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Is She a Lesbian? 20 Signs Your BFF is a Bit Too Close for Comfort

is she a lesbian

Lesbians don’t wear a badge, nor do they all dress or act alike. If your BFF is a bit too close, she may have a hidden secret. So, is she a lesbian?

True story. After my husband passed away, I had a friend who was my rock. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have made it through. I could call her any time, day or night, to pick me up – both literally and figuratively.

She had this way of knowing just what to say, how to show me comfort, and how to help me through the darkest times in my life. She was, well, the perfect boyfriend – only I didn’t see it.

People such as my mother, my husband, and other friends would say to me, “You know Julie, she is hitting on you. She’s in love with you!”

Now, I wouldn’t consider myself completely oblivious. But at certain times, I can look back at things, add them up, and finally see what was, well, right in front of my face.

Needless to say, when my husband and I began to get serious, she wasn’t into hearing my “girl talk.” She didn’t care much for my crush, and she literally just stopped talking to me.

I thought that it was my fault. Surely, it was because I had blown her off because I was so blindsided by love. So, I began my apology tour, which fell on deaf ears. She wanted nothing more to do with me – period.

I later found out that once I had left town, she moved in with another “best friend” – ironically one who was married when I was there and didn’t care for my relationship with “Susan.”

I suppose when it comes to determining androgyny from homosexuality, I am a klutz. It seems like everyone around me can spot a lesbian. But me? Not so much. I was her best friend and missed every one of the signs. And I never asked myself the question, “Is she a lesbian?” [Read: How to tell if a woman is attracted to another woman]

I suppose I should have seen the signs: her obvious affection for me, being there at my beck and call, and her anger at my relationship. But what do I know? She was divorced, and to me, that spelled “straight.”

Since then, I have begun to think about other women in my life who have been very close to me. And much to my surprise, I have found out *after the fact* that they are gay. Not ready to accept it themselves, it takes a lot of courage and fear of rejection – even more so than heterosexual relationships.

20 signs that might have you asking, “Is she a lesbian?”

If you have a girlfriend and are suspicious that she may have ulterior motives, I think that I have finally narrowed down the 20 signs to look for if you are wondering, “is she a lesbian with a crush on me?”

The problem is that we often look for stereotypes like the way a woman dresses, her hairstyle, her build, or her athleticism. The truth is that what goes on in the brain chemistry of a person doesn’t always surface in the way they look or behave. [Read: 15 common lesbian stereotypes we hear all the time]

#1 She seems way too into you. You know how it feels when you make friends with someone and you feel like a school girl with a crush – but you are missing the crush part?

You like to laugh together and want to hang out, but if she can’t seem to do anything without you, thinks you are the ‘da bomb, and wants you there for breakfast, lunch, and dinner 24/7, that is too close for comfort. There are friend jitters, and then there are much-too-creepy jitters.

#2 She makes positive comments about you how you look and it makes you slightly uncomfortable. I remember when I was driving home with my friend and she said, “I think you have the nicest ass in the neighborhood.” That is not generally something a straight woman would say to another woman… why be looking at a female’s ass and admitting it?! [Read: 20 unmistakable signs your friend is crushing on you]

#3 She makes up ridiculous rendezvous with men, but you haven’t ever met them. Susan always had “Pedro” or some “guy” she met at some random bar, but there wasn’t ever a guy in her life. Like a front, she wanted to pretend she was heterosexual, just in case I didn’t get the message.

Good idea apparently, because I didn’t. If she doesn’t have a guy and you have known her for a while, and all she talks about is casual sex that you know didn’t happen, she is probably a lesbian. [Read: What is it really like to have a lesbian experience?]

#4 She grew up in a family where being gay wasn’t acceptable. “Susan” was the sister to three brothers and Irish Catholic. If you are any of those, you get it.

For some people, if they came out of the closet, it would ruin their family, their job, or something else in their vicinity. And if you get the vibe that they like you a little more than they should, they are probably a lesbian.

#5 She de-friends you quickly. If you start dating someone, and suddenly it was like you never existed, then that’s weird. And it’s not like the case where she got mad that you were the cheerleader who was always dumping her friends for the football player.

You aren’t in high school anymore. If she suddenly has no interest in you because you are dating someone, then you turned her off when you were turning her on.

#6 She doesn’t want to talk about your guy stuff. If you have been able to talk about everything, but when it comes to guys it is totally off limits, then you are with someone who doesn’t want to hear about you liking someone else. Suspicious? Yes. And that may mean that she likes you as more than a friend. [Read: How to tell if two girls are actually more than just friends]

#7 She hates every guy that you are attracted to. If she can find something wrong with every guy you bring up, even the good ones, then there is something not right. We all carry baggage with us. But if you notice that she doesn’t seem to have a problem with men in general, but just the men you are in to, then you may want to reconsider what team she bats for.

#8 She finds any reason to be alone with you. If every time you want to bring someone else to a social outing and she finds a reason that you two should go alone, it may be that she is jealous of your time.

Wanting to be alone with your secret crush is not just something that heterosexual crushes desire. Just because you don’t know why she wants to spend time alone with you, doesn’t mean that she isn’t getting pure desire from this intimate time.

#9 You feel strange dressing or undressing in front of her. We all have that girl that you didn’t want in the dressing room. It wasn’t exactly that she looked directly at you, there was just something that gave you the creeps about her.

If you think twice before getting naked to change clothes and haven’t ever given it a second thought before, that is your inner voice telling you that something is up. [Read: What it means to have a lesbian fantasy as a straight woman]

#10 She texts you obsessively. Texting can be fun, but if she gets pissed when you aren’t on top of it *especially when she knows you are on a date*, then she is in need of your constant attention.

Girlfriends can be pretty obsessive with other girls without having a crush, but if it is something a little more than that, then you should put the signs together and see what you come up with.

#11 She wants all of your attention. If she is constantly flashing the “look at me sign” and doesn’t want you to give any of it to anyone else, then that is a sign that you are the object of her desire.

If all she wants is to be with you, talk to you, hang out with you, it is either that she is lonely and has a hard time making other friends, or that she really just enjoys you that much.

#12 She sits in the wings waiting for you. It is natural for your friend to want to be with you, especially if you get along really well. But if she can’t do anything without you, waits around for you, or is always waiting for you at your front door, you may want to open your eyes a little. [Read: Are you more than friends or just friends?]

#13 She makes off comments about other girls. It is natural for girls to think other women are beautiful. We all take notice when a woman is absolutely gorgeous.

But if you notice that she almost has a preoccupation with some other woman and keeps going on and on about her body or her looks, that is way too much thinking about another woman to at least not signal bisexuality. [Read: 9 sure ways to tell if someone is bi-curious]

#14 She has “experimented” in her past. If she has told you about her “crazy” experimentation in the past, then she just may still be trying to figure out what team she plays for.

We all do things just to give it a try, but being with other girls is typically not something you experiment with unless you may have a tendency to have feelings or them. Sure, it is a fad, but if she seems infatuated by you, then she just may want to experiment with you.

#15 She tries to show off for you. If you notice that when you are alone, she continues to do things to show off for you, then she may be trying to make you see a side of her that will turn you on.

Women are no different from men in trying to impress their crush. If she is constantly doing things to make you think she’s ‘da bomb, then that is way too much effort for just a friend. [Read: Help! My gay friend is coming on to me]

#16 She self-discloses a little too much. Even with our best friends, we have a line that we keep to keep things to ourselves that are private. If she is constantly telling you things that are way too close for comfort, she may be trying to relate to you on an emotional level that is way too intimate than where y’all should be.

#17 She losses her shit when you don’t answer. If she is like a jealous boyfriend when you don’t answer immediately, think about it – she is your jealous girlfriend.

#18 She buys you things. I am not above seeing something cute and thinking about a friend and buying it for them, but if she is buying you expensive gifts or things to keep you around, she is probably trying to buy your love and not in a “friend” kind of way.

#19 She has suddenly changed. If you started out super fun and casual, and then all of a sudden she is acting completely differently toward you, then something is up. That doesn’t necessarily mean that she has crossed over the line to being infatuated with you, but if she is acting like she has a crush on you, she probably does. [Read: 10 signs you’re dating your friend already and just don’t know it]

#20 Your inner voice is telling you something is wrong. There is a reason we have an inner voice. And unfortunately, it is almost always right, whether we want it to be or not.

If your inner voice is telling you that she is getting too close for you to be comfortable, listen to it. You wouldn’t want to send back the wrong signals if it is pretty blatant, and you aren’t making your intentions clear by going along with it.

I am a pretty clueless person when it comes to the knowing the difference between an androgynous friend and a lesbian one. It is difficult when we have a good friend who wants something more – especially if you don’t see it, and everyone else does.

If you have a strange feeling that something more is going on in your friendship, take a step back and examine her behaviors to see if maybe she has a crush on you.

[Read: Are you lesbian or bisexual? How to understand your secret desires]

If you are wondering, “Is she a lesbian?” then these 20 signs will help you figure it out. But remember, the last thing you want to do is to send her the wrong message and give her the impression that you are feeling the same way. That can lead to some real hurt feelings.

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Julie Keating
Julie Keating

A writer isn’t born, but created out of experiences. No lack of subject matter, my life reads more like fiction than anything that could have been imagined...

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