Home My Life A Better Life 12 Subtle Signs of a Loveless Unhappy Marriage

12 Subtle Signs of a Loveless Unhappy Marriage

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You may think your relationship is normal. But is it really? Use these loveless unhappy marriage signs to find out if you could actually be happier! By Alison Ricard

unhappy marriage

A relationship is pretty predictable.

If both of you are happy in love, you’d know it.

And if both of you are unhappy in the marriage, you’d know it too!

[Read: 12 real signs of true love in a relationship]

So if a marriage or a romance is so easy to read, why is it that so many of us are surprised and even shocked when our relationship falls apart one eventful day, *out of the blue*?

The subtle signs of an unhappy marriage

A marriage or a happy relationship never falls apart for one reason.

More often than not, even if you’re stuck in a marriage that doesn’t give you happiness, you’d choose to ignore the red signs.

After all, it’s easy to ignore something instead of dealing with the mess of having to fix something when you’re not sure what you need to do.

And even worse, at times, you may convince yourself that all relationships are doomed to mediocrity and self-satisfaction.

[Read: Do you believe in love or have you given up on finding it?]

Many of us lead our lives this way, believing that love and marriage is nothing but a support system where you have someone to rely on, for emergencies and family gatherings. It’s just something we need, to fit within the rules of society.

But that’s far from the truth. A happy, loving marriage can give you a lot more. It can give you a more complete life. [Read: 20 reasons to get married and live happily ever after]

The blind side of unhappy marriages

It’s easy to see the signs of an unhealthy loveless marriage when we’re staring at other couples walking down a street.

But when we have to introspect, all we have are blind spots spread over all our flaws.

Even if you caught your partner cheating, there’s probably a good reason that led to the eventual betrayal *unless your lover is a compulsive philanderer or a strumpet*.

The beginning of the unhappy romance

An unhappy marriage is the slow accumulation of annoyances, pain, bitterness, ego and miscommunication that burdens the romance. And each time one or both lovers choose to ignore the signs and avoid communicating what each of them really feel, the relationship is only bound to get closer to the end.

You may be able to point to a particular circumstance that lead to the loveless romance, but almost always, the particular circumstance isn’t the real reason. In fact, it’s only the tipping point. In reality, all the other reasons led you to the unhappiness. Unfortunately though, most of us never care enough to pick the little flaws and rework on the marriage. It’s just so much easier to give up and walk away, especially when egos enter the picture. [Read: Affairs in a marriage and the games egos play]

12 subtle signs of an unhappy marriage

If you’re in a marriage or even in a long term relationship, keep an eye on these subtle signs. You may accept them as a part and parcel of every relationship, but in reality, they can tear your marriage apart even before you realize it.

#1 Emotional affairs. If you’re in a happy marriage, your partner should be your true confidant. You should be happy to communicate with them and share all the pleasant and the sordid details of your life with them. Do you feel more comfortable talking to someone else outside the marriage about your secrets? It may start off as an emotional release, but it would eventually come in your way of marital bliss. [Read: 18 signs you’re having an emotional affair already and don’t even know it!]

#2 The no-complaints relationship. There are a few relationships where the partners have no complaints about each other at all, because they completely understand each other and their individual points of view, and get along perfectly. If you’re experiencing this grand state of telepathy in your marriage, that’s awesome!

But if you’re in a marriage where you do find faults with your husband or wife, and yet, choose not to talk about it with them because it’s just not worth the effort, that’s just not good. When you lose hope of ever changing your partner or helping them see their flaws, you’re in the no-complaints relationship. Over time, these little annoyances could lead to huge frustrations in your marriage. [Read: The 80 20 rule in marriage and your love life]

#3 You have needs. And these needs aren’t satisfied by your partner. Almost all the time, you find ways to satisfy these needs yourself, be it sexual or emotional. But at the same time, you may constantly find yourself grumbling or whining within your own mind about how much better it could have been if your partner was more involved in satisfying your needs.

#4 You have too many needs. This is a contradiction to the earlier sign of an unhappy marriage, but this is a valid point too. Sometimes, two lovers just have different needs. And you may have needs that just can’t be fulfilled by your partner. So what do you do then? Do you compromise for the sake of your marriage or do you walk away? There’s a thin line between expectations and reality.

Communicate with your partner and talk to your friends. If your needs seem justified, you have a right to expect it from your partner. If your needs seem to be high-maintenance, you need to decide what holds more value to you, your needs or your marriage. [Read: Falling out of love – Why it could be happening to you]

#5 Individual lives. Both of you lead individual lives. In a happy marriage or a long term relationship, it doesn’t matter how distant both your career or life paths are, but both of you have to understand each other and be willing to offer a shoulder to each other. Many people don’t make the effort to understand more about their partner’s work life and their daily experiences. Always remember this, if you can’t offer the emotional support your partner wants, your partner may look to someone else to get that same support. [Read: The 10 big problems in a relationship and how to fix it]

#6 Lusty minds. You could be in a relationship with one person and still find yourself getting sexually attracted to someone else now and then. But do you talk about this little crush you have, or do you hide the secret, all the while spinning secret fantasies in your head?

If you have a crush on someone else or consider some person to be physically attractive, you shouldn’t have difficulty talking about it with your partner if you’re in a secure and happy marriage. Hiding this secret interest, on the other hand, could leave you annoyed because you’d feel guilty and at the same time, feel more distant from your spouse.

In a secure relationship, both partners talk about their crushes and sexual fantasies with someone else without really feeling awkward about it. [Read: How to sexually fantasize about someone else with your partner]

#7 Different life directions. If you’re in an unhappy marriage, you’d see a lot of conflicting differences in both your perspectives towards life and your goals in life. This is something most college sweethearts that don’t communicate well end up facing as the years pass by. When two people come together in a marriage, they communicate with each other and their goals too start to align to form one common goal. [Read: How to know if you’re not in love anymore]

#8 Your principles and your responsibilities. All of us have responsibilities when we’re in a relationship. But do you take your responsibilities too seriously and avoid looking beyond that? Do you believe that earning money for the family or looking after the house is the end of your responsibility? In an unhappy marriage, both partners rely too much on their responsibilities to determine if they’re doing their *job* as a spouse.

You know your responsibility in the marriage, and as long as you feel you’re doing what’s expected of you, you assume you’ve done nothing wrong and you never will. But in reality, responsibilities in a relationship are a yardstick of reference, nothing more. If your partner wants to communicate with you or picks a flaw, think beyond your responsibilities.

#9 Expectations and comparisons. You expect too much from your spouse. You subtly pressurize them or undermine them by comparing other marriages or people. You may think this would help your lover or spouse understand your wants better. But it won’t.

Don’t ever create expectations in a relationship based on comparisons. It’ll only pressurize and anger your partner instead of helping them understand your point of view. If someone feels they’re never good enough because they’re always being compared negatively, do you really think they’d ever feel good about it? [Read: The power of your words and how it can affect your partner]

#10 The blame game. Pointing a finger at your lover is easy. If you’re in an unhappy marriage, you’d find yourself constantly blaming the sorry state of your marriage on your spouse. It’s easy to point a finger, but have you ever wondered if you could perhaps, have a part to play in this blame game too?

In a happy marriage, arguments do happen. But arguments are not used as a tool to inflict pain. They’re used as tools of communication to help better the marriage. [Read: 10 tips to fight fair and better your relationship]

#11 Addictions. An addiction can ruin any marriage, and end up leaving both of you bitter and angry. If you have an addiction, you may feel like your partner doesn’t understand you and is being unreasonable, even though you realize that you’re the bad one now and then.

And on the other hand, the other partner may feel helpless and depressed. Make an effort and deal with your addiction, by yourself or with professional help. You may not realize it today, but your addiction could kill your marriage very soon. [Read: The reason behind why men are so addicted to porn]

#12 The ego. The ego is a powerful tool in marriage. It doesn’t rear its head often, but when it does, it changes everything. Do one of you think you’re better than the other person? In a marriage, the two people involved are a team. Even if you don’t realize it, both of you almost always play an equal part in holding it together.

But if you ever assume you’re too good for your spouse, you may feel a tingle of minor annoyance to begin with. And eventually, you’d lose respect for your partner and someday, stray into the arms of a person you respect and consider an equal.

If you ever feel like you’re doing more of the work in a relationship, talk about it with your partner. The few minutes of silent treatment or anger which will eventually fade is way better than years of disrespect and ego clashes. [Read: The top 20 reasons for divorce that most couples overlook]

A loveless unhappy marriage is not worth experiencing. It’s painful and it can make your life feel like a complete waste of time. But if you think about it, it can all be fixed if you choose to fix it. All it needs is the initiative and the memory of the good times and the romance to bring all the love back into your loveless marriage.

[Read: The 25 rules of love you need to follow for a successful relationship]

Use these signs of an unhappy marriage to find out if you’re experiencing any of it in your own relationship. And if you are, communicate with your spouse. It really helps.


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Have your say!
  • davids
    November 17, 2012 | Permalink |

    Thanks for the post, but wait am curious that there was no comment towards the above topic. well everyone is entitled to their opinion. but this is a great break down of things to watch out to have a happy marriage. by the way am almost one year in married life therefore the ideas are good and timely, thanks once again:)

  • Joanne
    November 18, 2012 | Permalink |

    I don’t know what to say… I can relate to all of these signs. My husband and I fell in love with each other and dated for four years before getting married. We were so in love with each other, and I truly thought we would be very happy for the rest of our lives.

    But something changed within a year after marriage. He started spending more time away from me, stopped communicating and would spend all weekend with his friends. We just didn’t have any time with each other. And then, I find out he started smoking and was addicted to it, and he couldn’t stop it even for our unborn child even when the doc said smoking in front of infants can give them asthma. We argue all the the time, I’m so unhappy, and I can’t take it any longer. I’m now closer to another old friend of mine from college.

    Could anyone ever believe that me and my husband would ever turn out like this? We were supposed to live our fairy tale life. But I don’t know, he doesn’t care about me anymore, and I’m done trying.

    I’m planning to just sleep around and screw around every man I’m interested in, and do whatever I please. It’s selfish, but god, oh god, I’m so furious with him for ruining my life. I can’t stay hurt anymore, at least not when I read these signs here and see that I’m experiencing every single one of them. What the hell, why do I need to cry myself to sleep when he seems to be perfectly happy in his own bloody life? This article helped me open my eyes and see what a wreck I am. Now it’s up to me to change things around.

  • Tina
    March 31, 2013 | Permalink |

    I’ve been married almost a year & we are already having big problems. We are co-existing for my 8 month old. We fight over everything, I’ve been so depressed I already lost my baby weight!!!

  • Joanne is awful
    May 18, 2013 | Permalink |

    You sound like an awful partner. Have you considered some introspection? Perhaps your infidelity is an unequal response you concubine

  • sagewoman
    July 20, 2013 | Permalink |

    “But if you think about it, it can all be fixed if you choose to fix it. All it needs is the initiative and the memory of the good times and the romance to bring all the love back into your loveless marriage.”

    Nonsense. Sometimes it goes on too long and too far – you’ve crossed the Rubicon and time to call the attorney. Not all marriages can be saved. Some cannot be fixed. BOTH parties must be committed to fixing it or it’s dead in the water.

  • nala
    August 2, 2013 | Permalink |

    I have all of the above signs.. and i have talk to my husband multiple times. i am not one to easily give up but at this point i am simply feed up of his last of intention to fix anything. When I tell him we either fix things or get a divorce, he just tells me he doesn’t want a divorce. if he had any love for me like i do for him he would make an effort.

  • Jule Eberle
    August 13, 2013 | Permalink |

    I had three marriages thay didn’t work and I realize I got married for the wrong reasons. Now I watch all around me what goes on. A lot of it happens on the Internet as husbands or wives place ads looking for sex. The men will say they are married and usually have a small child, their wife isn’t having or offering enough sex for them, they are bored, they hate their marriage( i have even seen a guy set his wife up and then had her served on her birthday), or they have become just roommates and they complain about the weight gain or she has issues with her body and she isn’t that attractive to him any more. Some say they are going to the sports bar when they are going to go meet someone.Some like the paying web sites( the websites give a false name for the billing statement so if the wife checks she won’t know) while others go to the free websites, and most say they want or are getting a divorce when they arent, and some say they cant get are divorce because it is expensive or the wife will get what’s legally hers so it is easier to cheat…its all excuses. I recognize it is bullshit…and the wives/husbands need to pay attention. Because not all use protection. The wives who cheat, do this like their homes, the new car, the monies to pay for nice things but are either bored, unsatisfied, want attention from a guy because it is easy to be flirtatious and offer it up and a guy will take it, to where the husbands have no clue or are doing the same thing.I have seen them go to church and play the part, and I see the lying. I see the cheating in rampet situations all over and have begun to wonder if a true marriage with fidelity still exists somewhere. All three of my marriages, husband cheated and I caught them red-handed…so it all makes me wonder about relationships.

  • Arianne
    September 19, 2013 | Permalink |

    My marriage has all these 12 signs, and it can no longer be saved or fixed. My husband and I married for the wrong reasons, and for 14 years we live together in one roof because of our kids. Divorce is out of the question because it is not allowed in our country. Eight months ago, I met this wonderful man over the net, and he too is in a rocky marriage. We were not really searching, but we both believe that we have something unique and special between us and that we met for a reason. We may be in a long distance relationship, in different continents, but we are both happy with what we have. We communicate everyday, and we feel that we have this spiritual and emotional connection between us that is just so strong it always amazes us. We ‘feel’ each other even from such a distance. In a few weeks, he will be in my country and we are both excited to finally meet each other. We do not know yet where we will go from there, but right now we are always there for each other and we celebrate the joy of love that we have found. Que sera, sera…

  • Lupita
    November 25, 2013 | Permalink |

    Me nd my husband meet 5 years ago been married for 3 years nd this 3years just been fights arguments we are on nd off every 5 months we have no comunication at all we rially spend quality time with eachother we cnt ever talk cuz it just turn to a big fight his always kicking me out callin me names putin me down all the time but uet when am leaving nd he sees me cry he regrers ot feel bad nd tells me am i sure i wanna leave cuz hia not gonna take me back but yet his the one kickjn me out tellin me he dnt wanna be with me am growing so much hate againat hom that when he try talkinh to me havin a conversations wirh me i just dnt want to do i ignore him nd act like if i didnr hear he i see him trying but i just dnt put efford to it nomore i feel like i cant b with out him but when am with him i cant stand it i feel like he just lies to me all the time everythin he says its a lie nd i deel so unhappy i dont knw what to do anyone has an addvice

  • jenn
    December 8, 2013 | Permalink |

    Hello,
    I’m living with my husband of 13 years who is in denial that our marriage is over. We haven’t kissed in over 10 years and we have sex twice a year. (Usually It’s drunk sex so it’s horrible).
    We come home and live in two separate rooms and do not communicate. I feel like we’re living as roommates. I’m there to pay half the bills only. I told him that I don’t love him anymore and I want a divorce but he is so in denial he rather live like this. I don’t know what to do???

  • Mayana
    December 14, 2013 | Permalink |

    I just feel as if my husband wishes he didn’t get married.He prefers drinking with friends and only comes to me for sex.I feel like I am a sex machine he bought at the store.Every time he says he is sorry about something he did that hurt, he will repeat it sometimes less than a week later.
    I feel like I try too much.I am so full of rage that I just yell and curse him out.Which of course does not work. I have kids and I would not want for my kids to have to go through separation/divorce. I want to disengage and be a room mate who just shares the facilities.He can cheat if he wants.I am so hurt and tired.

  • Amy
    December 28, 2013 | Permalink |

    I’ve been married to whom at first I thought was my life long partner. But that all changed when he said the two magic words ‘I DO’. Things changed right away on our wedding night we had sex and that was our first, last and only time. I was accused of suggesting sex there fore that to him sex was very disgusting and he couldn’t understand why and how two people would do some thing so human as to. There fore he never wanted it again and I was at fault. He moved himself to our basement he works midnight, every night I’m alone and he sleeps all day. Now we haven’t alot of money, and I can’t get a decent job to get away from him, our budget is so tight. Now this has been going on for 45 years. When first married I should have just walked away, but I didn’t and that is a mistake I made and never will forgive myself for.

  • Grace
    January 27, 2014 | Permalink |

    Dang I am so glad that I divorced 16-17 years ago and stayed single.

  • ERIKA
    February 11, 2014 | Permalink |

    Me and my husband has been married for 6 months now, and already i am unhappy. I know we are still suppose to be newlyweds, but i am so miserable. Everyday, i look for him to cheat, just so i can call it quites. My B-Day was just days ago, and i asked for a gift that was no more than $35.00, even though he brought it, i still ended up feeling guilt about having it. Because he complained about money. I have never put a price on any gift i’ve gotten him, because everything is done from the heart, even if it means being penniless. ( which i have done ). As for sex, i’m feeling like a sink. Only for the moment when he needs his **** wet, then he wants to touch. Or when self pleasure for him is not getting it, then he’s ready to touch. My needs are so unfulfilled, and i am starving for intimacy. I DO NOT believe in any form of cheating, but i am SO tired of being cheated out of my needs. I have done everything to be a good wife, even before we got married. Now i am just fed up. And as much as i do not believe in divorce, i am so very close to walking away. Material things has NEVER been my focus, and it dosen’t take much to make me happy. ( The smallest things will do it ). But even the smallest things that is so very big to me, dosen’t seem to exist for him. At lease, that’s what it feels like. I have never been afraid of loosing somebody, but i do not want to loose me. And i will not loose me. I have prayed, tried, and cried, and now there is nothing eles to give. I want to save something for me too. I want to be happy, i need to be happy, i deserve to be happy. With or without anybody. Because at the end of the day, it’s all about what you, me, or anybody else chooses to live with, or without. And i have lived without a lot less, and still managed to find happiness. Can someone please help me with this!!!! :(

  • Cassy
    March 1, 2014 | Permalink |

    Amy you need to get out anyway you can your wasting your life have you ever considered he might be gay? You must be a very strong woman to be with a man for 45years and only had sex once that just blows my mind. Turn to your family friends whatever it takes get out this is not normal at all I wish you the best I hope you find your happy

  • Ranifeliza Vosotros
    March 3, 2014 | Permalink |

    It’s the pain and gain of love. If you follow your heart , endure the pain. But sometimes letting go is another way of saying I love you. It is wrong to stay in a loveless marriage. Before anything else seek guidance and couselling to save the relationship.

  • Eric
    March 12, 2014 | Permalink |

    I married the most beautiful woman in the world in 1992. Working through problem after problem, year after year, I am very weary. I never would have guessed we would be so bad for each other. The really bad stuff started about four years ago. My wife and I worked at the same place. I was doing really well there. She was getting trashed every night, drinking heavily and taking prescription drugs. Most nights she would fight with me and cry a lot. This behavior spilled into her job. I helped her as much as I could. I can honestly say if I hadn’t she would have been terminated. Telling her for an entire year if she didn’t stop I would leave. So I ended up quitting my job and moving out. I did have a brief affair over weekend when we where split up. The weird thing is having a fling made me miss my wife. After a few months we were back together again. Better than ever. She slowed her drinking and the medication. Now we are back to her drinking every night. I try not to talk much knowing it will probably lead to a fight.

  • To Joanne
    April 5, 2014 | Permalink |

    I know you’re hurting but that’s not the right thing to do. Sleeping around even if single is not a good idea and IF you did you could get some sexually transmitted disease that would wreck your life and all your family and friends including you husband would consider YOU wrong!! Have some self respect women and slap yourself in the face. Snap out of it and get a back bone, if you can’t deal with your marriage talk to him and leave if you’re not willing to work on it. Cheating is NEVER the answer and you will regret it this much I can promise you. Hope you come to your senses!

  • doll
    April 9, 2014 | Permalink |

    I too have been married for 6 months and I am miserable out of my fucken mind!

  • doll
    April 9, 2014 | Permalink |

    I’ve told my husband numerous times that I am not happy, I need love and I need to feel it. It sucks that no matter how much I was to communicate with him he always gets mad and says he’s doing everything to make us work. That is an obvious lie because if that was the case he would of filed for divorce because he would not be able to handle 3 seconds of what I’ve been dealing being married for 6months now. It’s come to a point where I will honestly seek somewhere else where I can talk to someone else or even worse, I don’t want to do that but I can already tell I may have made a mistake marrying the wrong person. I hate myself for jumping into marriage just because I thought he would be the love of my life but that was a lie. Sucks that in every argument he will try to prove he is right which he isn’t and I could care less who is right about a fight let alone whoever wins because I don’t care all I want is for him to see that he is hurting and pushing me away! I seriously am alone and it’s making me sick, I’m starting to hate him because he always puts me down and name calls me yet when he goes to work he can vent to some co worker and paint them a fu*ing pretty picture of our marriage when in reality it isn’t as he claims. It’s like he wants to be the perfect husband but he isn’t. There is no such thing! I’m a very stubborn person and I can defend for myself but even I have met him halfway by shutting off my ego and shutting my mouth and letting him talk away a storm when I naturally would be trying to fight and argue and I’ve changed my way of dealing with a situation.. I just learned to keep my mouth shut which sucks but atleast I’m trying…

  • Tabitha
    April 9, 2014 | Permalink |

    While I understand what articles like this are talking about, I am at a loss in understanding how there conclusions are made when relatively few people look at the bigger picture. Almost automatically people assume that a couples’ marriage was built on a foundation of love and all too often the bigger picture is not taken into account. Sure, it’s easier to rebuild love, connection, and cultivate happiness again in marriages where two couples married for the right reasons. What of the people who were forced into marriage by traditional thinking parents, either bc of religious beliefs (arranged), financial reasons, and the big one, unplanned pregnancy? There are a lot of couples, yes accidents happen, even on birth control who are forced into a marriage spawned out of the fear of guilt and disappointing their families and wanting their child to have a “family”. How, do these people find a way to stay happy in a marriage that has no foundation for love and do not connect at all with their partner?

  • Sandra
    April 10, 2014 | Permalink |

    Going on 4 years of marriage and I believe we are both playing pretend happily ever after. He has communication issues and does not like to talk to me about ANYTHING. He doesn’t show me affection tho I ask for it all the time. We have sex atleast 3 times a week but it is exactly as its spelled lol sex nothing more. No foreplay or rubbinf me down before. I try to yalk but he ignores me until I pretend like everything is fine and dandy. We have a 2yr old and he is the main provider those aee 2 reasons why I haven’t left and also having hope that he will change and show me the love I need to feel loved and needed. He has never complimented me in person only text and yes we do live together…he talks to his sisters more than me. Iv has enough and I want to walk away but I don’t want to be with anyone else, I don’t want to get tobknow another man or hv another man around my son or another man to please I love my husband but everything says he doesn’t love me and it breaks my heart everyday that I try to be a good wife and I’m ignored… Is there an wasy way to get through this?

  • Kandy k
    April 26, 2014 | Permalink |

    I have been married to my husband for 12 years and I am miserable..it’s like been married to a rock.. There’s no excitement we’ve never celebrated and anniversary…when I tell him how unhappy I am he tells me if I leave hell commit suicide and I can tell the kids it’s my fault..all I ask it’s that he calls me from time to time he works 16 hour shifts…the only time theirs intimacy is when he wants sex there’s no kissing foreplay just the basic dump and go.. Italk to him but still he makes no effort I feel like I will leave him when the kids graduate..until then it’s like doing time….just watching paint dry……….

  • Asha
    May 10, 2014 | Permalink |

    I’ have being married for 15years now. I got married when I was 17yrs old and now I have 4children. I was raised to be a good wife, cooking, cleaning, and never bothered him when it came to the finances and his whereabouts. He took advantage of my kindness, so he will go on vocations, lied the amount of money he was making. He didn’t care about my needs at all.10years ago I decided to empowered myself, I got my secondly education, become a leader in my community, paid all my bills alone and become very successful all in my own terms. He became dependent on me, and he is now an alcoholic in denial, we have no intimacy whatsoever. he tries to put me down very often, and he seem to have problems with any person who supports me. For the last 2 years I want him to divorce me and moved out of my home, but he refuses to do so even though he said we are over. I tell him almost every other week please can you move on with your life, I don’t want to force him out of the house, I want this relationship to end respectfully but he is forcing me now to forcefully call the police or evict him seriously. English is my third language so please excuses my broken grammar. Thank you

  • Kelly
    May 18, 2014 | Permalink |

    What if there is only one person trying in the relationship and the other person never wants to talk about things constructively? I feel like I put in a lot of effort only to get nothing in return. We don’t have a sex life or intimacy and there is always a reason on his part as to why. I’m so unhappy and lonely but feel trapped because I have three very young children and he is a good dad. I am afraid of being a single parent but also don’t want to live an unhappy life with someone who supposedly wants to be with me…

  • abby
    June 5, 2014 | Permalink |

    Sadly I have to say after 7 yrs of marriage I just cant do it anymore. I have never met a more selfish person like my husband and our problems started 2 yrs ago. 1st there is our sex life who is entirely his call to make as to when we have sex. I have tried numerous times to talk about but it ended up him calling me a whore because I count how many times we have sex. clearly once a month doesn’t take much counting. that has broken me so much and eversince then I just dutifuly wait for when he is in the mood. I feel smothered cos on top of all this he dictates and everything is either his way or no way and that applies to the 3 kids as well. I am suffering from depression cos one never know what to expect of him. even though he is not physically abusing us,he is still abusing us emotionally. now I have met such a lovely man who is single and madly inlove with me and im stucked in this stupid marriage.so far there was no intercourse yet but we are talking about it and I respect him so much for not expecting it from me,he is prepared to wait till im ready”such a gentleman” I don’t know what to do!!!!!!!!!!

  • almlovesu
    July 17, 2014 | Permalink |

    I’m not married but have been in a female relationship for almost 9 years..my partner and I have all of the signs of a bad relationship. We live like roommates, I stopped complimenting her because she rarely said “I love you or you look beautiful”..The holding of hands stopped almost 5 years ago as well as sex and everything else..I’m so unhappy and feel so trapped..more of an obligation than a real relationship. We go out to eat together, shop together, go to family functions. .but it all just feels like a requirement and not something that is supposed to feel comfortable. When I get upset and try to point out what’s bothering me, I get accused of being self centered and immature. I’m ready to move on..we’re in our 50s..but I still feel like I’m 35! Why does it feel like I’m at a dead end?

  • mila
    August 5, 2014 | Permalink |

    I just got married in December, I haven’t had sex in 3 months. We were friends for 4 years when we got married, when we dated we had sex everyday, after marriage it started diminishing. I always feel like he felt forced to marry me. I’ve never got flowers from him not even for Valentine’s day, for my birthday he took me to bars when I really just wanted a nice romantic dinner. His hugs don’t even feel genuine. I’ve been feeling depressed and I can’t even find comfort in him, when I told him about the way I was feeling he is told me it was all in my head, so I stopped trying to tell him that I don’t even want to wake up in the mornings. How can I live with him, claim he’s my best friend, yet feel so alone?

  • Vanessa
    August 9, 2014 | Permalink |

    I don’t really know where to start. I have been married for 25 yrs. One day I realized I had kissed my husband passionately for several years. Honestly, I couldn’t remember our last real kiss. We do get along do lots of things together. He is very good to me. But there’s not that love spark anymore. Hasn’t been there for many years. I don’t enjoy kissing him. Sex is just there, nothing special. I can’t leave cause I’m scared and I don’t want to hurt my family. I’d rather be sad myself than to make my whole family sad. And at the same time, he’s good to me. Sometimes, I just want to find a friend to talk and flirt with, nothing more. But seriously, is there such a thing?? Plus the grass ain’t always greener on the other side.

  • Marsha
    August 14, 2014 | Permalink |

    I feel so sad and let down with a heart full of shattered dreams. My husband during the year before we split up became very selfish mainly due to his heroin problem which became worse through the time we were married. He worked nights and I work days so we hardly saw each other when we did have time together he would spend it either out with his friends doing heroin or nodding off from the heroin. I used to get so angry but he couldn’t see how his actions were neglecting our marriage. He went on holiday with his friends without even telling me and then said he was moving back to Australia with or without me. I felt so lonely in our marriage I would cry myself to sleep. We grew so far apart it was like we were flat mates. I’m so angry at him and myself for not trying harder. I feel I have given up too quickly but know he’ll never change. I love him so much still – it is the worse pain of my life. I feel so much guilt about the money my parents spent on the wedding. But it’s almost like I had a vision of what our future would be like one day and I had to get out before we had kids as I am desperate to have them but not with his addictions and selfishness. I question whether I did the right thing every day by leaving. When I did leave to go and stay with a friend to give us some space he was bringing girls back to our house within 5 minutes and started a relationship with one who he is still seeing and now is returning to my city to be with her. She doesn’t mind his addictions and has a 6 year old daughter. So why do I feel like I’m the one who has lost out and am second best. I too have started a relationship now with a close friend who has been my rock through all of this who is amazing and looks after me and is totally perfect. Yet why is my impending divorce causing me so much heartache and why do I still love my husband. And question my decisions. It is our wedding anniversary next week and I don’t know how I am going to get past it. The happiest day of my life has now turned into the most difficult date in the calendar.

  • Em
    August 27, 2014 | Permalink |

    So I’m not the only one..hmmm.
    We were bf/gf for 8 years then got married …altogether been a couple for 16yrs. 2 great kids. He’s a good dad and hardworker. We haven’t been intimate (sex) for more than a year…could be 2..can’t remember but def. Over a year! I believe he cares for me. We have talked about divorcing but both concluded that’s not the resolution. Talked about marriage counselling but it got palmed off as we were in the middle of a major move! He loves his porn and obviously meets his own needs. I have wanted to get intimate but he makes excuses and also tells me it’s me or there’s no time, yet I’ve tried to make it time…anytime..while kids at afterschool care etc…but he never ceased the opportunity and says he is unable to be “be ready”. He also sleeps in the spare room. I know he’s not gay! My family love him and have great respect for him. I love him but don’t feel inlove anymore and I think he may feel the same but neither of us will admit it. I suspect he wants to stay married because (1) it’s cheaper and (2) it’s easier (for him) and he doesn’t want to hurt the kids who adore him and me too (thankfully) as we do them. He also said he doesn’t want a divorce and will never leave me. I’m also afraid to pursue a divorce as don’t want to be perceived as the “baddy” in the relationship. I haven’t been unfaithful and I don’t believe he has or intends to either. So I (currently) live a life as an unhappy wife because I’m afraid of how to handle life if I did divorce and even worse meet someone else who I would be happy with but hurt my kids in the process. We have now moved interstate. I have no friends here and he works away. We love where we live and so do our kids but our marriage is still not healthy and I’m so dying inside. Don’t know what to do and am afraid to talk to family or old friends about it as have too much pride. Anyone have any advice or opinion?

  • Colin
    September 5, 2014 | Permalink |

    I find it hard to believe that both individuals would be comfortable with #6 in this list. I can only see that leading to troubles.

  • Chad
    October 31, 2014 | Permalink |

    My wife and I have been together 20 years. All of the things on this list are a part of life. The real trick to a successful marriage is to accept and embrace the faults in your partner. My wife may be a spastic worry some creature that can never relax but she is all mine. I just shake my head, help her when I can, and grab her or trap her for a moment when I need a hug or kiss.

  • Miserable wife
    November 10, 2014 | Permalink |

    My marriage is frozen like dead… Been married 29yrs & i cant wait 2 finally sale our house so i can start my life again.. Im in a liveless missetable marriage .. I goten to the point that i have gain weight im depressed though about just killing myself, but i cant do this 2 my kids specially my daughter that started college this yr.. Instead i got a job & im planning my freedom even if i dont find love again i just want to be free… 9 yrs without sex incredible 9yrs … We married only cause i got pregnant. I was very ignorant nobody ever talked to me about sex and he always told me all my life i was frigid fckng me was like fckng a dead person that all i heard in my teen yrs cause it would hurt cause it was dry sex & like maybe 10 mins .. I believe him im frigid all my teens yrs and my 20′s i believed him i was so stupid bringing up my son all my responsability cause he though since he was paying the bills or made more money then him then i had to cook, clean, take the kids to school pick them up take them to here & there cause he was the bread earner..he made all the financial decisions cause he made more money so i had no say in the marriage.. Then in my middle 20′s i had my daughter same shit i was working & would get up @ 5 take the boy to middle school then come home wake up the litt one take to daycare then go 2 work.. Get my lunch @ 3 to pick up son from school then back to work then pick up the girl from daycare.. Then get home & cook for my kids & the master oh & it couldnt b a dry dinner im cuban so i couldnt feed him rice & steak oh no thst was dry dinner if i made steak i had to do beans then serve him then wash & put all hhe stuff back..my marriage chance once i hit my early 30′s & found a lover & he f me so good i knew i wasnt the 1 with the problem Amen for thst.. I learned that sex has foreplay kissing laughing talking touching that it was an incredible feeling .. Sex with my husbsnd was always 10mins him intop of me & ban he would come fast no kissing, no touchimg just we are having sex so open ur legs.. I had an affair witj a guy for 5yrs best yrs of my life .. I asked my husband for a divorce when i was 32 he told me i was the one that change it was my fault.. So i didnt divorce cause my daugjter was small BIG mistake i regret not going forward all thru the yrs .. My husband is a good guy i mean i always had everything but love we never kissed touch hug nothing.. We took each other for granted he worked to give us everuthing & all i wanted was affection & communication .. My husband made me do 5 abortions in my late teens yrs even though he was older like 5yrs he just didnt care & i was a stupid 17yr old once I started working in a pharmacy i started knowing stuff & got in birth control til i got pregnant in my 20′s when i call him & told him i was pregnNt he was that all i need now & hung up the phone.. He wanted for me 2 do an abortion but i was older 24yrs old so i wasnt so easy to convince then in my teens yrs so i put my foot down & say NO NO NO.. Plus i was traumatized from the previous abiottions they where scary so scary… So i had my beautiful daughter & i lived for my kids then my son left to the air force & i stayed with my daughter my son left when he was 18.. My daughter wass 10 yrs old… I lived for her i took to the movies out with her friends i lived thru her.. My husband was busy making money… I was 33 when we went in a cruise with another couple we had a good time so we started having sex in the cabin by then i had a litt experience so i was enjoying he was touching me & suddenly he tells me my woman tjing has gotten older ! I was WTF?? it was like if a bucket of water fell intop of me. I told him well im 33 my body has change anyway he came i didnt that was the last time he touch me EVER AGAIN.. I never had sex again & since in his mind he thinks im frigid i dont like sex.. Our marriage when dowm it got more misserable from that day.. How can u tell a womam ur wife something like that :(. We are very miserable together now that my daighter left 2 college i adked him for a seperation is OVER now im working and im older 43 im not scare anymore he always made me think i couldnt survive without him i believe him all my life sometimes he stil gets in my head & i think i cant but i can.. I done so many things i wouldve never done in my young yrs.. I drove to disney without him i did it & didnt get lost i drove to javksonville to see my son when he was station there with my daughter next to me, BUT my big proudest moment that now i really know i can do it came when i drove all by myself to tallahaassee to see my litt girl all by myself 7hrs for me was a big acomplisment didnt get lost i was a litt scare, but i did it.. Now im just anxious to start living again i so bad want a change in my unhappy life.. I dont care if i dont find love again seriously the least i want is to married again… I just want peace & be my owm womam.. A yr ago i open my own bank account i have grown so independent the last 2yrs im proud of myself… I had the affair in my 30′s never did it again but i thank god that happen to me i learned so much from that.. It started at 30 and end @ 35 yrs old.. Once my daughter turn 10 it end i didnt want for her to suspect i was being unfaiftful so it end ..so is been 9yrs since i had sex … Hopefully our house gets sold fast & i can try & feel happy i want my kids to see me happy.. Now im over weight very depressed this marriage has sucked all my happiness im a shadow of a woman.. I want to dance again like Jennifer lopez says :))) good luck to everyone tjat is in a miserable marriage… Im older now like harder to start again but i dont care i finally are not afraid of the future

  • Alice
    November 22, 2014 | Permalink |

    Where to begin? It’s been eight years. It was a whirlwind romance to marriage within four months. We were both young. Now, most times, I would rather work, watch my own shows, or play games rather than be with him. Loving him is like loving a porcupine since he is always so prickly. We’ve been in marital therapy for more than a year and it gets better then it gets worse and back again. We both have academic backgrounds in behavioral science so we know and understand the issues but seem powerless to do anything about them. We both seem to feel that the ball is in the other person’s court to improve things. It is a mutually beneficial financial arrangement that is more of a roommate arrangement. I have an extreme fear of divorce due to my family background.

    Addressing the 12 points –

    All of the overt complaints are his. It’s been eight years of not being able to do anything right. He is a neatnik, I am slightly sloppy. I constantly hear about my failure as a housekeeper (I am a pilot by profession so housekeeping is not my forte). All of the covert complaints are mine. I cannot address my complaints to him directly as he becomes defensive and turns the complaint back on me. I just apologize to avoid a fight since it’s a battle I cannot win. I complain bitterly to friends.

    I do not satisfy his need for a housekeeper. He does not satisfy my need for emotional nourishment. We do not seem to satisfy each others’ physical needs.

    I consider myself to be very independent emotionally. In the marriage, if I am down, I carry the burden alone. I feel he is very needy, always focused on me and how to change me.

    We pretty much lead independent lives with a few exceptions. He has little interest in aviation or history, which are my interests. Over time, I’ve come to match his level of disinterest in his things. Everything I enjoy is “silly.” We have started working out together again though. I maintain a very high level of physical conditioning due to my job. He seemed uninterested in doing the same for a while.

    I can’t comment for him, but I do have a number of emotional attachments to other men and have had thoughts about them. I find much greater emotional nourishment with other men. My husband is very emotional, but it’s a prickly emotional. I would describe it as “huffy,” always snorting at my ideas or needs.

    I don’t even know what his life direction is. I have a number of goals for my career as well as in martial arts.

    I am hyper responsible at work, but not so much so at home. I often forget chores or tasks. He is the opposite. He might show up for work about 40% of the time, but never forgets about cleaning the counters or picking up piles of books. I have to admit that he is a great housekeeper and always stays on the finances. I would be lost in that respect if on my own.

    He has always set a higher standard on me than he has for himself. I live in a marriage where the bar of success is constantly moving, just out of reach. If I didn’t do something, I hear about it. If I did it, I did it wrong. If I did it right, it wasn’t at the right time. If I did it at the right time, I didn’t do it for the right reasons. For a long time, I accepted him for what he was. Now, I “count coup” or go tit for tat. I will intentionally inflate any of his mistakes so that the scales will be balanced. For a while, I employed the strategy of Mutually Assured Destruction – MAD. The expectation is that, if he were to begin a conflict, no matter how minor, I will escalate to mutual destruction as a deterrent to conflict.

    I shoulder all of the overt blame. In discussion, everything is my fault. I’m not a good housekeeper. I was a spoiled princess. I only think of myself. I dish out all of the covert blame. In my heart, he is to blame, but I will never say that to him. It’s really both of us, but that’s the game.

    I’m now a workaholic. I take every work trip I can get. Also, video games. He’s addicted to his unhappiness and the house. I always say that he’s not happy unless he’s not happy. He intentionally sabotages anything that makes him happy. He’s also a crusader. I have to admit that he is a good, generous man. He always takes up the cross for others no matter what the cost.

    We are both proud of who we are and have some ego associated with that. I often find myself offended by his offhand remarks so I will return some in kind. When I get a zinger, I keep it in my back pocket to be used when I have the advantage. Since he is the overt aggressor and I have to way to discuss the issues, I keep score. I have a laundry list of war stories for every time he has wronged me.

    It’s not all bad, but it’s an 80-20 bad. If he walked out the door and took his stuff, I’d order a pizza and pop a bottle of wine. I’m still young so maybe there’s more life out there.

  • pat campbell
    November 23, 2014 | Permalink |

    where do I begin, I have been married for over 35 years. It is a hopeless situation. I cannot discuss anything with him concerning my feelings. He has become an insensitive jerk. He suffers from erectile dysfunction and my life has become a living hell. He refuses to show any sign of intimacy, no touching no kissing, nothing. He is kind to everyone but me. When I speak he automatically has a frown on his face. If I talk to him about things that distress me he brings up things I’ve said and done in the past that upset him. I am not perfect and I know I have made mistakes just like him but you can never reason with him because he always has a chip on his shoulders. I am financially dependent on him. We both are in our mid sixties. No sex life, no emotional support. We have separate sleeping arrangements and separate lives, what a waste. I constantly think about all the sick and disabled people in the World. The blind who would just be grateful to see and here we are basically healthy people and we can’t stand each other what a waste of life. My advise to young couples with small children try your best to make your marriage work. forget about who’s right or wrong concentrate on seeking happiness and a GODLY relationship, with that said. Never stay in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship because that just plays havoc on your children’s emotional state. My marriage may be a bust, but I’m an old fart. please try your absolute best to make it work for your children’s sakes and your sanity.

  • yana
    November 28, 2014 | Permalink |

    My first boyfriend became my husband.I have no idea about having a relationship since i never tried to have different boyfriends. We got married because I was pregnant. I was hesitant to be married to him but my parents insisted me to be married with him to avoid shame to our family. I don’t love him but I don’t know who pushed me to say yes to him when he courted me. He’s not even good looking, not rich, not educated. As of now,I’m the one who is working. He works in our farm because they have nothing to offer. But, I hate his behavior. He doesn’t want to socialize with my parents. He is against my religion and so am I.
    Actually,at the day of our wedding, people are laughing. They said that we don’t look good together,that I’m too pretty for him.
    I am having a regret now. I am married to a man that I don’t love. I’m so depressed now and don’t know what to do.We have a daughter.She’s one year old and I really consider her future that’s why I am trying my very best to save our marriage.

  • RAAW
    December 4, 2014 | Permalink |

    I have been married to my wife for 18 months we moved in together 4 months before we got married and had our 1st fight that day since then it has been hell she doesn’t trust me at all she has an 8 yr old daughter I have a son 13 and adopting my 14 yr old nephew, she wants to keep the parenting separate so she mow does nothing with the boys but expects me to parent all equally when we were dating before we moved in together we had a great sex life now it doesn’t exist at all when she is upset she hits means is verbally abusive I asked for a divorce but she doesn’t want that we tried counseling but lasted 2 weeks and she didn’t want to go back … At the end of my rope thinking about just walking away

  • Lianna
    December 8, 2014 | Permalink |

    I guess every person should get married once to see what it’s about….Learn and grow from the experience. If it works, that’s great. If it doesn’t work, maybe remarriage is not the answer. I’m on my second & last marriage. I can take something that’s true for me out of almost everybody’s comments on their own marriages. That tells me, you can change spouses, but you’re just trading one set of difficulties for another…..or worse yet, the same difficulties all over again and maybe then some. People speak of saving your marriage. It takes TWO reasonable, committed people to do that. One person cannot save a marriage. I’ve come to the conclusion that it just doesn’t work for most people. I find it highly unlikely I would even live with another man. I’m going to learn to be happy with ME, pursue my own interests and keep my loyal, loving dog as my companion. I will never fall for this marriage trap again.

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