How can you recognize a selfish friend or partner, and how do you stop them from affecting your life? Find out how to deal with selfish people here. By Elizabeth Arthur
Selfish people are always lovable, nice and really sweet.
It’s true, they really are.
For all you know, you may be in love with a selfish person right now, or perhaps you have a best friend who’s selfish.
Unfortunately for you, the traits of a selfish person aren’t easy to notice, because they cover their darker side so well.
But as the relationship starts to grow, you’d start to feel emotionally weak around this person.
And before you know it, they could suck the happiness out of you, and all you can do is watch helplessly.
How to deal with selfish people
If you’re traumatized by a selfish person in your own life, don’t hate yourself for it.
It’s not your fault that you didn’t see the signs.
No one really realizes that a partner or a friend is selfish at the beginning of the relationship.
You’d only see the signs when it’s too late, and there’s little you can do to change their behavior after that.
What makes a person selfish?
A selfish person is one who cares only for their own pleasures, even if it causes pain to someone else. They have no consideration for anyone else, and worry only about their own comfort. Selfish people are well mannered and nice to everyone, but they’re nice only as long as they get something more back in return from the people around them. [Read: 10 signs your partner is only using you]
The irony of it all is that a selfish person wouldn’t even know they’re being selfish. They’d just assume they’re nice people who care about their own happiness more than anything else. But in their pursuit of their own happiness, they carelessly and intentionally walk all over the shattered hearts of any loving person around them.
One of the easiest ways to recognize a selfish partner or a friend is their trait of always extracting more from you, and yet, they never give anything back to you in equal measures.
Selfish people aren’t selfish with everyone
Selfish people subconsciously pick and choose the people they would want to use and trample on. They don’t go looking for people to hurt. But just like a wild animal’s inner instincts, if they come face to face with a caring and emotional person that they see as prey, they use them and abuse them until the relationship eventually falls apart or they find someone better to prey on.
If you come across as intimidating or emotionally closed off to a selfish person, they’d never ever dream of using you. Instead, they’d suck up to you and try to win your affection.
Selfish people are people pleasers, and appear needy and vulnerable to begin with. They’d pamper you, care for you and love you until you drop your guard down and welcome them into your life and give them your whole heart. And once they have their hooks dug deep in your heart is when you’d start to notice a difference in their behavior. [Read: 10 types of toxic friends you need to avoid in your life]
The mind of selfish people
A relationship is an exchange of emotions. In every successful relationship, both partners give and take from each other in equal measures without keeping count. And everything’s just perfect.
But when one partner stops giving back to the relationship, the relationship starts to fail.
When you’re in a relationship with a selfish person, they would continue to extract your love and your affections. But they’d stop giving any love or affection back in return which would leave you feeling weak, unappreciated and miserable. [Read: 12 signs you're walking on eggshells in your love life]
So why did you fall prey to this selfish person?
In a perfectly happy relationship between friends or lovers, both the involved people consider each other as equals. But when a selfish partner or friend starts to believe that they’re more important than the other partner in the relationship, they’d convince themselves that their partner needs them more than they need their partner.
It is very important that you understand this fundamental idea, because this is the foundation of all selfishness. If your friend or lover believes they don’t really need you but you need them a lot, that’s when they expect you to do all the giving, while they extract everything you can give.
A selfish person will behave selfishly around you only when they truly believe that you need them more.
Selfish people are skilled manipulators by instinct. If you’re being used by a selfish friend who sees you as an emotionally weak target, you may even find yourself confused and lost. You may wonder why you’re the only one feeling miserable around this selfish person while everyone else thinks so highly of them. But that’s only because you lovingly handed over the strings to control you like a puppet to them. [Read: How self respect affects you and your relationship with others]
Dealing with the hurt and the pain
When you’re in a relationship with a selfish person, no matter what you do, they’d constantly make you feel like you aren’t giving enough back to them. Even the love you have for this person would feel one sided and painful, because none of your feelings would be reciprocated.
A relationship with a selfish person would make you feel like you’re living through a heartbreak every day. No matter what you do, they’d still pick flaws with you or overlook your nice side. And even your nicest friendly or romantic gestures would be treated as ordinary and nothing spectacular.
And while you try to please them by bending over backwards, their expectations from you would constantly increase all the time. And before you know it, you’d be hurt all the time and craving for the smallest sign of appreciation from this selfish person just to feel like you’re doing something right. [Read: The right way to let go of a relationship that's bad for you]
10 signs to recognize a selfish person
It doesn’t matter if you’re dating a selfish person or best friends with one. The signs to recognize a selfish person are almost always the same. Use these 10 signs and ask yourself if that special someone is nothing but a selfish and bad person.
#1 A selfish person is excessively friendly and will go out of their way to be nice to you, though only at the beginning of the relationship.
#2 A selfish friend or partner always asks for favors, big or small.
#3 They always squirm out of helping you when you need their help.
#4 You can sense a selfish person’s fakeness when they talk to others. They try to appear very friendly and sweet to everyone, even if you know that they hate the person.
#5 They use others all the time. And they share a laugh with you and tell you how they used someone else to get something done.
#6 Selfish people are people pleasers. But once you get to know them well, they start to show their lazy and aloof side.
#7 If you meet someone who’s a kissass who’s always eager to please you with compliments or fake smiles, stay away from them. A truthful person may seem harsh, but they say things the way they see it. Excessively friendly people almost always have ulterior motives that are selfish.
#8 A selfish friend or lover never commits to anything unless they can get some benefit or favor out of it. They would never do anything selflessly for your benefit.
#9 A selfish person always has a carefree attitude and takes nothing seriously. Even when you talk about how hurt you feel, they make you feel stupid for making a big deal out of nothing.
#10 Selfish people are liars and manipulators. They never want to apologize because they think you’re beneath them. Instead, they resort to lies. [Read: 15 types of toxic relationships to watch out for]
5 steps to stop a selfish person from hurting you
A selfish person can hurt you a lot and leave you on the floor, feeling miserable and wretched. But there are ways to regain your strength and stop a selfish person from hurting you. Read these 5 steps and use them to stop a selfish person from hurting you.
#1 Realization. This is the hardest step, and as much as this friend or lover means to you, you need to ask yourself if you’re being used in the relationship. If you feel like you’re doing all the giving while the other person only takes, big chances are, you’re being used in the relationship. Learn to see the signs and more importantly, learn to accept it when you think you’re being used.
#2 Detachment. If you’re not happy in a relationship, you’d definitely feel miserable all the time. It’s not easy to break away from a selfish person, especially when they mean so much to you. Confronting or breaking away won’t help you, because this selfish person may not care whether you exist and that would hurt you more.
Instead, learn to detach yourself slowly, a little more with each passing day. As you start the detachment step, you’d be more aware and you’d see this person’s selfish side even more clearly. And that’ll give you the strength to move away soon. [Read: The 80 20 rule in relationships and your love life]
#3 Retain your personality. Don’t change overnight. If you change overnight, your selfish mate may walk away from you the next morning and that would hurt you more and leave you feeling weaker.
On the other hand, this selfish person may realize that you’re starting to stand up for yourself and in the fear of losing you, they may start to show more affection to you just to change you back to the meek old self. Don’t fall for that ploy. Pretend like you’re still the same person, but within yourself, start the change to become a stronger you.
#4 Replicate their behavior. When you feel like you have the strength to stand up for yourself and face the situation, let your selfish lover or friend see themselves in you. Replicate their behavior, and start behaving just like they do. Try to use them or be fake, just like this selfish person. It’s time they get a taste of their own medicine.
By doing this, it would help you in two ways. It will help you get back at this selfish person. And at the same time, it will help you see for yourself how you were being manipulated by this person.
#5 Drift away. Selfish people never change. They just look for someone to use, and quite frankly, they can’t help it themselves. So if you’re in a relationship with a selfish someone, don’t try to change them. It will never work. Get back at them by behaving just like how they would behave with you, and whenever you feel like you’ve got your vengeance and have the strength to move, walk away for good.
You can’t build a relationship with selfish people who don’t have the ability to love you or care for you ever. So really, why bother?
We’re trying hard to create better relationships in the world.
But we can’t do it without YOU!
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