Did you know that there is scientific evidence to show that asking personal questions is a good way to get to know someone you like? A psychologist at the State University of New York at Stony Brook wanted to know how people were able to form romantic relationships with strangers they just met.
As an experiment, researcher Arthur Aron had an hour to raise intimacy levels between couples. This kind of intimacy was usually done over the course of weeks or months together. Aron decided to create a set of questions for couples to ask each other that could elicit this type of connection. [Read: Intimacy in marriage: 19 signs it’s fading & secrets to keep it alive]
Arthur Aaron was both surprised and happy with the the results of his experiment. It turned out the subjects who asked each other the set of questions felt a stronger connection to their counterparts compared to the control group.
It makes sense if you think about it. Asking people questions about themselves is flattering– it shows that you are interested in them. In a world where no one is interested in anything except their phone, feeling seen is rare and flattering. Asking intelligent, informed questions is a great way to get anyone to like you, romantically or otherwise. [Read: 25 Moves to get a player to like you & hook him before he hooks you]
Telling someone something personal *non-TMI* stuff about yourself is a way for them to get to know you quickly.
Asking personal questions allows you to essentially hack your love life and jump forward in intimacy. Which is great! [Read: Talking vs Dating: 16 ways to tell them apart & know your exact status]
You’re not being duplicitous by trying to make your date like you better, you’re actually doing the opposite by telling them all about yourself. The same thing goes for asking personal questions– you just want to get to know them better and vice versa. Where is the harm in that?
So, what can you do to boost itimacy and ask personal questions? You read on and learn about questions you can ask to get to know someone you like better! [Read: Try these 60 get-to-know-you questions for a new romance]
Now, this is the tricky part. There is such a thing as too personal. Some questions might be inappropriate for a first date. Here’s a brief guideline of things to avoid asking about on a first date
For whatever reason, an alarming number of people want to ask questions about their potential partners sexual experiences on the first date. Not only is it rude, but it’s extremely off-putting.
You are trying to get to know each other, not close a sexual business deal. It’s best not to pry into that kind of private information right off the bat, even if you are just looking for someone to sleep with. Everyone wants to be treated like a person, after all.
This is a tricky one. If you are someone whose faith is really important to them, it makes sense to seek someone with similar values. But that kind of vetting needs to be done before the date, not during. Otherwise it can be wildly awkward.
Additionally, many people have complicated feelings towards the faith they were raised in. They may have ascribed to a religion at some point, but decided to leave for one reason or another. These reasons are usually something painful they don’t wish to relive. So instead of bringing up religion ASAP, get to know each other a bit first and save the religion talk for later down the road, if at all.
All good relationships provide support. Maybe someday your relationship can blossom into one where you can discuss such sensitive personal subjects as mental health and past traumas.
However, it’s not something you need to talk about right away. If you demand to know if your date has a mental disorder, it will come off as rude and insensitive. What’s next, asking for their medical records? Inspecting their teeth?
On the flip side, you don’t want to deal with someone you just met trauma dumping all over you. Trauma dumping is the practice of telling your whole sob story, unsolicited, to anyone who will listen. This usually leaves the receiver of this tirade confused and exhausted. It’ll likely make your date flee towards the nearest exit.
Your date is not your therapist, so don’t treat them like one. [Read: How to tell your boyfriend you need more attention & not sound needy]
Tacky! Don’t ask anyone you just met how much money they make, especially not your date. Don’t brag about how much money you make either– if you are really a baller, you won’t need to say it. People will know just by looking at you.
[Read: 14 awkward questions you should never ask a guy]
The questions you ask should be aimed to get to know your date. This is not to meant to interrogate them, but rather get to know their likes and dislikes, their values and their history.
Although this is not an interview, it is still a way for you to gauge how they react to certain topics and how they express themselves—either honestly or with reservations. The very act of sharing will definitely help you grow closer. Here are some examples you may use during your first date:
Keep the conversation going by asking informed questions, and make sure to really listen to the answer. Also, check and see if your date is asking questions too, or just answering.
A good conversationalist should want a back and forth. If they refuse to give real answers or ask questions themselves, take it as a red flag. They are likely a selfish person who isn’t interested in discussing anything except themselves. Either that, or they are boring, which might be worse.
1. Where did you grow up? What was your childhood like?
2. What is your favorite childhood memory?
3. What about your parents?
4. Who do you admire the most right now?
5. What was your favorite subject in college? [Read: 20 revealing questions to get to know someone better]
6. How’d you meet your best friend?
7. If you had a free plane ticket, where would you like to go?
8. Aside from the job you have now, what sort of work would you like to do?
9. What’s the best part of your daily routine?
10. What random topic do you enjoy discussing?
11. If you could compete in any sport or competition, what would it be?
12. If you had an infinite amount of resources, how would you use it to change the world?
13. Describe your perfect day [Read: 40 questions to ask your crush and subtly flirt with them]
14. Why do you think a lot of people are finding it hard to find relationships?
15. Who is your favorite superhero?
16. Did you like school growing up? Why/why not?
17. How was your relationship with your grandparents? Would you have changed anything?
18. Describe the best day of your life—one that has already happened.
19. What is your favorite memory of hanging with your friends?
20. How do you express yourself romantically?
21. What’s the most important thing in your life right now?
22. What is your favorite animal? [Read: 40 first date questions to have a fun conversation together]
23. What silly/harmless thing are you afraid of?
24. What’s your pet peeve?
25. What’s the first thing you bought with your first paycheck?
26. What’s the most offensive thing anybody has ever said to you?
27. Whats your favorite movie?
28. How did you end up working in your job right now?
29. What little thing makes you extremely happy?
30. What do you love about this city?
31. Where is your most favorite place here?
32. Who do you first look for when you encounter a problem?
33. If someone gave you a blank check *funded, of course*, how much would you write it for, and what would you spend it on first? [Read: 50 questions to immediately know if someone’s right for you]
34. What’s a song that moved you to feel something?
35. What movie made you cry?
36. What movie made you laugh so hard you cried?
37. Where would you like to live for the rest of your life?
38. How often do you find yourself thinking about your life?
39. What would you like to change in your life right now?
40. What advanced college degree would you have liked to study?
41. What do you think is the best profession in the world? [Read: How well do you know me? 35 fun questions for new couples]
42. What’s the best toy you ever got as a kid?
43. Is it important to you to have a clean living space?
44. How would you comfort someone who was depressed or in pain?
45. How expressive are you?
46. Do you prefer to go out or stay in?
47. Whats something you tried that you don’t want to do again?
48. How do you start your day?
49. Do you think you could own a plant and not let it die?
50. What do you think about pets?
51. What is the most beautiful place you’ve been?
52. What is your favorite kind of weather?
53. If you could eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
54. Are you an early bird or a night owl?
55. Do you have a favorite book?
[Read: 36 racy, random funny questions for flirty guys and girls]
Even though these questions aren’t prying, some of them could trigger negative reactions. Or, they could also signal the person you’re with is being less than honest.
1. They close off their body by crossing their arms and turning away, or leaning back.
2. They change the subject.
3. They answer with, “I don’t know,” refusing to elaborate further.
4. They answer with a very obvious lie.
[Read: 10 questions that will usually turn anyone off from answering them]
Now that you know how to get up close and personal with a date, it’s time to try it out on your next one. We hope these personal questions to ask someone you like can help you find the love of your life or at least your love for the night!
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