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BDSM Tips and Tricks for Curious First Timers

bdsm for beginners

Are you and your significant other feeling the need to spice up your sex life? Then how about introducing a little bit of BDSM into the bedroom?

We all need to rethink the way we conduct our personal relationships with loved ones from time to time. This is especially the case the longer the relationship has been in existence. Unfortunately, complacency can creep into even the most loving of situations and can turn amour into resentment far more easily than may be believed.

There are many things you can do to help prevent such complacency from occurring in the first place: keeping the romance alive through all means necessary. But the physical side of the relationship is just as important and just as worthy of nurturing.

Getting physical to keep the romance alive

Sex is an unequivocally vital part of any loving relationship. Even though there are those who claim their love for each other transcends such physical matters, let’s see how they’re doing ten years down the line. The fact is that sex plays a vital part in cementing the relationship, dissolving the interpersonal tensions of everyday life, and generally bringing a couple closer together.

However, even the best sex can start to seem a little perfunctory if an effort isn’t made to spice it up from time to time, and this can in turn make all other aspects of the relationship deteriorate.

50 shades of play

Let’s start straight away by saying that BDSM isn’t necessarily everyone’s cup of tea when it comes to sexual adventuring. It takes a great deal of imagination, trust and at least a little bit of a secret penchant for something outside the usual to make it work. If even just one of the couple lacks any of these traits, then you’re likely to end up feeling silly and/or uncomfortable.

Of course, before you’re able to assess the suitability of the BDSM scene, you first need to know what it is exactly, as not everyone does. The following section then describes the meaning behind these four letters.

A is for apple…

B is for bondage. Bondage describes the action of restraining your partner or being restrained. Some people get a great sexual thrill from the feeling of not being able to resist having sex imposed upon them. The level to which this can be done depends very much upon the individual in question and how genuine they want that feeling to be.

This can range from loosely having your hands tied together with something innocuous like a silk scarf or a stocking, right up to a full chains, handcuffs and padlocks affair. [Read: 20 hot sex ideas to blow your lover’s mind]

D is for domination. This describes a very specific kind of role play where one partner plays the part of the dominator, and the other, the dominated. There are very clear divides between the two, with the dominator entirely dictating the course of sexual play – instructing, directing and generally controlling the other participant and the part they have in their sexual games.

SM is for sado-masochism. SM, in a nutshell, describes the use of pain in sexual play, the sado part specifically referring to the act of deriving pleasure from inflicting pain, and the masochism part from receiving it. Like bondage, SM is described by a rather large spectrum of interests and can vary hugely in the extent to which it is applied.

It might refer to something as relatively harmless as light biting, gentle spanking, and the odd twist of a nipple, before progressing on to acts such as slapping, scratching and flogging. At the more extreme end of this spectrum, the participants progress beyond skin on skin action for their pleasure, and adopt the use of mechanisms that are more suited to a medieval torture chamber!

The next steps for trying out BDSM

As we’ve already asserted, BDSM isn’t going to be everyone’s cup of tea. It’s one of the more extreme areas of sexual interest depending, of course, upon how far you wish to take it. BDSM takes a certain amount of open mindedness if it is a course you wish to take, and it takes a whole lot of discussion beforehand, as well.

The following list of five pointers gives you an idea of the kinds of things you should be thinking about together before taking it any further.

#1 Mutual interests. The first thing to bear in mind when considering BDSM as a sexual option in your relationship with a significant other is whether they are into the idea quite as much as you are. A firm no is a firm no, and if this is what you have received in reply to your suggestion, then it ends right there. No point in trying to force the issue.

But also be aware that they may be getting involved for your benefit alone, that they’re not particularly into the idea, but are doing it to keep you happy. If so, then look out for the signs and bring things to a halt if you believe that the enjoyment is one-sided.

The last thing you want out of this or any sexual exploration is a long-term result of fostering a feeling of resentment. After all, you’re supposed to be doing this to prolong the relationship! [Read: 10 tips to help you open up about your kinky side]

#2 Degrees of interest. You may both be into the idea of BDSM, but you also have to agree between each other to what degree you want to be involved. For example, do you just want it to be a very occasional thing, or would you rather have the greater part of your sex life revolve around it?

Also, you have to agree on what roles you wish to play, which aspects of BDSM you want to indulge in – if not all – and how extreme you want to play it. Things aren’t likely to end well if one of you is lying there expecting a bit of gentle domination play, while the other turns up with a bag full of chains and winches better suited to keeping an ocean liner in place than you to the bed! [Read: 15 dirty ways to have the best rough sex]

#3 Tools of the trade. Following on from point two, you both need to agree which BDSM toys and tools you’re going to bring into the bedroom. Some of them are quite extreme indeed, and you both need to feel comfortable with having them on display and/or in general use.

#4 Play it safe. A hugely important part of BDSM is in having a safety word. This is a word that is said by one of the couple, usually the passive role player, that the other knows to act upon by immediately stopping whatever it is they are doing.

“No” and “stop” aren’t much use in this context, as the whole point with certain aspects of BDSM is to feel like you are having someone force themselves upon you, and these words become part of the play. Try something irrelevant and silly, like rainbow-monkey or turkey-glue! [Read: The right way to get risqué in the bedroom]

#5 The community. There is a hugely active BDSM community out there that you can take as much from as you wish. Some couples even meet up on a swinging basis, but most prefer to join internet forums and chat about their interests with other like-minded folk. Either way, take advantage of the available knowledge on the subject to get some ideas on further ways you can spice things up.

[Read: From the Red Room to the real world – how to add BDSM to your boudoir]

These pointers provide a sensible basis from which to begin your own exploration of the BDSM scene. Give it a go, get involved, and who knows, you might just like it!

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Philip Hegarty
Philip Hegarty
Currently reclining with a peaceful and contented smile upon his face, with perhaps just a hint of mystery and steely resolve, Philip Hegarty has an obviously i...
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