Have you been looking for that elusive nice guy? Kevin Smith tells you where to find a nice guy and helps you understand what goes on in a nice guy’s mind.
For most of my life, I’ve always been the nicest guy around. I was nice to everyone. We’ve heard of blooming boy scouts, who are so hell bent on trying to be nice to everything.
Now imagine me at school, I was the leader of boy scouts! Literally!
So that probably makes me one of the nicest guys in the world, waiting to get walked over by everyone who has seen my face.
If there was anything as an Academy Award for the Nicest Guy, I would have won that with my hands tied behind my back. I was that nice!
I helped old women cross the street, stayed sober because I had to drive my friends back after a New Year party, and always made sure I put my others’ needs before mine, especially when it came to women.
A nice guy and his love life
I had my first serious relationship with a girl when I was fifteen. The relationship lasted a little over a year.
I knew it wasn’t going to work out two months into the relationship, but I didn’t want to break up because she was a nice girl, and I really didn’t want to break her heart. I silently suffered through a painful year with a girl who pretended like she was still single and kept our relationship a secret from her friends, especially her guy friends.
And what happened eventually was that she dumped me and walked out on me two days before our ‘one year two months’ anniversary and hooked up with another guy who wore a leather jacket and had pierced ears.
I’ve had several women best friends since I was a young kid, and I used to speak with all of them for hours on end over the phone. All the girls in my college liked me a lot, and they kept reminding me about what a nice guy I was. Of course, I liked hearing that. [Read: Are you more than friends?]
Friends, crushes and getting stuck in between
After graduating, I met this gorgeous girl, who took the air straight out of my lungs. She was exceptionally beautiful and very sweet. Eventually, after bumping into each other now and then, we became really good friends.
The only problem with her was that she was really depressed all the time. We used to sit down over coffee for hours, and I loved being around her. Within the first two years after knowing her, she had been in six relationships and walked out of all of them, and there I was, sitting next to her, falling in love more and more with her while she used to hug me and look deep into my eyes.
All I gave a damn about was how her boobs felt against me when she hugged me, but of course, what could I ever tell her? [Read: Why men like breasts?]
I could never tell her I had a big crush on her. I mean, the closeness we shared would eventually get us together, right? And after each hug, she used to tell me the same thing, “You are the sweetest guy I’ve ever met. I wish more guys were like you.”
She even asked me the question that could have changed our relationship once, “tell me where to find a nice guy who would love me?” I just smiled and responded cryptically that he’s probably just around the corner waiting for her to recognize him. I wanted love to blossom through friendship like it did in the movies. The girl dates a million guys and finally realizes that the love of her life was right next to her. [Read: How to tell if a guy likes you]
When the nice guy loses his charm
After years of being by her side and putting up with everything she had ever told me, that’s what I was. A friend. After being there for her for so long, all I was to her was a friggin’ friend! And what upset me was that she wanted a nice guy, but she never did fall in love with me. [Read: How to ask a friend out]
Our “mutual” friendship lasted five years, until one of her longer boyfriends found me threatening and asked her to avoid me, or break up with him. Yup, wasn’t she a true friend. She decided to part ways with me in happiness, so that we don’t hate each other. She never called me after that, and I still missed her. I didn’t miss listening to her rant about her guys, but I missed her warmth and I missed not having an opportunity to have gone out with her.
Mr. Nice Guy no more!
I had basically been through most of my prime years being really nice to women while they just steam-rolled all over me. The days when I could actually date young women without having to pay them for sex were coming to a close. I was getting desperate.
And then, one day, as I was sitting on a park bench and contemplating if I should turn gay or die a virgin, something struck me! [Read: What is the right age to get married?]
Nope, it wasn’t an illuminating revelation. It was a big red Spalding basketball.
A bunch of guys were playing in the court nearby, and a few girls were watching the game. As the ball hit me, I was floored. I raised my head up groggily to see stars flickering in front of my eyes. I looked around and saw a few of the girls laughing until they turned pink. The guy who threw the ball towards me too, was roaring with laughter. And eventually one of the guys picked the ball up and walked away, without even apologizing to me.
I even saw one of the guys splash half a bottle of water on one of the girls. The girl yelled at him, and eventually, she started chasing him down. The guy and the girl caught up, they just hugged playfully, kissed and laughed out loud. I wondered why these good looking girls liked hanging around with a bunch of jerks when nice boy scouts like me were lonely and dumped all the time without the least bit of remorse.
I was hurt. My eyes welled up with tears, and streamed down my cheeks. I was in my early twenties, naïve, and I was so bitter and angry. And what made it all so much worse was that I was helpless. Women wondered where to find a nice guy, and even when I stood right in front of them, they walked all over me.
And at that moment, I vowed to change my life, and stop being nice to people, especially women. I was Mr. Nice Guy no more. I prided myself for being a really nice guy all this while and girls laughed at me, ridiculed me and walked all over me.
I wasn’t going to let that happen ever again. And almost overnight, I became rude and spoke my mind out without hesitation. My old friends drifted away and I made new friends. I became selfish and the world was just about me and only me. For the first time, I started enjoying life and meeting women who wanted to be with me, not because I was nice, but because I was someone they desired.
Where to find a nice guy?
So really, where are all the nice men? Perhaps, women have forced the nice guys to go extinct, or evolve into jerks that get women instantly. [Read: Is it wrong to be a bitchy girl?]
Can you believe that? Of course, you don’t. But it’s true. Women change nice guys into jerks and wonder where all the nice guys have gone! [Read: Why you can't find love]
But we have the big question here, where to find a nice guy after walking all over him in the first place? Many people say you’d find nice guys in book clubs, concerts or even in the meat section of grocery stores. But is that true? I don’t think so.
You have as much a chance of finding a nice guy in a grocery store as much as you may have finding him in a coffee shop or any place else in the world. Nice guys are everywhere, and you’d probably bump into several of them every single day. But do you really care or even notice them? [Read: Love at first sight - The real truth]
Women may not know it themselves, but they’re really not looking for a nice guy. Women think they want a nice guy, but in reality, they really don’t. So if I were you, I’d stop looking for a nice guy because you’re not going to be happy with a nice guy anyways. It took me years to understand the psyche of a nice guy and why they end up losers in love. After all, I was a nice guy for most part of my life.
Understanding the mind of a nice guy
So who is a nice guy really? Is he nice by choice or is he just nice because he has no choice at all?
To be frank, nice guys aren’t gentlemen, they’re whining wussies. Nice guys have a huge inferiority complex, and they just can’t handle a confrontation. They don’t know how to say ‘no’ and they’re terribly afraid that women will reject them if they don’t go out of their way to be nice to women.
You know that nice guy, the same one that says “Is everything okay with you? Are you sure? Are you really, really sure? Talk to me about how you feel, okay, I’m here for you… I’ll always be here for you… Is there anything else I can get you…?” Well, that was me, that same dork you see in stupid teen movies, the same guy who gets a barrel of beer overturned on his head, while all the others laughed at him.
Nice guys constantly convince themselves that they’re better and nicer than other guys. I’ve been there and done that. Instead of manning up and facing a conflict or asking a girl out directly, they slink away and convince themselves that they are great guys who can handle anything if faced with an unavoidable situation, or get any girl they want if they really made a move.
They go out of their way to help others and love getting compliments and hearing that statement, ‘you are such a nice guy’. It reaffirms what they’re thinking, that they’re the nicest guys in the world, and that every other guy is a loser. But when a girl declines to go out with them, nice guys assume the world is conspiring against them and that women hate nice guys.
When you date a nice guy, he’s never going to speak his mind. He’ll only say what you want to hear, be it about your dress or the plans for the evening or what to order at a restaurant. By saying what you want to hear, he’s avoiding conflict and at the same time, making it appear like both of you have perfect compatibility. But these kinds of relationships can never work out or even be real, and after a while, women will start to hate this ever-agreeing and overly sensitive man who’s fake and constantly craving for your attention or dealing with emotional insecurities.
What kind of a man do women really need to be happy?
To be really happy with a perfect man, you need to stop trying to find a nice guy. Instead, look for a guy with three traits – a guy who loves you, respects you and most of all, respects himself. These guys are harder to find, but you’ll know if a guy respects you and respects himself in the very first conversation. And the best part, these men can be found everywhere. [Read: How to find love]
It takes one respectful and loving man and one complimenting and loving woman for a relationship to be happy and successful. Not a nice guy. And definitely not a woman who feels guilty for stepping all over a nice guy. [Read: Is he the one for you?]
[Read: Dating facts]
So if you’re ever wondering where to find a nice guy, stop looking for him. He’s not worth your time, and you’ll end up walking all over him and leaving him bitter and rude anyway!
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