Should you feel Guilty about Cheating?

Should you feel Guilty about Cheating? - How to Get Over the Guilt

Why do we feel guilty after cheating on our husband or wife? Is it right to feel guilty or wonder why the circumstances led you to having an affair? Understanding why you cheated and accepting it is the best foot forward, says Laura Shane.

Should you feel Guilty about Cheating? - How to Get Over the Guilt

I can recollect an incident that happened recently, one that involves a good friend of mine. She called and wanted to come over. A few minutes into the conversation, and she huddled closer to me, and with a wet nose, told me about how she made a big mistake and spent a night with a man, someone who wasn’t her guy.

Apparently, she told me that they had gone out for a drink and to shake a leg, and things just went from handshakes to holding hands to hold-what-you-can.

I put my arms around her and told her not to think much about it, and that it was history (though I didn’t tell her that history has a good way of repeating itself now and then). An hour later, she seemed to be feeling a lot better.

We chatted a bit, and she decided to take off. We hugged at the door and she gave me a big grin and waved. “Thank you so much, Laura, God knows how guilty I was feeling until you made me feel better…”

What?! Now that upset me. When did guilt creep into the picture? Was she here with me, only to reassure herself that she was the wounded and shattered one in the picture? She came to me to be reassured that what she did was nothing wrong, and it was all a mistake!

But at which point was that a mistake? She was with that guy for the whole night, and probably days before the inevitable and awaited incident. How could she not have seen what was coming? She had mentioned that she was lost in a haze and didn’t know what was happening until it was too late, until the deed was done. I had accepted that statement quietly.

But pretending like she’s this lost puppy who didn’t know what was going on, on her own body, and oblivious to everything that was happening all around her, and then calling it a mistake?! That was moronic stupidity, or a lame throw at redemption.

For all the words that she wasted on talking about her true love, her guy and how much she loved him, and how bad a mistake that incident was, she was and is still thinking about no one but herself. She was being, aptly put, selfish. She was tempted to know what it would feel like, to explore opportunities outside the relationship. She wanted to taste the proverbial forbidden fruit. She apparently hadn’t given in all these years, while she was going out with her guy, but then, the hopes of orgasms galore and the temptations abound had her knees buckling.

She could call that encounter whatever she wants, temporary amnesia, or carnal mind block, or whatever the heck she wants to call it. But she was being nothing but selfish, and she didn’t care about anyone but herself. And the worst part of it all, she was lying to herself, convincing herself that the lie was the eternal truth. And the best part for her, it worked!

She never gave a thought about anything but her feelings, and her stint at redemption. She was being self-centered, but hey, what’s wrong with that? We’re all self-centered people, who care about nothing but our own happiness. History has shown us enough to ratify that claim.

But the nagging issue that’s gnawing my head is the fact that she’s selfish, and she has no idea about it. She’d get back into the arms of her lover, shower him with more love, and remind herself over and over again that it wasn’t her fault. She was just a mute spectator in an unrealistic overwhelming event that involved her unwilling and confused body. But think twice about this, was she a sweet doe stuck in a trap unforeseen by her and foreseen by fate, or was she just playing to the tune of her carnal desires?

What she’s done isn’t a bad thing. But the fact that it’s so easy to blame circumstances instead of oneself is beyond blood-curdling, it’s the proof of a conscience that doesn’t work within the realm of purity anymore. What would you do if you were in her place? Or just about any place where fornication can penetrate and seep in without anyone’s notice, but yours. It would be your little secret, your little hideaway bang. What would you do?

Click here to continue reading: Is it your Fault you Cheated?

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  • Veronica

    I cheated on my now ex-husband because I felt neglected and alone. We were married for almost 10 years and I told him time and time again how unhappy I was. I asked him countless times to go to counseling with me. But he was the selfish one. He was OK with the way things were so he didn’t care about how I felt. I was trying like crazy, for months, to get a job so that I could leave the relationship. But it didn’t happen like I planned. And now I’m the bad one, even though for almost 10 years I was a faithful, caring wife. That all got erased in a moment. No, cheating isn’t right, but it happens. I refuse to feel guilty forever.

  • Lia

    Ive been married 18 years. After five long years of feeling taken for granted lonely nasty attitudes toward each other begging for him to go to marraige counseling and sleeping in seperate beds ..sex three times in five years! I finally caved. We have a child so I don’t want to break up our home but I have no choice. It was selfish to sleep with another man. I’m embracing it as a balm to all the pain and feel no regret.

  • Kobra

    Cheating is wrong, no matter how you try to sugar coat it. People who cheat are selfish and don’t care if they hurt or betray their lover. How about grow a set and break up with your partner BEFORE you cheat on them? Not only that, but shame on whoever lies to themselves that they had a good reason, and justifies to themselves and others around them they know, the ultimate act of betrayal in a relationship. Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater. Karma is a bitch, and I hope Karma makes all cheaters pay for their actions.

  • Ashi

    Cheating is terrible I known dat coz i go through it each passing day. But what makes me feel worst is dat my husband knew all about it and decided to stay mum about the same just to collect proof and put me down in front of people especially my parents. Today he tells the world how unconditionally he loves me and dat is the only reason he decided for a separation. So for me relationship(my ex) had just been a bag of politics which he won.

  • James

    Two wrongs generally don’t make a right. I cheated on my now ex- wife after years of her neglecting me – sex 4 times in two years, never going out with me to do anything, just wanting to sit on the couch and watch TV….

    But it was still wrong for me to do it, regardless of the reasoning. I should have gotten out of the marriage beforehand so I could have held my head high.

  • Elizabeth

    I cheated on my boyfriend of 2 years with an old fling. My boyfriend works 65-70 hours a week, hes very busy & tired alot. We used to have sex muliple times a day. But then it stopped. We have a child together. I take care of him, the house, the puppy, the laundry, the dinnet, pack his lunches, etc. I am busy 95% of the day. BUT i am still a woman with needs. All i ask for is to make love to me at least once a week. I threatened him a few times before that if he keeps pushing me off for sex, one day someone is going to fulfill that need. Never in my lifetime did I believe I would be a cheater. This old fling was visiting and asked to see me. I clearly stated that we were just friends and that I refuse to be anything else. We were drinking and then next thing I know, our clothes were off. It felt great to have amazing sex for the first time in years, but was it really worth it? We all have that fantasy of amazing sex with a very attractive man. But I’m the type of woman who wants a man to look at her on the inside and not what’s between my legs. He was such a smooth talker, had beautiful eyes, fantastic tan abs, and a perfect white smile. I knew it was all just an act, no way did he really care about me if he hadnt seen me or hardly spoken in 4 years. But did he have strong feelings for me? The sex with that man was nice the first few minutes but then I started realizing that ” he didn’t love me, he doesn’t care for me, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, STOP!” Of course not. After 5 minutes I immediately stopped, put my clothes back on & ran out the door. I should of known but I easily trust people. I would of strongly agreed that I was a wonderful person with a big heart. But now i feel like I am worthless and disgusting and nasty. I am hesitant about telling my boyfriend because I wouldn’t be able to handle the heart break I will cause him. At the beginning of our relationship I was hanging out with a good friend that I had trusted and he took advantage of me and rapped me. I couldn’t tell him this & he still doesn’t know. It’s embarrassing and humiliating. I told him I cheated & he was so hurt and broken. I had tonlet him know that someone else was inside me before he tried to have sex with me again. I begged God to help us get through it and He did. He “forgave” me for “cheating” before but this time it’s different. He thinks this will be my second time cheating & he might leave. When really it’s my first. I made a really big mistake. But i can not tell him this. I will spend the rest of my life showing him how sorry I am, I will let him do whatever he wants, when he wants, etc. Words can describe how guilty I am, but i have to protect my family even if its covered with lies. If I tell him the truth, he could possibly forgive me & I can stop feeling guilty. Then I might do it again. I’d rather feel guilty everyday for the rest of my life & not doing it again. I love him with all of my heart but i think there could be some positive from this negative impact on my life.

  • Kzel

    I had a long distance relationship of 3 yrs and i could say that it’s really hard to make it work especially with broken trust and faith with each other, distance was the very least of our problem. I cheated on him. And maybe the main reason why i was able to do such mistake was when he broke my trust by flirting with another grl for a month during our 1st breakup. And for being so friendly with women. But i still love him so i gave him another chance when he wooed me back. Bad thing is, i always had doubt on him since then, would always get paranoid, in short i couldn’t trust him completely. Then at work, there were people who would always tell me that he’s having the best of both world while im being stupid here. Im pretty and deserve a better guy. I also saw a lot of things on my boyf’s fb w/c triggered our fights. But i couldn’t let go w/o a concrete proof though i always get hurt and stressed about him, i stayed. My mistake was i tried avenging on him by dating other guys secretly. I was thinkng that my boyfriend may have been doing worse than i did and i just have to enjoy life and fuck being faithful. So I met this flirty guy thru online, we always chat and had clicked in terms of sexual aspect, it had been a no-strings-attached relationship. I lost faith and forgot that i’m not this kind of person just because i want to avenge on my boyfriend. I just realized that it’s time to stop when i got caught and it’s too late to apologize. Since that happened, i did my best to ask for forgiveness bt until he could rmember wht i did, he just couldn’t love me as mch as before. Now our relationship is stil continuing but it’s dying. I always think of letting go, had tried but i just couldn’t do it w/o him saying that he dsnt love me anymore. I want him to trigger the breakup so it’ll be easier for me to let go,maybe lessen the guilt. But he’s not even thinkng about it even if he dsnt trust me anymore and cnt give the same affection as before. Im just praying for forgiveness and promised to myself not to do the same mistake ever again. It’s better to be the one who’s hurt than being the one who’s intentionally hurting someone else. Mistakes are lessons-learned.

  • justiceé

    I cheated on my boyfriend and the feeling after that was nothing but guilt and shame.i knew one way or another he would eventually come to know…so,I told him the truth.what mostly ate me up was the thought that he was a good man…hr has never kept anything from me so I felt obliged to do the same…telling him has not made me feel,any better although he reassured me that we should put that behind us.he is a very understanding man.i still feel he felt betrayed and disappointed but doesn’t want to show me.am doing all I can to gain his trust again.and I don’t think I will ever do that again.

  • The West

    I cheated on my girl the first 2 months into our relationship, I felt weak, hopeless, didn’t love myself, and when I had a client of mind call me at random for a booty call….I was impressed and did the deed. I think about it every single day, every time my mind is idle, when I’m alone, when Im at work. Its been a little over a year since I did that, at the time I did that I realized what I did was wrong, and felt guilt, ashamed, horrible and worthless. Im all about integrity, honesty loyalty yet I did this……and why? My relationship is fantastic, I love my girl with all my heart, yet I curiously did it….
    I came here looking for others experiences to find an answer to help me get over this guilt. I make sure I tell her I love her, care and think about her, we don’t fight, we care deeply for each other. I think Im forced to chalk it up as a very very hard lesson learned……and a mistake I will never ever do again. Once a cheater always a cheater , so they say, but if you have a heart, a conscious and soul, you will learn from it and never do it again, trust me.

    I came here for answers, but I conclude that I must forgive myself for the action, and treat my love with unlimited love and respect. We will be getting married soon, I look at that as a fresh official start to a lifetime commitment. Both of us have been previously married before. This feeling I have about her IS real, and I don’t want to be with anybody else. This experience has forced me to be a better person, help those who need help, become and respect energy and dedicate my “new life” with my love to be happy .

    I didn’t think I would feel guilt like this, it reminds me everyday to never make that mistake again.

  • James

    I cheated on my now ex girlfriend several times (usually drunkenly kissing girls to boost my self esteem) and felt nothing for 2 years, I loved her greatly and we eventually moved in together, one day we had a blazing row over a text on my phone from an ex colleague (female) we argued and she walked out, after weeks of no talk then some talk she eventually forgave me and we got back together. Almost losing her made me realise how much I truly loved her and never wanted to be apart again, that’s when the guilt crept in like I’d unlocked a chest full of deceit, I couldn’t eat or sleep and would tremble during the day, if I told her she would 100% leave me and rightly so but I couldn’t function properly staying with her, she was the most selfless beautiful person I’d ever met, how could I have been so evil. I told my parents as I had to tell someone, it had now been eating me up for some months, I remember my Dad saying “nothing good will come of telling her, you have changed and will love her from now more than anyone ever could” it was a very good point and I wanted to run with it but the relationship felt like a lie, opted to behave in a way that she would leave me as I had no right to break up with her and didn’t want to hurt her with the truth, it was horrible and has scarred me for life, we never speak and when I see her around it brings back pain, I was young and foolish and maybe wasn’t ready for a relationship, I was horrible but I am NOT a bad person, I was then and still feel guilt for my actions, I’m now in love again and have not and will not stray, the way I felt is burned on my memory, I still have dreams where she shouts and screams at me to this day and have suffered with bouts of crippling anxiety since. I guess I’m trying to say the phrase “once a cheater, always a cheater” is bollocks. I’m a guy I fucked up big time and have been extremely fortunate to find true love again. Should I forgive myself? Feedback appreciated. James

  • Justin

    I cheated on my gf with my best friend of years. only Oral and 2 seconds of sex but I feel like shit. This girl is the love of my life. I’m only nineteen but made a horrible half High decision to do it. I’m gonna marry this girl I’m pretty sure but I can’t and won’t tell anyone somebody please help.

  • annie

    @Lia you are a horrible person! you should have gotten a divorce from ur husband instead of cheating on him after 18 years of marriage!! but instead you say i feel no regret for hurting my husband! he was in the same situation as you, the only difference is he didn’t cheat!

  • drea

    this is 2 years late but im gonna vent anyway lol
    so you feel no regret for the way you hurt ur husband? no regret for the fact that he wasted 18 years on someone who eventually cheated on him and says i feel no regret? if u were in a “bad marriage” u should have gotten out instead of acting like a coward and deciding to break his soul!! i mean he was in the same bad marriage u are, the only difference is he is a decent human being who didn’t cheat!
    take some fucking accountability for your actions and stop tryna redeem yourself from guilt at the expense of your poor husband!!