Ever ruined a potentially explosive romp with a careless comment? Here are 23 things that will make your partner jump out of bed and out the door.
If there is one place you can let loose, it is in the bedroom. There’s nothing sexier than letting out your inner vixen or stag and participating in a little dirty talk. However, don’t think that because you’re comfortable with your partner or are caught up in the moment, you can leave your mouth uncensored. Nuh-uh!
In fact, there are still a whole bunch of things that should never—ever—be said in the bedroom, because it can be off-putting, awkward, insensitive, creepy, or just plain disgusting. Aside from money, politics *or politicians*, and reproductive health problems, we are breaking down the things you should not spout in the bedroom while you are locking lips with your partner, no matter if you are in the highest throes of passion and pleasure. [Read: The right way to talk dirty to a girl without turning her off in bed]
What you should never say while having sex
Here are the 23 cringe-worthy things you or your partner might be tempted to say in bed, but never should!
#1 Don’t worry, I’m taking medication/getting treatment for that. This is a big mood killer. Totally. You’ll only make your partner worry, because they don’t want to be treated for that, either. It’s best to come clean with whatever health issues you have before the clothes come off.
#2 Just wait until my significant other finds out. This means one thing: you’re hooking up to get back at someone, which could mean you’ll be in the middle of real trouble afterwards. Come on, you only want to get laid. The last thing you want is a death threat or a punch in the face.
#3 I can’t wait to have a baby! This is a little too fast. If you have been going out for a couple of dates and you’re not even sure if you are ready to take things to the next level, keep your mouth shut. Don’t take it to the next level—not even for a night.
#4 I bet our baby will have your beautiful eyes! This is another type of creepy future-baby talk no one wants to hear between the sheets, especially if you barely know each other. [Read: 11 worst bedroom mistakes women make in bed]
#5 We should get married! A proposal right before you do the deed? If you barely know the person, this is flat-out weird. If you have been going out and you’re absolutely not ready, this may be a death trap. If you love the person and you think that it’s about time, then go ahead and get hitched… right after you finish humping.
#6 Uh… the condom broke! This usually comes with the Psycho shower scene music in the background. If or when you or your partner says this, whatever memory of the great sex you’ve just had will be totally wiped out. Meanwhile, good luck.
#7 What’s your name again? This just spells G-A-M-E O-V-E-R for your sexy time and your relationship, whatever it is. If your partner doesn’t pay enough attention to you to even know and remember your name, chances aren’t too great that the relationship will work out. If you’re the one who doesn’t remember, use a term of endearment until you figure it out. [Read: 40 worst things to say to a woman before getting it on]
#8 Is it in yet? Your partner, as it turns out, is small. Really small. Now if you’re thinking this, please don’t say it. Men are seriously sensitive when it comes to their penis size, so just hope that he’s good with pleasuring you using other parts of his body.
If you’re a guy, not even knowing the difference between being “in” or “out” of her is sure to get you a swift slap to the face.
#9 Shhh! My <insert family member> might hear us! Picturing a family member waking up and walking in on you right when you’re doing the deed is an instant turn off. Ever thought of going to a hotel, instead?
#10 Is that it? If your partner gets off with just a few pumps, don’t expect round two if you say these words. Just say thanks, even if you’re not satisfied and will never sleep with them again. Now, if it’s your partner who says this, make a snap decision to either make a better impression or resolve never to sleep with someone so inconsiderate again. [Read: 15 biggest sexual turn offs for guys in bed]
#11 Aren’t you done yet? Pressure! So much pressure. The bedroom should be a sacred place, where you can let your body lead you. It is never nice to ask the estimated time of arrival of an orgasm, unless you want your partner to depart from your life for good.
#12 Hold on, let me take this call. If you’re about to come, and you’re screaming you’re about to come, but the phone rings and your partner gets off of you to take the call, you know it’s not meant to be.
#13 Hold on, be quiet; my spouse is calling. Much worse than the earlier bedroom boo-boo is if your partner answers a call, and you find out they’re married. This is too messy for your own good, on so many levels. If you find yourself in this position, get out—fast.
#14 Let me take a selfie. If your foreplay gets interrupted because your partner wants to post something on social media, you’re sleeping with the wrong people. Either your partner turns off their phone and concentrates on you, or they have to spend the night scrolling through newsfeeds instead of scrolling up and down on you. [Read: 40 worst things to say to a man before getting it on in bed]
#15 I’ll do it myself. This is not only a mood killer, it also kills confidence in the bedroom. Although masturbation can be great before sex, it can put you off if your partner decides to masturbate by themselves because they are not satisfied with you. But don’t throw in the towel just yet. Take their cue and do it for them, and maybe you can get the interrupted coitus back on track.
#16 Yes <insert wrong name>, oh yes! If your partner keeps talking about their ex to you and then you hear the ex’s name while you’re doing them, then your partner may not have moved on from their last relationship. If you hear a celebrity’s name and start to feel awkward, know that there’s nothing wrong with it, but tell your partner to keep the names in their head. [Read: 21 things a man should never. ever say to his woman]
#17 Wake me up when you’re done. One of you thinks it’s a sex fest, while the other thinks it’s a snore fest. Whichever one you are, you’re obviously not compatible.
#18 What’s… that?!? If you say this to your partner while pointing to their genitals, chances are they’re huge, unique, distorted, or gross. Or maybe it’s your first time, and you haven’t seen a schlong or a beaver yet. Whatever your reasons are, it’s impolite to say this out loud right when your partner’s private parts are in front of you. Keep your freak-out silent.
#19 You’re my first. Unless your partner already knows you’re a virgin, don’t suddenly dump the pressure on them to make your first time worthwhile! Now, if it’s your partner saying this, make a quick decision about whether or not you want that kind of responsibility looming over your head as you’re humping away. [Read: First time sex and the virgin’s guide to nailing it]
#20 Let me just remove my tampon. This goes without saying: unless you’re both into blood, vampires, or getting off to the mental image of a bloody tampon, this is something that will instantly kill the mood.
#21 My ex used to do it like this… In bed or not, talking about your ex with your new beau is a definite no-no. They’re your ex for a reason. If your partner is the one saying this, well… get out of the shadow of their ex, and find someone you can be in the present moment with.
#22 Is this thing on? If you say this while tapping on a dick like a microphone, then consider the night done. This may have seemed sexy when you imagined it, but, like many things in your head, this isn’t as good as it seems.
#23 Where’s the hole? Search with your eyes or hands, not with your mouth *unless you’re groping in the dark to give them oral*.
Communication and honesty are always good, but it’s best to keep some thoughts to yourself. The next time you open your mouth, make sure you are pleasing your partner with it instead of turning them off.
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Tiffany Grace Reyes
Tiffany is a wordsmith who has played with words ever since her letter-to-the-editor was published nationally at the age of 9. Since then her writing has gone f...