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Soft Swap: How to Ease Your Partner into the Experience

soft swap

Most veterans confess during their first attempt at swinging, the most challenging part is to ease a reluctant partner into doing it with a soft swap.

This is quite understandable as the swinger lifestyle itself can be an acquired taste and may not suit both parties of a relationship. Once you’re in there, it can be a wild and crazy trip where anything can happen. Both good and bad. That is why there is the soft swap.

Others who managed to clear this hurdle tell very saucy stories. With some tips on the side, the most important being that the whole experience is well worth it. Despite the initial apprehensions one or both partners feel during the beginning. And if one partner experiences second thoughts, it is the other’s duty to guide and reassure them along the way.

What is a soft swap?

As described by people in the lifestyle, soft swapping is “swinging with kid gloves.” It is a milder form of swinging compared to a “full swap” where two or more couples exchange partners and have full sexual intercourse with them. Soft swapping involves flirting, kissing, touching, and oral sex at the most, but absolutely no sexual intercourse.

Soft swapping is considered to be the “gateway drug” to serious swinging. First timers often do a soft swap first to measure their comfort level in swinging, and check if they can push their boundaries further. As a result, a soft swap often makes or breaks your swinging lifestyle. [Read: Threesome tips and 20 things you HAVE to know before entering one]

How to ease your partner into a soft swap

#1 Breaking it to them. Asking your partner to swing may be the most difficult part of the process. Anticipate that you may be met with various reactions if you just pop it out of nowhere. So before you break the question, here are some things you need to consider:

– What do you know about swinging? Is your swinging fantasy based on real information, the movies you watch, or something purely from your fantasies? Knowing what really happens in a swinger’s party helps you come to terms with your expectations. And, of course, if you’ll be the one asking, you’ll also have the responsibility of explaining. [Read: How to start swinging with your partner]

– What is your partner’s opinion about swinging or soft swapping? Do they know about it? Have they considered doing it? Have they mentioned it in one of your talks? Knowing what your partner thinks about the lifestyle helps you determine if asking them to participate will be easy or difficult.

– Setting it up. In case they are interested, it falls on to you to set up how you’ll participate in a swinger’s party. This process needs a great deal of research and talking as a couple. Consider your boundaries and the things you want to experience. 

– The right timing. Swingers themselves confess that you get interested in the lifestyle either if you’re a young couple in a long relationship, or old enough that your kids have started their own lives themselves. Interest in swapping is brought about by the need to add some adventure in the relationship. Therefore, it is important to know if your current lifestyle can handle the demands of engaging in this practice. 

#2 Know your apprehensions as a couple. Some partners would be against the idea for a number of personal reasons. It falls on you as the initiator, so set things straight and be honest regarding your expectations and motives to trying this new act. Being honest helps you come to terms with those apprehensions and lets you determine your boundaries in case you’ll try swinging. [Read: A couple’s guide to swapping partners with another couple]

*Some common apprehensions towards swinging and soft swapping:

– Jealousy. A partner may disagree and even be furious that you even proposed or thought of swapping partners. Keep in mind you’re doing the act as a couple and with each other’s consent.

– Sexually-transmitted diseases. This is a valid concern and a real risk due to the nature of the lifestyle. Despite this concern, swingers themselves follow strict health and safety rules because they are aware of the risks themselves. Take precautions or ask for test results to reassure you from this concern.

– Privacy and safety. What if someone takes pictures and spreads them on the internet? This has happened, but rarely. If privacy is your concern, be assured swingers themselves are strict about taking photos and other media during their parties. You can also choose an amateur swinger’s party which may be smaller and more intimate to protect your privacy.

#3 Do some research and gather information regarding soft swapping. Now that you’ve talked and laid out your concerns and apprehensions, it is time you gather real information about soft swapping and the swinger lifestyle. This helps dispel false information that you may have about the lifestyle. Knowing what really happens in a swinger’s party helps you prepare and adjust to your own comfort, in case you’ve decided to actually participate.

*Some things you need to know about swingers:

Swingers follow a set of rules.  Despite popular opinion that swingers are just wild, sex-crazed individuals; they actually are very respectful of each other’s preferences and boundaries. They have a set of rules you have to follow involving sexual contact and common decency that you’d otherwise find lacking in your local dive bar. [Read: The 10 rules of swinging you have to know]

Swingers are very supportive. The lifestyle is not just about sex, but they act as a support group with a lot of love and relationship wisdom to share for your insight. You’ll be surprised that swinger parties involve more socializing than sex.

#4 Setting the time and date. Once you’re satisfied with the information you have and considered both your expectations and apprehensions, time to set the date. Remember, you pick and choose from a variety of swinger parties provided by dating websites online, or you might solicit the advice of a friend who is acquainted with the lifestyle.

#5 Constantly reassure your partner. Even if your partner agrees and has dressed for the event, they might have some jitters that might make them back out. It is up to you to reassure your partner that you are there along with them. They do not need to do anything that they are uncomfortable with. Also remind them that this is just a soft swap. Compliment them and stay sweet during the whole event. [Read: The sexy swinging lifestyle: How to make it work for you]

#6 Remember anyone can back out if things get too much. Always remind yourself and your partner that any one of you can bail out of the act if it proves too much to handle. No one is coerced during a soft swap, and you can switch to having sex with your own partner anyway.

[Read: 20 sexually enlightening movies all about sexuality]

Entering the swinger lifestyle can be a gamble, but if you play your cards right, you might get the most intense and sexiest experience of your relationship. But this is not without respect for each other’s decisions, and sensitivity towards the needs of your partner.

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Paul Timothy Mangay
Paul Timothy Mangay
Paul aka Morty is a keyboard-pounding cubicle-dweller based in Manila where he occasionally moonlights as a writer for anyone in need of his mediocre word-strin...
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