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Homemade Dildos for When the Moment Strikes Unexpectedly

homemade dildo

We can’t always predict when or where the mood will strike, so we can’t be prepared all the time. With these dildo substitutes, you‘ll always be ready.

Women’s libidos are ridiculously complex things. They’re not usually consistent, and we can get irrationally horny at the most bizarre and unexpected times. While you may normally have your significant other satisfy you, they won’t always be around.

Dildos have been around for far longer than you would guess. Go ahead, give it a really good guestimate, and I’ll bet you’re wrong *unless you’re a history buff*. Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. Dildos have been around since about 23,000 BC. That’s 13,000 years ago! Man, our ancestors really understood the importance of masturbating.

Benefits of dildos

Why use a dildo, you ask? Well, because they’re amazing little pieces of heaven that can pleasure us in all the ways we desire without forcing us to deal with the monstrosity that’s attached to a real penis.

Dildos are simply awesome tools that us women can use to get ourselves off. We can manipulate them to hit us in just the right spots, giving us total control. Plus, the benefits of masturbating alone are ridiculously incredible. [Read: Going solo: The 15 sexy benefits of masturbating]

What if you don’t have a dildo?

That is where we come in. The very first dildos ever recorded in history were made of stone. Now, that’s probably not nearly as pleasant and easy to make as some of these creative homemade dildo alternatives.

#1 A cucumber. What better to shove up your hoo-ha than a cucumber? It’s smooth, big *if they’re in season*, and perfectly shaped to get the job done. They’re also one of the more sturdy options you can use.

In order to use this, all you have to do is take it out of the fridge, throw a condom over it, and get to work. There’s really nothing involved in preparing the cucumber other than rinsing it off really well.

#2 A banana. Again, this homemade dildo is a quick fix, and you’ll more than likely have this lying around. The trouble with using this one, though, is that it actually gets soft rather quickly… but points for being realistic in that department!

To use this, grab a banana that’s not very ripe yet *it’s firmer this way*, cover it in a condom, and get to work. Don’t forget to wash off the surface of the banana peel first. Another thing to keep in mind with using a banana as a dildo alternative is that the end can be a little sharp, so use with caution. [Read: The vajankle and other downright creepy sex toys]

#3 The end of your hairbrush. This is a tool that isn’t food-related that you can use as a dildo alternative. This is also something that you normally have lying around your house if you’re a lady with longer hair. This one should also be washed and used with a condom, but then you’re good to go!

#4 Electric toothbrush. If you’re looking for something with a little extra kick to it, then an electric toothbrush is what you need. This method has been used by many women and receives high ratings when it comes to getting them off. Again, wash it and put a condom on it before use. You should also be careful with this one, as it can be rather sharp if you’re forceful with it. [Read: 7 reasons why some women hate their vibrators]

Tips for making homemade dildos

There are a lot of things that you can make into a dildo, but you’ve got to use the right techniques. These tips will save you a lot of the trial and error that goes along with improvising a dildo so you can get right to the good stuff.

#1 Put a condom over it. Everything you use as a homemade dildo should have a condom thrown over it. This is not just for sanitary purposes. It can also help with the lubrication so it’ll feel a lot better going in. You’ll also notice that the feel of the condom will be more familiar than the texture of whatever you’re using. [Read: How to use lubricants to liven up your sex life instantly]

#2 Wash whatever you’re using. Germs are EVERYWHERE and they can lead to a lot of infections if you’re shoving a dirty object up your hoo-ha. So, please, wash everything thoroughly before enjoying them so you can continue to do so without an infection.

#3 The more life-like, the better. When trying to find a dildo substitute, the more life-like they are, the better they’re going to work. So when choosing the best product, the one that’s shaped like a man’s ding dong is going to result in the best feeling. However, anything that vibrates also works well. [Read: 10 good reasons why women should watch porn]

Caution: Watch out for these when making dildo substitutes

Not everything about using homemade dildos is fun and exciting. Here are a few things you’ll want to watch out for in order to avoid injury and/or infection.

#1 NOTHING pointy. For crying out loud, do NOT use a carrot. Carrots are sharp, pointy, and can do some serious damage if they wind up hitting your cervix forcefully. So avoid anything pointy that can potentially be uncomfortable or even painful.

#2 NOTHING uncovered. Using something that’s dry or rough can seriously mess up your vag in the worst way. Condoms are a definite YES when it comes to homemade dildos.

#3 Have some common sense. The fact that I have to put this point on here saddens me. However, there are people out there who need to hear it. You have to have some common sense with what you’re putting into your body in a very delicate place.

Don’t simply use whatever seems like a good idea at the time because let’s be honest, pretty much anything could get the job done if you’re horny enough. So use your brain and be careful about what you decide to use. [Read: Magic fingers: The sexual art of using your fingers]

If all of these homemade dildos fail to get you off, think about investing in a portable dildo that you can carry around with you at all times in order to avoid having to make one on the fly.

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Bella Pope
Bella Pope
Bella is a lifestyle writer, cheese enthusiast (Wisconsin native over here) and fantasy adventure author-in-progress who enjoys all things love, dog, p...

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