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How to End an Affair and Get Over It

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Even the best of us can go astray and tread into the wrong path. Are you ready to walk away from an affair? Find out how to end an affair and get over it.

how to end an affair | getting over an affair

Knowing how to end an affair just isn’t easy.

You may feel guilty about it, but like an addiction that’s hard to resist, an affair can control your life and eventually dominate it and tear it apart.

Wanting to end an affair is the first step, and it is the right one.

If you’re determined to end an affair, we’ll tell you how to go about it the right way.

But you have to remember this, no pointers or hand holding can help you out of an affair unless you make up your mind to end it in the first place.

You may have started an affair by a twist of chance and fate, but only determination and strength can get you out of the irresistible affair.

How to end an affair

Ending an affair takes time, and one of the prominent difficulties of getting out of an affair is the temptation of wanting to get back into it at the very first opportunity.

It is an easy way out, after all.

Every time you have an argument with your spouse, it’s easier to walk into someone else’s loving arms than to work on improving a difficult relationship.

But an affair is never the answer to a failing relationship. Work on your own relationship, and if you see no hope for it, end the relationship instead of getting into an affair and confusing your already confused love life. [Read: How to end a relationship]

If you do want to know how to end an affair and have a happy life with your own partner, here’s what you need to understand.

Do you understand the repercussions of an affair?

Sexual or emotional affairs can seem extremely exciting, but it’s not. An affair is the easy way out because there are no emotions involved other than the sexual ones. You may think you’re truly in love with your illicit partner, but if you ever do get into a real relationship with your adulterous lover, you may experience the same relationship problems all over again. [Read: Why do we fall out of love?]

Successful relationships need understanding and love to prosper and succeed, and every real relationship needs effort. And your adulterous lover may not be the ideal partner for you, after all.

Why are you having an affair?

Do you really love your own partner? Why are you having an affair, really? Ask yourself these questions and try to understand what you really need. If you’re happy in a perfect relationship with your partner, why are you having an affair with your lover?

Is it about the sex, or is it just an exciting change that makes you happy? Or do you feel more desirable and attractive because you’re being wooed by someone else?

And are you willing to jeopardize your relationship and your life just to feel good for an hour of sex a few times a week? [Story: Having an affair with a married man]

Talk to a trusted friend for emotional support

An affair is like an exciting secret that you can’t wait to share. But yet, you have no choice but to keep it a secret.

If you really want to know how to end an affair, you need help from a trusted friend. Pour out your heart to a friend and tell them about everything and how you feel about it. Sometimes, talking to someone else can feel relieving and it’s always a good way to get in a second opinion on how to end an affair. And let’s not forget the emotional support that you need at a time like this.

Bring the affair’s excitement into your marriage

What does your affair give you that your present relationship doesn’t? Is it the mind blowing sex, the intimate connection or is it the communication? Whatever it may be, your real relationship too has the power to have all of that, be it sexual or intellectual.

Try to involve your partner more in your life and try to be gently vocal about your thoughts. Let your partner know what you want out of a happy relationship, sexually or otherwise, and try to bring the affair’s excitement into your own relationship. By experiencing the same emotions, you’d soon see that an affair isn’t really giving you anything more but a bag of guilt and fear. [Read: Are you in love with two people?]

Focus on the cons

Make a list of all the things that you don’t like about the affair, be it the guilt, the fear, the remorse, or the lack of anything solid other than sex. Spend a while and write down everything you can remember. Do you really have interesting conversations or is it all just about the sex?

You may think you’re in love your adulterous amour, but is it really love or is it just an escape from your boring or frustrating life? Read the list every now and then, when you’re missing your lover or waiting to hear from them. It’ll help you realize that you have more to lose than gain by staying in this affair. [Read: Is it love or lust?]

And as long as you’re trying to work on your own relationship and have a good time, you’ll see that an affair is only causing you more confusion and pain than anything productive.

Pick flaws in your affair

You may throw your weight around your own partner or throw an occasional tantrum now and then. Have you tried that with your lover? How would they react?

Try to create issues in your illicit relationship or pick flaws in it. If you can’t walk out immediately because you’re too addicted, see how your lover reacts to your outbursts. Chances are, they’re no different from your own partner. As long as your illicit relationship revolves around sex, the relationship may seem exciting. But bring in a bit of real life into the affair, and you’ll see how illicit lovers change their behavior.

Now ask yourself, do you really need this?

Wipe away the signs of your affair

If you’ve made up your mind and understood that your real relationship is far more special and important than a love affair that lasts only within the sheets, it’s time to start wiping away the signs of your affair.

Does your lover have any pictures or videos that could put you in trouble? Or are there any other details that need to be wiped off? Be discreet, but thorough. Your lover may seem like a nice person, but seriously, you have no idea about their real personality because your entire relationship was only based on sex.

Get it to definitely end

It’s not easy but it’s something that has to be done. Speak with your lover and tell them that you can’t live like this anymore. Talk to your lover about the guilt and the fear your affair is causing you. Be clear and get it to definitely end. Explain your thoughts and why you want to take this decision. And once you’re done explaining yourself, end all contact and try to stay away from each other.

Be firm, but not rude. You don’t want to upset your lover or piss them off into trying to blackmail you. [Read: How to reject someone nicely]

Resist the temptation of getting back into the affair

You may want to know more about how to end an affair, but one of the biggest difficulties come after the affair is actually over. For a few weeks or months after you end the affair, you’d feel more vulnerable and the temptation to get back into an affair will be immense. [Read: Getting back again for sex?]

This is when you need to focus on your own relationship with your partner and avoid thinking about your lover. Keep yourself occupied all the time, and read your list of reasons behind why you wanted to end the affair. And whenever you get the urge to make that call, remember the effort you put into getting out of the affair. And let that not go in vain. It takes strength, and as long as you’re determined, you’d be able to get over your affair with a smile.

If your lover calls you

Learn to firm yourself up when your lover calls you. They may plead, beg or even force you to come back, but stick to your decision. If you feel bad about it, explain your feelings clearly and try to explain why this would be the best solution for both of you.

Your lover would know that an affair is wrong business too, so if you do explain your reasons, they’d have no choice but to accept to end it even if they pursue you for a while. [Read: Why are women fickle in love?]

Should you confess about your affair?

Now here’s another tricky part that comes in after you figure out how to end an affair. Once you’re certain your affair is over, you may feel guilty about your immoral deeds, even if you’re happy in a successful relationship with your partner.

If you can’t make up your mind on whether you should confess, read should you confess to cheating on your partner to help you decide based on the circumstances and your partner.

Ending a love affair is never easy, but as long as you use these steps on how to end an affair and stay determined, you’d be able to have a happier love life real soon.


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Have your say!
  • Andrea
    November 15, 2011 | Permalink |

    It’s never easy to end an affair. I’m still in one and though I really know what the right thing to do is, it’s so hard. It’s like an addiction that can’t be overcome. This article has helped understand what I have to do, but unfortunately, I don’t think I can follow it with all my heart. It’s just too darn hard.

    I’m so afraid of ruining my marriage and losing my kids, but I feel so helpless. I just wish someone could help me through this. I’ve just lost all hope in ever getting back on my feet.

  • Laurie
    June 27, 2012 | Permalink |

    I am married and have two kids and a grandchild. I have reconnected with a highschool man that I had a crush on in highschool. After reconnecting with him, he also told me he had feelings for me in highschool, but was too shy to approach me. We are now both 48 and both married to other people and each have two kids. We have been seeing each other for almost 3 years. We have tried, me mostly, to end this affair, but I am having a very hard time with it. I keep going back. We both still love our spouses, but care very much for eachother… I need some help, strength and courage to let this affair go for good. HELP!!

  • minali singh
    July 8, 2012 | Permalink |

    I need help!!! I’m 20 years old. I was having a boyfriend from the last one year. Our relationship was good until now. We were not involved in any physical attachments but he has my nude and vulgar photos. Now he’s blackmailing me for that and saying that he will show it to my parents and others. I don’t want to be with him anymore but if I do so, then he will show the photos. I’m very tensed, please help me and tell me what should I do.

  • AUD
    July 16, 2012 | Permalink |

    I’ve been having an affair in one way or another for years. The current man I have been seeing was telling me everything I wanted or needed to hear. Unfortunatly or maybe it has been for the better the man I was having an affair with chose to cheat on me. I have been so hurt and at a loss as to what to do. What I really need to do is walk away and get a grip on myself. It’s just so hard, and truly an addiction. I just need the strength to accept what I’ve done is wrong and have the strength to stay away.

  • William
    November 6, 2012 | Permalink |

    I have been in an affair for seven years, I don’t feel guilty or ashamed, my wife cheated on me twice in our marriage, and “I” put all the effort into keeping it together, swallowed my pride, sucked it up, and never have receive any respect or consideration for my hurt. Our oldest daughter died, and my wife and I couldn’t talk about it. I met “her”, and she was there to help me through my grief. We became friends, best friends, and eventually lover’s. We have been best friends for seven years, it was never about sex, although the sex was, well, absolutely awesome, it was about our friendship, we could talk for hours about anything and everything, seven days a week, all year, for seven years, she recently broke it off, telling me she couldn’t handle the guilt anymore, I supported her, well not in the beginning, but that was just because of my selfish hurt, but I support her now. I love her, and am still IN love with her, and I hope she knows and understands, I will always be here for her, and would move heaven and earth on anything she wants. If your lover has to break it off, understand where they are coming from, and if you do love them, support them.

  • davids
    November 17, 2012 | Permalink |

    This is a great and lovely post thanks again for this insightful post. This is an answer to my question “Why should i have an affair”. Hope more people see this

  • Jason
    January 2, 2013 | Permalink |

    But affairs are so much fun!

  • Anna
    January 3, 2013 | Permalink |

    Willam, if you love your lover so much, why don’t you get divorced to be with the love of your life.

  • SON
    January 6, 2013 | Permalink |

    i am the only child in my family and my dad is having an affair out there and has been caught a few times already. he gives nonsense excuses and make stupid promises but until today he is still at it. This has really landed great impact on both my mum and my life. to you all irrational adults there who just cant stay committed in your marriage i hope you guys will see the light soon or just drop dead and face whatever judgements against you in the afterlife

  • SON
    January 6, 2013 | Permalink |

    i am 17 and dont tell me that i’m just too young to understand or i just havent gotten that feeling you guys have that leads to having an affair with another person. I can tell when my family’s falling apart. with such a great mother i have who works so hard to keep this family out of financial worries while a foolish father who earns little and yet spends the money on someone else when he could just support us in anyway which would be appreciated. speaking my piece here, your children will face great disappointment, going through all that having to accept you are with another partner else than your husband/wife. it affects us deeply with constant depression and confussion whatever we do and wherever we are.

  • SON
    January 6, 2013 | Permalink |

    speaking another piece here of my own, what you find in the other person you’re having affair with isnt true love! he or she is just someone to fulfill what’s lack in your marriage and you are just wasting that very person’s time keeping someone hanging onto you like that have you even thought that he or she could have found a better and supporting partner in future rather than you who’s always secretly spending time with that someone? you may even have their future spoiled and WOAH you claim that you LOVE them? IF you do, then let them go as it’d definitely be much easier and better for both parties since when it comes to love you’ll do anything to have your partner feel happy well then let them go so that they may enjoy better life than being with you.
    well if you guys define “true love” in a different way then maybe it’s better to let you know that you dont even need it in marriage. what you need to keep your marriage successful and forever would be commitment of both partners. when you’re in a relationship you may still fall for another person. but knowing that you’re married and realising your limits and responsibility towards the household you must NOT nurse that silly feeling you have towards the other.
    dont tell me that i’m too young to have all these said. i think you guys lack rationallity if you disagree

  • Alexandra
    May 13, 2013 | Permalink |

    I am married with 3 kids and live abroad. I’ve had a tough time in the last few years but it never crossed my mind that I would fall for someone else or that I would ever cheat on my husband, until it happened recently, completely out of the blue. I wasn’t looking for it or expecting it, it just happened and at the time I felt like there was nothing I could do about it. I felt weak and I felt completely in love. We had an exciting time and I felt like I had been reborn. This man doesn’t live near me and is now abroad for work so I’m unlikely to see him again, but I have come to realise that I have been obsessed by him and it’s been making me miserable. I read this article yesterday and afterwards deleted all his texts and his phone number and although it was very hard, I now feel better and I want to get my marriage back into gear on every front. I still get butterflies when I think about “him” but that’s normal, it takes time.

  • June 5, 2013 | Permalink |

    Hi I am having an affair with a married woman ,why ? jesus I have read this article and now feel like a twat.
    I have fallen in love with this woman she lives in Ukraine and we made love the very first time we met(we had spoken a long time on Skype) but it was great so passionate.
    we went on holiday to Lviv for 5 days again it was beautiful have really fallen in love with this woman so much that I will buy a house for her.
    Then I went to meet her in Kiev but before I did her husband found out I think she wanted to be discovered she told me it’s like living with her brother and she is so lonely.
    We met in Kiev and again made love the next day she informed me that we were sexually incompatible so I said you best go home then but she stayed on the next day I returned home to the UK to a message on face book telling me not to contact her as she wanted to put her family first.
    Sorry I couldn’t belive it I behaved like a child and the next day I phoned her she skyped me later that day my god she was crying she informed me her husband had begged her to stay in front of the son and was crying .
    but she wanted to stay in contact with me I agreed and signed up on Skype as a female as he wants to look at her contacts.
    to cut a long story short we have been skypeing and leaving messages on face book we are meeting up on the 24 of this month he is off to odesser with his son and she will spend 2 nights with me.why dose life have to be so hard why couldn’t she be single.
    I have to be honest I have fallen in love with this woman and she is in love with me I have told her to divorce her husband but after reading what son has written on here I thik I have given her the wrong advice.
    her husband ask’s her dose she love him every day? he is spending money on her trying to win her heart back but it belongs to me sorry she has told me so.
    I feel very guilty on one hand but i’m so in love with her i’m not talking about sex here I’m talking love .help me please
    james

  • Spouse
    July 6, 2013 | Permalink |

    I have been betrayed by my wife, who decided to chase after some loser (many people actually choose affair partners who are inferior to their life partners, for some reason), and she has only recently come to realize the hoax that was their “love”. In ALL of these cases, affair partners are drugs, not people — it is an addiction that keeps people running back to them, not any true spiritual connection, which is why affair recovery is now treated in similar ways to drug addiction. One who is in an affair is not thinking clearly — he or she is in what is known as “The Fog”, and delusional ideas (such as having one’s spouse accept the lover as part of the family) suddenly seem reasonable. The affair partner (not relationship partner, because it isn’t a relationship in the adult sense of the term) gets the best that the wayward spouse can show, but both are living in fantasy, as neither has to deal with the worst side of the other. In the overwhelming majority of cases, affairs end when the fantasy ends — someone’s spouse finds out, the affair partner realizes that claims about the demise of the marriage are exaggerated, someone catches a sexually transmitted infection, etc. — and we are left to pick up the pieces. Please, regardless of whether you are the cheater or the affair partner, realize that no short-lived fantasy is worth the destruction that affairs leave in their wake. It can take a family two years or more to rebuild after one of these things, and despite the delusion of the cheater that nobody is hurt except for the “undeserving” spouse (they reframe the marriage in their minds to justify the cheating or tell themselves that they are made a better person by the affair), the impact of affairs spreads far and wide. Get out, and get out NOW. No excuses, no “It’s so hard” whining (as though it is easy for the betrayed spouse to fight through it all and stick with people who feel entitled to such loyalty), just a clean break and beginning of the recovery process.

  • Kristen
    July 18, 2013 | Permalink |

    I have been with my husband for 16 yrs. He works away and I don’t see him all that much . He is a very non sexual and non affectionate type of man but is a really nice person. Recently a very very close friend passed away tragically and I was comforting her husband as I know him well and I was basically there trying to help him through his grief in a caring decent place in my heart and then one night I asked him does he need a cuddle and whilst holding him I had immense feelings of love take over me.
    I have now been seeing him regularly in a full on romantic affair !
    I know that no one would accept this , not my husband or child , none of our friends who knew his wife and not his kids . I would be hated by alot of people and I would cause a lot of hurt. I am trying to break it off and I find it impossible to push away something that you desire and love !
    I need help to find strength and inner peace again .

  • WS
    July 18, 2013 | Permalink |

    I guess mine isnt so bad. I dont love him, its only sex, but the sex is amazing, better than I have felt in years. Its so selfish of me and this article showed me that. I need to concentrate on my husband and in comparison this idiot I am dating is a huge loser. Why do we have affairs with losers? Because it makes us feel in control, as if we are needed to help this person worse off. I was vulnerable, he zeroed in on it, I made a bad choice and now its time to cut ties. Thanks lovepanky, best site yet

  • Carise
    July 19, 2013 | Permalink |

    For KRISTEN ;)

    I feel you and I am also in that kind of situation right now. But I just wanna ask you some questions Kristen. This is my first time actually. Now, that you are in this kind of situation and you are inlove with him, how can you just like to end things up with him? I mean, I know that what I am doing is not right but I don’t think about taking steps away from him, instead I wish that I could spend more time with him. What am I gonna do?

  • Kristen
    July 19, 2013 | Permalink |

    For CARISE .
    I think it is only the correct thing to do !
    In order to make love work with him , I need to clean up my mess first!
    Starting with my marriage. I need to cut ties with my husband completely and I need to allow him ( my lover ) time to grieve and get his head in a better space for love.
    If it is meant to be , time will not stop us eventually being with each other !
    It’s only fair to everyone involved and the hurt is too enormous with a massive ripple effect . Can you really take that ??
    Good luck sweetheart it will be hard but worth it !!

  • rhodessa
    July 20, 2013 | Permalink |

    I’m having an affair with a high school close friend. It’s a long distance relationship but we communicate almost daily through the facebook. It’s really hard to undo what we have started. I regretted sending him my nude pictures. It’s what really troubles me. I tried stopping the communication for two months but i just came back to him. I have a really good relationship with my husband and this made me so guilty. Thanks for this feature. It gives me the answers to my questions and has given me the determination and courage to end this illicit relationship.

  • Erin
    July 25, 2013 | Permalink |

    I have been having an affair for just over seven months. I am recently separated which was not a direct result of the affair. My marriage was on the rocks for years it was only through this affair, and the fact that I had no guilt about it that i decided it was time. My husband was against marriage counseling even before the affair started. Now comes the crux of my problem, both of us in this affair are married even if I am currently separated. I have tried to end things a couple of times, it is so hard what we feel is not what we anticipated. We can go forever without having sex weeks and weeks but we can not go a day without talking or texting. He texts me every morning and every night and seventy -five times in between. We go to the movies, for walks, to museums, to wine tastings we go to dinner or lunch we just like to be together. When we are together no matter where we are we can not keep our hands to ourselves. Always have to be in physical contact with each other be it holding hands or he likes to rub my back if we are just in a book store. The sex? Well the passion ,the intensity and the quiet times when we just like to lay there and talk makes for encounters that we treasure. It is so hard before we were on kind of a level playing field now I am in the process of getting divorced and am starting to consider if I should just go my own way. The idea is literally crippling, the one time i told him i needed time to think he cried and was like he can not focus on everyday things, his chest hurts, he cant breathe. I don’t know what to do. I feel like we might have honestly fallen in love but is it even possible to fall in love with someone you stumbled into an affair with. I am so scared to end things but also terrified of how long this might truly last.

  • k
    August 1, 2013 | Permalink |

    I have been having an affair with a much older man for 6 long years! I cant leave my husband and young children for a man 35 years older then me hes 75! God help me he’s my best friend! Lover! Sex partner! He is breaking it off with me after years of saying I was all he needed now he wants to date a woman his age! I’m torn up, jealous cant function feel sad and I don’t want to be that kind of mother! I just cant let him go! I want so bad not to need him but I guess it is an addiction a place to get away from all the troubles at home. He loves me and is having a hard time letting me go as well but it just cant be. What ever did I get myself into.

  • Erin
    August 7, 2013 | Permalink |

    @ JAMES

    Unfortunately you did give her the wrong advice. No matter what her choice is to stay or to go it has to be HER choice. I understand you more than you know as you can see I am on here also. For me the ending of my marriage was long in the making before I met the man I am seeing. I weighed the options very carefully. Is it a good idea to stay just for my kids? The answer is NO! My kids both in the mid teen deserve to see a happy healthy relationship. I deserve to be happy and so does my husband. Truth is we were not happy for years but you get to a place where you go through the motions and it is easier to just stay. I will say that for me leaving was hard and is hard. I am not openly seeing this man as that would be totally disrespectful to my children and my ex-husband. You can not say end your marriage and live with me. It sounds like she has small children. This is not add JAMES and stir instant family. She needs to remember even if i think we all deserve to be happy whatever the case may be our children our casualties in this and as her children are young to go from her husband to you would be beyond disgusting. I also understand what SON was saying but let me say this having grown up in a broken home. You do not want to see and should not be privy to the inner-workings of your parents marriage, so while to SON he loathes the idea that a parent could cheat it is never truly cut and dry. Their are always two sides to a story. For you James I would say if you love this woman then the best thing you can do is step back and let the chips fall where they may. What is meant to be will be. The ball so to speak is in her court now. WHO AM I TO TALK RIGHT. Well I just gave my guy the same choice take some time away from me a few months try to fix what you claim is not capable of being fixed. Their comes a point when you claim it is love that you have to make a decision one way or the other. I hope I have been helpful.

  • Rebecca Perrin
    October 27, 2013 | Permalink |

    Omg. I hate what I am reading. I had an accidental affair, with a man who has been faithful to his partner for almost 20 years and same with me. The sex is mind-blowing; the conversation almost as good! I will not leave my husband and do not want nor expect my lover to leave his wife. But the aftermath of being with him (we live in different countries and see each other every 8 weeks) is driving me crazy. I want to I be with him so bad I can’t think straight. I don’t know how to stop. I feel like I am a teenager again. I never thought this would happen to me EVER. When I read the references to “addiction” I couldn’t believe it – that is exactly the word I can use to describe him. HELP! I am hoping things will just run their course and I can carry on, whatever that means ……

  • Celeste
    October 29, 2013 | Permalink |

    I am 34 married with two kids. I Have been having an affair with a 26 year old and its been awesome. Just leave all your stress at home and go have fun…but as with most things that are wrong, it has to end. How do I tell this guy that I have had fun, but I love my husband and am stopping this, without hurting him too badly?
    It is an addiction, but, unfortunately one that you have to deal with yourself, and its driving me boinkers. Want to leave him….but dont…
    How should I tell him its over when its so good?

  • Jeanette
    November 17, 2013 | Permalink |

    I am involved in an extramarital affair with a married man. He is 36 with a son and I am 31 with a son. He is my addiction. We liked being together, going places and the intimacy is intense. We both know it’s wrong because we are married, but like each other and don’t want to stop. I am a Christian woman and never ever thought I would be in this predicament. We work together and I felt an instant attraction that I had to pursue. I have to break it off because my marriage is suffering and I don’t want it to end in divorce, putting my son through what I went through growing up. I don’t want to break up my lover’s happy home neither. He is my addiction, but it is dead end. We don’t want to leave out spouses. It is extremely painful, but I know what I have to do for the greater good.

  • Heather
    December 15, 2013 | Permalink |

    I have been involved in an affair for 7 years. It has ended today and I am heartbroken. I have been married for 26 years and have grown children. I have not had sex with my husband for over 7 years. I know I will not be getting back with my liver as we live on different continents now. I am hurting like hell right now and don’t know what to do

  • Rae
    January 18, 2014 | Permalink |

    Yesterday my lover ended our 5 year affair. When we started we were both married. He in a sexless, loveless marriage with 2 kids (one in university the other a pre teen) and I in a sexless, emotionally devoid marriage parenting 2 teens. When I initially took up with MM I had been 8 years without any emotions from my husband. He does not hug me, we do not kiss and he shows no emotions towards me whatsoever. We get along very well! Our kids are great! We parent well and we rarely ever argue! He provides well for our family. And he is a great person. We have been together over 20 years. He never was a fellow that outwardly showed his affections. My MM that I took up with was in a loveless marriage. He felt trapped and was doing “the right thing” for the family by staying. Last year he finally made the break and filed for divorce. He says he needs to have a more normal life. His situation changed and that evolution of our lives has us here. I know heaps about this MM. I have been his confidante his lover and his support system for 5 years! I am very sad it’s over. I love him. He knows this. We had a very civil conversation and while I understand all he said it doesn’t take the sting away! More than that I am going to have to navigate my life back into the abyss of loneliness. How does one recover? I hope time. I see this MM weekly as he is a prominent person in my daughters life that until June I am unable to change! I am grateful that he showed me that I am desirable. I am beautiful and I am worthy. He said don’t underestimate yourself. He values me and he thanked me for all my support. Where does one go from here? Back to just the day to day grind and eternal loneliness? I won’t have another affair. It’s not the answer. Just wish the magic 8 ball could provide me with some concrete answer.

  • tabitha
    January 19, 2014 | Permalink |

    i am in a relationship with a married man. i am 27 and he is 51. our relationship has gotten soo deep and i love being with him but i know i can’t be with him the way i would want. i need to end this but i don’t want to.

  • Angelica
    January 21, 2014 | Permalink |

    Hi Heather. My heart goes out to you. My 7 month affair ended last night. I am a mess. An emotional mess. I went from euphoria to absolute nothingness. From the light of my life to complete and utter darkness. I feel lost. More alone than I can ever describe. There are just no words for the depth of pain and despair and emptiness. My lover is 15 years older than me. Our chemistry was like no other either of us has ever experienced before. The sex was out of this world, crazy, intense, passionate, beautiful. We connected and bonded so deeply. He made me feel special and beautiful. I made him feel like he was a real man, the centre of the universe, the king of the world. We both needed to feel special. I had known him before the affair started and always felt an emotional connection. He felt lust initially but grew to truly care for me. I not only looked forward to the incredible sex but to our conversations and how we laughed together about everything. We had so much fun. And now it is all cut off. Like it was a dream that never truly happened. And I am left picking up the pieces of what is left of that floating cloud that I called my happy place. I am now faced with a brutal reality and do not want to see that reality. My lover was my escape, my calm in turbulent waters, my fantasy come to life where everything was beautiful and perfect and in the moment. Nobody else existed except us. The world just went away. Now the world is hitting me like a ton of bricks and I no longer have any defences. Being in an affair is addictive. Because you feel so good and you feel so special and you feel euphoria and elation. Who wants that taken away from them? My lover could not handle the guilt anymore. He could no longer sleep and function. The affair was taking over. He felt he needed to work on his marriage and could not do that while he was seeing me. I told him I was falling in love with him and it is true. But there is nothing I can do if he has made his decision. I tried my best. I begged him. I tried to convince him to stay. I almost succeeded but his conscience reared its head again. He is going away with his wife for awhile on vacation and maybe he thought this would be a good time to break up as we would both be away from each other. But I need to see him at work and there is no way we can go no contact. So seeing him is going to make it much more difficult to move on. My heart is with him and always will be. The chemistry we have will never ever be duplicated with anyone else… for either of us. We have both said so. It is sad to have to say good bye to that kind of magic. So sad it must be allowed to die. When it was everything. Meant everything. And now it is just nothing. Empty nothing. I am not sure how I am going to go on. I think of his smile and adore it. It will no longer be for me. The twinkle in his eye when he looks at me will no longer be just mine. The way he said how beautiful I am and how beautiful my eyes are…. I will hear these things no more…. ever again for the rest of my entire life. I am not dead. Completely DEAD. My happy place is forever lost. I tried to cling to it for dear life but I lost it.

  • Jasmine
    February 10, 2014 | Permalink |

    @ alexandra
    I am in the same situation as you are I am having an affair with a co worker, I have 3 beautiful children and a husband we have been married for 9 years and I have with with my affair for about 8 months…. my husband and i don’t have a very good relationship we have always been fighting but we have always worked it out, I had always thought about leaving him but he is not a bad person i know that but before having this affair i had never even thought about anyone sexually or looked at any one in any sort of way… i don’t know what happen i don’t know why but it did, I have tried to end this but I can’t, we work together and I have to see him every day,,,, it is hard, my affair is a really nice person too, we talk a lot, not only about sex, it feels like I have 2 different lives. in a way the affair has helped me a lot with my marriage we now communicate better, have better sex, play around more… some times i think having an affair has helped me a lot with my marriage and think I should just keep doing it, I don’t feel regret, I feel like i am just 2 different people…. but what do i do… I feel like my affair is not hurting anyone… I don’t feel like im falling in love with my affair, nor i feel like my affair is falling in love with me, should i just let this affair go on? or should i stop it and work more on my marriage.?

  • Sally
    March 17, 2014 | Permalink |

    I’ve been married for 12 years, but we haven’t had sex for over 9. Had lots of problems and I wasn’t in love with him when we met. I met a man, over 2 years ago now. He’s married with a 16 and 17 yr old. We started having an affair very quickly and fell in love. Talked about a future together, but he said he could only see me around work and family. I would do anything to see him, despite having a husband, home and a daughter who still lives with me. I feel like a mistress in some ways. He says he’s wants his son to finish his GCSE’s which I understand. But he keeps saying he can’t get his head around leaving his kids. I am very insecure and get so jealous as I wonder if it’s because he really still loves his wife, he says they don’t have a marriage and are only together because of the kids. How do I know if that’s true? How can we even get to know each other properly when we hardly see each other. It’s not just about sex, but we see each other so seldom. When I get upset or try to end it he acts as if I’m silly to get upset and that he loves me and we will be together soon. I don’t want to wait forever. I hate having an affair. But I am. He has been honest about a lot of things and says he doesn’t lie to me. But isn’t our whole relationship a lie. Despite my husband treating me disgracefully I feel bad about this. I honestly thought my MM and I would have been together by now. Be honest and adult and allow everyone to move on. His kids aren’t little anymore, will he ever get his head around leaving them? How long do I wait? I’m very depressed and sad, can’t stop thinking. He says I think too much! How do I interpret that. He doesn’t communicate very well and things that there is no point making plans until the time is right! It’s doing my head in! Any comments? Apart from ‘stop having an affair?

  • LaBroDi
    March 23, 2014 | Permalink |

    I have been married for 5 years but with him for 7 years. I have an awesome husband. He provides for our family and never stop trying to make a better future for our family. I am also a few years older than him and have a different background than he does so my way of thinking is a conflict. I come from a place where being faithful was never who I was until I met him. Our jobs cause us to be a part but never longer than a few weeks in the past but now that he has been gone for several months, I have fallen for a married man. This man is someone I work with but not in the same location. We were cool prior to the affair. He showed interest in my career plans which is very attractive to me. He is a man who also believes in wanting success in life. Well we decided to give into the sexual desires we had for each other and it has been an emotional roller coaster ever since. Neither of us are going to leave our spouse but the thought of us knowing it has to end when my spouse returns is overwhelming. I know I would never be with this man under any other circumstances but I really believe he is my twin flame. We plan rendevous’s and is planning another soon but I have decided not to go through with it. It hurts like hell because we mesh so well together but I think it’s only for the moment type thing. I thought I was in love with him but he is more of a void filler. I never thought this would happen again but I guess some things never change! I will be losing a great friend but I also believe that if we can’t be lovers we can’t be friends! Oh well!

  • D
    March 24, 2014 | Permalink |

    I am going thru the same thing. My AP let me go to pursue a serious relationship. My husband found out about my affair and wants to get passed this and move on My H and I are in a sexless marriage . I cant leave him , 2 young children and financial reasons. I am heartbroken that the affair is over. We feel like we fell in love with each other… and the chemistry is soooo strong. I dont think ill ever get over him. He is kind, supportive, and our chemistry is through the roof.
    He is dating another lady, but we both still miss each otner tremendsly. He doesnt want to cheat on her, so we talk occasionally. This is probably making it harder for me to get over him. When will this end? I feel like im going t8 be lonely qnd unsexually satisfied forever

  • Sad
    March 31, 2014 | Permalink |

    I entered into an affair with my “soulmate” 3 yrs ago, and after trying to end it a few times he finally ended it for good a month ago. We are both married with children, mine grown, his teenagers and he decided to focus on making his marriage (his 2nd) work. I am crushed.
    I often thought about leaving my husband for him, although we never discussed it openly. I suspect his feelings were not as deep as mine and now that we are over, I think that was defitnely the case. That alone hurts more than you can know. I loved our time together, the intimacy, the conversation, the sex, all those loving moments. I am very sad and miss him terribly. I just want the pain to end and want to try and move forward.
    I keep reading about trying to renew your marriage however my problem is that I don’t really want to, I want to be with my lover. So, how do you turn that around? My husband is a good man and we have been married for 30yrs but I yearn for my lover.
    How do you stop loving someone (espectially when part of you doesn’t want to)? How you you accept it is over when you don’t want it to be?
    I am lost and in need of support…..

  • L
    April 17, 2014 | Permalink |

    i just sat and read most of these stories..its funny how us women all feel the same way within our affairs..we feel beautiful sexy and wanted..i too am in a relationship with a married man, its been 2.5 years and i am going through all the same emotions as you people are..i have tried to end it several times and even went 8 months with no contact…i just cant seem to let him go..i wish i could..i dont know what it will take but to be with him is not good for me..it makes me sad that i can not be with him when i want..does he really love me, i doubt it or else we would be together…do i really want a life with him, i dont know…i wish i could find some answers..:(

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