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BDSM 101: How to be a Dominatrix in the Bedroom

how to be a dominatrix

People may not say it—but some want their sexual partner(s) to be dominant. Here are all the tips to learn how to be a dominatrix and rule in the bedroom.

A dominatrix takes a leading and dominant role in a sensual and sexual scenario or relationship. As a dominatrix, your partner is the sub *or submissive*, who agrees to comply with all your rules and wishes. However, learning how to be a dominatrix also has its share of expectations and responsibilities, especially since you are the one who is in full control of the relationship.

How to be a dominatrix and conquer your partner in the bedroom

Aside from being confident and assertive, below are some more of the things that will teach you how to be a dominatrix and have your partner worship you like crazy!

#1 Do your homework. In order to know how to be a dominatrix, you need to know what it is all about. After all, there really is more to it that just wearing leather and holding a whip. Being a dominatrix doesn’t just mean you inflict physical pain on your partner.

Your domination can easily be verbal, psychological, sexual, or in the form of servitude. You can assert your dominance by means of psychological and physical stimulations, and you should brush up on how to perform both.

#2 Get into the mood. Pain is pleasure and pleasure is pain. This is one of the most basic things you have to learn about having a dominant lifestyle in the BDSM culture, where you can learn how to be a dominatrix.

The core of being a dominatrix is being able to inflict pain in a way that arouses your partner, and at the same time, to give pleasure to the point of pain. These two things should complement each other for a greater experience. [Read: BDSM tips and tricks for curious first timers]

#3 Find inspiration. During your research into the world of BDSM, find some notable dominatrix inspirations. From Trinity in The Matrix to Sherlock’s Irene Adler, pop culture and the media have a wide array of dominatrix personas and characters to keep you inspired and get you into character.

#4 Communication. Though you have to look and act the part, that doesn’t mean you should completely disregard your submissive partner. You have to constantly be sensitive to his or her needs. Always keep a keen eye to your partner’s body language. Look at their eyes, see if they stiffen or cry out in pain, as they may not be enjoying the play.

#5 Have a safe word. This brings us to the matter of safety. Being a dominatrix, you may have your partner gagged, bound, or crushed under your weight – and you may not easily see what their body language shows.

Therefore, it helps to have a defined safe word that you and your partner will hold on to throughout your play in order to keep yourselves safe. [Read: “Facts” you think you know about BDSM debunked]

#6 Choose your title. Decide what you want to be called when you are learning how to be a dominatrix. Your title is as important to your role and the whole setup, as it effectively supplements the atmosphere you want. You can choose from the following titles: Mistress, Ma’am, Goddess, Lady, Madame, and Queen.

#7 Choose your attire. You have to dress the part. And honestly, having the right getup can easily make you feel like you already know how to be a dominatrix. Invest in some leather and latex, like a full-bodied cat suit, a corset, some sexy stockings, gloves, and thigh-high boots.

#8 Brush up on your confidence and assertiveness. While you have all the leather and latex trappings to make even a professional dominatrix proud, at the end of the day, it all comes down to your confidence.

You have to first be self-aware, assertive, and clear about what you want and don’t want. [Read: From red room to real world – BDSM in your boudoir]

#9 Know bondage. Since bondage is also common in BDSM, as a dominatrix, you should know how to properly tie or gag someone. This ensures that your play stays consistent, and that you are both safe and enjoying your time.

#10 Props. It also helps to invest in the right props that will not just help set the mood, but also sustain it throughout your play. There are plenty of selections when it comes to BDSM props available in brick-and-mortar as well as online stores.

As a dominatrix, you can start with cuffs and at least one impact toy, such as a whip, cane, or paddle. You can also get yourself dildos to further heighten your sexual play—and don’t forget the lubes! [Read: 50 Shades of Grey – a new frontier in kink on film?]

#11 Set the rules. A good dominatrix sets the rules from the get go and makes sure that these rules are strictly observed. Meanwhile, your submissive partner will be glad to see these rules are followed to the T. Here are some examples:

-When they can speak. This is part of the power and control aspect of being a dominatrix. Often, instead of gagging, submissives are merely told that they are not allowed to speak or even make a sound even in pain—and it’s part of the pleasure to finally be allowed to talk.

-What to say. When they can finally talk, you can also control what are allowed to say. Whether you’re building out a fantasy or upping the intensity of your game, controlling what your partner says helps promote your dominant role and directs the course the sexual play will go.

-What to do. The power to dictate what your submissive can and can’t do is also part of the power dynamic. You can tell your partner to kiss or touch you on certain parts of your body, but they are restricted from other parts. Just make sure that you both consent to what is and isn’t allowed before your play begins.

#12 Role play. Role playing also helps take things to another level that is more exciting and arousing. This is also a way for you and your partner to let out your creativity as well as inject some fun into the whole dynamic.

For instance, you can play queen while your partner plays subject, boss and employee, as well as teacher and student. There are also sexy costumes for these role plays that will definitely put you both in the mood. [Read: 15 effortlessly sexy role playing ideas for the shy]

#13 Punish. When learning how to be a dominatrix, you need to understand that one of the things you need to do is institute punishments when your partner breaks rules during play.

Beyond the “You’ve been a very bad boy” which is almost a cliché, there are other ways to punish like a real mean dominatrix. You can remove one of their senses, such as their sense of sight by blindfolding, or sense of touch by binding their hands. [Read: 50 shades of dangerous sex – the right way to get risque]

#14 Reward. Also part of the dominatrix-submissive dynamic is to hand out rewards. You have to prepare certain rewards for obeying you or for “behaving.” Aphrodisiac foods for them to nibble on are good examples.

#15 Plan of action. Preparing how you will conduct your sensual play and what your roles will be is also like preparing to host a party. You have to set a date and time, plan the venue, and set up the place with décor, props, and furniture if necessary. [Read: 50 kinky ideas for a sexy relationship]

#16 Remember to be safe. Before you have your play, you and your partner should set boundaries you’re both comfortable with, as well as ground rules for safety. A safe word must be agreed upon beforehand. Also, throughout the whole scenario, you and your partner should also observe safety.

#17 Take a class. For first-timers who are venturing into learning how to be a dominatrix, it is best to take a class to find out the best and safest practices in BDSM, as well as sanitation and safety when it comes to props and toys.

You can check online, or you can go to your local sex or adult toy shop to see if they offer sex-positive classes.

[Read: How to be a freak in the sheets without being creepy]

Finally, when learning how to be a dominatrix, remember that it is more than just ordering your partner around. You have to take control while still being respectful. Make sure you always have safety and consent in mind in order to enjoy the whole experience.

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Tiffany Reyes
Tiffany Grace Reyes
Tiffany is a wordsmith who has played with words ever since her letter-to-the-editor was published nationally at the age of 9. Since then her writing has gone f...
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