If you suffer through sex only to be left disappointed at the end, here are some of the reasons why you might not be achieving that all-star orgasm.
I’m pretty sure we’ve all been there a time or two, or maybe even more often than that. You know that place where you get so irritated and frustrated because you just CAN’T orgasm? Then you saunter down the path of wondering if there’s something wrong with you.
Well rest assured, there’s most likely nothing wrong with you. There are plenty of people out there who just can’t seem to orgasm, no matter who they’re with or what position they’re in. You’re most certainly not alone!
Why can’t I orgasm?
There could be a multitude of different reasons as to why you’re not enjoying sex nearly as much as you should be, but there could also be one or two quick fixes that’ll get you finishing in no time! You’ll have to go through a trial and error period to discover which reason is holding you back, but once you find out, your path to better sex will be paved in gold.
About 10% of women have never had an orgasm. That number is alarmingly sad. Some women just give up and stop trying because they think their bodies just can’t do it. Well, they can. Here are 12 reasons why you can’t orgasm, and what you can do to fix them.
#1 You think about it too much. Haven’t you ever heard the phrase, “A watched pot never boils”? Well, if not, it’s referring to the fact that if you pay attention to something too much, it won’t happen. There are far too many women who are wrapped up in their own heads, hoping that they’ll have an orgasm. It’s almost guaranteed NOT to happen if you do that. So don’t make orgasming your only focus when you’re having sex. Forget about it for once, and you might find that it’ll be much easier to come by.
#2 You just lie there. It’s not only the man’s job to get you to have an orgasm. He’s not solely responsible for your pleasure. So stop lying there like a dead fish just wishing it will happen. Although you may hear that you have to be relaxed for it to happen, a limp, lifeless body won’t get you there.
You should actually be clenching the muscles in your lower abdomen, butt, and even legs in order to have an orgasm. The tension from all of those muscles clenching and unclenching has a lot to do with helping you reach an orgasm. [Read: How to increase passion in bed and get the sizzle back]
#3 You’re not relaxed in your mind. Now we’re getting to the relaxation aspect you’ve probably heard about a million times before. The problem? You probably haven’t been listening to this advice, but you need to if you want to start having orgasms.
When you’re stressed out in your mind, you’re going to be thinking about a hundred different things, none of which that relate to enjoying yourself in that moment. So what you need to do is shut your mind off to everything except enjoying the sex. It’s harder than it sounds, but it’s extremely effective. [Read: 14 really quick stress busters to recharge your mind]
#4 Your partner isn’t doing the things you like. I know it’s hard to tell the person who’s doing so much work to try to get you off that what they’re doing isn’t working, but you need to speak up. If your significant other just isn’t hitting you in the right spot, you’re not going to finish.
#5 You’re distracted. If the TV is on, your phone’s buzzing away, or even if you’re thinking about all the chores you have to get done, you’re not going to orgasm because you’re just too darn distracted.
In order to reach completion, you can’t be thinking about everything else. You have to be in the moment, thinking about your partner, what they’re doing, and how you feel. So focus on that and you’ll find it much easier to finish.
#6 You need practice. As you get older, it’s easier to orgasm. This is mostly because you are more experienced when you’re older and you know how to get yourself there. In other words, you aren’t having an orgasm because you don’t know how to yet.
You need to practice. Whether it’s having tons of sex with your partner or whipping out the vibrator and going to town on yourself, you have to understand what your body needs in order to finish. Practice, practice, practice! [Read: Going solo: The 15 sexy benefits of masturbation]
#7 You and your partner aren’t in rhythm yet. This is especially true if you’re dating someone new and the two of you are just figuring out what works and what doesn’t. You have to be willing to discuss things with them and get into a rhythm in order to finish.
My advice is to talk about what each of you likes and then put it to work. Couples usually have specific positions and ways that they have sex that are kind of routine, and that can make it easier to finish every time that way. [Read: 10 relationship games for couples to feel more connected]
#8 You need clitoral stimulation. Hello! Women don’t just have one way to orgasm. Lucky us, right? If you aren’t reaching orgasm through penetration alone, then it’s time to start stimulating your clitoris.
The majority of women usually orgasm from clitoral stimulation and not through penetration alone. So if you’re someone who isn’t getting there with penetration, invest in a nice vibrator or tell your partner to get to work. Hell! Just do it yourself, even. [Read: Clitoris stimulation: 10 sexy ways to please the clitoris]
#9 You don’t have enough foreplay. Women take longer to reach completion than men do. That’s just the way it is. Foreplay is a necessary component of sex in order for the woman to reach orgasm.
If you don’t have enough stimulation for long enough, it just won’t happen. If you’re a lucky lady and can finish really quickly, good for you! But if you’re like most women out there, you’ll need foreplay in order to orgasm. [Read: 9 sexiest foreplay tips you can ever use in bed]
#10 You didn’t pee beforehand. The woman’s G-spot is actually surrounded by the Skene’s gland, which is connected to the bladder. So when your G-spot is stimulated, so is your bladder.
Since you obviously don’t want to pee on someone, you clench up and get worried when you feel this sensation. Whoops. There goes any chance of an orgasm. If you feel like this fits the reason you aren’t having an orgasm, try going to the bathroom beforehand. I know it can seem difficult when you’re in the mood, but trust me, this may be your quick fix to having an orgasm.
#11 You don’t stay in one position long enough. It takes a while to build up to an orgasm. So if you’re constantly switching up sex positions, you’re not giving your G-spot the attention it needs in order to finish.
#12 You don’t know what you like yet. Some women just don’t know what they like in order to finish. There’s nothing wrong with that. It just means that no one has come along and done something yet that turned you on a ridiculous amount.
In order to get past this, experiment. You can experiment with your partner or just by yourself. But learning what you like and what’s going to get you off will help drastically in the long run. [Read: Dry humping and the virgin’s guide to orgasms]
Having an orgasm is usually the end goal of any sexual encounter. But if you just aren’t able to get there, try fixing some of the above things and try again. And remember, practice makes perfect!
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Bella is a lifestyle writer, cheese enthusiast (Wisconsin native over here) and fantasy adventure author-in-progress who enjoys all things love, dog, p...