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Sex Buzzkill: 23 Remarks that Will Kill the Mood for Sex

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Ever ruined a potentially explosive romp with a careless comment? Here are 23 things that will make your partner jump out of bed and out the door.

If there is one place you can let loose, it is in the bedroom. There’s nothing sexier than letting out your inner vixen or stag and participating in a little dirty talk. However, don’t think that because you’re comfortable with your partner or are caught up in the moment, you can leave your mouth uncensored. Nuh-uh!

In fact, there are still a whole bunch of things that should never—ever—be said in the bedroom, because it can be off-putting, awkward, insensitive, creepy, or just plain disgusting. Aside from money, politics *or politicians*, and reproductive health problems, we are breaking down the things you should not spout in the bedroom while you are locking lips with your partner, no matter if you are in the highest throes of passion and pleasure. [Read: The right way to talk dirty to a girl without turning her off in bed]

What you should never say while having sex

Here are the 23 cringe-worthy things you or your partner might be tempted to say in bed, but never should!

#1 Don’t worry, I’m taking medication/getting treatment for that. This is a big mood killer. Totally. You’ll only make your partner worry, because they don’t want to be treated for that, either. It’s best to come clean with whatever health issues you have before the clothes come off.

#2 Just wait until my significant other finds out. This means one thing: you’re hooking up to get back at someone, which could mean you’ll be in the middle of real trouble afterwards. Come on, you only want to get laid. The last thing you want is a death threat or a punch in the face.

#3 I can’t wait to have a baby! This is a little too fast. If you have been going out for a couple of dates and you’re not even sure if you are ready to take things to the next level, keep your mouth shut. Don’t take it to the next level—not even for a night.

#4 I bet our baby will have your beautiful eyes! This is another type of creepy future-baby talk no one wants to hear between the sheets, especially if you barely know each other. [Read: 11 worst bedroom mistakes women make in bed]

#5 We should get married! A proposal right before you do the deed? If you barely know the person, this is flat-out weird. If you have been going out and you’re absolutely not ready, this may be a death trap. If you love the person and you think that it’s about time, then go ahead and get hitched… right after you finish humping.

#6 Uh… the condom broke! This usually comes with the Psycho shower scene music in the background. If or when you or your partner says this, whatever memory of the great sex you’ve just had will be totally wiped out. Meanwhile, good luck.

#7 What’s your name again? This just spells G-A-M-E O-V-E-R for your sexy time and your relationship, whatever it is. If your partner doesn’t pay enough attention to you to even know and remember your name, chances aren’t too great that the relationship will work out. If you’re the one who doesn’t remember, use a term of endearment until you figure it out. [Read: 40 worst things to say to a woman before getting it on]

#8 Is it in yet? Your partner, as it turns out, is small. Really small. Now if you’re thinking this, please don’t say it. Men are seriously sensitive when it comes to their penis size, so just hope that he’s good with pleasuring you using other parts of his body.

If you’re a guy, not even knowing the difference between being “in” or “out” of her is sure to get you a swift slap to the face.

#9 Shhh! My <insert family member> might hear us! Picturing a family member waking up and walking in on you right when you’re doing the deed is an instant turn off. Ever thought of going to a hotel, instead?

#10 Is that it? If your partner gets off with just a few pumps, don’t expect round two if you say these words. Just say thanks, even if you’re not satisfied and will never sleep with them again. Now, if it’s your partner who says this, make a snap decision to either make a better impression or resolve never to sleep with someone so inconsiderate again. [Read: 15 biggest sexual turn offs for guys in bed]

#11 Aren’t you done yet? Pressure! So much pressure. The bedroom should be a sacred place, where you can let your body lead you. It is never nice to ask the estimated time of arrival of an orgasm, unless you want your partner to depart from your life for good.

#12 Hold on, let me take this call. If you’re about to come, and you’re screaming you’re about to come, but the phone rings and your partner gets off of you to take the call, you know it’s not meant to be.

#13 Hold on, be quiet; my spouse is calling. Much worse than the earlier bedroom boo-boo is if your partner answers a call, and you find out they’re married. This is too messy for your own good, on so many levels. If you find yourself in this position, get out—fast.

#14 Let me take a selfie. If your foreplay gets interrupted because your partner wants to post something on social media, you’re sleeping with the wrong people. Either your partner turns off their phone and concentrates on you, or they have to spend the night scrolling through newsfeeds instead of scrolling up and down on you. [Read: 40 worst things to say to a man before getting it on in bed]

#15 I’ll do it myself. This is not only a mood killer, it also kills confidence in the bedroom. Although masturbation can be great before sex, it can put you off if your partner decides to masturbate by themselves because they are not satisfied with you. But don’t throw in the towel just yet. Take their cue and do it for them, and maybe you can get the interrupted coitus back on track.

#16 Yes <insert wrong name>, oh yes! If your partner keeps talking about their ex to you and then you hear the ex’s name while you’re doing them, then your partner may not have moved on from their last relationship. If you hear a celebrity’s name and start to feel awkward, know that there’s nothing wrong with it, but tell your partner to keep the names in their head. [Read: 21 things a man should never. ever say to his woman]

#17 Wake me up when you’re done. One of you thinks it’s a sex fest, while the other thinks it’s a snore fest. Whichever one you are, you’re obviously not compatible.

#18 What’s… that?!? If you say this to your partner while pointing to their genitals, chances are they’re huge, unique, distorted, or gross. Or maybe it’s your first time, and you haven’t seen a schlong or a beaver yet. Whatever your reasons are, it’s impolite to say this out loud right when your partner’s private parts are in front of you. Keep your freak-out silent.

#19 You’re my first. Unless your partner already knows you’re a virgin, don’t suddenly dump the pressure on them to make your first time worthwhile! Now, if it’s your partner saying this, make a quick decision about whether or not you want that kind of responsibility looming over your head as you’re humping away. [Read: First time sex and the virgin’s guide to nailing it]

#20 Let me just remove my tampon. This goes without saying: unless you’re both into blood, vampires, or getting off to the mental image of a bloody tampon, this is something that will instantly kill the mood.

#21 My ex used to do it like this… In bed or not, talking about your ex with your new beau is a definite no-no. They’re your ex for a reason. If your partner is the one saying this, well… get out of the shadow of their ex, and find someone you can be in the present moment with.

#22 Is this thing on? If you say this while tapping on a dick like a microphone, then consider the night done. This may have seemed sexy when you imagined it, but, like many things in your head, this isn’t as good as it seems.

#23 Where’s the hole? Search with your eyes or hands, not with your mouth *unless you’re groping in the dark to give them oral*.

[Read: 7 smelly body parts that can ruin really great sex]

Communication and honesty are always good, but it’s best to keep some thoughts to yourself. The next time you open your mouth, make sure you are pleasing your partner with it instead of turning them off.

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Tiffany Reyes
Tiffany Grace Reyes
Tiffany is a wordsmith who has played with words ever since her letter-to-the-editor was published nationally at the age of 9. Since then her writing has gone f...
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One thought on “Sex Buzzkill: 23 Remarks that Will Kill the Mood for Sex”

  1. Jonathan says:

    My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months now. I’m a virgin, but she’s been with other guys, I’m not really sure how many. Last night we did it. We made out on the couch for like 20 minutes before we went to the bedroom. Once we did, we made out while I took off her clothes. then I stepped back from the bed and took off mine. That was when she first started giggling. Whatever, ignore it. So then I go down on her. I have watched videos online about how to eat a girl out, but it’s different in real life, so I asked her what she liked. At that point she started laughing at me (not just giggling). I just gave up on it and started kissing her neck and her face. After she stopped laughing, I put on a condom and put it in. After a few thrusts she just starts laughing uncontrollably again. After like 30 seconds of her just laughing at me, I panicked, pretended to cum, kissed her, rolled over and stared at the wall for 2 hours until I fell asleep. It was such a horrible experience. One of the reasons I wanted to wait to have sex with someone I cared about was so that something like this wouldn’t happen. It was so humiliating. I’m certainly not looking forward to having sex again. This morning I left before she got up. I don’t even know what to say to her. I just feel like such an idiot.

  2. Mike says:

    You’re definitely not an idiot, so never think that. You were responsible enough to use a condom AND had enough self-control to end the encounter without going to war with her.
    Now, in all honesty, I think you need someone who won’t make you feel panicky or inadequate. The fact that she laughed at you tells me she really didn’t care much about your feelings one way or the other. Stuff happens, though. I say this all the time and it’s perfectly applicable in this case: life is short, one day it’s gone. Do not waste it on people who make you feel the way she did. You can’t help who/what she is. You can help yourself, however. Be your own man, like and respect yourself as an individual, keep your head up, and things will get better for you.
    P.S. Don’t worry about your *first time* not going well. There isn’t one *first time* encounter in a thousand that goes anything like the person thought it would.

  3. lia says:

    We love being pampered a little because it means you enjoy pleasing us for its own sake, like you enjoy making your cat purr (this applies even to non-sexual things, too). We love being stroked and kissed and nibbled and nuzzled and generally treated like we taste like chocolate and feel like new socks. If he’s into the whole seduction/dominance thing, that’s fine, play the game. But the point is that he’s breaking through a shell of inhibition holding back a tide of burning desire, not that he’s wearing your reluctance down to apathy. The absolute worst things a man can hear (or pick up on as a vibe) in bed are “oh ffs, very well”, or worse, “get on with it, then”. Similarly, one of the absolute biggest turnoffs and buzzkills in existence is a woman getting all ashamed of her body during sexytime. It’s horrible; actively unpleasant. It’s sudden miserable almost passive-aggressive hell in a time that’s meant to be exactly the opposite, like dredging up some chronic fight at the start of what was meant to be a special romantic dinner. We’re getting punished for something we didn’t do, we don’t get to fulfill the desire we do have, or we wouldn’t be asking for your body, and you’re so utterly wrapped up in yourself it’s clear desire for us is absolutely nowhere in sight. It’s almost as much fun as a tax audit.

  4. don't judge me says:

    So. I want to get fu*ked in the ass. Really bad. I’m Bi and had never had it done to me, though I have spent hours punishing my rectum with literally anything I could find that was vaguely the right shape. Deodorant can? Check. Rolling pin? Check. Dildo made out of a cast of my own cock? You damn right that’s a big sexy me-on-me check. I’m drunk, it’s late, and I go online looking for men in the local area. I find one! His name is “Grande Americano”, and I think oh good, he likes coffee. I like coffee too, so it only makes sense that I have him violently thrust his penis in and out of me. I drop him a line and he’s keen. I arrive at his flat in a swanky building and he opens the door and I suddenly realise how naive I’ve been, because “Grande Americano” just means fu*king massively fat American. Not only fat American, but fat American in a stretched shiny nylon pair of football shorts. It’s hideous. I hesitate, and two things compelled me to go in despite the fact that I found him as attractive as a partially digested cheese toastie. The first is that I’m English, and it would be almost unbearably impolite to walk away after having seen him. If my sensibilities (and anus) need to be prostituted out to maintain the social contract, well golly darn it I’ll fly that puckered flag for Blighty. The second, somewhat more practical reason is that I just wanted to feel a warm, throbbing, hot cock inside me. Its owner was pretty immaterial. In we go. His flat is playing swanky Jazz, and his bed sheets are satin. Oi vey. He hands me a bottle of poppers and asks in a high, soft, extremely disturbing voice – like the gliding of baby oil off an unconscious toddler’s arse – if I want some. I decline, but then he takes off his shorts and he’s got a cock that might scrape two inches on a good day, with not one but TWO cock rings on. I take that bottle and start huffing away like I’m a deep sea diver and its the last air in the tank. I’m not a big guy myself – slightly under average in both girth and length – but this was upsetting. I’ll spare you the preliminaries, but I lie down and he lubes me up and flings his enormous bulk onto me and I suddenly get an insight into the mating lives of domestically downtrodden whales. I feel nothing. Then, suddenly, WHUMP. My entire body was slammed into the bed and my nose gets shoved into the bottle of poppers that I’d been cradling. It probably helped. As quick as it happened I was free again, and then, two moments later, WHUMP. From downstairs and round the back: nothing, no sensation at all. 5 minutes pass whilst this strange ritual bodyslamming continues, as I’m too high off poppers to think of turning around and politely asking him to explain what the everlasting fu*k was going on. But then I turn my head, and see a wall of mirror-fronted wardrobes I hadn’t seen before. I can see me, lying there, arse optimistically raised off the bed, and my obese transatlantic friend, and suddenly everything makes a lot more sense. His dick is too small for him to get into position and slip into me, so he’s raising himself up, closing one eye to try and line up his knob with its destination, and then just fu*king falling on me and HOPING IT GOES IN, slamming up and down over and over again like a blind kid given a whack a mole hammer and told “hey, kid, go crazy! It’s not about winning, it’s about how many times you can disappoint someone in under 10 minutes”. Every few slams he’d squirt more lube all over me until I had a small reservoir of the stuff inside my rectum, with his cock flailing around like a fat, blind, useless, erratically weaving desert nomad aiming for a stinky oasis. Enough is enough. I spit on my hand, smear it all over the bed under me, claim I came and excuse myself to leave. At the train station – not wearing any underwear – I violently fart and expel lubricant all over the inside of my jeans, which I then sit in on the way back because clearly I make bad decisions and DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED.

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