Do women create confusions in their love lives or is the world just unjust to them? Jake Butler shares his opinion on why women are so fickle in love.
Through many years of my dating life, if there’s one thing I’ve noticed more often than others, it’s how fickle women in love are.
Now it’s not just my life I’m talking about, it’s all around me.
Women love fairy tales, chick flicks and romance in their lives. But yet, they create such messy gordian knots of love that they end up hurting others and themselves along the way.
Men and their love life
Looking into a man’s mind, he doesn’t really ask for much.
Even the greatest of guys are rather happy with their relationship. They spend evenings and weekends together with their girlfriend, and life is just perfect.
If there’s ever a circumstance of infidelity among men, in almost all cases, men cheat for two reasons.
They cheat using their bigger head, when they’re frustrated with their girlfriend for some reason or the other.
Or they cheat with their little head when they meet an attractive woman and the chemistry is intense.
It’s easy to understand a man’s mind. We like keeping it simple and easy. Men may not be gifted with the complex creative dimensions in love that women can boast of, but men are pretty content with what goes on in their mind.
And that makes it really easy for men to get caught with their pants around their ankles. All because men are too darn predictable. [Read: Cheating in a relationship]
Women, on the other hand, are a lot more complex to understand and predict. But their lives are way more complicated anyways!
Why are women so fickle in love?
I was in college when I got into a serious relationship for the first time. The relationship lasted about a year, but that ride of love was the craziest I’ve even been in, and I’ve still not been able to understand that relationship.
She was my first girlfriend and I was her first boyfriend. We started dating and exploring all that love had to offer within the first few months. We were happy, until she met a new group of friends. Soon she started partying hard, would avoid me more often, and would spend more time with her new friends and other new guys she would meet.
A few months later, she started getting cranky and moody, would party all night long with her new friends and pretty much behave like a confused idiot the next day!
One day, she would kiss me tenderly and say I’m the nicest guy on earth and she’s lucky to have me. Another day, she would treat me indifferently. And on some other days, she’d tell me she needs to stay away from me because she was going through some crap in her life. [Read: What to do when you like a friend]
Whew! I just couldn’t understand what the heck was up with her. Eventually, we ended up breaking up and making up every other day. She would break up with me, and come running back into my arms a few days later saying how much she needed me and how wrong she was to let me go. But all said and done, a confusing year later, I had to walk away for good. She was causing more damage to me than good. [Read: How to know if it is love or lust]
She pursued me on and off for a few months, but I knew the cycle pretty well to fall back into that trap of confusions. But to this day, I can’t understand why she just couldn’t make up her mind about what kind of a life she really wanted! I mean, really, if she really wants to party and meet new guys and get jiggy with them, stick to your plan and leave me out of your life! [Read: Is it a crush or limerence?]
Was that immaturity or was that a woman’s complex love brain going into overdrive?
Do women think of love as an all-you-can-eat buffet?
Now I’m not generalizing that all women are fickle in love. But there are a lot more fickle-in-love women out there than there are men who think along those lines. And any smooth talking man who gets the attention of women can vouch for this. And a smart Casanova knows how easy it is to play to a woman’s emotions and trick her into an easy fling! [Read: Having an affair with a married man]
It’s far easier to convince a woman that she’s in a bad relationship than it is to convince a man of the same. Men listen to their own feelings, women listen to everything else but their feelings. They listen to other people’s feelings. [Read: Why you can't find love]
Tell a girl she deserves someone better than her boyfriend, and she’ll think about it. Tell a guy he deserves someone better than his girlfriend, and he’ll just nod his head and forget about it!
The main problem, at least from my perspective, is that women are actually far more shallow when it comes to love than men. Women like the attention and care that their boyfriend gives them. And as the months or years pass, and some other charming smooth talker gives them a little more attention and adds a few long phone conversations and extravagant gifts into the recipe, they can’t help but feel a surge of affection towards this new guy who makes them feel all warm, fuzzy and happy inside. [Read: Flirty text messages]
They like having their steady boyfriend, but at the same time, they really don’t want to miss out on the affection and the attention of the new charming guy! Now, several women may deny this, but put them in a similar situation and they’ll surprise themselves. Women are suckers for affection. If any smooth guy knows how to strike when the iron is hot, it’s pretty hard for a girl to resist his charm.
Really, if that isn’t an all-you-can-eat buffet kind of love, what is?
Are women more prone to having affairs than men?
Women don’t like giving a name to these kinds of special relationships. They recognize the fuzzy feelings, the sexual thoughts in bed, and the affection they feel for someone else, but they’ll never give this strange relationship a real name. By calling it an affair, they’re accepting that they’re cheating, either emotionally or physically. And they would never want to stoop that low. Instead, it’s so much simpler to just have a happy time with their own boyfriend and have a few special moments with someone else too, without worrying about what to call the relationship.
Fickle love and the confusions
Most women may not realize this, but you can’t really be in love with two people or try to hog the affection of two men, unless you’re in a happy ménage a trois. [Read: Threesome rules and troubles]
If you’re being secretive about it, at some point, you’re going to start comparing them with each other. And that starts all the confusions and the pain. And the worst part of all this, your partner will experience the same pain because you can’t make up your mind, and he can’t understand why you’re being so moody. [Read: Is he the one for you?]
And even when you make up your mind and decide that one man is better and more affectionate than the other, a week later or after a little fight, you’re bound to change your mind again. And at other times, you may have confusing conflicts every few hours. So why not just make up your mind and stick to it “for better or for worse”? [Read: How to make a relationship work?]
Is it a woman’s fault?
Now we can’t entirely blame women for this behavior. I just think it’s a trait in women that just can’t change. They always think they deserve better than the guy they’re with at any point of time. They assume they’re way better and can get any better guy if they ever wanted, and when a presumably better guy walks into their lives and showers them with affection, their instincts kick in and it reassures them that they deserve better than their own boyfriend. [Read: Love and dating facts]
So why are women so fickle in love? Perhaps, women do love a lot of drama in their lives. And being fickle in love is just one small part of the drama they constantly crave for that much needed satisfying and troubled sleep at night.
The author, Jake Butler, is a serial dater and chivalrous stealer of girlfriends, and looks forward to changing his ways when he meets a woman who can incomparably be happy with him. Which he claims, will never happen!
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Again – what age is this website aimed at?
To be fair though – I believe this article is written about good looking women mainly, those under 6/10 tend to be better at keeping steady relationships – oh and those with significant issues from childhood. Everyone has issues in childhood but there are some which really mess up womens chances for harmonious relationships.
I have been extremely fickle my dealings with guys. Good thing is that I KNOW its my issue. I had a 4 year relationship with a great guy but I left him by cheating on him with a narcissist and attempted a relationship with him, which destroyed me at the time. I’ve met a few dickheads but actually, I’ve met and dated significantly more decent guys than dickheads.
Gaining attention from these guys IS addictive. So despite this website giving dubious advice and its slightly patronising tone (again maybe its for younger girls?) then I would have to agree.
Girls – make sure you recognise when you have an attention addiction – I did and I’m trying to rehabilitate.
Because women are slaves to their emotions.Since the day they get there first period emotions dictate how they will react at any given moment.
Emotions are by their very nature irrational, intense, subtle, overwhelming, confusing, exhausting and usually hit in waves or crash suddenly.
Men need a catalyst to bring on emotions to feel there effect. Women are governed by them at every moment of every day.. Thats why there fickle. They’ve been driven crazy but the constant surge of changes in emotions. hot then cold, slut then saint,attentative then stand-offish. We as men should just enjoy the ride, keep a spereate bank account and move on when the storm hits.
I’m female and I agree….
What you have said is extremely sexist. Are you saying YOU have never made a mistake in your relationship? Or that YOUR crap choice in women necessitates such a generalisation? I think you have offended just about every decent loyal woman there is in this world, with this adolescent rant, matey!
Think that you’re God’s gift and women should be GRATEFUL for whatever scrap of affection she gets from you?? After all, nobody “better” than you even exists, do they?
Or worse, how DARE she decide the sensible option is to go for a more considerate partner than you and get on with her life??
Nobhead!
Again, a well written article overall but in places not accurate and written to be very convenient for men.
”They like having their steady boyfriend, but at the same time, they really don’t want to miss out on the affection and the attention of the new charming guy!”
I usually find this statement to be true about men (as well). I find that men usually like to have the caring wife at home, being nurtured and loved , but in the same time they don’t want to miss the slightly younger and thinner woman who they work with. They don’t want to miss the sex and excitement.
”Tell a girl she deserves someone better than her boyfriend, and she’ll think about it. Tell a guy he deserves someone better than his girlfriend, and he’ll just nod his head and forget about it!”
That is not entirely true, is it? Come one; it is common knowledge that men have huge ego’s. It is also common knowledge that is most cases, if the woman doesn’t praise her husband for a couple of days/weeks and forgets to tell him how awesome he is, he will suddenly not feel appreciated.(it happens all the time in my relationship; dare I not to say thank you a million times because he has washed his dishes and he gets upset like a child).
So I believe that having big ego’s and usually feeling not appreciated by their women, if a nice looking woman would tell a man: You deserve better; his imagination will already drag her into his bed.
You can’t just assume women are the villains here.
Mostly I agree with Lidia. According to my observations as I have gone through life, this is not a gender issue; being fickle, and cheating. People who truly have good moral character, are EXTREMELY rare, but they do exist. We as people can display ourselves to others in many ways, we can fool others. But at the end of the day, when we stand alone with ourselves and look into our hearts, who are we? What do we see? We are what we allow ourselves to become, we are formed by what we allow influence over us: at the end of the day life is about choice, there is no such thing as fate.
I’am a 27 years old female and i utterly agree with this write up. its so true but quite saddening because this emotional mix up of a thing has made me and many other girls lose meaningful relationships and has left us groping around for the best guy whom till now is AWOL (away without location). thanks love panky, your website is such a welcomed sight!
There is another article on this website about a lady who broke up with a boyfriend who she said was perfect for her and that she loved. She said she broke up because she wanted to be single. I’ve NEVER, EVER heard a guy say that he wanted to be single when he’s in a relationship with a woman who he described in the same manner. I believe that it is absolutely true that any woman who believes she is hot and more attractive than other women will most likely act exactly as this article describes, and will find herself unsatisfied with her relationships even though she’s found a guy who treats her very well. Again, this applies to women who believe they are more attractive than the majority of women out there. However, I’ve found that these same women will not break up with a guy who they know does not like them nearly as much as they like him, provided that he doesn’t treat them very badly. I don’t say that as a criticism. It’s just reality.
I do feel that this is true in general. It is speaking in generalisations, but still, I feel it is true. As a disclaimer, I usually do not speak in such broad and sweeping terms about individuals of either gender, but I’m pretty hurt at the moment so can only vocalise my thoughts. In my eyes, both men and women are incredibly lacking in the moral integrity department, to the point that I feel I should have been born on another damn planet, but I would certainly give the advantage to women in this department. I am not judging you for being easily influenced emotionally. I am not judging you for seeming ‘fickle’ when the reality is you truly do feel this way. But here’s the thing.
YOU CANNOT CHOOSE HOW TO FEEL, BUT YOU CAN CHOOSE HOW TO ACT.
And for once make the right damn choice! Talk to us! Tell us what you’re going through! Tell us how you’re feeling! Express yourselves for God’s sake! Locking us out will only make us feel like failures and wonder what we are doing wrong or why you do not trust us enough! And don’t assume that we can’t tell because unless we’re neanderthals or we don’t care about you then we see it all too plainly! It will hurt either way so at least be open about it, because lies will break people harder. It is fine to feel attracted to other people. It is fine to be close to other people. That is not the same thing as wanting to break off from your current partner, there has to be a level of trust involved, and trust is a fragile and precious thing. And for Heaven’s sake if you ever actually reach that point, at least have the balls to make a decision and take responsibility for your actions otherwise you will leave a deeper and wider trail of pain in your wake than you will ever stop to contemplate. And that just… isn’t right.
Also, and I address this to Big P, please do not buy into the societal stereotype that men are unequivocally less emotional than women. I am probably less histrionic, but more profoundly sensitive than most women I know in my life. This was once a point of pride but now only serves to turn my existence into a torturous and insufferable purgatory as what little pretense of inner peace I had left has deserted me along with what I thought to be the truest love I had ever known. (Is it vindictive of me to have felt schadenfreude at the prospect of Natty having been destroyed by a narcissist? Cheating is the lowest of the low. Reap what you sow and repent.)
Anyway, just bear it in mind, will you? Without emotionality, there can be no artistry; and the world knows many male artists.
This is so true, especially, the part were some women cheat, but refuse to acknowledge it. My last ex-fiance cheated on me multiple times over the years, but when confronted with rock solid evidence, she would never own up to it. The last and final time, her excuse was that we were broken up and she was just on the rebound. Funny, I never got that memo and she told me she loved me every freaking day. I called her late one night and she told me to piss off and put the other guy on the phone. This completely blindsided me, as we were doing fine until that moment. I talked to her the next day and she pretended like it didn’t happen at all. She acted like if she tried hard enough she could Jedi mind trick me. A week later, he was moved in. A month after that, she begged me to take her back and admitted she made a mistake. That didn’t happen. Wow, some people. >.<
clearly, it doesn’t matter where you are this civilization’s mondus operendi is invariably the same the world over. Here in Kenya(Africa) things are no different–this ‘running around like a headless chicken’ business is all over the place. Difference is, fellas in these parts haven’t wisened up to it as they’re too busy looking for income. We don’t bother much withe(sic) female psyche even when it causes so much anguish;most guys here either just put up & shut up in darkness, or simply rid themselves of the female and move on. I pity the former, and they’re many.. . . Before you judge my/their kind, allow me to analogise how it is in these parts for the most part using something (I think) you people may relate to:your famous pets–a cat and, er, I don’t know, a parrot may be, both live in the same home, know each other, and get along fairly well. When they’re not playing together for show to you, their owner, each keeps to his/her own, on the understanding that,”hey, he’s a bird;we’re not even of the same species, so let him do his birdie thing and I’ll carry on as cats do”. That’s a pussycat who’s never lived wild. . doesn’t even know its staple diet.
The parrot, however innately recognises the cat as a predator but as he’s encouraged by you to ‘show some love & keep it in the family, he plays ball. . . only in your presence.
So for one, the other’s too complicated to bother to understand, and for the other, they relate but he has a certain awareness of the other that he doesn’t quite get but at the same time doesn’t want to be known.
No, the author of that gem is well into his thirties, he’s coming to terms with the female nature from experience, and here, young females who’ve not come to terms with themselves feel slighted (!) that a male figured them before they did themselves.. . most exasperating. Don’t let it sit on you dear younger sisters, don’t even let it change what you’d otherwise do, for on this planet, as the Good Book says, there’s a place & a season to everthing. So live it guilt-free and you’ll wean off it in good time.
By your leave now. . .
28, female, completely agree. its actually common and easy for us to get bored with relarionships like men get bored with sex partners. men like porn, women like attention from new men.