One of the worst fears a person can have entering into a new relationship is whether or not their new lover is a commitment phobe. Here’s how to tell.
It’s hard to straight out ask a person if they’re afraid of commitment. Firstly, you have no reason to suspect that they might be if you’re still just getting to know them, and secondly, it might actually scare someone off *even if they’re not afraid to commit*.
This makes the dating game really hard for those of us who want something serious but don’t know how to tell if the person we’re after is the commitment type. There’s not much worse than pursuing a relationship with someone who is going to bolt at the first sign of something serious.
It’s a waste of time and it’s honestly an emotional hardship. There’s only so much non-committal drama a person can handle before they snap.
Is he afraid of commitment?
I have wasted a great deal of time pining for guys who are huge commitment phobes. They’re afraid of being tied down to one person and what that could mean for their future. Personally, I got really, really sick of it.
But at least one good thing came out of my having to deal with all those men with commitment phobia—I learned the different ways to tell if he is a commitment phobe right from the get-go. And lucky for you, I’ll divulge those secrets to you so you don’t have to go through the same struggles that I did.
#1 He hasn’t had a relationship in a long time, if ever. Most of the time, you’ll be able to find out if the person you want to be with has had a girlfriend or more in the past. Whether that’s through talking to them or from internet snooping, you’ll find out. If he has no indication of any past relationships, it could be a sign that he just never commits. [Read: Is he a player or a gentleman? 13 clear giveaways]
#2 He never mentions the future. When he avoids conversations that have to do with the future, even if it’s just a week away, he doesn’t want to commit to even that long of a relationship with you. Future talk is for people who plan to be there in the future.
#3 He avoids the topic of your relationship. If you’ve ever attempted to bring up “the talk” and he has very adamantly changed the topic of discussion, he doesn’t want to have to tell you that he doesn’t want a relationship.
#4 He never mentions his family. People who want to commit in a relationship usually bring up their family because, well, it’s probably inevitable that you’ll meet them at some point. But if he never mentions family at all, he’s likely not the commitment type. [Read: 7 clear signs it’s the right time to meet the parents]
#5 He never mentions his friends. The same thing goes for his friends. Guys don’t talk about their friends or bring you around if they don’t plan on staying with you. So if you’ve never met his friends and it’s been a WHILE, it’s a sign he’s a commitment phobe.
#6 He keeps personal details to himself. Do you know his favorite color? Do you know how he feels about important issues going on in the world? What was he like as a kid? If you’ve been seeing each other for some time now, yet you don’t know the answers to those questions, it’s probably because getting personal screams “COMMITMENT” to him. [Read: 40 first date questions to have a great conversation]
#7 He always makes an excuse if you try to make plans. If you’re dating a commitment phobe and you try to bring up plans for something more than a week or two in advance, but he seems to always have an excuse as to why he can’t make it, it’s because he can’t commit to being with you that long.
#8 He doesn’t want a label. If you actually get an answer from him when you ask what you two are, and that answer had anything to do with not wanting to “label the relationship,” he’s afraid of commitment.
#9 He freaks at the idea of your leaving a toothbrush at his place. Or any other personal items, for that matter. If you can’t even leave your contact solution at his place, he has issues when it comes to commitment. [Read: 15 things to know before moving in with your boyfriend]
#10 He never refers to the two of you as “we.” This is because, in his book, there is no “we.” There is a girl he’s banging, and then there is him. And he’s got no plans to change that dynamic.
#11 He’s very vague about what he does in his free time. If you have no idea what he’s doing all day long, even on the weekends, it’s because he doesn’t want you to know.
#16 He doesn’t introduce you to people he knows. If you two are out and about and just so happen to run into one of his friends, but he doesn’t even make an effort to introduce you, he doesn’t see you as someone he’s going to commit to anytime soon.
#17 He doesn’t confide in you. When he’s having a bad day or is really having a tough time making a decision and never opens up to you about any of it, he’s got a fear of commitment. People like him don’t want to invest so much into someone who they don’t want to have around for the long haul.
#18 He doesn’t keep you updated on his day. When a guy you’re seeing doesn’t have the decency or even the desire to text or call you throughout the day, and only calls at night to hang out RIGHT THEN, he’s not someone who will commit to a relationship. [Read: Why do men hate talking on the phone?]
#19 He doesn’t get jealous… at all. No jealousy = no true feelings. Sure, jealousy can be hidden. But if there’s a situation where he should be getting mad and he really doesn’t seem to care, it’s because he doesn’t. [Read: 17 big signs of a jealous and possessive boyfriend]
#20 He makes you question his intentions. The fact that you’re reading this article may tell you more than I can about whether or not he’s a commitment phobe. If someone is really committed to you, you’ll know and will be able to feel it without any doubts. [Read: 15 clear signs he wants a real relationship with you]
Now, if he’s showing a couple signs here and there, that doesn’t necessarily mean that he’ll never commit to you. But if your person of interest is guilty of more than a few of these sure signs of a commitment phobe, you may want to rethink your current situation.
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Bella is a lifestyle writer, cheese enthusiast (Wisconsin native over here) and fantasy adventure author-in-progress who enjoys all things love, dog, p...