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When Your Partner is Not Interested in Sex

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Every now and then, for no visible reason at all, you or your partner could lose interest in sex. Find out the reasons behind why your partner is not interested in sex, and what you can do about it.

Click here to read the first four reasons behind why partners don’t want to have sex anymore, and how you can handle it.

not interested in sex - husband - wife

My partner is not interested in sex

How many times have we heard that line, and how many times have we wondered how that could ever happen? But it does, and it happens very often.

Are you dealing with the same issue now?

As the relationship progresses, the libido of both partners start to change over time.

And in most cases, the change isn’t really similar. One partner may start to lose interest in sex, while the other partner may want more sex.

Here are a few reasons why a partner may not be interested in having sex.

#5 Too tired for sex

Your partner and you may be sexually attracted to each other. But at times, work pressure and stress at work can make one of you distracted and lose interest in sex. Or even if you have sex, you may not really enjoy it enough, or you may end up not performing to your best which can lead to more frustrations. [Read: Tips on turning a guy on]

What starts off as one round of bad sex can make one of you shrink away from sex further and further until you’re just not interested in sex anymore. This is especially true for men because a lot depends on how hard he can be. If he finds his little buddy bowing down in shame halfway through the deed, he’d start to avoid sex as much as he possibly can. [Read: How to have sensuous sex]

When you’re going through this phase, avoid sex for a few weeks, and just focus on foreplay. Make it clear that both of you aren’t going to have sex for a couple of weeks. Don’t set a precise deadline. That can be even more stressful! Just cuddle and kiss, and spend a lot of time together in the bathtub or in bed, just warming each other up. Soon enough, the humble little guy would be upright and waiting for a standing ovation! [Read: Happy ending massage]

#6 Too busy with something else

One of you love gardening or spending hours on the Xbox? Sometimes, even watching a few great shows on the television back to back every night can lead to boring sex lives. You could be having so much fun watching a movie every night that both of you might just give up on sex.

If you’re experiencing this, it doesn’t mean you’re not sexually excited by each other. It’s just that you’ve decided to give up on together time. And when you start doing this for a couple of weeks, it would go on the same way forever. We love routine, and it’s pretty hard to change something once we get comfortable with it.

To make sure this doesn’t affect your sex life in future, get into bed an hour earlier or spend at least an hour every evening cuddling up with the TV turned off once you’re done with the shows. It may seem quite boring at first, but you’ll see what cuddle time can lead to! [Read: Tantric sex]

#7 Just not into sex

Yeah, for all your horny lovers out there, this sucks, but it’s true. Some partners just aren’t into sex. You may love making love to the computer or you may end up using a toy to pleasure up, but the whole act of sex could seem distasteful to your partner.

If all the earlier tips fail, then perhaps, it’s time you have a heart to heart talk with your partner. Sometimes, it could be a childhood trauma, hormonal imbalances or even a medical condition. In almost all cases, this is curable with a little effort.

Many people put a lot of emphasis on sex and copulation. And that can put off a partner. Sex is a lot of fun, but that doesn’t mean foreplay can’t be fun. You could just cuddle up, talk dirty, fantasize, role play, explore a few sexual fetishes, or do just about anything else we’ve mentioned here, and stop putting the focus on sex. If your partner doesn’t even like to kiss, then well, stay away from physically touching them and just talk. Ask your partner if they like talking about it. Surely, there’s bound to be something that could interest your partner. In most cases, they may have a few sexual desires and may be too afraid to reveal it. [Read: Sexual fetishes]

Or on the other hand, it could be a serious traumatic issue or a medical condition. If that’s the case, then obviously, both of you could take the help of therapy or counseling.

Why do partners lose interest in sex?

The reasons could be many as long as it’s not a medical condition, as we’ve pointed out in the introduction and in the points here. But putting medical and hormonal reasons aside, here’s one theory that the Lovepanky team has tested, and it could surprise you.

If you and your partner share very different lifestyles, and if one of you meet and interact with a lot of people, while the other partner is more of a quiet loner, there’s a huge chance that both your libidos are going to start changing with time. And the worst part, it will change in opposite directions.

The partner that interacts with very few people will start to lose their libido, while the partner who interacts with a lot of people and meets new friends often will retain their libido, or even see a surge in their sexual energy.

If evolution has taught us anything, we should know that the main *job* of humans is to procreate and produce more humans. But if you’re going to spend a major part of your life alone or with minimum interaction with other members of the opposite sex, there’s really no need for your body to invest in sexual energy that has to be wasted on useless libido. Instead, you body might as well use it on something else.

Confused? Well, ostriches have wings but they can’t really use them to fly, can they? If that can be evolution’s work, libido can work through the same cycle too!

How to increase your partner’s libido

Your partner may just not be interested in sex at times. In such cases, you need to help your partner understand that sex is just as natural as eating or breathing. It’s one of the necessities of life. Spend more time going out and socializing with others. Meet your friends at parties, or go on a vacation with another couple that you know enjoys a great sex life. [Read: Public flashing confessions]

Sometimes, as humans, we need to watch someone else take the plunge off the diving board before we try something ourselves.

If your partner isn’t interested in sex, introduce your lover to other people who glorify sex. Of course, don’t reveal your intention straight away. Sometimes, even a bit of PDA and kisses on a dance floor could excite your partner. Help your partner explore the possibilities of sexual arousal and show them how enjoyable it can be. And soon enough, your partner would be able to express themselves and enjoy a better, happier sex life. [Read: Public display of affection etiquette]

When your partner is not interested in sex, don’t get frustrated. Instead, hold each other’s hands and explore the many paths of sexual arousal. It can be exciting and fun, and somewhere along the way, we’re pretty sure your partner will like something too!


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Have your say!
  • Edward Marquez
    January 29, 2013 | Permalink |

    Well, my name is Edward Marquez. And i need help with my fiancée. At the beginning of our relationship we were really sexually attracted to each other. Until she got pregnant and it went downhill. We only had sex two times throughout her pregnancy and it was only because she felt like she needed to do something for me, not interested at all. When she gave birth she had a C-Section done. Been 9 months now since she gave birth to our son. And she still feels the same. She feels really frustrated to the extend of her crying really hard because she can not comprehend why she doesnt get in the mood to have sex anymore. She really loves me and prays to God to fix all this because she really wants to have sex and have a sex full and happy life. She tells me to not worry because this might blow over. But its been 9 months of waiting. I need expert help. And advice

  • Pierce K.J.
    February 16, 2013 | Permalink |

    I feel what your going through Edward. I’m in a long distance relationship where my girlfriend lives on the other side of the world. Our communication is always present and never lacking. We video chat all the time, everyday. We used to always talk dirty, send pictures, video, etc, until we finally met I went to go visit her in her country for two weeks. After that, all of a sudden, she completely stopped all sex life. She refuses to send me any pictures or engage in any and all dirty anything. And whenever I bring it up, she changes the subject and says she doesn’t want to talk about it and gets upset at me for insisting we spice up our relationship. It’s almost been a full year, we haven’t engaged in anything sexual at all. I try to talk about it, but she constantly shuts me down saying it upsets her that all I want is to be dirty. I’m at a boiling point I don’t know What to do anymore. A man can only go so long without anything intimate from his partner. I gained some weight within the past year, I don’t know if that could be it, but its killing me I don’t know what to do anymore.

  • Amy
    May 12, 2013 | Permalink |

    My husband became uninterested in sex and intimacy the day after we were married. We’ve been married 45 years and it has been a horrible 45 years. He thought sex was boring, disgusting, messy, smelly, pointless and meaningless! He couldn’t believe two people do some thing so degrading and insane as sex. For me it has been a horrible experience, I have very few answers as to why he is what he is. He lives in the basement all of our married life and worked the midnight shift. We never ever talk, he will not sleep with me. Don’t let your life get messed up like mine.

  • meili
    August 16, 2013 | Permalink |

    i am not uninterested in sex. but my boyfriend said i do. for him, sex is really important in a relationship. i felt that he said i was not interested in sex is because he wanted to leave me for this “excuse”. very sad

  • Moonrider
    August 18, 2013 | Permalink |

    Okay, the article does give real possibilities, but none of them help. I am the one who is not interested in sex. It was never all that big a deal to me, more for my partners. After being married for 24 years, I just don’t want it at all. It is smelly, sweaty and messy, but that would not be the reason I don’t want it. I just simply have no urge to have sex. Yes, I can and do orgasm, but I honestly don’t care. I don’t even masturbate as I don’t need the orgasm. They say you should just do it, and fake it till you make it, but I have been doing that for some time now, and I am no more interested now than I was at the beginning.

    I NEVER want to have sex in a public place. I hate dirty talk. My hubby wants me to do it, but all I can do is laugh and feel stupid. I would never say anything like that, so I feel stupid trying. I haven’t liked kissing since I gave birth and had to have an oxygen mask on. My senses are sharper now, and the feel and taste and smell of things leave me cold. I have not a single fantasy to share with him. Years ago I told him one I used to have, but never really wanted to have happen. He has been bringing it up for the last 20 years. If he ever did try to act on it, I would be angry, not turned on

    Finally, when I do engage in sex (and it is several times a week, even though I would be happy with once a month), my orgasms are too intense. My body parts are too sensitive for it to feel good, and the tears in my pelvic region from child birth sting and hurt sometimes during sex.

    I don’t like not wanting sex, as all men claim it is required for them. Better not tell the priests that- it could be a problem. It isn’t really required, and they could relieve themselves to keep discomfort away. Believe me, if I wanted sex and my partner wasn’t as interested as I was, I can take care of myself. Thing is, I don’t. I don’t want it at all. I wish I could be as into it as he is, but I am not, and he knows that. He knows I do it for him and makes comments about how he wished I liked it more because he loves to get me off.

    Truth is, I don’t know why my senses got stronger, my orgasms got to intense for me, or why I don’t like kissing and fondling any more. I just don’t. How do you fix that? You can pretend, but you can’t really fix it.

  • Between A Rock And A Hard Place
    October 15, 2013 | Permalink |

    I am a post menopausal woman and if I have no need for sex. I am married to a man 10 years younger than I am, so this is a problem. I love him but we have grown distant due to two things, our raising two grandkids for the the past 10 years(which has been mostly my responsibility and it has been difficult and very stressful) and my husbands work schedule, he works away from home two weeks out of he month. Our relationship is what needs reviving and since the grandkids are in high school, we have time to spend together. We actually went out on a date this weekend, which I must say felt uncomfortable, finding something to talk about was an effort. He made an effort to hold my hand and show a little affection. I didn’t respond very well. The evening did not end up the way, I am sure he would have liked it. On top of not wanting to engage in sex, I feel guilty and unsure that he is going to continue to be patient with me. I feel that he is either going to give me an ultimatum or be open if a woman gives him attention. He goes out, to bars, with his fellow workers, when they have out of town classes they have to attend. I can’t fake something I don’t feel. I am making an effort to reconnect, but I am afraid that it may be a little too little too late. I have told him how I feel and what I fear and he tells me that ‘we’ are ok…but I don’t feel that assured.

  • hopeless
    November 13, 2013 | Permalink |

    My wife and I have been married for almost 20 years. We have not had sex for years. We have a young child who takes up a lot of our time and attention. We both have our each individual careers and both successful. After reading many advice posts and the like, I have realized that I probably have a higher sex drive than her. But when I ask for or initiate sex I am turned down and rejected. She won’t discuss with me why she doesn’t want me to touch her. I am her husband. She should be able to discuss anything with me and me with her. But I feel that her constant rejection is hurtful and personally directed toward me. If there is a problem I don’t know about I want to understand and help solve it. By her withholding, not only sex but her feelings or thinking she is withholding her trust in me. So I stop asking. I self indulge to release. I have reconnected with an ex on FB. We haven’t been intimate but our conversations are intimate and I have joy when I talk with her. My main concern is my child and keeping them happy and feeling safe and secure. My wife and I talk about daily life stuff…who is picking up our child. But there is no intimacy shared between us. The less we have the less I crave it from her. So I’m stuck in a sexless marriage and wanting to be with my ex.
    I am not a couch potato husband. I do the yard work, the maintenance on the house, I provide for my family, I cook and clean the house…mostly because she won’t do anything so I have to or it won’t get done. My wife often exhibits displays of selfishness and self centeredness. We have disagreements about her family and how much they are involved in our lives but she refuses to see or acknowledge my point of view. On my birthday, she spent the whole day with her girlfriends. Instead of wanting to spend the day with me, I was left alone. I am not a me, me ,me kind of person but I too want to be loved and needed and desired. Honestly, I had a better day alone. This is just the tip of the iceberg that I have let things go. I think we are gonna crash and burn and live out a miserable existence. I don’t believe in happily ever after anymore. But I won’t divorce because I can’t leave my child. I believe you have to work on the marriage and communicate. I don’t think everything always lasts forever. But how can I work on the marriage when she won’t talk to me to work out our problems. So I give up…waiting out my time…for what?

  • heartbroken
    November 28, 2013 | Permalink |

    Ive read alot of these comments from others on here and its so sad that people are living like this with partners. i can relate myself to alot of this as my husband has no interest in sex. we have only been married 3 months. its my husbands first marriage but its my 3rd marriage so i guess i would say i have more understanding of what is needed to build marriage. his very withdrawn he seems in his own little world most of the time. i know he loves me with all his heart and i do him… but he seems to not understand the importance of having a sex life within a marriage. ive tryed talking to him and its got me no where.. he just says sorry and dont mean to hurt my felings. he says he does find me attractive and wants me he just dont understand why it never comes to his mind to get sexually active with me.i really dont know weather its worth me staying in this marriage cos i cant see that anything is going to change on his part. he makes me so frustrated hurt and rejected every day. its got unbearable now for me.. ive never been with any man like this before so its mind blowing and so hard to accept specially when hes so different to others ive been with, hes so kind and caring and loves me alot he just dont get my point and understand my needs.i just want us to be happy and fullfilled with each other, but he seems to misunderstand that his ways are pulling us apart. if anyone has any advise then please help im open to hear others comments.

  • Darren
    December 17, 2013 | Permalink |

    Hi guys, I have been with my Girl Friend for the past 5 years. She is super hot and a fantastic woman. We have sex quite often although its not the sme as it used to be. At first you tend to have sex at the drop of a hat and in all kinds of places. As time passes it gets to be more “climb on and hurry up”! why this is the case I am not sure but it is very frustrating! We have spoken about it, but you get to the point where you don’t want to keep bringing it up! She enjoys sex when we have it and always reaches climax. Its just the feeling of she wants me as much as i want her is not there any more! she says she does although actions speak louder than words! Oh well, i must try harder!

  • someadvice
    December 21, 2013 | Permalink |

    To all men.. it never gets better, if u like sex, don’t get married. 90% of marriages are without sex just no one tells the truth..Trust me I’ve been married 15 years and she is a prude. I don’t even think she has a sexual fantasy and if she does its not with me.. Maybe some other guy and at this point I wouldn’t even care.. just waiting til kids turn 18 then I’m divorcing

  • frustrated as hell
    February 10, 2014 | Permalink |

    I have been with my girlfriend five years now. When we first started dating we were very sexually active we had sex anywhere we didn’t care. But after we got more serious the sex slowly disappeared. I’m 24 I have a crazy high sex drive I could have sex do the part we both like (both orgasm) and go again right then, she used to like that but now I can’t even convince her to be open to the idea of sex more than once a month. I’m frustrated and it seems like she doesn’t care I try not to put so much pressure on the lack of sex but honestly it is on my mind alot. I have every had every intention to marry her and she is always hinting and stuff but I don’t know if I could marry knowing that she is this disinterested in sex. I’m at a loss its making me not want to be with her there is no passion there anymore and she makes it seem like a chore which has put me out of the mood during sex before where I have just stopped. We had a break up for a year not long ago and oddly enough the sex came back we had sex all the time and honestly she had sex with other guys (i have never had sex with anyone but her) and then we got back together and it just disappeared again. I love her she is a beautiful person inside and out, she is one of the kindest and most forgiving people I have ever met but this puts a strain on our relationship to where I have come into contact with a very good female friend from high school that both ne and her have feelings for each other. I have thought about cheating and this is not in my nature hell when we were broken up I couldn’t even sleep with another person because they weren’t my ex their skin didn’t feel the same or they said something any excuse I could find I used it. Its crazy and frustrating and I think I might give up for good sometimes. If only I could have advice…

  • fergie
    March 28, 2014 | Permalink |

    My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years and suddenly he won’t try anything in bed , we lack communication and every time I try to talk about it he brushes it off. He cheated a year ago and since then things have had their ups and downs . . . Is he not interested anymore? Am I not good enough?? What do I do … Please help

  • fp
    April 4, 2014 | Permalink |

    In the beginning I wanted sex all the time but my partner wasn’t interested. During sex I did all the work, it didn’t matter how often I tried to talk about what I needed, what turned me on – my partner would either run away once cuddles became more or he’d be distracted during the act.

    He didn’t like holding hands or cuddling. I had to force him to do these things. We talked and talked and talked until one day, I gave up trying. Once I stopped directing our lovemaking, it all went down hill. After 4 years together, he really doesn’t know what I like. So now I hate having sex with him. It actually repulses me and I feel nauseous . Sometimes I want to throw him off me.

    I still love sex, just not with him. The last few times I was extremely horny and had sex with him, my arousal disappeared in the first five minutes we were together. Now I’d rather masturbate than let him touch me. Worst part is I have a high libido, though over the years with him, I can see that it’s in decline – until some other guy I find attractive walks in the room.

    Something else that is strange is now that I don’t want sex, he is all over me. He’s initiating talks, trying to get me to want him. Now he’s the one begging me to cuddle and hold his hand and kiss him. It makes me feel bad cos | can see I’m hurting him but I can’t help it. When he touches me my skin crawls, I don’t even like it when he looks at me undressed.

    I have tried a few of the things listed in this article. They didn’t work for him and now they don’t work for me. I want to end things but can’t bring myself to hurt him like that. I know it’s not fair on either of us. This limbo we are stuck in.

  • kenneth priddy
    April 22, 2014 | Permalink |

    No sex for the past several yrs. She doesn’t show any interest in sex or me. I had penile implant, she says it doesn’t feel the same. My Urologist says size did not change at all. But the last time I tried to have sex with her, she says “what is the point, I can’t feel you, it’s too little”. Haven’t gotten over that yet.

  • Amy
    July 25, 2014 | Permalink |

    I’m married but don’t have a partner..
    Married over 45 years and only had sex once.! He refuses sex at all costs and he hasn’t spoken to me in years. He lives in a garage apartment and I have the house. Really the only time I see him is when he’s doing out door chores. He goes no where, just stay’s cooped up in his area like a hermit. Really to old and tired to change anything. He lives his life and live mine and its a horrible way to live.

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