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Control Freak: 51 Signs & Ways You Can Let Go of Wanting to Be In Charge

There’s a control freak within us all. But is that controlling side of you taking over your life? Use these 20 signs of a control freak to know more.

control freak

There’s just one perfect line that completely defines a control freak.

“If you want to do it right, do it yourself!”

Do you live by that line? Are you convinced that the only way to achieve happiness or do a good job is by doing it yourself? This could say two things about you.

One, you’re surrounded by incompetent idiots.

Or two, you’re a control freak.

Now the control freak exists within us all, and shows up now and then. But that doesn’t mean being called a control freak is something to feel flattered about! The controlling side in you could affect all aspects of your life, be it your love life, your workspace, your friends and just about every other relationship.

And almost always, it’ll hurt you more than any good it does to you. [Read: 20 signs you’re a people pleaser and don’t even know it!]

Who is a Control Freak?

Let’s start with the basics: a control freak is someone who has an overwhelming need to manage and control situations, people, or outcomes—often to the point where it affects their own well-being or their relationships with others.

They thrive on structure, predictability, and feeling like they’re in charge of everything. While it’s good to be organized and responsible, being a control freak takes this to an extreme level.

From a psychological perspective, controlling behavior is often linked to underlying anxieties or fears. For example, research has shown that people who struggle with perfectionism, fear of failure, or a desire for security are more likely to exhibit controlling tendencies. [Read: Dating a perfectionist: 12 things you must know before you date one]

In fact, a study published in the Journal of Anxiety Disorders highlights that intolerance of uncertainty—a fear of the unknown—is a major driver of controlling tendencies.

Specifically, individuals with high levels of dispositional anxiety often try to control situations as a way to manage their discomfort with unpredictability *Carleton, Norton, & Asmundson, 2007.*

This means that their need for control isn’t just about being bossy or difficult—it’s often rooted in deeper emotional struggles.

Control freaks are usually highly motivated, detail-oriented, and often perfectionists. These traits can make them incredibly effective in certain situations, like at work or in leadership roles.

But when this desire for control spills over into their personal lives—such as micromanaging a partner, over-planning every social outing, or constantly correcting others—it can create tension and frustration for everyone involved. [Read: Questions to reveal a controlling personality instantly]

It’s worth noting that not all control freaks are the same. Some are very outwardly controlling, openly trying to dictate how others act.

Others may quietly struggle with internal stress, obsessing over every little detail behind the scenes. Both types share the same core issue: an inability to let go and trust that things will be okay, even if they aren’t in charge of everything.

What Makes Someone a Control Freak?

If you’re wondering why a control freak does the things they do, there are a couple of reasons that can help explain their behavior.

People don’t just wake up one day and decide to control everything around them—it’s usually tied to deeper emotional or psychological factors. Let’s break down some of the most common causes of controlling tendencies.

1. Fear of Failure

One of the main reasons someone becomes a control freak is a deep-rooted fear of failure. They feel that if they don’t take charge of every detail, something will inevitably go wrong—and they don’t want to face the consequences. [Read: Fear of failure and why you shouldn’t be afraid to fail]

This fear pushes them to micromanage situations or people in an attempt to avoid mistakes or unfavorable outcomes. The constant pressure to “get it right” can make it hard for them to step back, even in situations where things are clearly under control.

2. Perfectionism and High Expectations

Control freaks are often perfectionists who set incredibly high standards for themselves and others. They believe that their way is the best *or only* way to achieve a desired outcome, so they take it upon themselves to oversee everything.

Unfortunately, their high expectations can create stress for both them and the people around them. Psychologically, perfectionism is linked to feelings of inadequacy and the fear of being judged, which can drive someone to overcompensate by trying to control everything.

3. Past Trauma or Chaotic Environments

A history of trauma or growing up in an unpredictable environment can also make someone develop controlling tendencies. For instance, a person who experienced chaos in their family life may try to create order and predictability in their adult life as a way to feel safe.

In psychological terms, this is a coping mechanism—it’s their way of protecting themselves from the discomfort of uncertainty. While it may seem like they’re trying to control others, what they’re really trying to control is their own emotional response to unpredictability. [Read: Trauma bonding in relationships: 35 signs & secrets to unmask & escape]

4. Low Self-Esteem Disguised as Overconfidence

Interestingly, control freaks may appear confident and assertive, but underneath, they may struggle with low self-esteem. Controlling others or situations can give them a sense of importance or validation, which temporarily masks their insecurity.

This behavior may stem from a need to prove their worth by ensuring that things are done “right.” It’s their way of seeking approval, even if they don’t consciously realize it.

5. Need for Predictability and Safety

Some people become control freaks simply because they feel uncomfortable with uncertainty. Predictability gives them a sense of security, so they go to great lengths to manage every possible variable in their environment.

This could mean planning every second of their day, micromanaging others, or obsessing over small details. The need for control often comes from an internal desire to feel safe and stable, especially in situations where they feel vulnerable.

6. Nature vs. Nurture

The age-old question of nature versus nurture also applies here. Some studies suggest that certain personality traits, like being detail-oriented or goal-driven, may have a genetic component that makes someone more likely to exhibit controlling behaviors.

On the other hand, upbringing and environment play a significant role. For example, if someone was raised in a household where mistakes were harshly criticized, they may develop controlling habits to avoid similar experiences in adulthood. [Read: Narcissist parents: What makes one, 55 signs, effects & how to cope with them]

7. Type A Personalities or Anxiety Disorders

Control freak tendencies are also common in people with Type A personalities or anxiety disorders. Type A individuals are known for their ambition, competitiveness, and impatience, all of which can contribute to their desire for control.

Similarly, anxiety disorders can make people hyper-aware of potential risks, leading them to overcompensate by trying to control every outcome. According to research, this behavior is often a way to reduce the uncertainty that triggers their anxiety.

20 Signs You Have a Control Freak in You!

It sucks to be a control freak, because it always leaves you frustrated and annoyed, and it annoys and stifles everyone around you too. But it’s easy to change once you see the signs and correct yourself. [Read: Am I in an abusive relationship? 66 early signs, effects & ways to get out]

Here are glaring signs of a control freak that could help you recognize the control freak in you. Being a control freak isn’t all bad, but when it affects your life and the people you love, you know you’ve crossed the line into the dark side, don’t you? Use these signs to find out if you’ve crossed over already.

1. You sincerely believe that others around you are incapable of doing something on their own, and need your constant intervention and guidance just to do something right.

2. You believe you know what’s best for your lover, your family or even your workplace.

3. You’re convinced that everything can be completed to perfection only with your involvement.

4. You have to see it to believe it. You don’t trust the judgment of others, even if it’s someone you trust. [Read: 20 relationship problems that push a couple apart or bring them closer]

5. You’re a bad listener who doesn’t like hearing the other side of the story, and you never try to understand another person’s point of view because you think you’re right anyway.

6. You always assume a task or a chore will lead to failure without your involvement or advice.

7. You’re a workaholic, and love it. It helps you realize just how dependable you are, and just how much others need you.

8. You get frustrated when someone doesn’t get you, or doesn’t understand that you’re only trying to help them *even if they aren’t asking for your help*.

9. You can’t take criticism, and you only pretend like you can.

10. You want to be a perfectionist in everything you do, and secretly feel threatened by anyone who may be better than you in your expertise. [Read: 46 secrets to stop being jealous for no reason & learn to live envy-free]

11. There’s no pleasing you, and you always find a reason to complain. If the work is done by someone else, you think it’s shoddy. If it isn’t completed yet, you get angry because it hasn’t been done.

12. You set unreasonably high standards for yourself, which can leave you disappointed and frustrated.

13. You expect high standards from everyone around you, even if they’re not capable of achieving the high standards you set.

14. You don’t like it when someone keeps secrets, especially your loved ones. You go out of your way to hear the truth, even if it means doing something unethical and wrong. [Read: Attention whore: What it is, 23 signs & secrets to handle an attention seeker]

15. You like making decisions for others, because you believe they can’t make the right decision without your help.

16. You feel hurt and angry if someone declines to accept your help.

17. You can’t wait to pick flaws if someone doesn’t involve you with the decision making. It helps you realize your own worth, and makes others realize how important you really are in their lives or plans.

18. Control freaks hate delegating, and would rather stay up all night working instead of sharing the burden with someone.

19. You’re easily angered if your partner or a close friend takes a decision without hearing your suggestion first.

20. You don’t trust people and you always doubt their capability and sincerity. [Read: How your self-respect in a relationship affects you & your love life]

The Not-So-Hidden Costs of Being a Control Freak

Being a control freak is not without its costs. Whether you’re the one trying to control everything or someone in your life is, the impact of this behavior can ripple into many areas.

While the intention may be to make things “better” or “just right,” the reality is that control freak tendencies often create more problems than they solve. Here are some of the most common downsides to being a control freak.

1. Strained Relationships

One of the biggest costs of being a control freak is the strain it puts on relationships. Constantly trying to manage how others act or think can come across as dismissive or disrespectful, even if the intention is good.

For example, friends and family might feel frustrated or untrusted when their input is disregarded, while coworkers may feel micromanaged. Over time, this can lead to resentment, distance, and breakdowns in communication. [Read: 42 secrets to communicate better in a relationship & ways to fix a lack of it]

Relationships thrive on mutual trust and collaboration, but a control freak’s behavior can make others feel stifled or undervalued, creating tension and conflict.

2. Increased Stress and Burnout

Being a control freak takes an enormous mental and emotional toll. The need to oversee every detail, double-check others’ work or constantly anticipate potential problems is exhausting. This kind of hypervigilance often leads to chronic stress and, eventually, burnout.

The constant need for control activates the body’s stress response, keeping cortisol levels high and making it harder to relax or recharge.

Over time, this not only impacts mental health but can also lead to physical symptoms like fatigue, headaches, and difficulty sleeping. Simply put, trying to control everything can wear a person down in ways they might not even realize.

3. Limited Personal Growth Due to Rigidity

Control freaks often struggle to adapt to new situations or learn from failure because they’re so focused on doing things their way. This rigidity can limit personal growth and development.

For instance, when someone avoids delegating tasks or trying new methods, they miss opportunities to learn from others or improve their own skills. Over time, this mindset can create a fear of change or taking risks, which are essential for growth.

Psychologists refer to this as a “fixed mindset,” where people resist change because they believe their way is the only way to succeed. By clinging to control, they inadvertently block their own potential. [Read: Small ways to deal with big changes in your life]

4. Diminished Team Morale or Creativity in Group Settings

In group settings, control freak tendencies can stifle creativity and lower morale. When someone is overly controlling, they may unintentionally send the message that other people’s ideas or contributions aren’t valued.

This can make team members feel discouraged, disengaged, or even resentful. Studies on workplace dynamics show that teams thrive when there’s trust, collaboration, and a shared sense of ownership.

However, a control freak’s need to micromanage can disrupt this balance, making it harder for teams to innovate or work efficiently. This doesn’t just affect the group—it can also isolate the control freak, leaving them to shoulder more responsibility than necessary.

How to Let Go of Always Wanting to Be in Control

If the idea of letting someone *or something* else take the reins terrifies you, and the descriptions above sound all too familiar, don’t worry—you’re not alone.

Letting go of being a control freak isn’t easy, but it’s not impossible. With a bit of practice and self-awareness, you can learn to loosen your grip and create healthier habits. Here are some practical tips to help you on your journey to letting go.

1. Learn to Trust Others and Delegate Tasks

One of the hardest things for a control freak is trusting others to handle things “correctly.” However, learning to delegate and share responsibilities is essential for reducing stress and building stronger relationships. [Read: Pistanthrophobia: Why you fear trusting people, signs & ways to overcome it]

Start small by assigning a task to someone you trust, and resist the urge to micromanage or “check-in” constantly. Over time, you’ll likely find that people are more capable than you think, and letting go can actually feel freeing.

Trust-building is an important way to combat the anxiety that drives controlling behaviors. It allows you to let go of the belief that everything rests solely on your shoulders.

2. Practice Mindfulness and Living in the Moment

Mindfulness is a powerful tool for control freaks because it helps shift your focus from worrying about the future to appreciating the present. By practicing mindfulness techniques—like deep breathing, meditation, or simply paying attention to your surroundings—you can reduce the need to obsess over every possible outcome. [Read: Finding peace: How to calm your mind & make peace a state of mind]

Start by setting aside just five minutes a day to practice being present, whether it’s during a walk, while eating, or even in the middle of a stressful situation.

3. Embrace Imperfection and Letting Go of Perfectionism

Perfectionism is often at the root of control freak tendencies, so working to embrace imperfection is key. Remind yourself that mistakes are a natural part of life and often lead to growth and improvement.

One way to practice this is to intentionally leave small things imperfect—like letting someone else organize a task their way or resisting the urge to fix a minor mistake. Over time, you’ll realize that the world doesn’t fall apart when things aren’t perfect.

4. Set Boundaries with Yourself to Reduce Over-Involvement

Control freaks often blur the lines between healthy involvement and overstepping. To counter this, it’s important to set boundaries with yourself. For instance, decide ahead of time how much involvement you’ll have in a project or situation, and stick to it.

Remind yourself that it’s okay—and often better—to let others take the lead. Setting limits for how much you intervene helps you resist the urge to micromanage and gives others the space to learn, grow, and contribute. This practice not only reduces your stress but also fosters healthier relationships. [Read: 31 irresistibly likable secrets to make people like you & BIG mistakes to avoid]

5. Challenge Your Assumptions About “The Worst-Case Scenario”

Control freaks often imagine the worst-case scenario as a way to justify their need to control every little detail. However, these fears are often exaggerated or unrealistic. Challenge these assumptions by asking yourself, “What’s the worst that could actually happen?” and “How likely is that outcome, really?”

In most cases, you’ll find that the worst-case scenario is either minor or entirely manageable. Cognitive-behavioral therapy *CBT* techniques often focus on reframing catastrophic thinking like this, helping you develop a more balanced view of risks and outcomes.

6. Accept That Control Is an Illusion

Here’s a hard truth: no one can control everything. Life is inherently unpredictable, and the sooner you accept this, the more peace you’ll find. While it’s fine to plan and prepare, obsessing over control is ultimately futile.

Accepting the uncertainty of life doesn’t mean you stop caring—it means you focus on what’s within your control, like your reactions and mindset, rather than external outcomes. Many people find comfort in this shift, as it relieves the pressure of feeling responsible for everything. [Read: 22 no-nonsense tips to get your life back on track after a big change]

7. Understand the Value of Flexibility

Flexibility is the opposite of rigid control, and learning to embrace it can help you feel more at ease. Flexibility doesn’t mean abandoning your goals or standards—it simply means being open to different approaches and outcomes.

For example, when something doesn’t go as planned, try to view it as an opportunity to learn or adapt rather than a failure. Research has shown that flexible people are better at handling stress and more resilient in the face of challenges. Start small by allowing for a little spontaneity in your routine or letting someone else take the lead on a task.

8. Reframe Control as Influence

For control freaks, the idea of completely “letting go” can feel overwhelming, so it helps to reframe the idea of control. Instead of thinking about controlling outcomes, focus on what you can influence.

Influence is about guiding or contributing to a situation without micromanaging it. This approach allows you to feel involved and impactful without taking on the full weight of responsibility. It’s a healthier mindset that encourages collaboration and trust while still giving you a sense of contribution. [Read: Workplace harassment: 35 things you need to know to stand for yourself]

9. Practice Tolerating Small Uncertainties

For someone who thrives on control, even small uncertainties can feel uncomfortable. A great way to build tolerance is to intentionally expose yourself to situations where you’re not in control. For instance, let someone else pick the restaurant for dinner, or avoid checking your email for an afternoon.

These small steps help you build resilience to unpredictability. Over time, you’ll learn that things often work out just fine—even without your intervention. In psychology, this is called “exposure therapy,” and it’s a proven method for reducing anxiety around specific triggers, like uncertainty.

10. Seek Professional Support or Coaching

If being a control freak is something you truly struggle to manage on your own, working with a therapist or coach can help. Therapists who specialize in anxiety or perfectionism can offer tailored strategies for addressing the underlying causes of controlling behaviors.

Coaching, on the other hand, can focus on specific areas, like leadership or relationship dynamics, where control issues are creating challenges. Having a professional guide you through the process of letting go can make it easier and less overwhelming.

How to Deal with a Control Freak in Your Life

Next question: how should you deal with someone who just can’t seem to let go of the wheel? Whether it’s a partner, family member, coworker, or friend, having a control freak in your life can be frustrating and draining. [Read: Workplace harassment: 35 things you need to know to stand for yourself]

The key is to approach the situation with balance—firmness when necessary but also understanding and compassion. Here are some strategies for managing your relationship with a control freak.

1. Set Boundaries and Communicate Assertively

Control freaks often overstep because they feel the need to take charge of everything. To counter this, it’s important to set clear boundaries and stick to them.

For example, if they’re trying to dictate how you do something, calmly let them know that you’ll handle it your way. Use “I” statements, such as, “I appreciate your input, but I need to do this on my own.”

Assertive communication—clear and respectful—helps reinforce your boundaries without escalating conflict. Psychologists emphasize that boundaries are not about punishing the other person but about protecting your own emotional space.

2. Avoid Engaging in Power Struggles

Getting into arguments or trying to “win” against a control freak is usually counterproductive. Their behavior is often driven by anxiety or fear, so engaging in a power struggle only reinforces their need to double down on controlling the situation. [Read: Power trip: Is the psychology of blocking someone about our ego?]

Instead, focus on diffusing the tension by calmly standing your ground without becoming confrontational. For example, if they insist on their way being the “right” way, you can say, “I hear what you’re saying, but I have a different approach, and I’d like to try it.” By avoiding unnecessary battles, you protect your own energy and avoid escalating the situation.

3. Show Empathy and Try to Understand Their Perspective

While dealing with a control freak can be challenging, it helps to remember that their behavior often comes from a place of fear, insecurity, or a need for stability. Try to approach them with empathy and curiosity instead of frustration. You might say something like, “I notice you get really stressed when things aren’t done a certain way. Is there something specific that’s worrying you?”

This can open the door to a more honest conversation and help you understand their underlying concerns.

4. Choose Your Battles

Not every situation with a control freak needs to turn into a conflict. Sometimes, it’s worth letting go of minor disagreements to maintain peace and focus on bigger issues. Ask yourself, “Does this really matter in the long run?” If the answer is no, consider letting them have their way in that moment.

It doesn’t mean you’re giving up your autonomy—it simply means you’re being strategic about when and where to push back. Save your energy for situations where their behavior crosses a boundary or directly impacts your well-being. [Read: 25 ways to let go of resentment, stop feeling bitter & start living]

5. Model Healthy Behavior

Control freaks may not realize how their behavior affects others or what healthier alternatives look like. You can help by modeling more balanced ways of handling situations. For instance, show them how you trust others by delegating tasks or how you manage uncertainty with a flexible mindset.

Over time, they may notice that things don’t fall apart when they loosen their grip, and they might even start mirroring your behavior. While you can’t force someone to change, demonstrating healthier habits can sometimes inspire them to reflect on their own actions.

6. Create Emotional Distance When Necessary

If the control freak in your life is causing significant stress or conflict, it’s okay to create some emotional distance. This might mean limiting the amount of time you spend with them or avoiding situations where their controlling tendencies are likely to surface. [Read: How to distance yourself from a friend without a lot of drama]

Protecting your mental health is crucial, and sometimes that requires stepping back from relationships that feel overwhelming. If the control freak is a close family member or partner, consider seeking support from a therapist to navigate the situation in a constructive way.

The Benefits of Letting Go

Terrifying, but why should you let go, you might be asking? If being a control freak feels like it’s part of who you are, loosening your grip can feel like a very odd and unacceptable idea.

However, the rewards of letting go often far outweigh the discomfort of change. From better mental health to stronger relationships, there are so many reasons why releasing the need to control everything is worth it. Here are some of the key benefits of letting go.

1. Improved Mental Health and Reduced Stress

Constantly trying to control everything is exhausting, both mentally and physically. Letting go allows you to release the pressure of having to manage every outcome, which can significantly reduce your stress levels.

Research shows that chronic stress, often linked to controlling behaviors, increases the risk of anxiety, depression, and even physical issues like high blood pressure. [Read: Signs of anxiety: How to read the signs ASAP & handle them better]

By learning to let go, you free yourself from unnecessary worry and mental strain. It’s like giving your brain permission to take a break, helping you feel calmer and more at peace with life’s unpredictability.

2. Strengthened Relationships Through Trust

Letting go of control strengthens relationships by fostering trust and mutual respect. When you stop micromanaging or trying to dictate how others do things, it shows them that you trust their abilities and value their contributions.

This shift can create deeper connections and more positive interactions, whether with your partner, friends, family, or coworkers. By letting go, you open the door to more balanced and harmonious relationships.

3. Increased Creativity and Spontaneity

When you stop obsessing over details and outcomes, you create space for creativity and spontaneity to thrive. Letting go of control allows you to explore new ideas, experiment with different approaches, and enjoy unplanned moments. [Read: Ways to become more spontaneous in life]

Creativity often flourishes in environments where there’s room for flexibility and exploration. For control freaks, this can be a liberating experience that not only enhances personal growth but also leads to unexpected joys.

Whether it’s brainstorming at work or enjoying a spontaneous weekend, letting go allows life to surprise you in the best ways.

4. Growth Through Learning From Others’ Ideas and Input

When you let go of the need to control every situation, you become more open to learning from others. This can lead to tremendous personal growth because you’re no longer limiting yourself to your own perspective or approach.

For example, allowing coworkers, friends, or family members to take the lead on certain tasks can expose you to new methods, insights, and ideas.

Get Rid of the Control Freak in You

Now that you see the real signs of a control freak, do you have it in you? All of us like being in control of our lives, and that’s acceptable. But if you ever find yourself trying to control your environment or another person’s life just to feel better about your own life, well, that’s just wrong.

When you find yourself overstepping the thin line separating suggestion and control, you need to learn to step back. After all, when you start to push someone against a wall, it’s only a matter of time before they start pushing you back. Or worse, they may even hurt you and walk away or start using you by manipulating the control freak in you! [Read: Selfish people: 20 ways to spot and stop them from hurting you]

Remember, no one, not your lover, your friends or your colleagues, can ever rise to the occasion if you don’t want to give them a chance *or if you secretly hope they’ll fail!*

[Read: 36 life lessons to instantly transform your life & draw in happiness]

Use these 20 signs of a control freak and fix your controlling attitude. You can’t control someone else however hard you try. And once they believe they don’t need you anymore, everyone you try to control will only walk away from you, or walk all over you!

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Alison-Ricard
Alison Ricard
Alison Ricard loves sunshine, good books and contagious laughter. And when she isn’t writing, you’ll find her sitting in a café, people watching and commun...
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