Few things are more frustrating than having sex with a guy who just sucks at it. Though you can’t tell him outright, you can try these techniques.
One of the most horrible feelings in the world is when you finally get the courage to tell a man that he is awful in bed. It’s not that it feels bad to actually tell them you didn’t enjoy yourself. The misery comes when you see their face, when they finally realize that they’re not all that.
Men are very proud creatures. Everything is a competition for them. It’s embedded in their DNA. Whether it’s a pie-eating contest or a race for the elevator, the only goal is to win over somebody else. When it comes to having sex, men are basically competing with every guy you’ve ever been with. The less men you’ve slept with, the lesser the expectations to excel.
Unfortunately for them, we’re not concerned with numbers. Women have very strict criteria when it comes to sex with only one or two goals. The first is an orgasm. The second is intimacy. If we can’t have the latter, then the least that men can do for us is to get us off.
If they can’t do it, then we’ll have to deal with the fact that they are awful in bed. This leads us to the part where we have to tell them the truth about it. That’s where it gets tricky. Most men haven’t progressed much from their set ways in terms of accepting their shortcomings.
They will admit to screwing up in real life, but it’s a different story when you criticize their barbecue skills, sports teams, home improvement abilities and their bedroom performance. That’s why you need to be sensitive about telling them when they’re not living up to your expectations when it comes to sex. [Read: 9 awkward signs you’re having bad sex with your partner]
Why men are awful in bed
Before you start thinking up ways of telling your man about his lacking sexual prowess, you need to know what makes men bad in bed. This is absolutely necessary because men will never admit to what they’re doing wrong. That’s because they have no idea!
Even after sleeping with a plethora of women, most men still don’t know how to make a girl orgasm. That’s because as we grow, we start to learn that our bodies need more than just a pump and a rub. Men just feel things out, and learn from whoever they’ve been with.
The problem with that method is that most men don’t ask, unless it’s called for during dirty talk. They don’t know the specifics. They rarely have a clue about our bodies’ road map and the possibilities that it presents them. That’s why we need to step up and tell them what’s up.
How to tell a man that he’s awful in bed without telling them
So, how can you tell a man that he’s bad in bed without hurting them? By using every ounce of gentleness you have and a whole lot of tact.
#1 Don’t. This is the first choice, but it won’t always work. Keeping your opinion to yourself should be your initial option, because there are other ways to correct their mistakes without having to tell them point blank. While you’re doing the deed, use dirty talk as an excuse to tell them how you want stuff done. You could even recite a whole Kama Sutra manual and they won’t even notice. But take note that this will only work if you use your sexiest voice.
#2 A better option. Rather than tell them that what’s happening isn’t working for you, tell them that there’s a better way to pleasure you. Always use the phrase, “You know what would be better?” Tell them what you really want them to do and don’t forget to say, “That would make me feel sooo good!” And again, please use your bedroom voice. [Read: 10 tips for getting kinky with your man]
#3 Give sexy commentaries. Whenever they do something right, always commend them on it. Tell them that’s the way you like it. Tell them how good they are. That moment will be permanently stamped in their mind, which means they’re more likely to do the same things in the future.
#4 Take control. Suggest a little bit of role playing where you’re the boss. This way you can subtly give them commands on how to make you orgasm, without them realizing that you’re correcting their mistakes. [Read: How to ride your man and look sexy doing it]
#5 Switch positions. If something’s not working for you, suggest that you switch positions. Try new ones, if you’re tired of the same old stuff. Not only will this give you a possible orgasm, it will also help spice up your substantially lukewarm sex life.
And if none of those work…
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to get them to improve their moves, they still don’t realize that their moves aren’t good enough to get you off. In this case, you’ll need to refer to these methods.
#1 Sit them down. Make sure that you’re doing this at home, preferably in the bedroom. It offers the much needed security that will make this conversation go smoothly. Don’t alarm them by sporting a gloomy mood. Just act as if you’re about to tell them about a business trip or something that doesn’t require any strong emotions.
#2 Reassure them. Make sure that you make your partner feel at ease. Tell them that you want to tell them something, but you’re reluctant to because you might hurt them. At this point, you can’t turn back. Just tell them that no matter what happens, everything is going to be okay. Honestly, there’s no way to start telling them about this without freaking them out.
#3 Tell them the truth. Do not use the words, “You’re bad in bed”, “You’re awful at this” or anything that uses negative adjectives. Tell them that you’re having trouble getting an orgasm, and that you’d like them to help. This is where they’ll realize that they have something to do with it and promptly burst into tears or indignation… Or, if he’s a really laid back guy, he’ll probably just agree and try some new moves. [Read: 20 sexual problems couples can easily avoid]
#4 Calm them down or reassure them again. Reassure him that it’s not the end of your relationship. You just need a little more love and affection, and that it’s possible for him to provide that. Tell him that you’re not asking for too much – just a little improvement.
#5 Teach him how to do it right. I can’t tell you how to make your man better in bed. That’s your job. You know how your body works. Just tell him what feels good and what doesn’t! Just don’t go overboard in one night. Take baby steps and always tell him how good he is, once he gets it right.
#1 Never fake it. I know there’s an article for faking an orgasm out there, but that’s specifically targeted for people who are in need of an escape route for sex. When you are in a relationship, you should NEVER EVER EVER FAKE IT.
The reason why you’re with a man who’s awful in bed is because you made him think he was better than he really was. Forget their ego! Your sex life is just as important as your emotional connection. Tell him the truth with your body, if you can’t say it out loud. [Read: 22 common reasons women resort to faking it]
#2 Tell him how you like it before you do it. Before you realize that something’s wrong with your sex life, you need to orient your man on the ways you want to be pleased. It’s unheard of these days, but couples need to talk about sex before they do it. Your man needs to be aware of your recent sexual history and your needs in bed, and that includes little kinks, fetishes and favorite moves. You both need to know the ground rules, and how far you’re both willing to go. Awful or not, it’s going to suck anyway if you’re not making an effort to know what you both like in bed. [Read: 14 tips to get your partner to communicate about sex]
Having bad sex with a partner isn’t the end of the world. There are tons of ways to help him become better. But the first step is always the hardest, and that’s making him come to term with the fact that he needs some improvement in the sex department.
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Those who can’t do, teach. I can neither do nor teach as well as others, but I can try. Aside from being a writer, I am also a physical therapist. My dream is...