Once the first-date jitters calm down, people show off their true colors. When that happens, you need to know the signs you’re dating a jerk. Just in case.
You’re sipping on a coffee, and your date is already 20 minutes late. They stroll in, eyes glued to their phone, and without even looking up, ask if you could order them a coffee too—black, no sugar, like their soul. Yep, you’re dating a jerk.
In the dating sphere, a “jerk” is someone who acts in a self-centered or thoughtlessly unkind manner, often without any regard for your feelings. They’re the ones who stand you up, talk over you, and make you question why chivalry had to die so brutally.
Screw that. Nobody deserves to date a jerk.
Women deserve to date someone who is considerate, morally conscientious, and just plain polite.
Determining whether or not one of your suitors fits the bill can be a difficult task; some jerks are hard to weed out. Fortunately, we’re here to help. Let’s unravel why this happens and what you can do about it, shall we?
[Read: What is chivalry? The real meaning, 21 knight’s codes, and modern rules for men]
The Psychology Behind Jerks: Why Do They Do What They Do?
So, you’re dating a jerk or, let’s call it like it is, dating an asshole. Ever wondered why they act the way they do?
Before we accuse them of being spawns of a loveless planet, let’s get a bit psychological. We’ll delve into the dark nooks and crannies of their minds to better understand their less-than-stellar behavior.
1. Why are they so into themselves?
First up, let’s talk about traits often associated with jerks: narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. These are the unholy trinity that psychologists lovingly refer to as the “Dark Triad.”
Individuals scoring high in these traits love themselves, manipulate effortlessly, and exhibit a lack of empathy that would make a robot look like Mother Teresa.
2. Feeling low, acting high
You know the saying, “Hurt people hurt people”? Sometimes, being a jerk is a disguise for low self-esteem.
When people feel depleted or inferior, puffing themselves up like an aggressive pufferfish can be a way to regain control. This is what psychologists call “Ego Depletion,” where one’s self-control resources are so drained that they revert to primal, jerky behaviors. [Read: 44 signs of low self-esteem in a guy, causes and how it feels to date them]
3. Monkey see, monkey do
Lastly, let’s not forget the environment’s influence on shaping a jerk. Yep, we’re pulling the “Social Learning Theory” card here.
If someone grew up watching their role models act like jerks, they’re more likely to mimic that behavior. It’s the cycle of jerkiness, almost like a family heirloom passed down, but one you definitely didn’t ask for.
Why Do We Fall For Them?
So, you find yourself dating a jerk. You might be thinking, “Why, oh why, does my heart lead me astray?”
We’ve all been there, and the reasons are surprisingly linked to psychological quirks we all share. Let’s dive into why we sometimes fall head over heels for someone we should really be running away from.
1. Why are bad boys so darn attractive?
Ladies, haven’t we all fantasized about transforming the school or office bad boy into Prince Charming? That’s the “Halo Effect” working its nefarious magic on you. When a guy’s outward charisma or bad boy allure is so overpowering, we often ignore the not-so-pleasant qualities lurking beneath.
[Read: I dated a bad boy – why I pursued him and why you shouldn’t EVER do that!]
2. Why am I stuck on this emotional roller coaster?
The ups and downs with him are like being on a roller coaster—exhilarating but nauseating. That’s what psychologists call “Intermittent Reinforcement.”
You know, those rare moments when he’s sweet and attentive keep you hooked, making you endure all the other times when he’s being an absolute jerk.
3. Why do I keep dating the same type of guy?
Ever stopped to wonder why your dating history reads like a rogue’s gallery of jerks? Your attachment style could be the culprit.
Based on your early life experiences, you could be drawn to men who, let’s face it, don’t deserve you. Whether you’re the anxious, the avoidant, or even the secure, your attachment style can serve as jerk bait, luring you into relationships that you’d be better off avoiding.
[Read: Attachment styles theory – 4 types and 19 signs and ways you attach to others]
Red Flags: The Glaring Signs You’re Dating a Jerk
Let’s dig into the signs that you’re not just dating a guy with quirks, but actually dating a jerk.
1. Is he making you doubt your own reality?
Ladies, ever found yourself questioning your own sanity while dating him? That is called gaslighting.
This is a manipulative tactic used to make you doubt your own feelings and perceptions. If you often feel confused or second-guess yourself in your relationship, you may be getting gaslighted.
2. Is he undercutting your self-esteem?
Next up, negging.
Yes, the well-honed skill of backhanded compliments, brought to you by pick-up artists everywhere. This manipulative technique aims to lower your self-esteem, making you more susceptible to advances.
When he tells you, “You’re pretty smart for a girl,” he’s not being charming; he’s being a grade-A jerk. [Read: Backhanded compliments – what it is and the best ways to give it back]
3. Is he unmoved by your feelings?
Alright, time for a biggie: lack of empathy. If he can’t share in your feelings or at least understand them, that’s a massive red flag.
Empathy is the backbone of any healthy relationship. So if he’s as emotionally available as a rock, it’s time to ask yourself why you’re still dating this guy.
4. Does he always make it about him?
Whenever you’re talking, he somehow turns the conversation back to him. Just got a promotion? He’ll one-up you with his new business venture.
Expressing your feelings? Well, let’s talk about how tough his day was instead. Classic jerk behavior.
5. Does he disappear and reappear like a magician?
This is the classic “ghost-and-return” trick. If he disappears for days without any explanation and reappears as if nothing happened, you might as well call him Houdini.
Except, you know, Houdini was actually talented. [Read: Blowing hot and cold – why they do this, the stages, and how to handle it]
6. Does he make jokes at your expense?
The “Jokester.” If his sense of humor involves putting you down or belittling you in front of friends and family, that’s not love, honey. That’s being an asshole.
7. Does he make fun of others… a lot?
Okay, maybe he doesn’t make jokes at your expense. But if he takes immense joy in highlighting other people’s flaws and laughing at them, you’re not dating a comedian; you’re dating a jerk.
This isn’t just schoolyard behavior, it’s a mark of a person who values himself over others and seeks validation at someone else’s expense.
[Read: 17 good and bad types of humor and how they affect your relationship with others]
8. Does he backpedal when challenged?
Ooh, this one’s interesting. Notice how he changes his tune when someone more dominant in the room disagrees with him?
That’s not adaptability, sweetie; that’s spinelessness. It also shows that his opinions aren’t deeply held convictions but rather tools for social survival.
9. Is he selfish in bed?
Let’s get a bit more intimate—does he make an effort to satisfy you sexually? If he’s all about his pleasure and hardly ever works to make you orgasm, that’s not just bad sex ed, that’s straight-up selfishness. [Read: 19 signs of a taker in a relationship and ways a giver can stop being so giving]
10. Does he ghost you when you’re down?
Another major red flag: he vanishes like a puff of smoke when you’re going through a rough patch. If he avoids you when you’re feeling bad, he’s essentially telling you that he’s only around for the good times. Real relationships require showing up for each other, even when it’s not a party.
11. Does he brag about other girls?
If he’s always boasting about how he is with other girls, that’s not just irritating, it’s disrespectful.
This behavior is designed to make you feel insecure and keep you hooked through jealousy. Remember, you’re not a pawn in his game; you’re the queen of your own destiny.
[Read: 20 traits and signs of a toxic boyfriend that predict a painful relationship]
12. Does he treat service workers poorly?
Here’s a classic that never gets old: watch how he treats service workers. If he’s rude to waiters, bellboys, or anyone he perceives as “below” him, that’s a massive red flag. Remember, kindness shouldn’t be selective.
13. Does he disrespect boundaries?
Pay attention to how he respects your personal space, your time, and your emotional limits.
If he’s always pushing you further than you’re comfortable with—be it emotionally or physically—that’s a sign he doesn’t respect your boundaries. [Read: 23 secrets to set personal boundaries and guide others to respect them]
14. Is he a chronic canceler?
If he’s always canceling plans at the last minute, especially without a decent reason, that shows a lack of respect for your time. It’s a not-so-subtle message that his time is more valuable than yours.
15. Does he downplay your achievements?
If you find that he trivializes your successes or accomplishments, perhaps even passing them off as “no big deal,” you’ve got yourself another red flag.
A supportive partner should be your cheerleader, not someone who minimizes your shine. [Read: 17 signs of a supportive partner who encourages you and your goals]
16. Is he a social media narcissist?
This might sound a bit quirky, but check out his social media behavior.
If his feed is an endless parade of selfies and self-glorification without any meaningful content or acknowledgment of others, you might be dating a digital narcissist. [Read: Attention seeker – 25 signs, behaviors, and psychology of drama-loving people]
17. Does he avoid apologizing?
A mature person knows how to admit when they’re wrong and offer a genuine apology. If your guy dodges responsibility and never says he’s sorry, he’s showing you he lacks emotional maturity.
18. Is he evasive about his past?
A bit mysterious can be sexy, but too much mystery, especially about past relationships or life events, can be a sign that he’s hiding something—or worse, that he has something to hide.
How to Deal with Dating a Jerk: Psychology-Backed Tips
Maybe you’re thinking, “Oh my god, these signs are describing my boyfriend. What do I do now?”
So you’ve identified the red flags, felt that sinking feeling in your gut, and even your friends have joined the “dump him” chorus.
It’s time to pull out the big guns, and by that, we mean the scientifically backed ways to deal with this unfortunate situation you find yourself in.
Ladies, we’re about to get psychological.
1. When your heart and brain don’t agree
You know he’s bad for you, but you still feel conflicted. Welcome to the world of “cognitive dissonance,” a psychological term for when your thoughts and actions don’t line up.
To resolve this inner turmoil, make a list of pros and cons. Chances are, seeing all the cons on paper will jolt you back to reality. [Read: 105 most common gaslighting phrases, techniques and signs to recognize them]
2. Saying ‘no’ without guilt
Now, let’s talk about drawing that line in the sand, shall we? Setting boundaries isn’t just psychobabble; it’s crucial.
You don’t need a PhD to tell someone what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not. So start practicing those ‘no’s’ in the mirror and use them freely. Your future self will thank you.
[Read: How to say no – 15 ways to reason politely, stop pleasing, and feel kickass]
3. Your tribe matters
You might think this is a no-brainer, but psychology has a fancy name for this: reinforcement theory.
Surrounding yourself with supportive people can do wonders for your well-being, especially when you’re stuck in a toxic relationship. Keep your support network close and lean on them when you need strength.
4. Is it time for a jerk-tervention?
If you find that your emotional health is suffering due to the relationship, consider seeking professional help. Therapy can offer an objective perspective and coping mechanisms you might not have considered.
5. Know when to walk away
Sometimes, the best solution is the simplest one: walking away.
There’s a psychological concept called the “Sunk Cost Fallacy,” which keeps people in bad relationships because they don’t want to lose what they’ve already “invested.” Know when your investments aren’t yielding returns, and cut your losses. [Read: 42 signs and red flags it’s time to walk away and end a relationship for good]
6. Keep tabs on your self-worth
In relationships like these, it’s easy to lose a piece of yourself. Make sure you’re maintaining your self-esteem and self-worth.
If you’re constantly feeling less-than because of how he treats you, that’s a giant, neon, flashing sign that you should probably head for the exit.
7. Trust your gut
Last but not least, let’s not forget our gut feelings. There’s actual science behind it: it’s your brain picking up on inconsistencies that your conscious mind has chosen to ignore.
If something feels off, chances are, something is off. [Read: Gut instinct – what it is, how it works, and 30 tips to follow and listen to your gut]
The Exit Strategy When Dating a Jerk
If you think you’re dating a jerk, the big question is, “What’s the exit plan?” And let’s make it clear: exiting is more than just saying “goodbye.”
It’s about saying “hello” to a better, brighter future without Mr. Wrong. [Read: 34 reasons to break up with someone and leave even if you love them]
So here it is, your guide to gracefully disentangling yourself from that nasty web he’s spun around you.
1. When it’s hard to let go
You’ve put in time, emotional labor, and maybe even a couple of gifts you really didn’t want to part with. Spoiler alert: it’s never worth it.
If you’re stuck in this thought loop, remind yourself that you can’t regain lost time, but you can make the most of the time ahead.
2. Picking up the pieces
After a breakup, especially with a jerk, the person who needs the most love and attention is you. This is where self-compassion kicks in.
It’s okay to grieve, feel angry, or even wallow for a little bit. The trick is to not let these emotions define you. Instead, consider them a rite of passage as you rebuild your self-esteem.
3. Eyes on the prize
Let’s talk about mindsight, a psychology term that refers to the ability to focus on the future and use insights to make better choices.
It’s time to recalibrate your relationship compass. Make a list of what you want in a partner and what you won’t tolerate. Keep it handy and refer back to it whenever you’re tempted by another bad boy.
4. Take the wisdom, leave the baggage
Here’s the deal—sometimes the most painful lessons are the most instructive. Make sure you leave the relationship wiser but not weighed down by emotional baggage.
Process what you’ve learned so you don’t find yourself in a similar predicament down the road.
[Read: Emotional baggage – what it is, types, causes, 27 signs, and steps to put it down]
5. Flipping the script
Did you know that people who write down their experiences post-breakup tend to heal faster? It’s called narrative therapy, and it’s a real thing. Grab a journal and start writing your own happily-ever-after, one sans jerks.
6. Surround yourself with positivity
Post-breakup is when you’ll need your tribe the most. Surround yourself with positive influences, whether it’s friends, family, or a supportive online community. [Read: 45 secrets to be more positive and fill your mind with positive emotions 24/7]
There’s actually a psychological phenomenon known as social ontagion—hang out with happy, supportive people, and you’re likely to become happier yourself.
Take Control, You’re Worth More
Life’s too short to waste it on dating a jerk. It’s so easy to convince yourself that you can change him, that under that rough exterior is a heart of gold waiting for your magic touch to reveal it.
But let’s get real: you’re not Bob the Builder, and it’s not your role to fix him. Save the DIY for home projects, not human beings.
Your worth is not determined by your ability to transform someone else. It’s defined by how you treat others and how you let others treat you. And guess what? You deserve the best. Don’t settle for less.
[Read: 18 steps to break up with someone you love and the right things you must say]
So, whether you’re in the process of re-evaluating your relationship or have recently made the brave choice to leave, remember you’re not alone. And when it comes to dating a jerk, the only fixing that needs to happen is redirecting all that love and energy back to where it truly belongs: you.
