Why the “Nice Guy” Isn’t Really Such a Nice Guy

nice guy

Is there a “nice guy” or two, buzzing around you, trying to get your attention, seemingly innocently? Here’s why the “nice guy” isn’t such a nice guy.

What does the “nice guy” really want? He wants to be with you. Plain and simple.

Men are not overly nice to women for no reason. He hopes that by being nice, he can worm his way into your affections.

This doesn’t mean every kind act from a man has an ulterior motive, of course not. If he is a friend or even a stranger sporadically doing a kind act, it doesn’t mean he is trying to get in your pants. He is probably just being a friend or a generally kind person.

When he is consistently being overly nice and going out of his way to be your knight in shining armor, then he is probably after something in return. There is a clear line beyond just being a friend. Friends tend to have an equal relationship. You would do something for them just as they would do something for you. It’s not a big deal – that’s just what friendship is.

The “nice guy” is different. This is all one-way traffic. He has put you on a pedestal and is always trying to do things to impress you or to get in your good books. A friend will do something for you when you need something, the “nice guy” will try to do something for you whenever he possibly can because he is trying to win points with you. [Read: The tricky mind games men play that any girl can win]

Why can’t the so-called “nice guy” just be honest?

Usually, because he is scared of being rejected. He will not tell you what he really wants up front because he lacks confidence and thinks you will reject him. If he can only show you how nice he is and let you get to know the “real” him, he thinks he has a chance with you.

He might have seen you dating bad boys or jerks, so he is more than happy to tell you that they are assholes and that you deserve better. This is coming completely from a place of self-interest. He wants to show you that he is not like those other guys. [A nice guy’s confession – Where to find a nice guy and why you shouldn’t go looking for him]

He is different and will encourage you to avoid them and actively talk down about other guys, under the pretense that he is protecting you and wants what is best for you.

He dreams of the day that you are heartbroken by the jerk you’re dating and come running into his arms. This is exactly when he would try to make his move and show you what he really wants – when you are fragile and upset. That doesn’t sound like a very nice thing to do, does it?

He wants you to be vulnerable, so that he can worm his way in and get what he has wanted all along.

Is the “nice guy” really that manipulative?

Usually, no. Not on purpose, anyway. He is probably unaware of what he is doing and would deny it to the very end. His behavior is born out of his own low self-esteem and lack of understanding of the value of honesty and integrity.

He is likely not trying to be conniving and manipulative, but that is just how his insecurities play out in his behavior towards women. He is probably a nice person, deep down, simply acting out of self-interest to employ a mistaken strategy to gain intimacy with the women he likes.

He has never been exposed to a better strategy, and thus assumes that what he is doing is what he is supposed to do. He will have grown up being told to be nice to women, to be kind and generous, and that this will make women like him.

Of course, men should be kind and generous, but what he fails to understand is that not every woman will like him just because he is kind and generous. Being kind and generous is a given, as it is the minimum expected from another human being, and to have fulfilling relationships with women, he needs more substance to his personality than just being nice. [Read: 10 signs he’s faking love just to sleep with you]

Everyone acts out of self-interest

If you understand that everything anybody does comes from a place of self-interest, you will be able to see through this strategy and choose wisely whether you want to associate with this kind of man.

We are psychologically wired to be selfish. It is human nature, born out of our evolved survival instinct. We value our interests above all else. Even people who go out of their way to be charitable are fulfilling their own self-interest, via the feelings that charity creates for them – their perceived impact on the world, gaining respect or praise from others, etc.

This all sounds like we are terrible people, but the psychological research is quite clear that we are primarily self-interested. Morality aside, it is just the way it is. In my opinion, the most moral and just thing anybody can do is act from mutual interest. [Read: 12 bad girl traits every guy wants to see in a girl he dates]

On acting on mutual interest

Mutual interest is fulfilling your own self-interest, whilst also acting to fulfill the other party’s best interests at the same time. In this context, I believe that being honest and upfront about desires and intentions is in everyone’s best interests.

The man is letting the woman know what he wants and is actively pursuing an intimate relationship with her *his self-interest* without manipulating her or trying to deceive her into falling for him. Whether she wants to pursue something with him or not is her choice *her self-interest*, but everybody knows what the situation is and where they stand. [Read: 15 reasons why nice guys finish last all the time]

What to do with the “nice guy”

In this author’s opinion, the best strategy to deal with a “nice guy” is to confront him. If you are sure that he is trying to sneak into your intimacy through the back door, so to speak, confront him about it. Tell him that it is never going to happen and that being nice is not going to get him anywhere.

Unfortunately, most women do not confront the “nice guy” because they like the attention and adulation he gives her. They put him in the friend zone and keep him around because he is kind and nice to her, offers a shoulder to cry on, and she knows she can rely on him to do things for her. [Read: 12 clear differences between a real man and a nice guy]

This only encourages the “nice guy” to maintain the faà§ade and hide his true intentions. Because he is never being rejected, he thinks that the nicer he is and the longer you are friends, the more likely he is going to get what he wants.

The fact that he never outright gets rejected acts to reinforce his belief in the superiority of his strategy. Why would he choose to be honest and face a potentially painful and humiliating rejection when he can continue as things are with the belief that one day, things will work out in his favor? *as long as you keep dating jerks while you’re his friend!*

[Read: Are insecure, nice men worth dating? Understanding the mind of nice guys]

In conclusion, nice guys are probably not evil, but they are acting from a place of self-interest. You, on the other hand, should be wary of possible ulterior motives or manipulation tactics if and when he decides to up the ante on his game.

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DISCUSSION

7 thoughts on “Why the “Nice Guy” Isn’t Really Such a Nice Guy”

  1. Monte says:

    I see that your opinion of nice guys are not very favorable and I have had my share of relationships with so called nice guys. They were nice or easy going in many cases but yes there were some character issues that turned out not so nice. They were very critical of themselves and thus very critical of how they thought I was treating them. There was one who was very deceptive because under that “nice” exterior was a devious side. When I ended the relationship he was very upset and held a grudge. Yes we need to understand the nuances of nice as it is informative to us.

  2. Veronica says:

    You know, it’s interesting to see this sort of topic come up because I was just thinking about my nice guy. Yeah, I love all of the attention and flattery he gives me, but what’s it all about? He can’t really be that nice, right? What guy is? All of these questions have been going around and around in my mind for the past month or so and I don’t know if I’m ready to get serious with him. We’ve been dating pretty steadily for a couple months, but lately I just can’t help but question all of what’s going on. It’s a confusing time for me. I wish there was some help.

  3. Mickey says:

    No, “nice” is just one more convenient excuse for most women to treat guys like s**t. That’s all.

  4. chris cunningham says:

    This is somewhat disheartening as it promotes selfish as normal. What it fails to address is that intimacy cannot be forced and attraction is based on more than being nice. The one who is more attracted loses power just as the boss has power over the employee unless there is a labour shortage. Men and women who settle for the nice guy and hope attraction will follow invariably feel disappointed due to a lack of passion. Infatuation passes but without the physical attraction it is hard to build a strong relationship. Ideally there is equal give and take in a relationship so working together actually builds more than two people acting from a selfish base. The individual mindset overlooks the benefits of considering the needs of the group. Selfish and greedy appear to be justified here, which contributes to someone feeling mistreated or used. In a nutshell, if you do not like the other person or value them enough not to feel entitled to exploit them you should be honest and let them go instead of stringing them along. This post sounds like a recipe for an s/m relationship as the nice guy scrambles to woo the disinterested party who no doubt feels frustrated by their persistent harassment and failure to take the hint.

  5. MR. Nice GUY says:

    Nice guys aren’t really nice guys because they have been stuck in that friend zone for a very long time that when they break free from it, you will see the inner bad boy in them, you would even like it if you’re into that sort of thing. It’s just human preference, you can want anything that you want to want and hate anything that you want to hate. Nice guys are most commonly taken for granted lonely guys who crave the attention of horny women to lay with them. That’s right, you read that correctly. Every nice guy you meet has this fantasy of fucking you till you bleed to death because they don’t get much action in the bed room. Nice guys finish last all the time but they do finish hard once they do get their turn. They will ride you like hell over deep waters. They will make you realize why you should’ve picked them in the first place but you might not want to pick them after knowing their true capabilities. Hey girl, do you know how many nice guys you put into the friend zone? Can you count them? Those are the guys who are silently waiting to make their glorifying move and they will steal your heart. Expect them. Expect us.

  6. OlBlueEyes says:

    As a confessed nice guy, I can say that the idea of the “niceness” of nice guys being a clever tactic to get into women’s pants is total BS. Am I nice to women? Sure. But generally no nicer than I am to other men.

    “He is likely not trying to be conniving and manipulative, but that is just how his insecurities play out in his behavior towards women. He is probably a nice person, deep down, simply acting out of self-interest to employ a mistaken strategy to gain intimacy with the women he likes.”

    Incomplete analysis. The reason that we nice guys get so pissed when women want nothing to do with us is quite simple. It’s because ever since we nice guys were nice little boys, we were told, often by women, that being nice is WHAT THEY WANTED.

    “Mom, how do I get girls to like me?”
    “Be nice, be yourself, and you’ll be beating them off with a stick!”
    “But Mom, it’s not working!”
    “Be nicer!”

    This advice is always given from a woman of authority (Mom, Grandma, Aunt, teacher). And, without exception, it is given with the best of intentions. And once the nice guy discovers the advice coming from a trusted source is misleading (at best) or straight up lies (at worst), well nice guy or not, he’s going to get angry. Probably intensely so. After all, this is at the heart of what makes him a MAN. Thus, as with any intense emotion, it drives him to think and act irrationally, with the anger inappropriately and unproductively directed.

    To top it off, getting angry with women is largely pointless. One might as well get angry at the sun for causing sunburn. But this is small consolation to a former nice guy, seeing his entire sexual worldview crumbling down around him. It’s the cognitive dissonance that burns with the fury of a thousand volcanoes.

  7. Daniel Stewart says:

    As a “nice guy” I am honestly offended by this article. Were actual nice guys even interviewed for this or is it the opinion of one or a few women? I am a nice guy to every one I meet. Plain and simple. To a fault even! In my attempts to help men and women alike, I have run the risk of legal ramifications (note I found out about the illegal side at the end of the kind act and parted ways immediately, but it still happened.)

    I am currently living in my car and yet still lend it to friends in need. I help people pay for meals. I console friends. Just for the sake of being there for them. I don’t have ulterior motives. I NEVER “get the girl” and have been single for over 2.5 years. I actually got upset when I found out a friend took me to bed because she felt bad that I hadn’t been laid in a years. After a few times with her, she went back to her cheating ex who fathered her daughter. And I have gone without, since. And I’m fine with it.

    There is a friend I deeply care about. Would love to be more. But I’m fine with being her best friend. And I did let her know how I felt. She told me it wouldn’t happen and now we joke about it! Do I miss the touch of a woman? Darn right I do! But I have turned women down many times in the past because they were drunk, or feeling vulnerable. I know psychology well enough to see when a person isn’t in their right mind.

    In fact, I hear my inner voice telling me how I’d love to hang out with various girls, and the thoughts that come to mind with that aren’t sexual. They are, for example, playing video games, watching movies, going skydiving, mentally engaging activities.

    The most intimate thoughts I have that I’d like to enjoy are cuddling! I actually prefer cuddling over sex! I’m not afraid to admit that either. My ex hated it actually. Shed get so mad when I would turn down sex because I wanted to just cuddle. She’d try to go further, and that would turn me off to the whole idea.

    I will give honest opinions to female friends I care deeply about. If I don’t feel a guy is right for them, I speak up. If I approve of a guy, I let them know. And yes, every girl I have gotten close to, I have found another guy they like, that I approve of. In fact, I have some exes who I have helped find new guys. All of my exes have ended up dating my friends. Sometimes a few of them.

    I grew up without a father. So my kindness comes from the heart of my mother. Its a genuine care for even those I have never even spoke to. If I see you, I start to care about you.

    I have no sense of self, so how can I act out of self interest? In fact no self is by definition, selfless. Why else would people get so mad at me for attempting to be selfish on rare occasion? Plus I have learned that when I try to do something for me, it ALWAYS (no joke, without fail, I truly mean always) backfires.

    In conclusion, just because a guy is always going out of his way for a girl, doesn’t mean he necessarily wants in her pants. It doesn’t mean he’s only behaving that way towards her. It doesn’t mean he has her on a pedestal. Granted some guys may be the way this article described, but to stereotype all nice guys as “should be avoided” because they are trying to manipulate you, is not only hurtful, it’s flat out wrong!

    I recommend an update explaining how to look for signs a guy has an ulterior motive, or if he’s just a rare good human.

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