Have you found yourself in a relationship limbo and don’t know what’s going on? Let these tips help you find out if they’re secretly benching you.
There are so many terms in the dating world that keep being invented to explain all of the complicated emotions, mind games, and motives in relationships. Terms such as ghosting, tuning, and DTR. But a recent term has popped up to describe something relatively devious, and it’s called benching.
It’s more common than you would think, and we’ve all at some point been benched or benched someone else, whether or not we realize it. But what is benching, and how do you know whether or not it’s happening to you? [Read: Breadcrumbing: What it is, 28 signs to see it & respond and why people do it]
What Exactly is Benching?
Benching is a term used in the dating world to describe when someone keeps you on the sidelines while they decide if they want to commit. Essentially, you’re not actively involved, but they’re keeping you around as a backup option. This behavior is similar to how athletes are kept on the bench, ready to step in if needed.
Psychologically, this behavior stems from a desire for security and validation. Studies have shown that people often use dating as a way to boost their ego by keeping multiple options open *Toma, Hancock, & Ellison, 2008.*
The idea is to maintain a connection with you while still exploring other possibilities, just in case things don’t work out with their other options. It’s a way for them to feel secure without making a full commitment. [Read: Insecurity in a relationship: 34 signs & secrets to feel secure and love better]
Benching often occurs through digital communication channels like texting, social media, and online dating apps. These platforms make it easy to stay connected with multiple people without the pressure of making concrete plans or commitments.
This minimal-effort approach, sometimes called “breadcrumbing,” helps individuals keep others interested with just enough attention to prevent them from losing interest, while still exploring other potential relationships.
Understanding benching can help you recognize when someone is not fully investing in the relationship, allowing you to make more informed decisions about where to focus your time and emotional energy. Being aware of these behaviors empowers you to prioritize your own well-being and seek relationships that offer mutual commitment and respect.
How Can You Tell If You’re Being Benched? The Telltale Signs
Think you’ve managed to escape someone benching you? Well, here are ways to tell if you’ve actually fallen for it without realizing it. [Read: Signs you’re being led on and they’re taking you nowhere!]
1. They’re Hot and Cold
After texting and flirting for a while, they suddenly become distant or say things that appear to be out of character for no reason. And then a week later, they’re back to being fun and flirty. These attitude changes become more frequent, depending on how interested they are in keeping you around.
2. You See Minimal Effort
Sometimes it feels like you’re the only one that’s making any sort of effort, while they manage to put in barely any at all.
People generally put time and effort into things that they think are important, so if they don’t think you’re worth their time, then walk away for good.
3. All Talk, No Action
After a while, you start to notice that they tend to make a lot of small promises that never actually materialize. They promised you’d hang out at the end of the week, they promised they’d message you in the morning, and they promised to call you when they get home.
But then every time they back out last minute, or you don’t hear from them for a week – if at all. [Read: 5 unique traits that make a person trustworthy]
4. You Can’t Get Through
All your texts seem to go unanswered, or just stay on ‘read’ and you don’t get any response. Don’t panic – they’re not dead, they haven’t gotten stranded somewhere, and they definitely still have battery on their phone. They’re just ignoring you, for now.
5. You’re Being Blanked Online
They always seem to be online, but they’re not messaging you. They share content, write statuses, and like posts, but you get nothing.
If you find that this is the case when they’re active on Facebook chat or on whatsapp, there’s a possibility that they’re chatting with one of their other ‘options’ instead.
6. The Classic Excuse
When you don’t hear from them for ages, they’ll always use the same predictable line – they’ve ‘been so busy’ that they haven’t had time to message you back.
Here’s a tip – no one is ever that busy, unless they’re pulling 19-hour shifts at work, in medical school, or are a mega-celebrity. And even then, they’ll still try and find time for you if they want to.
7. It’s All a Magician’s Act
You may not have heard from them in days, or weeks, and just as you’re about to give up on them, they suddenly re-appear again. It’ll generally be in the form of a flirty text or well-timed WhatsApp, and it’s a great trick to keep you from realizing that you deserve more.
If you find this happens relatively often, then ignore them and instead invest your time in someone who doesn’t constantly disappear from you. [Read: Is she playing hard to get? 29 signs to read a girl’s mind & play it cool]
8. Test It For Yourself
If you want to check if you’re being benched, text them right now and suggest going for a coffee date when they’re free this week.
If they respond with ‘Yeah sure, when do you want to go?’ you’re probably fine. But if they respond with uncertainty, or decline and suggest doing it some other unspecified time, then they’re stringing you along.
9. The Flirtatious Chemistry is Gone
As time goes on, you’ve noticed them becoming less and less flirty. Their behavior is morphing into something you’d expect from a friend, but they haven’t stopped contact.
This is more than likely because they’re trying to distance themselves in case they decide to split, while still keeping you around in case they decide to stay.
10. They’re Full of It
They have a way with words, and can always cook up the perfect excuse for anything at any moment. There’s always a convenient reason for anything they’ve done wrong, or any time that they’ve not bothered to consider your feelings.
Don’t be fooled – they’re just trying to make sure you don’t catch on to their true motives. [Read: How to play mind games with a guy over text & stop him from using you]
11. Who Knows About You?
None of their friends seem to even know that you exist and, when you really think about it, they’ve never actually offered to introduce you to them either.
If their friends don’t seem to think that you’re in a relationship or anything that serious, chances are you’re being benched. [ElephantJournal.com: Why this dating trend is far worse than ghosting]
12. They Act as if Their Behavior is Normal
After no contact, when they suddenly decide to enter back into your life they’ll act as if nothing has happened.
They go straight back to where they left off, assuming that you’ve just been sitting around waiting for their return. Sometimes they won’t even acknowledge that they vanished at all.
13. You Never Actually See Them Anymore
You’ve started realizing that there’s no more real face-to-face contact between you. Every time you plan a date they seem excited, but then nearer the time, they make excuses or back out quickly.
Most of the contact you make is through the phone, or online, as this means they don’t really have to commit. [Read: How to play a guy at his own game & 40 ways to beat a player in style]
14. You Don’t Expect Much From Them
You constantly feel like you’re getting your hopes up, only to have them let down time and time again. It’s gotten to the point where you can’t even be comfortable planning dates or relying on them because you’re afraid that they won’t live up to what they’ve said they’d do.
15. You’re Starting to Feel Like You’re Going Crazy
Do they make you feel like you’re being needy, or unreasonable just for expressing your feelings and wanting respect? Do you feel like you’re losing your mind because they act like they don’t see what the problem is?
Ditch them, because anyone who invalidates your feelings or brushes them aside isn’t worth it. [Read: Gaslighting – 16 signs the person you like is messing with your mind]
16. Online Mind Games
When they’re on social media, they tend to like the statuses you post, but they don’t actually message you. It can be so confusing and disorientating, but they’re only doing that because it’s a non-committal way of staying in the picture. It gives them a presence in your life, without having to actually communicate with you.
17. You’ve Given Up Fighting It
You’ve become so used to their sporadic behavior that you’ve even started justifying it, or making up reasons as to why they’re like that.
Don’t judge someone based on the parts of them that appeal to you, judge them based on 100% of who they really are. The more you overlook their shortcomings, the more you’re wasting your own time. [Read: Selfish people – 15 ways to spot and stop them from hurting you]
Why Do People Bench Others?
You might be wondering why someone would keep you on the bench instead of fully committing. It’s a common question, and the short answer is that people have various motivations and circumstances that lead them to bench others.
It doesn’t necessarily mean they are bad people; often, their actions stem from personal insecurities or uncertainties. Understanding these reasons can help you navigate your relationships better and recognize when someone might not be ready to give you the attention you deserve. [Read: How to tell your boyfriend you need more attention & not sound needy]
1. Fear of Commitment
Many people bench others because they have a fear of commitment. This fear can stem from past relationships where they might have been hurt or from general anxiety about losing their independence.
When someone is afraid to commit, they prefer to keep their options open rather than invest fully in one person. This allows them to avoid the vulnerability that comes with a committed relationship.
Studies in relationship psychology show that commitment fear is a significant barrier to forming lasting bonds. By benching, they can maintain control over their romantic lives without feeling trapped.
2. Emotional Unavailability
Emotional unavailability is another common reason for benching. Individuals who are emotionally unavailable struggle to connect on a deeper level, making it difficult for them to engage fully in a relationship.
They might keep someone on the bench to avoid confronting their own emotions or to prevent getting too close. This behavior often masks underlying issues such as past trauma or unresolved personal conflicts.
Emotional unavailability, as it turns out, can lead to patterns of superficial relationships and prevent meaningful connections. Benching allows them to maintain companionship without the emotional depth required for a committed relationship.
3. Maintaining Multiple Options
Some people bench others because they want to keep multiple romantic options available. This approach gives them a sense of security, knowing they have backups if one relationship doesn’t work out. It’s a way to hedge their bets without committing to a single person. [Read: Dating multiple people: The stress-free way to have fun doing it]
They might be doing this due to their insecurity or a desire for variety in their romantic lives. As mentioned earlier, maintaining multiple dating prospects can boost self-esteem and reduce the fear of loneliness. However, it often leads to shallow connections and can hurt those who are being benched.
4. Lack of Clarity About Their Feelings
Sometimes, people bench others simply because they’re unsure about their own feelings. They need some time and space to figure out what they really want without having to make any quick decisions. This uncertainty means they can’t fully commit, leaving you in a sort of waiting period without knowing where you stand.
It’s not always about trying to manipulate you; often, it’s just that they haven’t figured out their own emotions yet. By keeping you on the bench, they’re postponing making a definite choice until they feel more certain.
Unfortunately, this often happens at your expense, leaving you feeling stuck and unsure about the relationship. Understanding that their lack of clarity isn’t necessarily about you can help you decide how to move forward and take care of your own feelings. [Read: How to take care of yourself emotionally and avoid falling apart]
5. Avoiding Emotional Investment
Benching can be a strategy to avoid deep emotional investment. By keeping someone at arm’s length, individuals can enjoy the benefits of a relationship without the responsibilities that come with emotional intimacy.
Doing this helps them protect themselves from potential heartbreak or disappointment. It allows them to maintain a connection without fully opening up or relying on the other person.
Emotional avoidance is often linked to past experiences where they might have felt hurt or betrayed. As a result, benching becomes a defense mechanism to stay emotionally safe.
6. Boosting Self-Esteem
For some, benching others serves as a way to boost their self-esteem. Having multiple people interested in them can make them feel desirable and validated. It provides a sense of worth without the need for genuine emotional connection.
This behavior is often driven by insecurities and the need for external validation. Psychological studies show that people who seek validation through multiple relationships often struggle with self-esteem issues. By benching, they can continuously receive affirmation without the risk of committing to one person.
7. Enjoying the Chase
Some people enjoy the excitement and thrill of the chase more than the stability of a committed relationship. Benching allows them to keep the romantic pursuit ongoing without settling down. This can be linked to a desire for novelty and variety in their romantic experiences.
They might find the process of attracting and keeping someone interested more fulfilling than maintaining a long-term relationship. Consequently, benching becomes a way to sustain that pleasurable experience. [Read: Sense of self: What it is, 36 signs, tips & steps to raise it and feel great]
8. Unwillingness to Prioritize the Relationship
When someone benches another person, it often reflects their unwillingness to prioritize the relationship. They might have other commitments or interests that take precedence over building a deeper connection.
This lack of prioritization can result from busy lifestyles, career ambitions, or personal hobbies that demand their attention. Without prioritizing the relationship, they keep it casual and non-committal.
When people fail to prioritize the relationship, benching becomes a way to maintain a minimal level of involvement without fully integrating the relationship into their lives.
9. Testing Your Interest
Sometimes, benching is just a way for someone to see how much you care about the relationship. By keeping you on the sidelines, they’re watching to see if you’ll keep pursuing them even without any real commitment. [Read: Fear of commitment: 47 signs, whys & ways to get over your phobia]
This behavior often comes from their own insecurities or a need to feel validated by knowing you’re still interested. It’s a bit of emotional manipulation because they’re looking for reassurance without putting in the same effort themselves.
Research shows that people with attachment insecurities are more likely to use these tactics. Essentially, by testing your interest, they get the confidence they need without actually committing to you.
10. Not Ready for a Serious Relationship
Another reason someone might bench you is that they just aren’t ready to dive into a serious relationship. They might realize that their current life situation—like focusing on their career, studies, personal growth, or whatever it is—doesn’t allow them to fully commit right now.
By benching, they keep the door open without the pressure of taking things to the next level. It’s their way of staying connected while acknowledging that they need more time to get things in order.
The Psychological Effects of Being Benched
Okay, so confirmed, you’re being benched. If you’re wondering how this situation might affect you, let’s explore the psychological impacts of being kept on the sidelines in a relationship. Understanding these effects can help you navigate your emotions and take care of your mental well-being.
1. Confusion
When someone benches you, it’s easy to feel lost about where you stand in their life. Mixed signals and inconsistent communication can leave you unsure about their true intentions. You might find yourself constantly questioning the nature of your relationship and what you actually want from it.
This uncertainty can make it tough to make clear decisions about your romantic future. Ambiguity in relationships often leads to increased stress and anxiety. [Read: Signs of anxiety: How to read the signs ASAP & handle them better]
2. Insecurity
Being benched can take a serious hit on your self-esteem. You might start doubting your own worth and attractiveness when someone keeps you on the sidelines. These feelings can spill over into other areas of your life, affecting how you see yourself and your abilities.
Insecurity can make you more likely to accept less than you deserve in future relationships. Research in relationship psychology links uncertainty in romantic situations to lower self-esteem. It’s important to address these feelings to rebuild your confidence and recognize your true value.
3. Frustration
The lack of commitment and constant uncertainty that comes with benching can lead to a lot of frustration. You may feel stuck in a cycle where your needs aren’t being met and your efforts aren’t reciprocated.
This ongoing frustration can drain your emotional energy and make you feel powerless. It might also build up resentment toward the person who’s benching you. [Read: Emotionally damaged: How people get that way, 26 signs & how to heal from it]
Do you know that chronic frustration in relationships can contribute to stress and reduce overall happiness?
4. Anxiety
Being in a benching situation can really heighten your anxiety levels. Not knowing when or if the person will fully commit can create constant worry and stress. Anxiety can interfere with your daily life, making it hard to focus on work, hobbies, or other relationships.
Mental health research shows that relationship uncertainty is a common trigger for anxiety symptoms. Managing this anxiety through practices like mindfulness, therapy, or leaning on supportive friends can help reduce its impact.
5. Lowered Self-Worth
Negative relationship experiences can have long-term effects on self-esteem. [Read: How to respect yourself: 37 secrets of self-respect, self-belief & self-love]
Extended periods of being benched can erode your sense of self-worth. You might start to feel that you’re not deserving of a committed, respectful relationship. A diminished self-worth can affect how you interact with others, leading to negative self-talk and a lack of confidence
6. Emotional Exhaustion
Constantly being kept in a state of limbo is emotionally draining. You might find yourself investing time and energy into someone who isn’t reciprocating your level of commitment.
Doing this can lead to emotional exhaustion, leaving you feeling depleted and unable to engage fully in other parts of your life. Emotional exhaustion can reduce your ability to handle stress and negatively affect your overall well-being.
7. Impact on Mental Health
Being benched can really wear you down mentally. The constant uncertainty and lack of commitment can lead to feelings of stress, anxiety, and even depression. You might find yourself worrying all the time about where you stand, which takes a toll on your overall happiness.
It’s important to recognize how this situation is affecting you and take steps to protect your mental well-being.
8. Diminished Trust
When you’ve been benched, it can make trusting others in future relationships much harder. You might start to question everyone’s intentions, always worrying that they might keep you on the sidelines too. [Read: How to build trust in a relationship & learn to be loyal and loving]
This skepticism can prevent you from fully opening up and connecting with new people. It takes time to rebuild that trust, but focusing on healthy, honest interactions can help you move past these fears. Remember, not everyone will treat you the same way, and new relationships can be more fulfilling.
9. Difficulty Setting Boundaries
Being benched can blur the lines of what you’re comfortable with in a relationship. You might feel pressured to always be available or to respond to their needs, even when you’re not getting the same in return.
This makes it tough to establish clear boundaries and protect your own needs. Learning to assert yourself and set limits is crucial for maintaining your well-being. It helps ensure that you’re not putting yourself in situations where you feel undervalued or taken for granted.
10. Reduced Motivation for Personal Growth
Focusing too much on someone who is benching you can distract you from your own personal goals and growth. You might find yourself neglecting hobbies, career aspirations, or self-improvement efforts because you’re hoping to gain their attention or affection.
When you focus on them instead of all the other things that you should be giving your attention to, it can stall your personal development and make it harder to achieve the things you want in life. [Read: 36 secrets to motivate yourself to achieve anything your heart desires]
Redirecting your energy towards your interests and goals can help you move forward and build a more fulfilling life.
How to Handle Being Benched
Now the next question: What do I do? If you find yourself being benched in a relationship, it’s important to know that there are effective ways to navigate this situation. Here are some tips that can help:
1. Recognize the Signs
The first step in handling being benched is to recognize the signs that you’re being kept on the sidelines. Look for patterns such as inconsistent communication, vague plans, and a lack of effort to deepen the relationship *those that we mentioned above.*
Understanding these indicators can help you confirm whether you’re truly being benched or if there are other factors at play. Awareness is crucial because it allows you to address the situation proactively rather than remaining in a state of confusion. Once you recognize the signs, you can take the necessary steps to protect your emotional well-being.
2. Assess Your Feelings
Take some time to assess how being benched makes you feel. Reflect on your emotions, whether it’s frustration, sadness, or confusion, and understand how they are affecting you. [Read: How to talk about your feelings in a relationship & grow closer]
Journaling or talking with a trusted friend can help you gain clarity about your feelings. This self-reflection is important because it allows you to process your emotions and decide what you truly want from the relationship. By assessing your feelings, you can better determine your next steps.
3. Communicate Openly
When you suspect you’re being benched, it’s a must to communicate your feelings openly and honestly with the other person. Approach the conversation in a calm and non-confrontational manner, expressing how their behavior is impacting you. Use “I” statements to focus on your experiences rather than blaming them, which can prevent the discussion from becoming defensive.
This isn’t going to be the easiest conversation but effective communication can provide clarity and help you understand the other person’s perspective. When you address the issue directly, you create an opportunity for mutual understanding and potential resolution.
4. Confront the Person Respectfully
In connection, if you decide to address the benching behavior, do so respectfully and constructively. Express your concerns without attacking or accusing the other person, focusing on how their actions make you feel.
For example, you might say, “I’ve noticed we haven’t been spending as much time together lately, and it makes me feel uncertain about where we stand.”
Doing so encourages open dialogue and mutual understanding without escalating tensions. Effective confrontation techniques, supported by psychological studies, can lead to positive outcomes and improved relationship dynamics. [Read: How to confront someone when you loathe uncomfortable interaction]
5. Set Boundaries and Know When to Walk Away
After communicating your feelings and setting boundaries, it’s important to know when to walk away if the situation doesn’t improve. If the other person continues to bench you despite your efforts, recognize that you deserve a relationship with mutual commitment and respect.
Walking away can be challenging, but it’s necessary for your emotional health and personal growth. By knowing when to end the relationship, you prioritize your well-being and open the door to healthier future relationships because you deserve better than waiting on a bench for someone who’s not sure if they want you in their life.
6. Set Clear Boundaries
Establishing clear boundaries is essential when dealing with benching. Decide what behaviors are acceptable to you and communicate these boundaries to the other person. For example, you might limit the frequency of communication or define the level of emotional investment you’re willing to maintain.
Setting boundaries helps protect your emotional health and ensures that you’re not compromising your self-respect. [Read: 23 secrets to set personal boundaries & guide others to respect them]
7. Prioritize Self-Care
Focusing on self-care is vital when you’re being benched. Engage in activities that make you happy and fulfill your personal needs, such as hobbies, exercise, or spending time with friends and family.
Taking care of yourself helps mitigate the negative emotional impact of being kept on the sidelines. It also reinforces the importance of your own well-being, reminding you that you deserve attention and respect in a relationship.
8. Seek Support
Don’t hesitate to seek support from friends, family, or a mental health professional when you’re being benched. Talking to someone you trust can provide valuable perspective and emotional relief. Support systems can offer advice, share similar experiences, and help you feel less alone in your situation.
Reaching out for support will help you gain access to resources and encouragement that can aid in your healing process.
9. Evaluate the Relationship
Take a step back to evaluate whether the relationship is meeting your needs and expectations. Consider if the other person is willing to invest the time and effort necessary for a meaningful connection. [Read: Soul connection: What it means, types and signs to find & recognize it]
Reflect on whether the relationship aligns with your long-term goals and values. This evaluation helps you determine if continuing the relationship is beneficial or if it’s time to move on.
10. Focus on Personal Growth
Lastly, use the experience of being benched as an opportunity for personal growth. Invest time in developing your skills, pursuing your interests, and building your self-esteem. Focusing on personal growth helps you move forward and become more resilient in future relationships.
It also reinforces the importance of valuing yourself and your needs. Psychological research highlights that personal development contributes to overall happiness and relationship satisfaction. By concentrating on your growth, you empower yourself to create a fulfilling and balanced life, regardless of the outcome of the current relationship.
You’re Worth More Than That!
We can’t always understand why some people choose to bench others, but what we can do is take control of our own lives and decisions. By recognizing the signs of benching and implementing strategies to handle it, you empower yourself to seek healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
[Read: 45 big relationship red flags most couples completely ignore early in love]
Figuring out if they’re benching you is not always easy, but learning when to walk away is the hard part. If you feel like someone’s keeping you on the side, take back control. Stand up for yourself, cut them off, and let them waste someone else’s time. You’re worth more than that!
