, but they can also develop into full-fledged friends with benefits relationships.
#3 Workplace. This is a tricky one because having sex with a co-worker can complicate your professional environment. You need to make sure that whoever you choose is willing to engage in a friends with benefits relationship, without letting it affect your work. [Read: 12 tips for dating your boss]
#4 Bars. Alcohol, skimpy outfits and loud music – this is the perfect combination if you are looking for a possible sex buddy. People in bars are not there to find someone to marry. They are usually there just to have fun with their friends or hook up with someone new.
#5 Hobby locations. Firing ranges, the farmer’s market or an open mic night at the corner coffee shop – these places are the prime location of strangers who are willing to make friends. Once you a find a friend in these types of locations, you can then attempt to initiate a sexual relationship with them, once you get to know each other better.
Initiate the arrangement
Once you find a friend, the next step is to make your pitch. You can’t expect to become Friends with Benefits immediately. You need to ease them in as you express your intentions.
#1 Start the conversation. Talk about anything other than sex. You need to check if your chosen friend is looking for something sexual, without outright asking them. Some people are not into being Friends with Benefits. That is why you need to establish whether that person is open to the idea.
#2 Express your intentions. Once you’ve moved on to relationship topics, you should immediately tell that person that you do not want to be a relationship. Don’t let it end there. You need to tell that person about your intentions as well. You can do this by subtly saying that you miss having sex. That will be the signal that will prompt your friend to ask whether it is something that you both might be into. [Read: How to get your friend to sleep with you]
#3 Set the boundaries. Now that you have established that you are definitely going to have sex with each other, tell them that this is not a one-time thing. However, make it clear that this is not a request for a commitment as well. It might be complicated, but your friend will understand once they realize the specifics of the arrangement.
#4 Lay down the rules. The rules are different from the boundaries that you set. Rules are specific. They are there to help your situation be less complicated. The rules depend on you and your partner’s needs. You can set the rules so you won’t need to date, talk or see each other more than necessary. It all depends on you, but a friends with benefits relationship requires both people to refrain from acting like they are in a relationship. [Read: Are you starting to fall in love instead of in lust?]
#5 Set the time, date and place. After expressing your intentions to your partner, you might end up sleeping together immediately. If that is the case, you can arrange your schedule after you’ve done the deed. Scheduling is necessary sometimes, because it can help you avoid any embarrassing situations when your friend turns out to be busy. It does not have to be a time-sensitive situation. You only need to know when your partner is usually available and vice versa.
Keep the relationship going
Being in a friends with benefits situation means that it can go on as long as possible. Unless you and your partner find someone else while you’re seeing each other, you can continue to sleep with each other. There are other reasons why things can end. An example is when you and your partner realize that you don’t get along. It can also end when one or both of you realizes that the sex is not as good as you expected it to be.
If none of those things happen, you still need to take steps to prevent the situation from turning into a one night stand. Apart from that, you have to understand that this person is free to sleep with other people. That is why there are a few rules that you need to understand in order for you to have a healthy friends with benefits relationship.
#1 Say hello once in a while. In order to do this, you have to communicate with that person on a regular basis. When I say regular, I mean around once a week – not once a day. If that happens, you could be bordering on committed relationship territory.
#2 You are not their mother. Do not attempt to treat your partner like a mothering hen. Do not ask them about their day unless it is necessary. Do not give them gifts, unless they are an old friend and there is an occasion.
#3 They will see other people. And you have to accept that. This also means that you need to be doubly safe. Always use protection and get yourself checked for STD’s regularly.
#4 Try not to discuss other people you’re involved with. Involving other people can complicate an already confusing situation. Do not mention the people that you are seeing and ask your partner to avoid mentioning who they’re seeing as well. Though you’re not committed, talking about other partners can give way to a bit of jealousy. [Read: 13 signs your partner is being too clingy]
Being in a friends with benefits relationship sounds like a good deal, but sometimes it can end badly. Although sex is an activity that can be enjoyed by two people, you can still develop feelings for one another because of it.
Before you initiate a relationship like this, always remember your limitations. Know that your feelings will not always be in line with your partner’s. When that happens, you have to talk about it, otherwise the issue might fester.
When you initiate a friends with benefits relationship, you are opening yourself up intimately to another person, while keeping your emotions out of the equation. If you decide to go through with this relationship, just make sure that you know exactly what you are getting into.
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Those who can’t do, teach. I can neither do nor teach as well as others, but I can try. Aside from being a writer, I am also a physical therapist. My dream is...