Married sex doesn’t have to be predictable and boring. With a few ideas, you can learn how to spice up married sex and hit the high notes every night.
Jake and Melissa have been married for 15 years and counting. So have John and Addy. The only difference between both couples is that the latter has 3 kids, whereas the former has a cat and a teacup pig. Even so, both couples suffer from the same problem: married sex is monotonous.
Perhaps it’s because they’re so responsible that their lives have settled into a comfortable yet somehow dull routine. This doesn’t mean they’re unhappy – far from it, all four are reportedly happy with their partners.
It’s a common issue. Many couples seek to spice up married sex because they’re bored of doing the same thing every time. In some cases, sex begins to dwindle and become less and less frequent. [Read: 18 secrets to be happy in a marriage that makes or breaks your romance]
Does married sex become boring because we seek novelty?
All four have voiced their concerns about conforming too much to routine. Their lives may be great, they may love their partners, but they’re tired of their sex lives. Don’t blame marriage, because even long-term unmarried couples suffer from this problem. It’s very normal for our carnal instincts to die down, and before you know it, convenience takes its place.
Why does this happen? According to an article posted on Huffington Post, “It’s human nature to crave novelty, as great thinkers as far back as Pliny the Elder have noted.”
“It’s what makes new couples want to rip the buttons off each others’ shirts and engage in lingerie-sparked romps until the wee hours of the morning. But eventually, having access to the same naked body night after night is bound to erode its novelty.” [Read: 22 playful ways to make sex more interesting when it’s boring and lame]
If that’s the case, then there’s no excuse why you need to be in that position. There are plenty of naughty things that you can do to spice up married life and make it seem like you’re a brand new couple again. [Read: How to have the best sex of your life with 15 easy bedroom rules]
The importance of sex in marriage
The bottom line is that, whether you want to believe it or not, sex is important in a marriage. It’s not just the physical relief of an orgasm, but the bonding process that occurs.
Regular sex helps to keep you closer, cementing your relationship, and keeping the two of you firmly focused on one another.
If you allow sex to fall down your list of priorities, resentment and annoyance may start to creep in. In some cases, one partner’s eyes may start to wander because they’re not getting their needs met at home.
It shouldn’t happen, but it does all too often. Regular sex in marriage helps to keep things fresh, exciting, fun, and free from resentment. [Read: Dreams about cheating – what they mean and why you don’t have to panic]
How often should a married couple make love?
There is no right or wrong answer here. However, if you’re making love less than once per week, you may want to move it up your priority list a little more.
Some couples are hot and heavy every night, while others only manage it once or twice. It doesn’t matter as long as you find excitement and fun in the process and it’s happening regularly. [Read: How often do people have sex to maintain a healthy relationship]
Habits that will kill your married sex life
When you’ve been with someone for a long time, it’s very normal for monotony to creep in. However, certain lifestyle habits that will kill your married sex life before you have a chance to realize there’s a problem.
1. Laziness
When you slip into a routine, it’s easy to become lazy. It’s also possible that your lives are so busy, you simply don’t have the energy to get it on during the evening.
2. Complacency
Sex can become boring over time and that can lead to complacency. It’s also a case of taking your partner for granted, or them taking you for granted. As such, you don’t make time for sex and you assume everything is fine. [Read: How often do couples have sex – is your sex life dying a slow death?]
3. Not taking care of your body
While your partner is sure to love you regardless, not taking care of yourself can affect your sex life. Not only can it affect how your partner sees you, but it can affect your self-confidence and libido.
4. Lack of communication
When you’ve been with someone for such a long time, it’s easy for communication to slip. You start to assume that you know how your partner is feeling, but how can you be sure? Over time, your sex life will start to dwindle because you’re simply not talking in the way you should be.
5. Lack of sleep
Life gets busy and you are far too tired to have sex. This is especially the case if you have children. Being tired is bound to affect your desire to want to have sex.
But, it can also cause your partner to become pushed to one side or resentful. [Read: Really quick stress busters to recharge your mind]
6. Thinking and speaking negatively
If you think of your partner in a negative way, it’s going to affect how you see them and how they feel. The same goes for how you speak, in fact even more so.
This can drastically affect your sex life because your desire to want to have sex is strongly correlated to your confidence levels.
7. Co-sleeping with the kids
Do we really need to explain this one? Co-sleeping with your kids will quickly kill any sex life you might have left. [Read: 19 things you must do as a couple before having a baby]
How to bring sexy back into your marriage
No idea where to start? Here are a couple of naughty ideas you can try to spice up your romps. When you try these tips, you’ll quickly realize that married sex can be just as hot as unmarried sex!
1. Forget the sex routine
One way to spice things up is to forget the sex schedule. Rip that thing up and flush it down the toilet, never to be seen again. Most couples fall into a boring routine of doing it at specific times.
As practical as it is to have a sex schedule, there’s no doubt that it’s a horrible way of addressing one of our most basic and primal instincts. Spice it up by doing it whenever you feel like it, not whenever your schedule permits it. [Read: Tips to get the monotony out of your relationship]
2. Enjoy quickies
Indulge in quickies any chance you can get. This way you won’t have to worry so much about sticking to a schedule or making sure you’re not late to work.
Whether you bang your wife in the garage before zooming off to work or springing your husband with a quick session up against the kitchen sink, relish quickies as they are god’s gift to the busy. [Read: 15 sexy ways to have the best quickie every time]
3. Use props
Introduce props into the bedroom the next chance you get. You’ll be surprised at just how handy a pair of furry handcuffs can be. A silk blindfold? What about a feathery whip? Flavored lube, perhaps?
If you’re embarrassed to head to a sex shop, buy whatever you need online. Same-day delivery, anyone? You can also make use of what’s in your kitchen.
Ice, honey, and whipped cream are great sex tools. And if you’re a chocolate lover, bust out that jar of Nutella for a rocking good time. [Read: 50 kinky ideas for a sexy relationship]
4. Watch porn together
Everyone watches porn, so don’t be a prude and turn your nose up at it. Make it a point to watch some porn with your partner. Not only will it be sure to turn both of you on, but you’ll also garner tips and ideas from these saucy videos.
Not just that, you’ll have an idea of just how your partner likes it. Pay attention to the types of videos they select. There are hundreds of keywords and tags when it comes to porn, so pay attention to what your partner likes and try to replicate it the next chance you get. [Read: How do the ladies like their pornography?]
5. Have sex at work
There’s nothing naughtier than getting kinky at one of the dullest places on earth: the office. Ladies, why not surprise your husband during lunch? Pop in with his favorite takeout and barricade yourselves in his office.
Dress normally, but be sure to put on something completely provocative underneath. Nipple pasties, sexy lingerie, crotchless panties, and other naughty pieces of clothing come to mind.
Boys, do the same with your ladies but spice it up by wearing nothing underneath those pants. Just hang loose! [Read: Best places to have sex – 41 wild and naughty ideas beyond the bed]
6. Try new positions
There’s more to sex than missionary and doggie style, so be sure to explore this naughty world of pleasurable delights. Buy the book or scour the internet for Kama Sutra positions.
You’ll be blown away at the myriad positions that’ll have you in the throes of orgasm in no time. [Read: 18 girl on top tips to make sex a lot hotter]
7. Film yourselves
One of the best ways to spice up married life is to film yourselves. Turn on the camera mode on your laptop and film yourselves going at it. Make a whole production out of it and play around with mood lighting, props, and music.
One thing to remember is to be careful about where and how you store this video. Unless you want to be the next big porn duo, be sure to keep this file far away from prying eyes.
8. Dress up
Having great sex is not always about being naked together. There’s something very feisty about dressing up in costumes. Sexy nurse anyone? Want to jump on a thong-clad fireman, ladies?
Dressing up isn’t limited to just costumes. All you women out there, invest in glorious lingerie and take things up a notch by donning a pair of sexy stilettos. Your man won’t be able to take his eyes or hands off you. [Read: How to dress for sex]
9. Indulge in sex talk
Sure, sex may be all about doing the deed, but don’t underestimate the power of dirty talk. You’re wrong if you think it’s just for losers in long-distance relationships. Everyone should indulge in sex talk to keep things filthy in the bedroom.
Moans peppered with, “Give it to me hard,” and “You feel so good, you dirty girl,” will be sure to get your heart racing and adrenaline levels up.
Even when you’re out of the bedroom, casually whispering to your partner things like, “I can’t wait until I’ve got you pinned under me” will definitely get them excited for what’s to come. Play around with the lingo and you will find just how sexy married sex can really be. [Read: The woman’s guide for dirty talking to a guy]
10. Sexting is fun
Technology has overtaken the world and one way of harnessing its power is by sexting. Send your partner a naughty text or email while they’re at work outlining just how horny you are and how you can’t wait to strip them naked when they get home.
Snapchat is also a great app to use, as you can send the dirtiest pictures you can possibly take without worrying about them getting accidentally sent to your family group chat. [Read: 20 sexy text messages to start a sexy conversation]
Being naughty is all about being brave, so don’t chicken out the next time you’re at a nice restaurant with company. At dinner, sit next to your partner and kick things off by playing footsie and holding hands. By the time the second course is served, your fingers should be all up in their privates, nimbly turning them on.
The key is to make sure that you’re dining somewhere with tablecloths because the last thing you want is for anyone to see you.
The fancier the place, the naughtier you are. The naughtier you are, the steamier the sex will be when you’re done dining. [Read: The best dirty, sexy texting games to get naked with one text]
12. Check into a hotel
As much as you love going home to your cozy bed and doing it between your familiar sheets and taking a shower in your familiar bathroom with your familiar coconut shampoo, spice it up by checking into a fancy hotel.
There’s nothing quite like making love in a beautiful space, ordering expensive room service, making an unholy mess of everything *particularly their hand towels* and checking out the next day. [Read: Benefits of going on a sex vacation]
13. Role play
One of the simplest ways that you can spice up your marriage is to role-play. Pick exciting characters and meet somewhere for a rendezvous.
Set the stage for your fantasy and have fun playing it out. From stranger meet-up scenes to doctor-nurse play dates, indulge in whatever tickles your fancy and don’t be shy about it.
14. Have naked time
Don’t be shy to show off your body when you’re with your loved one. There’s nothing more carnal than doing everyday things in the nude. From making tea to reading the papers to flicking through your TiVo selections, spend some time being unabashedly naked with your sweetheart.
Of course, be sure that the kids are out of the house and that you’re not expecting the cleaning lady to let herself in. [Read: How to look better naked by using these 15 simple tips]
15. Be romantic
No matter how long you’ve been together, ensure that your romantic side never dies. Try to aim for date nights at least twice a month. Make reservations someplace nice, dress up, indulge in good food, and splurge on great wine.
Even if your idea of a fun night out encompasses a food truck dinner, never stop trying to impress your sweetheart. So long as you never stop wooing each other, you can rest assured that your marriage will stay spicy and passionate. [Read: How to be more romantic]
16. Play hooky
Playing hooky isn’t just for rebellious teenagers. Pick a date and play hooky with your spouse. Whether you choose to laze around the house or play tourist in the city, enjoy each other’s company without worrying about the routine that your lives have somehow ended up conforming to.
17. Work out together
A couple that works out together stays together. It will do you a whole world of good to always remember that. Staying fit and healthy is one of the best ways to spice up a marriage.
Not only will you last longer in bed, but you also won’t have too many jiggly angles and positions to worry about the next time you two partake in naked day. [Read: 25 tips to motivate you to work out]
18. Go clubbing often
Married sex is boring because it’s easily accessible. So, find a way to get forcefully restricted from having sex whenever you feel like it, especially when you’re horny. And what better way than a sexy party where both of you are lost amid sex and booze on the dance floor?
Grind with each other, touch each other, and play with each other until both of you feel really horny. You can party, you can touch, and you can see, but you can’t do more.
By the end of it all, both of you would be so horny you wouldn’t be able to wait until you get home to undress each other. [Read: How to grind with a guy sexily and discreetly]
19. Go on separate vacations
This isn’t preparation for divorce. This is a process to help understand your own sexuality and realize how much you want your partner. When both of you are together all the time, it’s easy to take things for granted.
By going away on a separate vacation for a few days with your friends, it’ll work in two ways. Your lover will be excited to have you back in their arms. And all the flirty attention you’d get when you’re away without your spouse in your arms will make you feel more sexy and confident about yourself.
20. Fantasize together
All of us have unfulfilled sexual fantasies. And at times, you meet someone or walk past someone who really turns you on sexually.
Share your fantasies and be as descriptive as possible. Your partner will love hearing what you secretly think about, and you’ll be keen to learn their deepest desires too. [Read: Should you make love or have sex in a relationship to keep it exciting?]
21. Explore new spaces
If your kids are away and you have the house to yourself, have sex in places where you couldn’t have sex before. Do it on the couch, the kitchen, or even the bathroom under the shower.
If both of you are lacking the passion to do something like this, start off by watching porn while sitting on the couch. It may just help both of you get started. [Read: How porn saved my marriage]
22. Go on a dedicated sex vacation
Nothing beats a sex vacation to reignite the fire in a flickering sex life. To a newly married couple, all these tips may seem shocking or rather bold. But it takes several years of married life and a depressing sex life to understand just how hard it is to keep the libido on a high for years on end.
Take off for a couple of weeks and head out to a beach destination where you can spend time with each other in isolated spots, indulging in some sexy fun with each other. [Read: How to have sexy fun on the beach with each other]
23. Invite another couple into the bedroom
Why have a fun twosome when you can have a wild foursome? No, really, we don’t mean swapping of any kind here. But your sexual life can get a lot better just by involving another couple into your sexual lives.
Ever wondered why public display of affection or wearing revealing clothes feels so sexy? Well, that’s because you’re being watched.
Recreate that same experience with another couple and your libido will soar through the roof. Get drunk together, and make out in front of the other couple, or indulge in a few kisses or heavy petting. It’ll turn you guys and the other couple on too. Read 30 dirty truth or dare questions for couples to know how to take this thought forward.
24. Think about the way you’re talking to your partner
If you are beginning to sound more like their boss, or worse yet, their mother, that is not something that turns the heat off in a marriage. It is difficult to have sexy feelings for someone who you feel mistreats you with their words, is overly critical, or just downright degrades you.
If you want to turn your mate on, start by changing the way that you speak to them. Sure, sex talk is something that will get their engines revving, but complimenting them on a job well done or speaking to them like you admire them, will give them the confidence to bridge the growing divide that may be happening in your bed. [Read: 16 ways to show your appreciation for someone you love]
25. Leave them small gifts to say “I love you”
When you leave an unexpected gift for your spouse, it tells them that you have been thinking about them and value them. It doesn’t have to be a sexy lingerie item to turn them on. In fact, sometimes if they aren’t feeling the love, giving them a gift of sexual intimacy may feel more like pressure than any real act of gift-giving.
You don’t have to spend a fortune, simply leaving them a note that says “you’re the best” or “where would I be without you?” will trigger that sexual desire that they may have forgotten. [Read: How to show love – 15 sweet ways to express love without words]
26. Use words of validation
If you never feel like you are doing anything right, it is hard to feel good about yourself or to think sexy thoughts.
Validating your spouse by telling them verbally that they are hot, that they are an excellent parent, or even that they make a mean pot roast is sometimes the biggest turn-on that anyone can have.
It isn’t all about saying how much you want them as it is about how much you appreciate them. Words of appreciation and validation for all that they do and all that they are may be just the thing to carry the love back into your bedroom and marriage. [Read: 25 ways to say “I really appreciate you” without using words]
27. Take something off their plate
Okay, maybe not very sexy, but sometimes the lack of intimacy is all about not having enough time or feeling overwhelmed. If you want your mate to feel loved and in the mood, pick up the vacuum or cut the lawn for them.
This can sometimes be a bigger strategy for how to spice up your marriage than anything sexual. It says, “I love you,” and will make your partner want to return the favor. [Read: 25 must-follow relationship rules for happy love]
28. Be selfless
Even if you aren’t really in the mood, pleasure your spouse. Spicing things up in your marriage is sometimes about being selfless and taking the initiative to do something to make them feel good… even if you aren’t in the mood. Blow jobs are like giving flowers and men like to have a surprise sometimes too.
Attraction and sex are both very integral to intimacy in a relationship. If you feel like you have created a divot in the middle of the bed from lack of meeting in the middle, you can learn how to spice up your marriage by making a change in your behaviors with each other.
Sometimes, the spicy things don’t come in gels, lube, and brown paper packages. They are created out of concern, reconnecting, making someone a priority, or taking things off your partner’s already overwhelmed plate. [Read: 16 secrets to a perfectly happy relationship]
29. Talk about it
Maybe your partner is keen to discuss what’s going on but they don’t want to mention it because they’re worried about upsetting you. Talk about the issue and you can both find a way through it.
Avoid using blame-language and instead focus on the issue as a whole, e.g. no blame on one party, it’s about both of you.
30. Schedule sex
It might not sound very sexy but if you’re struggling to make time for sex, schedule it. Once you’ve set a time, don’t cancel it. In the hours leading up to your sexy meeting, start sending naughty texts and begin the foreplay early. [Read: Making time for making love made easy]
31. See a sex therapist or coach
Seeking help doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Plenty of couples head to sex therapy or see a sex coach and it works wonders for their bedroom activities.
How do you know unless you try? Sometimes a third party who is trained in this type of thing can explain what’s going on better than you can explain to yourselves.
Married sex can be seriously hot
It’s so easy to think that married sex is boring and monotonous, but when you know someone that well, surely that’s an opportunity? You know their likes and dislikes, you trust each other, and you’re comfortable. That’s a recipe for trying new things and throwing your inhibitions out of the window.
What are you waiting for?
[Read: Relationship stages – phases couples go through by months and years]
At the end of the day, there are plenty of naughty ideas out there to spice up your marriage. So long as you put the effort into it and successfully convince your spouse to jump on board, there’s no reason why your married sex should become boring.
