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Are Insecure Men Worth Dating?

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You may never know you’re dating an insecure man until it’s too late. Find out if they’re worth dating and how you can spot an insecure man here. By Jessica Dawson

insecure men

In all my years of dating men, if there’s one thing that’s stuck out like a sore thumb in a man, it’s his insecurity.

At least in all the men I’ve dated, more than half of them were insecure.

Rather surprising, isn’t it?

What’s more surprising is that I’m not the only one who’s had to deal with insecure men.

Almost every woman I know has experienced her share of insecure men.

The funniest part of all this is that most women don’t even know they’re actually in a relationship with an insecure man!

Insecure men and their woes

Insecure men can come off as one of the most sensitive and nicest men you’ve ever met.

At first, he may be quiet and always ready to give you advice when you need it.

But as the months start to roll by, you’d see that the advice would start to turn into sulking commands and manipulative pleas to arm twist you into doing what he wants.

Unfortunately, you’ll never see the signs or the real face under the mask of niceness until you’re ready to end the relationship or have already broken up with him. [Read: How to deal with insecurity in a relationship]

That’s the strange power of insecurity and insecure men in a relationship.

Experiences with insecure men

The first time I ever dated an insecure guy was almost a decade ago.

He was an exceptionally great guy who loved me and treated me like a princess. We had the best times together. A few months into the relationship, he thought my friends were a bad influence on me. I felt the same way too and decided to spend less time with my friends. And then, it was the same with my job and with the amount of time I spent in office and how much I spend on shopping.

Now he never was rude. In fact, he was extremely understanding and nice. It was more like he was concerned about me and cared for me.

But he always seemed hurt and pained when I went out without him. But he would go out often with his own friends!

No matter what I did, unless I had his approval, he was always upset by something or the other. I tried changing myself for him so he could be proud of me. After all, he was a really good catch. But the more I tried, the more I failed. Nothing could ever please him, and he always had a way of pointing flaws in the things I did.

I was in this relationship for almost three years before we had to go our own ways for good. [Read: Why we end up falling out of love in a relationship]

And a few relationships later, I met another great guy. And within a few weeks of dating this new guy, I started seeing the same symptoms that I had seen in my earlier boyfriend, great guys who give great advice, but eventually turn into men who can never be pleased. [Read: The right way to have a perfect start to a new relationship]

The mind of an insecure man

It took me quite a few years to actually see what I was experiencing now and then with guys I date. Acknowledging the fact that you’re dating an insecure man is never easy. Almost all the time, you’ll just end up assuming that your boyfriend’s only trying to help you.

If you’re stuck in a relationship with an insecure man, you’ll have to spend all your life trying to please him and make him feel happy and satisfied in the relationship.

And before you know it, your sweet and insecure man will learn to control your life by playing the part of the victim. And you’ll never even realize you’re being manipulated and arm twisted till you lose your old happy life and become a woman whose only ambition in life is to keep her man happy and make him feel proud of her. [Read: Signs to tell if he really is the right man for you]

The problems of dating insecure men

Insecure men are terribly jealous. But they won’t admit to it. In fact, they’ll make you feel like you’re being the bad one in the relationship. They’ll behave like they’re sacrificing so much for your happiness, and load you up with guilt.

Insecurity in your man can also make you antisocial and stunt your growth. Before you know it, you’d start to avoid all your friends and spend all your time with him. And even if you want to meet a good friend, you’d wonder if your boyfriend or husband would be okay with you meeting a friend. Ever felt that? Chances are, you’re being tricked into submission by an insecure man.

One of the easiest ways to recognize an insecure man is by watching his behavior when you’re having a pleasant conversation with another man.

A secure man wouldn’t be offended or threatened if his woman speaks to other guys *unless she’s had a sexual history with that guy*. But if your man is insecure, chances are, he’ll tell you how lonely and awkward he felt when you were so busy talking and having fun with another guy. Insecure men don’t speak their mind. They look for ways to pierce your heart and get things done their way. [Read: Why does love hurt so much when it goes bad?]

Why are some men so insecure?

Insecurity is a deep rooted issue that’s as unique as the guy. But almost always insecurity is a trait that’s associated with men who have low self esteem.

If a guy’s scared you’ll leave him, he’d do anything to manipulate you into staying. Insecure men like controlling their women because of their own shortcoming. But yet, they’re not bold enough to speak their mind.

Truthfully though, extremely insecure men have issues, serious issues that they may choose to overlook. There’s nothing you can do about it though. So don’t try dating an insecure man with the hope of trying to change him. He won’t change unless he chooses to.

Signs of insecurity in men

One of the biggest signs of insecure men is the lack of trust in the relationship. If your man doesn’t trust you or always seems suspicious of your behavior, there’s a good chance he’s got a lot of insecurity to deal with.

Most insecure men can’t take criticism and they’ll do anything to put the blame on someone else than accept faults and change for the better.

[Read: 15 shocking signs of insecurity in a subtly controlling boyfriend]

Insecure men aren’t always insecure though. At times, it may just be the fear of losing you that makes your man insecure. When you sense a hint of insecurity in his behavior, help him change by showering him with love. But if that doesn’t work, walk away before he manipulates you into becoming someone you’d eventually hate!

[Read: 15 tips to make an insecure boyfriend less insecure and jealous]

Insecurity in love can seem cute at first. But there’s just a thin line separating the cutely jealous men from the insecure men. Keep your eyes peeled and watch out, because there are far more insecure men out there than you can imagine.


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Have your say!
  • hannah
    March 9, 2012 | Permalink |

    i love this article. am with a guy like this and he is just as bitter as hell, but i have left him for GOOD.

  • IVZLM
    May 4, 2012 | Permalink |

    Sadly I recognise some of this in myself and also recognise it as insecure and though I appreciate it is not easy for a woman, it is not easy for me (us) either is there anything I can do to help this? To stop myself?
    Often it is because of an emotionally distructive childhood e.g. being told regularly of being stupid or rejected, being compared infavourably to others on a regular basis for example I was raped by my brother at 13 and he was the ‘poor dear lad’.

    I am emotionally mature enough to recognise where I am insecure and when I am about to ‘react’ and am getting help (personally and professionally) only please don’t recommend “throwing the baby out with the bathwater” but rather help a couple to recognise it and deal with it.

  • Vijay
    November 11, 2012 | Permalink |

    My Mother brought me up constantly telling me that “Good guys” never talk to girls. Yes. I say the truth here.

    Our scriptures, mythology, upbringing, British imposed catholic schooling, traditional thinking, all of them say the same things – “sex is bad, masturbation is bad, being assertive is arrogance, arrogance is bad, submit to elders” and so on, and only then will you be a good person. In short, independence is never allowed to grow and is nipped in the bud because it becomes a danger to manipulative people.

    Nice guys aren’t born nice. They are made to become “nice” by their Mothers.

    And the guys suffer all their lives because the same “Mothers”, when younger, badly wanted a “bad boy”.

    I grew up that way and always treated girls with respect. If I see a girl closely hugging another guy, my inference will automatically be that she and he love each other. But the girl would say “we’re just friends”. Everyone knows that boys cannot be friends with girls without wanting them. They end up as the nice guys and cry their hearts out.

    It hurts a lot when nice guys are called insecure. They aren’t insecure. They are only trying to apply the rules that were thrust on them even without them realizing that, on the girls they love. They don’t go out either with their “friends” because they hardly have any true friends. Their so called friends are usually exploitative guys who get their work done by these nice guys. Luckier nice guys find nice guys as friends, but that doesn’t help any of them to get girlfriends, and they are all alone.

    It’s easy to say that a man has to be alpha or confident or “get his way through”. But it’s tough for a nice man to be that way because the society would have manipulated him and confused him and brainwashed him into becoming “nice” and pliable.

    I swear to God on one thing. The day a nice man discovers the above truth, he will be baddest ass in the world. I pray to God to give all nice guys in this world that strength and realization and help them lead their lives in a fulfilling manner.

    Nice guys, a piece of advice to you from another nice guy – Don’t care that the girl will get hurt. Let her, as long as you don’t have an intent to hurt her. If she really has any brains and a loving heart, she will stay with you and understand and appreciate your goodness. Otherwise, don’t cry over that girl. Let her go. It doesn’t matter whether you called this or that nasty word, what matters is that every moment, you live BY YOUR THOUGHT AND DESIRE. Not someone else’s.

    May God give all us nice guys strength and protection. And my atheistic nice guy brothers, may you find this by yourself and soon!

  • Vera
    January 19, 2013 | Permalink |

    I just broke up with my insecure guy after almost 4 years of trying to please him. It was impossible. After reading the article, I recognized him right away. Never any trust, always jealous, nothing was ever his fault. He was very affectionate, understanding and attentive to my needs. He was a fantastic lover. He was generous when he wanted to be. On my part, I am very independent, outgoing, have friends, hobbies and interests, traveled a lot, was attractive to males. This just drove him crazy! He was so crazy jealous that he deliberately did things to humiliate and hurt me, kept dating other women, did horrendously disrespectful things to me. Towards the end he really became unhinged, and decided to be with another woman who made him more secure. To this day he still wants to be with me, calls me, wants to do things for me, but only to have access to my knowledge, connections and expertise. Finally, I see the trap.

    His life is becoming unhinged, he is in a financial downspin, about to lose everything he has, probably going to jail, is an alcoholic and a pothead, and of course cheaters are liars and liars cannot be trusted. I realized finally that I would never be free to pursue a man who respects me, desires and trusts me in a way that is healthy and brings both of us happiness. I wish him no harm, but now it’s time to either block his number or change mine so we don’t have to speak again…..

  • mexi guy
    January 23, 2013 | Permalink |

    Id like to say that if u are dating as many guys as the suthor of this article sounds like she did, theres sonehing wrong. I believe we can all b a little insecure if we se ou bf or gf speaking to another person that we feel are attractive. I think if u are in a relationship, you should both behave accordingly and with respect of one anothers feelings. If the person u r with calls themselves a socialite and are not respectfull or mindfull of hanging out, having friends, speaking to people of the opposite gender, then you need to watch out. I havev dated very beautifull, yet slutty women and have noriced even they would have insecurity issues and even tended to criticize other slutty behaving women, when they were around me or even on tv. Its a matter of respect.. my point is, you feel insecure about your partner its probably a good time to see why and leave them if they are tramps.

  • john
    February 25, 2013 | Permalink |

    I also recognize some of these things in myself but I think its banking on the woman dealing with it if there’s no merit. While I recognize some of these things theyve also been brought on by her misposting to men she voluntarily promised to swear off months earlier due to them pursuing her, during an intimate conversation. Nude photos of other men on her phone she attempted to hide, and being left for an hour during the start of a dance her man travelled 600mi to attend with her. The feelings may ultimately end up insecure, but not without reason. Are we simply broken men or have inconsiderate and unappreciative women pushed so many of us here?

  • Watever
    February 25, 2013 | Permalink |

    I agree with Mexi Guy. How many men did this author date to know so much about HALF of the men she dated? Half? lol woah.

    Not to mention you can MAKE other ppl insecure by your actions. If you are always doing things like flirting and never spending time with your Spouse or partner, chances are YOU are contributing to the bad feelings.

    This is why I find dating pointless unless both people involve love each other and respect boundaries.

  • Redeemedthoughts@gmail.com
    March 1, 2013 | Permalink |

    Oh my goodness – I just got out of a dating situation with a man who I realize is insecure. It’s been three months, and he really is wonderful! He’s sensitive, Christian, intelligent, funny, he’s sexy, and he makes good money. He had everything that met my requirements for dating, and I enjoyed him so much. We didn’t have sex, but we had a developed a pretty strong emotional attachment. We’d be hanging out late at night and my guy friends texted me saying what’s up. My guy just had about a heart attack! I assured him that my friendships have always been platonic and innocent, but he wasn’t satisfied. So I changed my phone number, because he had so many qualities that I wanted that I was willing to show him that I was committed. However, me changing my number wasnt enough for him. He said that he wanted space!

    It was like he wouldn’t receive my comforting and assurance, because his issue is his issue. It wouldn’t have mattered what effort I took, he is still insecure and angry and suspicious of my male friends, even after I cut those ties. He told me how he feels very strong about me and how he wants to make me his. He introduced me as his girlfriend and talked about how we should introduce our children soon, yet he was willing to walk away very fast bc he freaked out.

    I realize now that it was for the best, because I found myself working very hard
    to please him. I started to get paranoid that he was upset. His behavior became irrational and unpredictable, and it was all drive by fear. Which is so disappointing because he really does have so much going for him!!

    And now, I’m back to being single. I’m very disappointed because I was willing to work with him through his insecurities, and willing to let go of the things that triggered him, as long as it wasnt at the cost of my dignity. I have compassion for him now, rather than feeling hurt.

  • Bond
    March 6, 2013 | Permalink |

    @IVLM
    I too had a childhood like that. Being bullied all the time. I guess this is one big reason for insecurities in a man. I have a girlfriend, Although I am never Jealous of her talking to a male friend, until I know that person is a real bad guy. But lot of traits here matches a lot to what I was in my initial stages.

    @author
    Yes Its very risky and tough to live with an insecure man, but you know your love can do wonders. I soon realized that my behavior and overly nice attitude is hurting her and then I changed. Yes, Now we have equal relationship. I don’t always sacrifice now.
    Give her enough chance too

  • Bettabelieveit
    April 9, 2013 | Permalink |

    I too was with a guy like this. We just broke up…..and I think it needs to be for good. He constantly thinks I’m cheating. He questions everything that I do. And no matter how much I stress to him that I don’t want anyone else he accuses me the more. It breaks my heart. He takes things out of my past that has happened years ago and uses that to justify how he treats me. He talks to his ex and other women of his past and always makes it seem like its no big deal. But he accuses me of everything…..even to the point of sleeping with my stepdad. I love my stepdad like my own father….and I have slowly distanced myself from him just to not have arguments. It has slowly drained me. I can’t do it anymore. And when he gets into his way…the name calling starts and I’m all kinds of whores and b*tches. My heart is broke tonight. I’m 34 with no kids and I wonder am I destined to be single. That’s probably why I held on so long to this. I don’t want to be single. But at some point I have to say that I’d rather be single then to have to deal with an unhealthy situation.

  • Anna
    April 12, 2013 | Permalink |

    I’m a woman, but I am extremely insecure, and it’s something I need to work on. But I would never manipulate a significant other like this article describes. It sounds like the men the author’s talking about have other issues besides their insecurity. Dismissing all insecure men as manipulative and not worth dating is really unfair. Insecurity is a problem in relationships, but not every insecure man is going to act like this.

  • Peter
    May 14, 2013 | Permalink |

    ??w about insecure women who keep asking every day “do you still love me?”
    That’s about 95% of all women

  • JoJO
    June 2, 2013 | Permalink |

    Insecure men, oh alas, I have been there on few occasions. They are simply nasty.
    Meet a nice guy, let him give you all of his world (which upon first sight, you’ll realize that isn’t very much) Insecurity has haunted him most of his life and he won’t have much to show for it.
    There will be blood, you’ve seen the movie, it will soon be yours. They become abusive.
    They usually have addictions to many things. These addictions you will never be able to turn around and you shouldn’t even try. But, try as you might, you will only eventually be blamed for these addictions that started years before you ever knew this person. Insecure people will bring you down to their level, simply because you’re “inlove” your “understanding”.
    But eventually the words will fly out of your mouth and hopefully when you’re not in a corner.
    “Loser” and then you’ll bolt before he’s on your heels with his fists swinging. He’s in a relationship only to prove to himself that he is a loser and also to prove to himself that you are a loser too. And if I think about it, yes, I was a loser too. I actually stayed with him and almost became the low life that he is. Why, I shake my head. Well, because we all have buttons and when subjected enough to the same press of them, we do fall to their level of self contempt and soulful injury. We all have our pain. Find anyone in your life who discourages you by rubbing your pain in your face and you’ll know what people to leave far behind.
    Leaving him? Not easy because you’ll never get closure, validation or even revenge. He’s not even looking at you anymore. His own self hate now looks right through you. Take that to (not into) your next relationship as a future clue. These are words of truth. And never, ever (this is where they want you) feel any sympathy or guilt. Don’t bother, he knows exactly who he is. If he didn’t want to fix it before he sought any form of a relationship with others, then yes, he is still an insecure loser.

  • Clarke
    June 12, 2013 | Permalink |

    This is the worst kind of pop psychology. There is no such thing as a “insecure man.” There are men who are shy, or quiet, or poor, or unattractive, or jealous, etc. To say that an insecure man is going to rope you in, isolate you from your friends, abuse you, and lock the door so you can’t leave is just idiotic. It’s mindblowing that the author omits a discussion of insecure WOMEN–as if they simply don’t exist.

  • Amanda
    June 13, 2013 | Permalink |

    @Clarke, you’re joking, right?!!! There is no such thing as an insecure man? My god, where do you live? Under a rock?

    Your ignorance baffles me, it’s no wonder so many people don’t understand relationships. An insecure man does exactly that, he ropes you in, isolates you from friends, and locks the door so you can’t leave.

    I’ve been in a relationship with an insecure guy. At first you feel so loved because he’s possessive and sweet, but it’s only much later that you realize that his possessiveness isn’t a sign of his love for you, it’s a sign of his own insecurities that can’t handle his girlfriend talking to others or having a nice time with someone else! Of course, it can happen to both men and women, and either sex can be insecure and manipulative.

    Gosh, you’re such an idiot if you think insecure guys don’t exist!

  • Phill
    August 17, 2013 | Permalink |

    If you repeatedly find your relationships turning from him treating you like a princess, to him not liking you living your life as if you are single then maybe you’re the one that is breaking them. I found out too late that my ex had a habit of doing the same thing.

    It’s common to hear women say they want a strong man that will stand up to them, but any woman who says this is abusive.

    If you’re lucky then one day you will meet a man that hasn’t been broken yet & you’ll treat him properly. Otherwise your only choice is staying single or changing how you operate. Unfortunately with a steady stream of men prepared to put themselves through hell, it’s unlikely you’ll change and you’ll keep blaming the men for it.

  • James
    September 7, 2013 | Permalink |

    Well… I am insecure as hell… been cheated on in last 4 relationships. going through a divorce she cheated on me 4 times…. I think the problem is that society has brain trained us into thinking we are supposed to be monogamous. When in actuality… how many of us really wait until marriage… how many of us stayed with that high school sweetheart. I am insecure and I recognize it completely, I just seriously don’t know what to do about it.. It really pisses me off. I have a great girlfriend now… And she has to deal with my insecurity due to previous relationships, including my marriage. I feel horrible I just tell myself to be patient… I am also a really nice guy. And I have never cheated… I feel like it’s wrong… I should take my own advice here, this being about insecurity… but it comes down to feeling like you have ownership of your partner… I know I don’t own her and in all honesty I don’t want to. Insecurity would never be a problem if we weren’t raised under such monogamous intentions. Yet… I don’t feel the urge to want more than one partner.

    Additionally, It makes no sense in general. by the time you’re old enough to comprehend love, you know you love your family. Love, to me, is not based on sex, Love is an emotion not an action, You love with your heart, but you have sex with your body. I love my family, and I love my girlfriend… so am I now emotionally cheating on my girlfriend because I also love other people? If you ponder on the ideas long enough you see yourself in a vicious cycle, that you would never be in if there were no reasons to be insecure, but clearly, there are, because I still am. And I recognize all this… yet… again… still here… wanting only one. An insecure man isn’t the worst you could do. For instance, you might do a background check on a new guy… where I would assume you may have another guy on the side just because you’re texting… I’ve been hurt in the past, and maybe you have too… guess what? We are both just trying to protect ourselves… Everyone is insecure to some extent. Hell, I’m probably not the guy to get advice from on it, but what I can tell you is… Even though I am insecure… I still love unconditionally. I might fear that someone will cheat on me, but that doesn’t mean I am going to end it… I still know how to accept others for who they are… insecure people have problems with self acceptance… My friends would suggest I was an idiot for staying… many of you reading this may suggest the same thing… but that’s how I know Love Conquers All!

    Think about it. “Insecure men”… well… are you not just as “insecure” for labeling us?

    I am not suggesting that this post is invalid, but I know I am extremely insecure, but I am not abusive, nor would I ever be. You we’re saying something about our mommy making us the “Nice guy” Well my mom also taught me not to touch a female, no matter how bad some of you women out there deserve a good knock upside the head… lol And ya’ll play on that… until that one guy who didn’t listen to mommy comes along. In conclusion, Don’t always judge a book by it’s cover, but hell yeah most of us are insecure… but I could just as easily say most women are promiscuous, and most of those insecure men…. spawned from a promiscuous woman. Just think about it and thanks for reading, I meant no offense to anyone, apologies if I came across otherwise.

  • nyssa
    September 9, 2013 | Permalink |

    well, I love the control freaks.. its cute.. if ur actually homely and gentle I don’t think you’ll have a problem with any man ( secure or insecure)..

  • Filly
    September 15, 2013 | Permalink |

    I honestly can NOT stand dating insecure guys. From a girls point of view, dating a clingy/ insecure guy is nothing but a burden. I sincerely apologize for guys who have had their past haunting them. However, a guy that constantly thinks you’re cheating is a guy you can lose for good.

    Trust me. I dated a very insecure guy, and during the relationship he always bended backwards for me. I basically moulded him and I really didn’t like that. I didn’t try, but he never told me what he wanted otherwise. When we broke up he is STILL going on about how I might be lying to him today and how I might have been cheating on him in the past. What in the world? I honestly didn’t cheat on him, but I honestly have lied to him after we broke up. I told him I didn’t have several social devices because I’ve been trying to avoid him, but he’s getting his friends to double confirm. This is an insanity.

    What I’m trying to say is, lose him quick or you’ll never get rid when you want to. And for the guys who are on the other side, trust yourself more. Yes, I mean yourself and not your girl. You should already have a mutual respect for your girl, but if you can’t learn to trust yourself, then you can’t expect her to trust in you. You need to figure things out before finding a girl to sort this stuff out for you.

    I know I’m being insensitive and I might not be seeing it from a guy’s point of view, but these are just my thoughts– a penny.

  • Adam
    October 8, 2013 | Permalink |

    If half of all men are insecure is that even considered psycho anomaly or just part of normal distribution? I can surely say that with right words and actions u can also make any woman insecure. Ppl should understand that when u are in the relationship u cannot act like you are single and somethings are NOT ok! There has to be respect of each other boundaries. It’s a compromise and it is not for everyone juts like marriage or kids are not for everyone.

    Insecurity and desire to control are as human as any other emotions. You have learn how to manage it :)

  • me
    October 8, 2013 | Permalink |

    This article is so true. Thanks to the author for writing it!

  • Denny
    October 11, 2013 | Permalink |

    All men have insecurities. All PEOPLE have insecurities, for that matter. This article is crap. Every man on the planet is an insecure man in some way. There’s always something that will make them uncomfortable.

    This article is crap – don’t take of this information with you, ladies.

    If you’re with a man and you’re feeling like he’s really insecure, it means you’re incompatible. You’re poking at his insecurites, probably without even knowing it, or having any ability to do anything about it. Maybe it’s a simple as you’re just too tall and feeling shorter is an insecurity of his. Can’t fix it. There’s other girls out there that won’t poke at his insecurities. He needs one of them. Let it go, let him go.

    It absolutely doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy or a control freak or has some mental illness. None of this is related.

    This article is crap.

  • 10vely1ady
    October 13, 2013 | Permalink |

    @denny, you say this article is crap I disagree. I was very compatible with my insecure bf we got along really well ONLY problem was his insecurities. Example 1: We went out for my birthday to see one of my fav bands they sung my fav song and I got really excited ( was really in the groove) immediately after the show my insecure bf went Bonkers on me, accused me of wanting to screw the band …all because I got overly excited about 1 song.. Smh. Example 2: went to a Halloween party with some friends when I returned home I showed him the pictures we took that night on my iPhone, one picture was of two friends and some random dude from the party I accidentally scrolled past the pic to many times after I had showed him it and he went bonkers again said I must like the guy in the pic cause I showed him it 2 times.

    So Denny getting excited about a song& sharing picture with my bf means were not compatible ??? Not! He’s a freaking insecure phycho and for some reason I sense you are one as well

  • Somegirlsomwhereinitalia
    October 18, 2013 | Permalink |

    I once dated a guy who wouldn’t even let me talk to his friends!! Once he came to my house at 3 am and i was stupid enough to go down to meet him. While we were talking he took my phone opened it and destroyed my sim card! RIght then and there I couldn’t see how dangerous his behaviour was… but it shook me. Soon after this episode I broke up with him. I was only 19 and we had been dating for a few weeks only! I don’t think he was insecure.

    Having said that I don’t think it’s fair to say all insecure men are undateable. I agree with those who said insecurity is caused by the other person (sometimes) but it’s not cool to generalize. I think guys who won’t let you go out, are manipulative etc have BIGGER ISSUES than insecurity. I’ve dated insecure guys and they are not at all manipulative. They are nice, The last guy I dated was a little insecure and he would never actually tell me he liked me or anything like that… though I knew it from his actions and his friends would tell me what he did to try and see me(cute stories) but the problem ended up being his guardedness. I ended up feeling insecure too so I stopped dating him

  • DatingStarter
    November 20, 2013 | Permalink |

    Well, I think all men are worth dating. Nobody is secure, regardless or how they want to hide their insecurity. Personally, I think it’s cute to see a man who isn’t that real macho.

  • Just another guy
    January 4, 2014 | Permalink |

    So if men are so insecure why do women hate it when a guy has female friends does that mean they are also insecure…im what they are calling the nice guy and have landed in the friend zone with the women i do know but after getting to know them i would not date them because i know to much about there private life i dont want to but they are still my friends but anyway insecurity usaly happens after you have been shitted on by some one you do love and dont want to go through that heart ache again….just sayn my personal experience in the matter

  • Anna
    January 22, 2014 | Permalink |

    I dated an insecure guy for 6 months, He was all over me, like, extremely obsessed. The longer we dated, the more insecure he got.. I tried to tell him that I loved him too, but wanted to take things slow. Unfortunately I couldn’t keep up with his pace. He said he needed to find a girl he was going to stay with forever and he was scared that I would leave him in the future. Result? After weeks and weeks of going back and forth between him wanting to be with me and not, he eventually broke up. I got into this way too deep. I’m just posting this to let you girls know, that male insecurity can be so deeply rooted, that it makes them break up with you. Please be careful and find a strong man!

  • Anonymous
    January 25, 2014 | Permalink |

    With all due respect, I sort of disagree with leaving him. It all depends on how much you love the guy. Yes, the easiest (and quickest) way is to leave him… Unless he’s being really abusive, I wouldn’t recommend it. His jealousy can be lessened if you have patience and truly love him.

    I’ll tell you a bit of a story. When my mother first started dating my father, things were VERY rocky because of his insecurities about their relationship. I’ll spare the details, but it included accusations of cheating on him with her co-workers and a lot of “Where are you?”s. I read some articles online and some books (yes, I read psychology books… don’t judge!) and found some things I learned and I think it could help. However, every relationship is different, so take this with a grain of salt.

    First, don’t follow your natural instinct to close off and just let him go. Yes, it may be annoying and inconvenient to be given the third degree over nothing, but if you answer his questions calmly, it’ll be better.

    Second, people who are insecure/jealous in a relationship usually have a deep-seated problem. For some reason, some past experience or sense of unworthiness has made them terrified of losing their partner and so they panic and try to control their partner. For my father, his sister died, and his girlfriend broke up with him, and they had a CHILD together. So figure it out. If he thinks he doesn’t deserve you… figure out why he feels unworthy. Are his parents’ expectations too high so he feels like a failure? Bad past relationships? Stress at school/work? Is he actually ugly and you’re so in love you don’t notice?

    Third, try to be reassuring when you confront him. Never, ever let on that you find his interrogations/demands you give up your guy friend annoying. Say something like, “I’m happy that you want me all to yourself, because that’s how I want you, because I love you, but you should know that you’re the last guy in the world who needs to worry about other guys.” Yes, this sounds corny and overwrought, but, really, the true root of all jealousy/insecurity in a relationship is fear. He’s tearing himself up inside about you leaving him because he feels discouraged and unworthy. He can’t imagine you with another man. It’s not anger or hatred that makes him like this… It’s the pain and suffering he feels in his heart… he’ll appreciate what you’ve said.

    Lastly, jealousy only truly goes away when he feels secure, comfortable and loved and he knows you won’t leave him. Tell him that you love him. Stroke his ego; tell him how good he looks in that color/shirt/position. Tell him you feel safer when you’re with him. Tell him that you’re lucky to have him. Spend more time alone with him – and I mean REALLY alone, i.e. no texts/phone calls to other people. Kiss him out of the blue, when he asks why, say “because you’re irresistible.” That sort of thing. But this doesn’t mean that you throw yourself at him.

    As long as he’s not hitting or threatening you, contrary to popular belief, you CAN do something. It may take a long time, and you may have to shelve your normal behavior to prove to him how much you truly love and care for him. All it takes is patience, empathy, and unconditional love. If you truly love him, it will be worth it in the end. You’ll have the opportunity to make a difference in his life, and in turn you will get to be the most special girl he ever met.

    Like I said, this worked for my parents, and they have been happily married for almost 30 years now. But everyone is different.

  • Buick
    February 7, 2014 | Permalink |

    Bullshit, you generalise insecurity. Most people have insecurity, it’s all a question of how you deal with it. I’ve dated women who could not control their insecurity, but when I dumped them I was portrayed as insensitive mysogynystic pig who DID NOT UNDERSTAND.This article is basically saying “unless a man is super confident then he’s not worth dating”. Secondly, what about the other extreme; a man with no confidence issues to the point were the woman feels that he does not need her at all? Nobody is perfect, and it is the ability to work with imperfections that make us better people. All and I mean all have insecurity, it’s all about how you deal with it rationally. Your article is wrong because it’s based on the premise that only people without insecurity are worth dating, the question of if they can deal with it is precluded. That’s why I think your perspective is myopic, superficial, reductive and misandrist.

  • Buick
    February 7, 2014 | Permalink |

    female insecurity when not dealt with is far more deceptive, dangerous and subversive than male insecurity. Males will put it all before you and say here I am, whether that’s the obsessive “I want to be with you forever type” or the “jealous at anything” type. In the end we know these guys are numptys and need to deal with their issues. However, female insecurity is usually justified as being the fault of the insensitive partner. This is the reality of gender inequality. Let me give you an example. I had a friend who was dating a girl who was jealous that he had friends who were girls. The said girl went back to her friends and they all convinced her that it was insensitive to her that he had female friends and is not really taking her feelings into consideration. I will also note that this girl had many male friends. So the moral of the story is that insecurity in the 21st century needs to be dealt with according to gender. If you are a female dating an insecure man then you should get rid. However if it’s the other way around then that man better change!
    So all this nonsense about finding “A strong man” had another twist, he should have no insecurities himself, but have the manly strength to deal with yours. We live in a time were it is perfectly acceptable for women to have a plethora of psychological problems but it’s still taboo for men to have them. Thanks for reinforcing this.

  • Train Dragon
    February 24, 2014 | Permalink |

    Buick – I agree with a lot of what you said. Insecurity can be both constant and fleeting and even the most confident people with high self-esteem can experience occasional insecurity. I believe the key is to be able to rationalise it in a logical and real-life context rather than let this insecurity drive you into actions that are controlling.

    However I don’t think the article suggests that insecure people are “not worth dating” – but people who exhibit controlling and manipulative behaviours as a result of insecurity, are not worth dating. It’s basically emotional abuse, and no-one wants to be in an abusive relationship.

  • Jeannie
    March 17, 2014 | Permalink |

    Thank u so much for this, all of this is very true, at the end he blamed everything on me, he was afraid of letting me go, once he found someone behind my back he wasn’t so afraid of letting me go. So all the times I reassured him that I wouldn’t let him oh wax a waste.

  • J.S.
    March 27, 2014 | Permalink |

    It’s not male insecurity when a woman rebels against the feminine and attempts to take the masculine role.

    This is just typical western culture and the corruption of masculine/feminine dynamic.

    If a man asks you to comply with a reasonable request, and you don’t want to do it. You’re probably with the wrong man. Or perhaps you have two different value sets when it comes to your expectations within relationships.

    Here’s your quote;

    “Most insecure men can’t take criticism and they’ll do anything to put the blame on someone else than accept faults and change for the better.”

    I see the exact opposite happening in this article.

  • Colin
    May 21, 2014 | Permalink |

    I hate the branding of the word “insecure”. Men are allowed to be insecure, too. After all, if I wrote an article called “Are Insecure Women Worth Dating?” can you imagine the hate that would rise up?

  • Fame
    June 10, 2014 | Permalink |

    I’m so glad I read this article & everyone opinions. I must say Insecure men are the worst nightmare to a woman. I have dated 2 of such & I’m in the worse ever now. Sometimes I feel like staying, other times I just feel like running away. I have been hit on 4 good occasions all out of jealousy. Its a life of hell. Every call, text message is checked, he tells me how to live just to please him. I keep re assuring him I love him & it hurts me so much. He keeps telling me he doesn’t want to share, if I dare look too much at another guy then I’m in problem. I’m praying so much 4 God to give me the grace to end it & be strong cos its leading me to a state of depression.

  • F
    June 12, 2014 | Permalink |

    My guy is extremely insecure when it comes to himself, partially because he was bullied and then had a bad relationship. It goes to extremes, he always says things about his looks like I want to cut off my face so nobody will eever have to look at it. Also he automutilates and comes across rather depressed in general. But he is never insecure in our relationships, he encourages me hanging out with friends (although he does often ask if he can come too) and loves introducing his (male) friends to me. Our relationship is 4 months old. He makes me happy, although his self esteem and concerning habits sometimes drive me nuts (for the 1000th time, you are NOT ugly and you are the oposite of useless). Is this the type of insecure man you are warning us for? I want this to work.

  • Jason
    July 22, 2014 | Permalink |

    This article is, for want of a more eloquent word, mistaken. To write generalizations about insecure men being unable to recognize their own flaws is in itself a highly idiosyncratic statement, not only because ‘insecure’ men continually recognize their issues and often only have a problem with them if you do, but it is also a very hypocritical viewpoint considering that you yourself admitted to absolutely no fault in this entire article. Relationships which may acceptably be considered ‘adult’ must consist of two people willing to openly share responsibility, yet I only see pointed fingers here.

    For instance, you cite instances of your ex partner being insecure because you were busy having fun time with another man, but you make no mention of the obvious conflict of interest between being ‘too busy’ with another man and being in a committed, adult relationship. I would imagine, were your partner to be ‘too busy’ with another woman, you may very well waste no time busting his chops for it.

    What you perceive as male insecurity is more than likely to be reasonable emotional responses, which you condemn but most certainly would have no problem justifying were the shoe on the other foot.

    Aside from the double standards, insecurity is an inherent part of the human psyche, and there is not one person on this planet who does not have insecurities. Perhaps, rather than creating some highly narcissistic filter-mechanism for men whereby you adjudge honest communication of a man’s insecurities as a sign that he is unlovable, you might turn that perceptive wand towards yourself and understand that you are as much a part of your relationship problems as the man you pin all responsibility upon.

    If you were my girlfriend, I wouldn’t hesitate to call you on your nonsense.

  • Jason
    July 22, 2014 | Permalink |

    In fact, what might benefit you is to refrain from espousing your subjective, highly contrived opinions on what all men with insecurities inherently are and how they should be treated. You are the perfect example of a woman filling other women’s heads full of utterly irrelevant nonsense.

    No two men are the same and I am absolutely certain, that were I to write an article assuming myself so intelligent as to understand what every insecure woman is and how she should be treated, that the responses would be both brutal and numerous.

    There is no formula, no perfect man, and certainly nobody qualified enough to generalize so dangerously as you do in this article.

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