You may never know you’re dating an insecure man until it’s too late. Find out if they’re worth dating and how you can spot an insecure man here. By Jessica Dawson
In all my years of dating men, if there’s one thing that’s stuck out like a sore thumb in a man, it’s his insecurity.
At least in all the men I’ve dated, more than half of them were insecure.
Rather surprising, isn’t it?
What’s more surprising is that I’m not the only one who’s had to deal with insecure men.
Almost every woman I know has experienced her share of insecure men.
The funniest part of all this is that most women don’t even know they’re actually in a relationship with an insecure man!
Insecure men and their woes
Insecure men can come off as one of the most sensitive and nicest men you’ve ever met.
At first, he may be quiet and always ready to give you advice when you need it.
But as the months start to roll by, you’d see that the advice would start to turn into sulking commands and manipulative pleas to arm twist you into doing what he wants.
Unfortunately, you’ll never see the signs or the real face under the mask of niceness until you’re ready to end the relationship or have already broken up with him. [Read: How to deal with insecurity in a relationship]
That’s the strange power of insecurity and insecure men in a relationship.
Experiences with insecure men
The first time I ever dated an insecure guy was almost a decade ago.
He was an exceptionally great guy who loved me and treated me like a princess. We had the best times together. A few months into the relationship, he thought my friends were a bad influence on me. I felt the same way too and decided to spend less time with my friends. And then, it was the same with my job and with the amount of time I spent in office and how much I spend on shopping.
Now he never was rude. In fact, he was extremely understanding and nice. It was more like he was concerned about me and cared for me.
But he always seemed hurt and pained when I went out without him. But he would go out often with his own friends!
No matter what I did, unless I had his approval, he was always upset by something or the other. I tried changing myself for him so he could be proud of me. After all, he was a really good catch. But the more I tried, the more I failed. Nothing could ever please him, and he always had a way of pointing flaws in the things I did.
I was in this relationship for almost three years before we had to go our own ways for good. [Read: Why we end up falling out of love in a relationship]
And a few relationships later, I met another great guy. And within a few weeks of dating this new guy, I started seeing the same symptoms that I had seen in my earlier boyfriend, great guys who give great advice, but eventually turn into men who can never be pleased. [Read: The right way to have a perfect start to a new relationship]
The mind of an insecure man
It took me quite a few years to actually see what I was experiencing now and then with guys I date. Acknowledging the fact that you’re dating an insecure man is never easy. Almost all the time, you’ll just end up assuming that your boyfriend’s only trying to help you.
If you’re stuck in a relationship with an insecure man, you’ll have to spend all your life trying to please him and make him feel happy and satisfied in the relationship.
And before you know it, your sweet and insecure man will learn to control your life by playing the part of the victim. And you’ll never even realize you’re being manipulated and arm twisted till you lose your old happy life and become a woman whose only ambition in life is to keep her man happy and make him feel proud of her. [Read: Signs to tell if he really is the right man for you]
The problems of dating insecure men
Insecure men are terribly jealous. But they won’t admit to it. In fact, they’ll make you feel like you’re being the bad one in the relationship. They’ll behave like they’re sacrificing so much for your happiness, and load you up with guilt.
Insecurity in your man can also make you antisocial and stunt your growth. Before you know it, you’d start to avoid all your friends and spend all your time with him. And even if you want to meet a good friend, you’d wonder if your boyfriend or husband would be okay with you meeting a friend. Ever felt that? Chances are, you’re being tricked into submission by an insecure man.
One of the easiest ways to recognize an insecure man is by watching his behavior when you’re having a pleasant conversation with another man.
A secure man wouldn’t be offended or threatened if his woman speaks to other guys *unless she’s had a sexual history with that guy*. But if your man is insecure, chances are, he’ll tell you how lonely and awkward he felt when you were so busy talking and having fun with another guy. Insecure men don’t speak their mind. They look for ways to pierce your heart and get things done their way. [Read: Why does love hurt so much when it goes bad?]
Why are some men so insecure?
Insecurity is a deep rooted issue that’s as unique as the guy. But almost always insecurity is a trait that’s associated with men who have low self esteem.
If a guy’s scared you’ll leave him, he’d do anything to manipulate you into staying. Insecure men like controlling their women because of their own shortcoming. But yet, they’re not bold enough to speak their mind.
Truthfully though, extremely insecure men have issues, serious issues that they may choose to overlook. There’s nothing you can do about it though. So don’t try dating an insecure man with the hope of trying to change him. He won’t change unless he chooses to.
Signs of insecurity in men
One of the biggest signs of insecure men is the lack of trust in the relationship. If your man doesn’t trust you or always seems suspicious of your behavior, there’s a good chance he’s got a lot of insecurity to deal with.
Most insecure men can’t take criticism and they’ll do anything to put the blame on someone else than accept faults and change for the better.
[Read: 15 shocking signs of insecurity in a subtly controlling boyfriend]
Insecure men aren’t always insecure though. At times, it may just be the fear of losing you that makes your man insecure. When you sense a hint of insecurity in his behavior, help him change by showering him with love. But if that doesn’t work, walk away before he manipulates you into becoming someone you’d eventually hate!
[Read: 15 tips to make an insecure boyfriend less insecure and jealous]
Insecurity in love can seem cute at first. But there’s just a thin line separating the cutely jealous men from the insecure men. Keep your eyes peeled and watch out, because there are far more insecure men out there than you can imagine.
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i love this article. am with a guy like this and he is just as bitter as hell, but i have left him for GOOD.
Sadly I recognise some of this in myself and also recognise it as insecure and though I appreciate it is not easy for a woman, it is not easy for me (us) either is there anything I can do to help this? To stop myself?
Often it is because of an emotionally distructive childhood e.g. being told regularly of being stupid or rejected, being compared infavourably to others on a regular basis for example I was raped by my brother at 13 and he was the ‘poor dear lad’.
I am emotionally mature enough to recognise where I am insecure and when I am about to ‘react’ and am getting help (personally and professionally) only please don’t recommend “throwing the baby out with the bathwater” but rather help a couple to recognise it and deal with it.
I’m noticing some double-standards on this website. In another article here (‘Insecurity in a Relationship – How to Get Over It’) you try to help women who have security issues by giving them advice and support. Whereas in this article you tell women to just dump insecure men, while effectively demonizing them as ‘manipulators’. This is ironic too, considering that are multiple articles here advising women on how to manipulate men, and claiming that its perfectly acceptable to do so (e.g. see article: ‘How Can Women Manipulate Men Easily?’)
Are the writers here actually trying to give people good advice on how to maintain healthy relationships or are they just giving terrible (and contradictory) advice on purpose? Men’s and women’s “advice” columnists are just mirror reflections of one another. Its no wonder there are so many dysfunctional couples out there when both men’s and women’s advice columnists advise people on “How to get more out of your man/ woman” (i.e. how to get more sex/ attention/ resources out of them using any means necessary). Surely it would be better to advise people on “How to make the most out of your relationship”- i.e. how to make relationships more fulfilling for both partners.
My Mother brought me up constantly telling me that “Good guys” never talk to girls. Yes. I say the truth here.
Our scriptures, mythology, upbringing, British imposed catholic schooling, traditional thinking, all of them say the same things – “sex is bad, masturbation is bad, being assertive is arrogance, arrogance is bad, submit to elders” and so on, and only then will you be a good person. In short, independence is never allowed to grow and is nipped in the bud because it becomes a danger to manipulative people.
Nice guys aren’t born nice. They are made to become “nice” by their Mothers.
And the guys suffer all their lives because the same “Mothers”, when younger, badly wanted a “bad boy”.
I grew up that way and always treated girls with respect. If I see a girl closely hugging another guy, my inference will automatically be that she and he love each other. But the girl would say “we’re just friends”. Everyone knows that boys cannot be friends with girls without wanting them. They end up as the nice guys and cry their hearts out.
It hurts a lot when nice guys are called insecure. They aren’t insecure. They are only trying to apply the rules that were thrust on them even without them realizing that, on the girls they love. They don’t go out either with their “friends” because they hardly have any true friends. Their so called friends are usually exploitative guys who get their work done by these nice guys. Luckier nice guys find nice guys as friends, but that doesn’t help any of them to get girlfriends, and they are all alone.
It’s easy to say that a man has to be alpha or confident or “get his way through”. But it’s tough for a nice man to be that way because the society would have manipulated him and confused him and brainwashed him into becoming “nice” and pliable.
I swear to God on one thing. The day a nice man discovers the above truth, he will be baddest ass in the world. I pray to God to give all nice guys in this world that strength and realization and help them lead their lives in a fulfilling manner.
Nice guys, a piece of advice to you from another nice guy – Don’t care that the girl will get hurt. Let her, as long as you don’t have an intent to hurt her. If she really has any brains and a loving heart, she will stay with you and understand and appreciate your goodness. Otherwise, don’t cry over that girl. Let her go. It doesn’t matter whether you called this or that nasty word, what matters is that every moment, you live BY YOUR THOUGHT AND DESIRE. Not someone else’s.
May God give all us nice guys strength and protection. And my atheistic nice guy brothers, may you find this by yourself and soon!
I just broke up with my insecure guy after almost 4 years of trying to please him. It was impossible. After reading the article, I recognized him right away. Never any trust, always jealous, nothing was ever his fault. He was very affectionate, understanding and attentive to my needs. He was a fantastic lover. He was generous when he wanted to be. On my part, I am very independent, outgoing, have friends, hobbies and interests, traveled a lot, was attractive to males. This just drove him crazy! He was so crazy jealous that he deliberately did things to humiliate and hurt me, kept dating other women, did horrendously disrespectful things to me. Towards the end he really became unhinged, and decided to be with another woman who made him more secure. To this day he still wants to be with me, calls me, wants to do things for me, but only to have access to my knowledge, connections and expertise. Finally, I see the trap.
His life is becoming unhinged, he is in a financial downspin, about to lose everything he has, probably going to jail, is an alcoholic and a pothead, and of course cheaters are liars and liars cannot be trusted. I realized finally that I would never be free to pursue a man who respects me, desires and trusts me in a way that is healthy and brings both of us happiness. I wish him no harm, but now it’s time to either block his number or change mine so we don’t have to speak again…..
Id like to say that if u are dating as many guys as the suthor of this article sounds like she did, theres sonehing wrong. I believe we can all b a little insecure if we se ou bf or gf speaking to another person that we feel are attractive. I think if u are in a relationship, you should both behave accordingly and with respect of one anothers feelings. If the person u r with calls themselves a socialite and are not respectfull or mindfull of hanging out, having friends, speaking to people of the opposite gender, then you need to watch out. I havev dated very beautifull, yet slutty women and have noriced even they would have insecurity issues and even tended to criticize other slutty behaving women, when they were around me or even on tv. Its a matter of respect.. my point is, you feel insecure about your partner its probably a good time to see why and leave them if they are tramps.
I also recognize some of these things in myself but I think its banking on the woman dealing with it if there’s no merit. While I recognize some of these things theyve also been brought on by her misposting to men she voluntarily promised to swear off months earlier due to them pursuing her, during an intimate conversation. Nude photos of other men on her phone she attempted to hide, and being left for an hour during the start of a dance her man travelled 600mi to attend with her. The feelings may ultimately end up insecure, but not without reason. Are we simply broken men or have inconsiderate and unappreciative women pushed so many of us here?
I agree with Mexi Guy. How many men did this author date to know so much about HALF of the men she dated? Half? lol woah.
Not to mention you can MAKE other ppl insecure by your actions. If you are always doing things like flirting and never spending time with your Spouse or partner, chances are YOU are contributing to the bad feelings.
This is why I find dating pointless unless both people involve love each other and respect boundaries.
Oh my goodness – I just got out of a dating situation with a man who I realize is insecure. It’s been three months, and he really is wonderful! He’s sensitive, Christian, intelligent, funny, he’s sexy, and he makes good money. He had everything that met my requirements for dating, and I enjoyed him so much. We didn’t have sex, but we had a developed a pretty strong emotional attachment. We’d be hanging out late at night and my guy friends texted me saying what’s up. My guy just had about a heart attack! I assured him that my friendships have always been platonic and innocent, but he wasn’t satisfied. So I changed my phone number, because he had so many qualities that I wanted that I was willing to show him that I was committed. However, me changing my number wasnt enough for him. He said that he wanted space!
It was like he wouldn’t receive my comforting and assurance, because his issue is his issue. It wouldn’t have mattered what effort I took, he is still insecure and angry and suspicious of my male friends, even after I cut those ties. He told me how he feels very strong about me and how he wants to make me his. He introduced me as his girlfriend and talked about how we should introduce our children soon, yet he was willing to walk away very fast bc he freaked out.
I realize now that it was for the best, because I found myself working very hard
to please him. I started to get paranoid that he was upset. His behavior became irrational and unpredictable, and it was all drive by fear. Which is so disappointing because he really does have so much going for him!!
And now, I’m back to being single. I’m very disappointed because I was willing to work with him through his insecurities, and willing to let go of the things that triggered him, as long as it wasnt at the cost of my dignity. I have compassion for him now, rather than feeling hurt.
@IVLM
I too had a childhood like that. Being bullied all the time. I guess this is one big reason for insecurities in a man. I have a girlfriend, Although I am never Jealous of her talking to a male friend, until I know that person is a real bad guy. But lot of traits here matches a lot to what I was in my initial stages.
@author
Yes Its very risky and tough to live with an insecure man, but you know your love can do wonders. I soon realized that my behavior and overly nice attitude is hurting her and then I changed. Yes, Now we have equal relationship. I don’t always sacrifice now.
Give her enough chance too
I too was with a guy like this. We just broke up…..and I think it needs to be for good. He constantly thinks I’m cheating. He questions everything that I do. And no matter how much I stress to him that I don’t want anyone else he accuses me the more. It breaks my heart. He takes things out of my past that has happened years ago and uses that to justify how he treats me. He talks to his ex and other women of his past and always makes it seem like its no big deal. But he accuses me of everything…..even to the point of sleeping with my stepdad. I love my stepdad like my own father….and I have slowly distanced myself from him just to not have arguments. It has slowly drained me. I can’t do it anymore. And when he gets into his way…the name calling starts and I’m all kinds of whores and b*tches. My heart is broke tonight. I’m 34 with no kids and I wonder am I destined to be single. That’s probably why I held on so long to this. I don’t want to be single. But at some point I have to say that I’d rather be single then to have to deal with an unhealthy situation.
I’m a woman, but I am extremely insecure, and it’s something I need to work on. But I would never manipulate a significant other like this article describes. It sounds like the men the author’s talking about have other issues besides their insecurity. Dismissing all insecure men as manipulative and not worth dating is really unfair. Insecurity is a problem in relationships, but not every insecure man is going to act like this.
??w about insecure women who keep asking every day “do you still love me?”
That’s about 95% of all women