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33 Creative Insults to Intellectually Insult Someone with Sarcasm

Creative Insults

Despite being taught early to not say mean words to others, most cultures have a great wealth of creative insults meant to make the next fellow feel bad.

If you think creative insults are a relatively modern invention, try visiting an ancient Roman ruin. You’ll be surprised at what some of the graffiti there has to say about Lucius’ poor mother.

Insults go way back. Most of these usually involve rude comments toward certain female relatives and anatomical parts of the insulted. As you see, little has changed with insults from back then like our “Yo’ Momma” quips which are getting a little too old. To stay ahead of the conflict-escalating banter, fire wittier and more creative comebacks sure to bring on the hurt. Good thing the English language provides.

Warning: the words and phrases listed below are not meant to be used in polite conversation.

On using creative insults for insulting intelligence

Because dropping “stupid” or “idiot” is way too bland, here are some longer derivations of that word to call someone with perceived inferior mental capacity.

#1 “You severely lack brain matter that you’ll float on water.” Not only that it rhymes, it also means you’ve got an empty space somewhere between the ears enough to gain buoyancy.

#2 “I’d insult you, but then I’ll have to explain it afterwards so never mind.” A meta-insult implying the insultee’s incapacity to understand insults.

#3 “I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain it to you.”  This can be used in place of “We don’t accept resumes written in crayon.”

#4 “In what way are your parents related to each other?”

#5 “You know nothing. In fact, you know less than nothing because if you knew that you knew nothing that would be something.”

#6 “I expected an intellectual conversation but it seems there’s no one around to have that with.”

[Read: 12 types of humor and how it affects the people around you]

On insulting another person’s appearance

Probably the oldest inspiration for insults is to poke fun at the other person’s unfortunate physical appearance.

#7 “Don’t ever wear a burlap sack on your head, people won’t be able to tell where the sack started and where your face ended.”

#8 “You won’t be able to get a dime prostitute on half-price day”

#9 “Nice face. I bet you’ll look good on radio”

#10 “What do you use as a contraceptive? Your face?”

#11 “When God rained beauty all over his creations, you probably were holding an umbrella.”

#12 “Did you use a mud puddle for a mirror this morning?”

[Read: Smartass quotes: 48 smart and sarcastic lines that kick ass]

For just plain hatred

Meant for people whose existence gives you the urge to commit homicide; or at least get really creatively foul-mouthed.

#13 “You are the poster child for the importance of keeping abortion legal.”

#14 “Your birth certificate is a letter of apology from a condom manufacturer.”

#15 “I’d call you a cunt, but you lack warmth and depth.”

#16 “The best part of you ran down your mother’s leg”

#17 “There are a million words in the English language and there’s no such way to combine them to describe how much I want to beat you with a chair.”

#18 “Your asshole must be so jealous of your mouth from all the shit it’s been spewing.”

[Read: 13 grownup ways to deal with mean people]

Creative insults from movies and TV shows

If you can’t make up your own, it won’t hurt to borrow from fiction. British comedy in fact has a wealth of eloquent yet politically-incorrect quips that you could use if the situation requires it.

#19 “You’re an inanimate, f*cking object!” – In Bruges (2008)

#20 “You’re just the afterbirth, Eli, slithered out on your mother’s filth. They should have put you in a glass jar on a mantelpiece.” – There Will Be Blood (2007)

#21 “Even if I were blind, desperate, starved and begging for it on a desert island, you’d be the last thing I’d ever f*ck.” – Scarface (1983)

#22 “You’re somewhere between a cockroach and that white stuff that accumulates at the corner of your mouth when you’re really thirsty. But, in your case, I’ll make an exception.” – Con-Air (1997)

#23 “You know what, Mom, you know what I’m going to get you next Christmas? A big wooden cross, so every time you feel unappreciated for all your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it.” – The Ref (1994)

#24 “You’re a cunt. You’re a cunt now, you’ve always been a cunt, and the only thing that’s gonna change is you’re gonna become an even bigger cunt. Maybe have some more cunt kids.” – In Bruges (2008)

#25 “Jesus Christ, see you… You’re a f*cking omnishambles, that’s what you are. You’re like that coffee machine, you know: from bean to cup, you f*ck up.” – Malcom Tucker, The Thick of It

#26 “He’s absolutely useless. He’s as useless as a marzipan dildo.” – In the Loop (2009)

#27 “I’d love to stop and chat to you, but I’d rather have Type 2 diabetes.” – In the Loop (2009)

#28 “The guy is an epic f*ck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him.” – Malcom Tucker, The Thick of It

#29 “You’re about as funny as a blind toddler in a f*cking minefield.” – In the Loop (2009)

#30 “Your brain for example–is so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn’t be enough to cover a small water biscuit.” – Blackadder

#31 “The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed, hasn’t he, Perce?” – Blackadder

#32 “It’s so dirty, it would be unacceptable to a dung beetle who had lost interest in its career and really let itself go.” – Blackadder [Read: 101 aweseomely good comebacks for every occasion]

#33 “Now, the sort of person we’re looking for is an aggressive lout with the intelligence of a four-year-old and the sexual sophistication of a donkey.” – Blackadder

[Read: Backhanded compliment: How to react kindly or give back in kind]

Creative insults can be funny and at times worthy of admiration. Of course, as long as the insult is not directed towards you. Use it wisely.

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Paul Timothy Mangay
Paul Timothy Mangay
Paul aka Morty is a keyboard-pounding cubicle-dweller based in Manila where he occasionally moonlights as a writer for anyone in need of his mediocre word-strin...
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