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Why Are Women So Fickle in Love?

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Do women create confusions in their love lives or is the world just unjust to them? Jake Butler shares his opinion on why women are so fickle in love.

Through many years of my dating life, if there’s one thing I’ve noticed more often than others, it’s how fickle women in love are.

Now it’s not just my life I’m talking about, it’s all around me.

Women love fairy tales, chick flicks and romance in their lives. But yet, they create such messy gordian knots of love that they end up hurting others and themselves along the way.

Men and their love life

Looking into a man’s mind, he doesn’t really ask for much.

Even the greatest of guys are rather happy with their relationship. They spend evenings and weekends together with their girlfriend, and life is just perfect.

If there’s ever a circumstance of infidelity among men, in almost all cases, men cheat for two reasons.

They cheat using their bigger head, when they’re frustrated with their girlfriend for some reason or the other.

Or they cheat with their little head when they meet an attractive woman and the chemistry is intense.

It’s easy to understand a man’s mind. We like keeping it simple and easy. Men may not be gifted with the complex creative dimensions in love that women can boast of, but men are pretty content with what goes on in their mind.

And that makes it really easy for men to get caught with their pants around their ankles. All because men are too darn predictable. [Read: Cheating in a relationship]

Women, on the other hand, are a lot more complex to understand and predict. But their lives are way more complicated anyways!

Why are women so fickle in love?

I was in college when I got into a serious relationship for the first time. The relationship lasted about a year, but that ride of love was the craziest I’ve even been in, and I’ve still not been able to understand that relationship.

She was my first girlfriend and I was her first boyfriend. We started dating and exploring all that love had to offer within the first few months. We were happy, until she met a new group of friends. Soon she started partying hard, would avoid me more often, and would spend more time with her new friends and other new guys she would meet.

A few months later, she started getting cranky and moody, would party all night long with her new friends and pretty much behave like a confused idiot the next day!

One day, she would kiss me tenderly and say I’m the nicest guy on earth and she’s lucky to have me. Another day, she would treat me indifferently. And on some other days, she’d tell me she needs to stay away from me because she was going through some crap in her life. [Read: What to do when you like a friend]

Whew! I just couldn’t understand what the heck was up with her. Eventually, we ended up breaking up and making up every other day. She would break up with me, and come running back into my arms a few days later saying how much she needed me and how wrong she was to let me go. But all said and done, a confusing year later, I had to walk away for good. She was causing more damage to me than good. [Read: How to know if it is love or lust]

She pursued me on and off for a few months, but I knew the cycle pretty well to fall back into that trap of confusions. But to this day, I can’t understand why she just couldn’t make up her mind about what kind of a life she really wanted! I mean, really, if she really wants to party and meet new guys and get jiggy with them, stick to your plan and leave me out of your life! [Read: Is it a crush or limerence?]

Was that immaturity or was that a woman’s complex love brain going into overdrive?

Do women think of love as an all-you-can-eat buffet?

Now I’m not generalizing that all women are fickle in love. But there are a lot more fickle-in-love women out there than there are men who think along those lines. And any smooth talking man who gets the attention of women can vouch for this. And a smart Casanova knows how easy it is to play to a woman’s emotions and trick her into an easy fling! [Read: Having an affair with a married man]

It’s far easier to convince a woman that she’s in a bad relationship than it is to convince a man of the same. Men listen to their own feelings, women listen to everything else but their feelings. They listen to other people’s feelings. [Read: Why you can’t find love]

Tell a girl she deserves someone better than her boyfriend, and she’ll think about it. Tell a guy he deserves someone better than his girlfriend, and he’ll just nod his head and forget about it!

The main problem, at least from my perspective, is that women are actually far more shallow when it comes to love than men. Women like the attention and care that their boyfriend gives them. And as the months or years pass, and some other charming smooth talker gives them a little more attention and adds a few long phone conversations and extravagant gifts into the recipe, they can’t help but feel a surge of affection towards this new guy who makes them feel all warm, fuzzy and happy inside. [Read: Flirty text messages]

They like having their steady boyfriend, but at the same time, they really don’t want to miss out on the affection and the attention of the new charming guy! Now, several women may deny this, but put them in a similar situation and they’ll surprise themselves. Women are suckers for affection. If any smooth guy knows how to strike when the iron is hot, it’s pretty hard for a girl to resist his charm.

Really, if that isn’t an all-you-can-eat buffet kind of love, what is?

Are women more prone to having affairs than men?

Women don’t like giving a name to these kinds of special relationships. They recognize the fuzzy feelings, the sexual thoughts in bed, and the affection they feel for someone else, but they’ll never give this strange relationship a real name. By calling it an affair, they’re accepting that they’re cheating, either emotionally or physically. And they would never want to stoop that low. Instead, it’s so much simpler to just have a happy time with their own boyfriend and have a few special moments with someone else too, without worrying about what to call the relationship.

Fickle love and the confusions

Most women may not realize this, but you can’t really be in love with two people or try to hog the affection of two men, unless you’re in a happy ménage a trois. [Read: Threesome rules and troubles]

If you’re being secretive about it, at some point, you’re going to start comparing them with each other. And that starts all the confusions and the pain. And the worst part of all this, your partner will experience the same pain because you can’t make up your mind, and he can’t understand why you’re being so moody. [Read: Is he the one for you?]

And even when you make up your mind and decide that one man is better and more affectionate than the other, a week later or after a little fight, you’re bound to change your mind again. And at other times, you may have confusing conflicts every few hours. So why not just make up your mind and stick to it “for better or for worse”? [Read: How to make a relationship work?]

Is it a woman’s fault?

Now we can’t entirely blame women for this behavior. I just think it’s a trait in women that just can’t change. They always think they deserve better than the guy they’re with at any point of time. They assume they’re way better and can get any better guy if they ever wanted, and when a presumably better guy walks into their lives and showers them with affection, their instincts kick in and it reassures them that they deserve better than their own boyfriend. [Read: Love and dating facts]

So why are women so fickle in love? Perhaps, women do love a lot of drama in their lives. And being fickle in love is just one small part of the drama they constantly crave for that much needed satisfying and troubled sleep at night.

The author, Jake Butler, is a serial dater and chivalrous stealer of girlfriends, and looks forward to changing his ways when he meets a woman who can incomparably be happy with him. Which he claims, will never happen!


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Have your say!
  • Natty
    June 9, 2012 | Permalink |

    Again – what age is this website aimed at?

    To be fair though – I believe this article is written about good looking women mainly, those under 6/10 tend to be better at keeping steady relationships – oh and those with significant issues from childhood. Everyone has issues in childhood but there are some which really mess up womens chances for harmonious relationships.

    I have been extremely fickle my dealings with guys. Good thing is that I KNOW its my issue. I had a 4 year relationship with a great guy but I left him by cheating on him with a narcissist and attempted a relationship with him, which destroyed me at the time. I’ve met a few dickheads but actually, I’ve met and dated significantly more decent guys than dickheads.

    Gaining attention from these guys IS addictive. So despite this website giving dubious advice and its slightly patronising tone (again maybe its for younger girls?) then I would have to agree.
    Girls – make sure you recognise when you have an attention addiction – I did and I’m trying to rehabilitate.

  • Big P
    June 21, 2012 | Permalink |

    Because women are slaves to their emotions.Since the day they get there first period emotions dictate how they will react at any given moment.
    Emotions are by their very nature irrational, intense, subtle, overwhelming, confusing, exhausting and usually hit in waves or crash suddenly.
    Men need a catalyst to bring on emotions to feel there effect. Women are governed by them at every moment of every day.. Thats why there fickle. They’ve been driven crazy but the constant surge of changes in emotions. hot then cold, slut then saint,attentative then stand-offish. We as men should just enjoy the ride, keep a spereate bank account and move on when the storm hits.

  • Lea
    September 20, 2012 | Permalink |

    I’m female and I agree….

  • funkyfeline
    September 22, 2012 | Permalink |

    What you have said is extremely sexist. Are you saying YOU have never made a mistake in your relationship? Or that YOUR crap choice in women necessitates such a generalisation? I think you have offended just about every decent loyal woman there is in this world, with this adolescent rant, matey!

    Think that you’re God’s gift and women should be GRATEFUL for whatever scrap of affection she gets from you?? After all, nobody “better” than you even exists, do they?
    Or worse, how DARE she decide the sensible option is to go for a more considerate partner than you and get on with her life??
    Nobhead!

  • lidia
    September 25, 2012 | Permalink |

    Again, a well written article overall but in places not accurate and written to be very convenient for men.

    ”They like having their steady boyfriend, but at the same time, they really don’t want to miss out on the affection and the attention of the new charming guy!”

    I usually find this statement to be true about men (as well). I find that men usually like to have the caring wife at home, being nurtured and loved , but in the same time they don’t want to miss the slightly younger and thinner woman who they work with. They don’t want to miss the sex and excitement.

    ”Tell a girl she deserves someone better than her boyfriend, and she’ll think about it. Tell a guy he deserves someone better than his girlfriend, and he’ll just nod his head and forget about it!”

    That is not entirely true, is it? Come one; it is common knowledge that men have huge ego’s. It is also common knowledge that is most cases, if the woman doesn’t praise her husband for a couple of days/weeks and forgets to tell him how awesome he is, he will suddenly not feel appreciated.(it happens all the time in my relationship; dare I not to say thank you a million times because he has washed his dishes and he gets upset like a child).

    So I believe that having big ego’s and usually feeling not appreciated by their women, if a nice looking woman would tell a man: You deserve better; his imagination will already drag her into his bed.

    You can’t just assume women are the villains here.

  • Michael
    November 21, 2012 | Permalink |

    Mostly I agree with Lidia. According to my observations as I have gone through life, this is not a gender issue; being fickle, and cheating. People who truly have good moral character, are EXTREMELY rare, but they do exist. We as people can display ourselves to others in many ways, we can fool others. But at the end of the day, when we stand alone with ourselves and look into our hearts, who are we? What do we see? We are what we allow ourselves to become, we are formed by what we allow influence over us: at the end of the day life is about choice, there is no such thing as fate.

  • Sedi
    December 4, 2012 | Permalink |

    I’am a 27 years old female and i utterly agree with this write up. its so true but quite saddening because this emotional mix up of a thing has made me and many other girls lose meaningful relationships and has left us groping around for the best guy whom till now is AWOL (away without location). thanks love panky, your website is such a welcomed sight!

  • A Guy looking for answers
    January 2, 2013 | Permalink |

    There is another article on this website about a lady who broke up with a boyfriend who she said was perfect for her and that she loved. She said she broke up because she wanted to be single. I’ve NEVER, EVER heard a guy say that he wanted to be single when he’s in a relationship with a woman who he described in the same manner. I believe that it is absolutely true that any woman who believes she is hot and more attractive than other women will most likely act exactly as this article describes, and will find herself unsatisfied with her relationships even though she’s found a guy who treats her very well. Again, this applies to women who believe they are more attractive than the majority of women out there. However, I’ve found that these same women will not break up with a guy who they know does not like them nearly as much as they like him, provided that he doesn’t treat them very badly. I don’t say that as a criticism. It’s just reality.

  • Anon
    February 25, 2013 | Permalink |

    I do feel that this is true in general. It is speaking in generalisations, but still, I feel it is true. As a disclaimer, I usually do not speak in such broad and sweeping terms about individuals of either gender, but I’m pretty hurt at the moment so can only vocalise my thoughts. In my eyes, both men and women are incredibly lacking in the moral integrity department, to the point that I feel I should have been born on another damn planet, but I would certainly give the advantage to women in this department. I am not judging you for being easily influenced emotionally. I am not judging you for seeming ‘fickle’ when the reality is you truly do feel this way. But here’s the thing.

    YOU CANNOT CHOOSE HOW TO FEEL, BUT YOU CAN CHOOSE HOW TO ACT.

    And for once make the right damn choice! Talk to us! Tell us what you’re going through! Tell us how you’re feeling! Express yourselves for God’s sake! Locking us out will only make us feel like failures and wonder what we are doing wrong or why you do not trust us enough! And don’t assume that we can’t tell because unless we’re neanderthals or we don’t care about you then we see it all too plainly! It will hurt either way so at least be open about it, because lies will break people harder. It is fine to feel attracted to other people. It is fine to be close to other people. That is not the same thing as wanting to break off from your current partner, there has to be a level of trust involved, and trust is a fragile and precious thing. And for Heaven’s sake if you ever actually reach that point, at least have the balls to make a decision and take responsibility for your actions otherwise you will leave a deeper and wider trail of pain in your wake than you will ever stop to contemplate. And that just… isn’t right.

  • Anon
    February 25, 2013 | Permalink |

    Also, and I address this to Big P, please do not buy into the societal stereotype that men are unequivocally less emotional than women. I am probably less histrionic, but more profoundly sensitive than most women I know in my life. This was once a point of pride but now only serves to turn my existence into a torturous and insufferable purgatory as what little pretense of inner peace I had left has deserted me along with what I thought to be the truest love I had ever known. (Is it vindictive of me to have felt schadenfreude at the prospect of Natty having been destroyed by a narcissist? Cheating is the lowest of the low. Reap what you sow and repent.)

    Anyway, just bear it in mind, will you? Without emotionality, there can be no artistry; and the world knows many male artists.

  • Diabolo
    March 28, 2013 | Permalink |

    This is so true, especially, the part were some women cheat, but refuse to acknowledge it. My last ex-fiance cheated on me multiple times over the years, but when confronted with rock solid evidence, she would never own up to it. The last and final time, her excuse was that we were broken up and she was just on the rebound. Funny, I never got that memo and she told me she loved me every freaking day. I called her late one night and she told me to piss off and put the other guy on the phone. This completely blindsided me, as we were doing fine until that moment. I talked to her the next day and she pretended like it didn’t happen at all. She acted like if she tried hard enough she could Jedi mind trick me. A week later, he was moved in. A month after that, she begged me to take her back and admitted she made a mistake. That didn’t happen. Wow, some people. >.<

  • aman
    April 25, 2013 | Permalink |

    clearly, it doesn’t matter where you are this civilization’s mondus operendi is invariably the same the world over. Here in Kenya(Africa) things are no different–this ‘running around like a headless chicken’ business is all over the place. Difference is, fellas in these parts haven’t wisened up to it as they’re too busy looking for income. We don’t bother much withe(sic) female psyche even when it causes so much anguish;most guys here either just put up & shut up in darkness, or simply rid themselves of the female and move on. I pity the former, and they’re many.. . . Before you judge my/their kind, allow me to analogise how it is in these parts for the most part using something (I think) you people may relate to:your famous pets–a cat and, er, I don’t know, a parrot may be, both live in the same home, know each other, and get along fairly well. When they’re not playing together for show to you, their owner, each keeps to his/her own, on the understanding that,”hey, he’s a bird;we’re not even of the same species, so let him do his birdie thing and I’ll carry on as cats do”. That’s a pussycat who’s never lived wild. . doesn’t even know its staple diet.

    The parrot, however innately recognises the cat as a predator but as he’s encouraged by you to ‘show some love & keep it in the family, he plays ball. . . only in your presence.

    So for one, the other’s too complicated to bother to understand, and for the other, they relate but he has a certain awareness of the other that he doesn’t quite get but at the same time doesn’t want to be known.

    No, the author of that gem is well into his thirties, he’s coming to terms with the female nature from experience, and here, young females who’ve not come to terms with themselves feel slighted (!) that a male figured them before they did themselves.. . most exasperating. Don’t let it sit on you dear younger sisters, don’t even let it change what you’d otherwise do, for on this planet, as the Good Book says, there’s a place & a season to everthing. So live it guilt-free and you’ll wean off it in good time.

    By your leave now. . .

  • tiffany
    April 28, 2013 | Permalink |

    28, female, completely agree. its actually common and easy for us to get bored with relarionships like men get bored with sex partners. men like porn, women like attention from new men.

  • Noone
    August 10, 2013 | Permalink |

    27 year old guy here. I have seen this happen time and time again with women. Let me be fair and say that not all of them do this, and a lot of guys do it too.

    I think the negative reactions from some of the female commentators are cute. Rather than argue against his observations, they accuse him of having an ego, or whine that there are scummy men out there too. Yes, there are scummy people of both sexes. Revelation of the century, right?

    But like what was said before, you can’t control your feelings but you can control your actions. There is a special breed of woman out there who will use her emotions as the “excuse” for her actions, and blame her partner for not emotionally supporting her.

  • Al
    September 14, 2013 | Permalink |

    I’he been broke up with my fiance for a year now we have a four year old daughter. From day one I had recognized the reason for our break up was her being fickle. I had never experienced it in a relationship. The funny thing is treated this woman better than any woman before. We recently had a text war and at least one thing from each of your responses were relevant to what we had been through. Me telling her she had a good thing and not knowing her comparing me to other people’s men. Her trying to blame me for her conflicted feelings me telling her that she controls her choices. In the end i sent this to her weather she reads it or not i don’t know, but I thank y’all for the insight, and it reinforces my feelings that it was doomed and out of my control.

  • Zoe
    November 16, 2013 | Permalink |

    I found this article to be over-generalized and sexist.

    Not all women are fickle in love because of “emotions” and are instantly drawn to other men that give them that little bit more attention. Is it possible that, on the flipside, the women these men are dating could be taking them for granted and giving little in the first place? Guys: don’t expect a woman to stay if you’re not going to give her your all, and gals, same to you.

    Of course with all things, there are exceptions. There are definitely women out there who don’t know what they want and jump from man to man looking for more affection, more this, more that. But to say that all women do this just because they are emotional and just born this way is insulting and over-generalist. On the other side of the coin, there are men who also know jack of what they want, and do the same, jump from girl to girl as soon as one offers him more than what he was getting from the last.

    “And a smart Casanova knows how easy it is to play to a woman’s emotions and trick her into an easy fling”.

    I found this insulting to every loyal, intelligent woman out there who knows the difference between a sweet-talking player, a genuine man who truly treats her well, and a nice guy who’s just not bothered about meeting her needs.

    For those seeking advice from this article, I advise you take it with a grain of salt.

  • Bruh
    November 21, 2013 | Permalink |

    It’s insulting!
    Somethings you said were right and others just no…!
    I think women are simple like men…
    1- When a woman is truly in love she doesn’t pay attention to other guys! They will not be rude to them, they will be polite, for sure, but won’t feel a thing! I’ve never seen a men treating badly a pretty girl who flirts with them, even if they’re very commited to their girlfriends…
    2- She may be truly in love, but if she feels alone, misunderstood and not cared, she’ll start paying attetion to other guys! Well, guess men would do the same right? No one deserves a bad relationship…
    3- If she’s acting VERY fickle you may be sure that she doesn’t love you at all. She may like you, think you are a good guy that really deserves her, but there’s nothing to do when love isn’t real, or are you men loyal to women you don’t love?

  • Just A Person with an Oppinion
    January 20, 2014 | Permalink |

    This article was a little insulting, I can’t say I entirely disagree with it though, because there are lots of women who act like this. But there are also just as many men. Now I know y’all are arguing about “relationships and how hard they are” but quite frankly someone like me only wishes to get that “special person”. I think people in relationships should be more grateful that their even capable of loving someone- more so being loved back. People who have a hard time keeping or feeling emotions like love-people like me- are extremely envious, angry, and a little saddened by just seeing a couple holding hands. I’ve already come to accept this as my fate. I’m not the type who can be all “lovey-dovey”. Even if I tried to change I can’t help it, my brain and my heart wont let me. After all my happiness is the sole most important thing to me…although it does get very lonely at times. I realized that by trying to make only myself happy, I’m isolating myself from the rest of the world. But what can I do? If I don’t make myself happy then I won’t have anything left. I wont have any reason to wake up in the morning. Ah…if only I could dream forever… But I want to live. Because I’m stubborn, awfully so. And being stubborn is about the only thing I’m good at. So I really hope that anyone who’s in a relationship right now will try your best, without overly doing it. And maybe hope to appreciate it a little more. Sorry I kind of got off topic, I guess I’m kind of an idiot to? :) –see ya and sorry for being cheesy.

  • casey
    March 31, 2014 | Permalink |

    I’m 21 I’m a guy i think the fault is in both men and women . when they string the other person along not telling them how they feel wile all the time what there feeling is that they don’t want this relationship. but are not ready to give it up until they’ve found something better or is utterly sure that he/she is totally over the other person have some respect for the person you once loved and do the opposite sex a favor talk to them tell them how you are feeling and end as soon as this feeling arrives and let the heart break more evenly as weird as it sounds its nice to know the other person is hurting as well and Ur not just some fool who thought they were in love sorta like its closer know they loved me once but was not growing with me. idk i’m tired night

  • Noire
    April 7, 2014 | Permalink |

    First if all, YOU saw the signs of your exes scrupulous behavior and were in denial. Secondly, what makes you think she was actually in love? It sounds like she didn’t respect herself or you for that matter and you getting back with her during the “cycles” shows you didn’t respect yourself to want better. There are people not women who act like this. I being one of them did it because I was satisfied with the relationship; I loved but wasn’t in love and he [the guy] didn’t want to confront me, which I think was the same for you. We’re [women] not fickle. Some people just have these tendencies of “having their cake and eating it too” it sucks but happends. So don’t say women are fickle when guys/girls tolerate. I’m done.

  • somepoorsap
    November 14, 2014 | Permalink |

    Ha. I hate that this is true. I finally find a caring, loving guy. Hes 4 years younger.. but still veeery similar and sooo loving. I have male friends.. more than girl friends. Thats just me, im a tomboy and like doing guy stuff. But i never wanted any other guy (3yrs so far) until recently. … i wish i was dead to be honest. I have usually been loyal. I never cheated, but my heart knew when 1 wasnt right i had to break up/ leave and explore another, also was a way out of an abusive parental relationship, so it was kind of what i unfortunately needed… but now, i know this one is good, but the other one stimulates my brain so much more – so much more – than the other, and the guilt of feeling ripped me up and i told them both. New guy said nothing bc he knew i was speaking out of turn, and my guy was sad but glad i was sharing my honesty and is trying to change his anger and other things to improve himself. We have a codependency of habits and emotion but we agreed to focus on ourselves instead of obsessing over each other, just so we are more whole and attract each others interests again. I told him my new friend opened my mind/reminded me of my real life goals so much i needed to be his friend still at least till class ends and he trusts me bc i AM trustworthy of action. BUT. I keep trying to turn my brain off for him (we have projects for college to do together) but its still there. One minute i wish to be his sister friend, another i wish to hug him out of love. I am not a sexually driven person, nor do i think i am more beautiful than other girls. Ive been made fun of my whole life for looking how i do! Too skinny and flat chested they always say, even dad, and i always had to try and not give a fuk. But im so damn confused and i need some help. I cant keep hurting my guy by talking it to death, and i trust me enough to know id never cheat. Help pleeeaaase…

  • Grayson
    November 16, 2014 | Permalink |

    Sadly this is true. Women are deeply F’ed up. Being gay has its benefits it would seem.

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