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Taking It Slow in a Relationship – How Should You Do It?

Rushing into things never works in the dating world. Instead, you need to know how to take things slow in a relationship, with one eye on the future.

taking it slow in a relationship

These days, life is fast. We want fast Internet, fast food, fast money, and fast sex. Some of us fall in love fast, and sometimes, even before that happens we’re have sex with our partner. Don’t you think we need to learn how to take things slow in a relationship?

For some reason, we all feel this need to rush things. We need our Amazon orders to come in an hour. We need traffic to be nonexistent. And we need our first date to turn into a relationship overnight.

But when something is done quickly, it may not be done right. When you rush into a relationship, you may bypass important milestones that help you grow together maturely. 

Whether you feel your relationship is moving too quickly or you want to know how to take a relationship slow from the start, it will pay off. [Read: How to fall in love slowly like you’re in a fairy tale]

What does taking it slow in a relationship mean and why is it a good thing?

Taking it slow doesn’t mean never moving on from where you’re at, it means not rushing. You don’t have to be in a hurry to hit so-called relationship milestones. You just move at your own pace.

It’s easy to meet someone and be in a hurry to define the relationship and put a label on it. But by doing that, you’re missing out on that delicious first stage when everything is full of butterflies and excitement.

You’re also giving yourself the time to get to know each other without feeling like you have a to-do list you need to tick items off.

Why is it a good thing? Because you’re enriching your relationship by really giving yourselves the gift of time. [Read: Getting to know someone – How long does it take?]

Why does moving too fast ruin a relationship?

Well firstly, it takes time to really get to know someone. In the first stages of a relationship, we’re all on our best behavior. You can’t be sure that you actually know this person and you certainly don’t know their flaws yet. So if you rush at this point, you’re not fully informed about this person.

One of the most beautiful parts of any relationship is the memories you make along the way. If you’re always rushing from one thing to another, you’re not giving yourself time to savor what’s going on. You’re missing the good stuff.

Then, when you’re committed and everything has gone by in the blink of an eye, you realize that this person’s flaws really annoy you. Or, that you don’t actually know that much about each other.

How can that be the basis of a strong and long-lasting union? [Read: 20 telltale signs your relationship is doomed]

Why people want to slow a relationship down

You would think that once two people make it past the first few dates, they would want to move forward at a relatively quick pace to form a lasting relationship. But not everyone feels that way. There are a lot of reasons why someone might want to slow a relationship down. 

And you might even be wondering yourself, “Why do I want to slow down this relationship?” It’s not always obvious – even to the person who wants to hit the brakes.

Here are just a few reasons why someone might want to slow a relationship down a little. [Read: What does love feel like? 33 signs you’ll feel when you are in love]

1. Fear of commitment

Commitment seems to be the norm in society, but not everyone likes it. For some people, they feel smothered or trapped, and it makes them want to get out.

The reasons for fearing commitment are unique to each person, so if you find that you are one of these people, it’s important to explore why you are afraid of it. [Read: Commitment phobia and 15 signs you’re just not ready to commit]

2. They don’t like the person that much

There are many times when you might like someone’s personality, but you’re not sure if you are attracted to them enough to pursue a relationship. 

Or, on the flip side, you might find them hot, but you’re not sure of their personality.

When you’re unsure, that’s when someone wants to slow down a relationship. Slowing down will help the person get perspective and assess whether this is something they really want to keep pursuing. [Read: How to know if you like someone – 30 feelings you should feel right now]

3. They are a player

Many people just want casual hookups and sex. They may have absolutely no intention of getting into a relationship because they are just looking to have some fun.

While there is nothing inherently wrong with this, others would rather not do it. Many people are serial monogamists and don’t want to play the field. But for those that do, it would definitely be a reason why they would want to slow down a relationship.

4. They just broke up with someone

This reason could tie into the “fear of commitment” reason. But it could be separate from that too. Maybe they just got out of a long-term relationship, and they don’t feel ready to jump into another one. 

Or maybe they got their heart crushed, so they are having a hard time trusting people again. Whatever the reason, many people are just hesitant to get into another relationship after a breakup. [Read: How often should you see your boyfriend or girlfriend?]

5. They are setting boundaries for intimate acts

It may be that a person feels the relationship is moving too fast and heading toward something they’re not quite ready for. Many people don’t want to jump into intimate acts without truly knowing someone well or having a commitment that’s true.

If that’s you, or your partner, it could be a reason for slowing things down.

6. They’re figuring out their wants and needs

If someone has just got out of a long-term relationship or perhaps they’re not sure what they want out of a relationship, slowing things down may be beneficial so they can work out what they want and need.

In this case, they’re not leading the other person on. [Read: 45 truths and real questions to get to know yourself on a much deeper level]

7. They’re trying to avoid ruining a good thing

Maybe a person has had bad experiences with relationships in the past and things started to go wrong after they took things to the next level. If they’re enjoying how things are and they’re worried about ruining a good thing, they may try and slow things down to keep everything as it is.

8. They’re setting a timeframe for relationship milestones

It could be that someone doesn’t want to hit a certain relationship milestone before a certain age or before they’ve been with someone for a set number of months or years.

While we shouldn’t necessarily go with set timeframes and milestones, if this is important to that person, it may be a rational reason for hitting the brakes.

How to take things slow in a relationship

Regardless of why you want to slow things down, it’s important to know how to do it without confusing the other person. Handily, we have plenty of tips. [Read: 11 signs to know if you’re only being used for sex or money]

1. Have active dates

If you’re determined to take your new relationship slow, consider your date ideas as a helpful tool. Having active dates, such as going to the beach, going for a hike, heading to dinner, or hanging out in groups may actually encourage the two of you to take it slow in your relationship.

Group dating allows you both to get to know one-another without the opportunity to get it on.

2. Lay down the line before you’re in too deep

Taking it slow in a relationship may seem a little scary and unknown at first, and there are certainly many questions to consider before taking the leap. That being said, it’s important to get it all out in the open at first to avoid confusion. [Read: Why men subconsciously find the chase irresistible and end up falling harder]

Simply let your partner know: “I want to take things slow. Is that alright with you?” Then you can figure out where the other person stands before you’ve gone in too deep.

3. Avoid sleeping over

The biggest no-no if you’re trying to take it slow is sleeping over, especially if alcohol is involved. Just because you’re trying not to sleep with somebody doesn’t mean you don’t want to.

In fact, *not* doing it is probably ensuring that sex is constantly on your mind. That’s why if you’re truly determined to go without sex until the time is right, don’t do anything that would make you tempted… like sleeping over! [Read: The 10 rules of spending the first night together]

4. Don’t leave out sex completely

Just because you’re not having sex doesn’t mean you don’t want your partner, nor does it mean you don’t want to be desired by them. While you may not want to have sex right away, make sure you send the occasional naughty text or whisper in the ear about how bad you want them or all the naughty things you’ll do to them once you take that step.

Remember, you don’t want to chase your partner away with your chastity. You want them to desire you. [Read: 20 sexy texts to start a naughty conversation, and yet stay away from sex]

5. Don’t forget to have fun

You’ll have plenty of time for sex later in your relationship. For now, get to know one-another and have fun dating and being together. Let’s be honest: Sex may be one of the most fun things you can possibly do with somebody, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t hundreds of other great things to enjoy with your partner!

Enjoy each other’s company and this fleeting time you have together before you actually *do* start hooking up, and let them see that you’re totally worth waiting for. [Read: How to be more playful and fun in your relationship]

6. Spend time with your other friends

New relationships can take over our lives. We may not cancel plans with friends to hang out with our new significant other, but we may be busy with them. 

If you feel this way, try to get your friends together. Go do things you would have done before this new relationship. Then you won’t feel like it’s taking over your life, and you’ll be able to slow down the relationship at the same time.

This new relationship should ease into your life, not be what your life revolves around. This also helps to set boundaries down the line. You should always have your own friends and time to yourself no matter how serious things get. [Read: How to pull back in a relationship when you’re giving too much]

7. Avoid making plans too far in advance or talking about the future

If you have been dating for three months and are making plans for a concert eight months from now, it can feel like you are moving way faster than you are. 

Making plans that far in advance can seem nice because it says you want to be together that long. But it can be intense early on.

8. Don’t text so much 

It can seem like the norm to text each other every waking hour. But it is so unnecessary. Not only is talking that much in the beginning A LOT, but it can feel smothering.

You can text good morning and maybe a funny meme you saw at lunch. Then catch up after work or before bed. You don’t need to keep a full conversation going all day long. That is a lot of pressure and commitment when you have a job, friends, hobbies, and more to focus on. [Read: 8 little texting mistakes new couples make all the time]

9. Take longer to respond to texts or missed phone calls

Some people might call this “game playing.” It could be seen that way, depending on how you use it. But it can also be used as an effective strategy if you want to know how to slow down a relationship.

You see, when you don’t respond immediately, or even in a timely manner, that sends a message. It says either that you’re too busy to answer, or that you are just not interested in responding right away. This isn’t a great way to let the person know you want to slow down, but it can be effective. [Read: The grey area of dating – but not in a relationship]

10. Don’t spend more than a few hours together at a time

Sometimes, you may get into a relationship super quickly, and it may not feel wrong either. Maybe you just feel the intense chemistry, or you both live far away and need to rush things every time you’re together, or your new partner is totally smitten and wants to spend every minute texting you or locked in your arms.

When you spend that much time together early on, it really pushes you together. You get used to having that person around all the time. It feels comfortable but you still really don’t know each other that well. Keep dates limited to a few hours and then you can move it up over time. [Read: Why saying ‘I love you’ too soon just completely sucks!]

11. Don’t see them too often

If you’re wondering how to slow down a relationship, you need to pay attention to the kind of interest the person you’re dating in investing in the relationship.

There are “high interest” people, and “low interest” people. High interest people are the eager ones who want to stay in communication constantly and see the other person a lot. On the other hand, low interest people are not as keen on seeing the other person as much or staying in contact on a regular basis. [Read: Types of relationships and how to define your love life]

If you are feeling only lukewarm about someone but still would like to see them occasionally, then make sure that you don’t see each other too often. People who like each other a lot and want to move quickly in a relationship will want to hang out all the time.

Minimizing time spent with someone will give them the message that you want to slow down.

12. Keep your emotions in check

When you first meet someone, it’s easy to allow your emotions to fly all over the place but if you want to keep things moving slowly, you have to control them. Check in with yourself regularly and question how you’re feeling.

Questioning your emotions will help you stay in control and you can do something about it if you feel like things are spiraling and you’re not able to hold back. [Read: How to control your emotions and become the pinnacle of restraint]

13. Experiment with different things together

When you’re both distracted with new experiences, you’re not going to think too much about where you’re going in your relationship and how fast it’s moving. Instead, you’re in the moment and enjoying everything around you. That’s exactly what you want!

14. Make sure your world doesn’t revolve around them and don’t fixate

When things are moving too fast, it means that you’re totally fixated on this person, you’ve decided they’re ideal for you, and your world has started to revolve around them.

Big mistake.

Instead, focus on yourself and fill your time. See this person when you can and enjoy the time you spend together. That way, you’re building an enriching life that isn’t reliant upon something or someone else. [Read: 14 signs of obsessive love you can’t ignore]

15. Avoid revealing everything about yourself

It’s easy to want to spill your relationship history and entire character when you’re enthralled with another person but it’s a mistake. Hold something back and allow them to get to know you naturally while you do the same with them.

That way, you’re able to understand how you really feel about this person without infatuation and the first flourishes of love getting in the way.

16. Wait before moving in

If things are going well, you might be tempted to suggest moving in together, or accepting that request from them. Wait! Living with someone is a whole different experience to dating them.

Give it some time and have your own lives before you start cohabiting. When you reach that point, you’re moving super-fast and you’re on the fast track to the long-term. [Read: Considering moving in together – exactly how big a step is it?]

17. Dates don’t have to be extravagant

Spend your time doing simple things and getting to know one another. When there are too many extravagant, exciting dates, it’s easy to mistake that excitement for love. But you’re actually in love with the experiences and not them.

When you slow things down and take your time to do the simple things, you’ll get to know them much better.

18. Big trips are a no-no

Just like extravagant dates, going on big trips is just going to speed things up before you’re ready for such a commitment. Spend time doing simple things and balance your life between the things you enjoy doing alone, spending time with friends, and doing things with them.

You’ll thank yourself for it later. [Read: 9 reasons traveling is a great test of compatibility]

How NOT to slow down a relationship

Everyone moves at different paces when it comes to relationships. You may feel like things are going too fast while your partner is perfectly content with the way things are.

Although there are a plethora of ways to know how to slow down a relationship and take your time, there are some ways it certainly shouldn’t be done. [Read: How to keep from moving too fast in a new relationship]

1. Ignore them

When you are just starting a new relationship and it feels like it is going too fast, it can be scary. That makes it easier to slam on the brakes by yourself. But, just because things are too fast doesn’t mean you can’t ease them down without full-on ghosting.

Let them know you like them but that you’re a little freaked out with the current pace of the relationship. You want to slow things down so you can feel comfortable. [Read: The psychology of ignoring someone – Why we do it and ways to fix it]

2. Pull away

Maybe you’re not scared enough of going too fast that you ghost, but pulling away without saying why is nearly as bad. If you keep spending time with this person but are less talkative or intimate, it could end things right there and then.

If you’re wondering how to slow down a relationship without things getting weird, pulling away on your own terms isn’t fair nor will it be successful. Try to get on the same page. [Read: What is causal dating? And how to know if you can handle it]

3. See other people 

Relationships can feel like they are moving too fast because of commitment. Sometimes, you still want to feel things out and date casually without losing touch completely. It’s understandable, but don’t just see other people on the side; not only will this confuse things for you, but if they find out, it could go south really quickly.

Always keep your partner in the loop about your dating life. Maybe you just started seeing someone else, and you may think it is no big deal and you don’t have to tell them about it. On the other hand, if things are going fast and you want to slow down the relationship, your new partner may assume you’re monogamous. 

Instead of creating any confusion, it is always better to share your thoughts with the person you’re dating, and make your dating status clear from the very start. [Read: How to date multiple people without being shady or called a cheater]

Why wait? The benefits of taking it slow

Learning is only half the battle! Now that we’ve seen how you can implement taking it slow in a relationship, here’s some great reasons why it’s a good idea!

1. It builds anticipation

Anticipation is important in all relationships, old or new. What’s more thrilling than the months-long foreplay of not getting to sleep with someone? You get the option of wondering all about their most private of areas.

This is the best kind of fun and frustrating. Remember, once you have sex with someone, you can never undo it. This is the only time during your relationship where you don’t know the ins and outs of their bodies. No pun intended. [Read: 10 reasons why saying “I love you” too soon just sucks!]

2. It prevents blinded expectations

Taking it slow in a relationship may actually prevent you from staying with a total douche-bag longer than you should have. Due to the love-drug known as oxytocin, some people become somehow emotionally bonded after having sex. This means you’re more likely to overlook their less than charming personality traits. [Read: Why oxytocin can be toxic to less-than-perfect relationships]

How many people have stayed with a total jerk longer than necessary just because they were having sex? Keeping sex out of a relationship for an appropriate amount of time allows you to properly fall in love with that person and get to know their real qualities and personality without a sexually charged bias.

3. It can uncomplicate things

By not having sex right away, you’re going to be able to get to know exactly what you are and are not getting into with this person. Assuming you want a committed relationship to follow, you’ll get to know if sex means commitment for your partner, and whether they see this as a long-term deal.

It also allows you to get to know your partner’s sexual history and STD-risks before things have already gotten messy. [Read: 18 tips to fall in love slowly like you’re in a fairytale]

4. You keep your life and your space

If you rush into a relationship, it will quickly take over your life and you’ll find that you have little time or space for yourself. When you learn how to take things slow in a relationship, you’re able to maintain your own time and space to do the things you love.

It isn’t selfish to do this; quite the opposite. You’re keeping a balance in your life which will help you to be a better partner.

5. It’ll help you get to know the person and establish a friendship

This is an obvious one, but if you slow things down, you’re giving yourself more time to actually get to know them and work out what they’re really like. It’s easy to be on your best behavior when a relationship starts, but slowing things down means you can get past that.

You’ll also be able to develop a friendship first, which is the best foundation for any relationship. [Read: How to get to know someone – 18 ways to open up and make true friends]

6. You can better enjoy this exciting, early stage of the relationship

This is the best bit! Why do you want to rush it and move past it before necessary? While the butterflies and excitement might cause you to lose your appetite occasionally, you’ll look back and wish you’d savored this part for longer.

When you slow things down, you’re able to really embrace every second of this crazy yet wonderful time.

7. You’ll be able to tell the difference between genuine feelings and infatuation

Everything is confusing when you first meet someone and you can never be sure how you really feel. Are you falling in love with them or the idea of being in a relationship? Is it infatuation or do you really feel something?

Slowing things down allows you to spend some time figuring all of this out. [Read: Infatuation vs love – how it feels, 28 differences and ways to turn it into love]

8. You’re less likely to miss important red flags

We’ve mentioned that when you first meet someone you’re on your best behavior. That means you may not be able to spot important red flags from the get-go. These are things which emerge over time, and if you’re going too fast, you may miss them.

Take your time and you’ll be able to spot these red flags and question them before you make a potential mistake.

Can you take a relationship slow when your partner doesn’t want to?

Everyone moves at their own pace. If you and your partner don’t match, talking about it can help you meet in the middle. But, for those that can’t budge, no amount of slowing things down will fix it.

If someone you’re with cannot accept what you need from them and isn’t willing to slow things down for you, then stopping things altogether may be what is needed. Them not being able to respect what you need may be the sign to make up your mind once and for all.

[Read: 25 relationship rules for successful love]

Now you know how to take things slow in a relationship, if you want to wait, DO! You should never feel pressured or uncomfortable in your relationship.

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Natasha_Ivanovic
Natasha Ivanovic
Natasha Ivanovic is an intimacy, dating, and relationship writer, and the creator and author of her short stories on TheLonelySerb. She completed her first degr...
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