Do you fear rejection when asking a girl out? Read on to improve your confidence in meeting and dating your dream partner.
A fear of rejection is an irrational anxiety to the potential of being rejected. It often stops you from taking a desired action; such as talking to that girl in the park, or asking a girl out.
You really want to go through with it. Maybe you psyched yourself up in preparation, but the anxiety takes over and it never feels like the right time. This leaves you annoyed with yourself and disappointed you were too scared to go after what you wanted.
We may rationalize that it was justified. There were too many people who could overhear, or she looked busy. Unfortunately, while this makes us feel better in the moment, it only leaves us feeling worse after the fact, as we see the opportunity slip away. [Read: The top 9 reasons why many men get rejected by the girl they like]
Where does the fear of rejection come from?
It is a natural emotion. Humans are social creatures and a fear of social rejection is built deep into our psyche. We fear being alone or losing something that we have. These emotions are much stronger and more visceral than the opposing desire to gain something.
It is completely normal to take the safe route and not jeopardize our social position and the way people perceive us. Often it is more comfortable to remain mildly dissatisfied with our dating life, than it is to risk the pain and embarrassment of rejection. [Read: How to beat the debilitating, awful fear of rejection]
Recognizing the fear of rejection
We feel the fear of rejection in many areas of our lives, not just dating. Asking for a raise at work for example. However, it is most common in our dating lives.
You feel anxious. Your heart races, body tenses, and hands become clammy. Your mind races with reasons not to go ahead. You imagine everything that could go wrong and often go completely blank on what you wanted to say.
Every potential word or movement you could make is scrutinized in your mind and it all feels wrong. You cannot find the right words, the right time or the right way to go about it. Here’s how to overcome some of your fears and ask a girl out.
#1 Remember it’s normal to fear rejection. Fearing rejection is very normal. It is a common and natural reaction most people experience. That does not mean it remains your only option. You can overcome your fear of rejection.
When you do so, honestly, you won’t be normal. You will be abnormal, in a good way. Most people are not millionaires. Most people are not pro athletes. Most people do not overcome their fear of rejection. [Read: How to learn from the fear of rejection]
#2 You need to recognize two key points. First, you have a fear of rejection. Second, this fear is irrational. We tend to move away from potential pain, preferring to stay firmly in our comfort zone.
To overcome the fear of rejection, embrace being uncomfortable. You understand the irrational fear you can overcome, and the consequences of rejection are minimal to nonexistent, beyond the immediate emotional shock.
#3 Exposure therapy. The quickest and most effective way to overcome a fear of rejection and ask a girl out is simply through exposure therapy. Get rejected a bunch of times and realize the world doesn’t end.
It will be painful in the beginning and feel completely unnatural, but trying to avoid it, doing mental gymnastics, and finding reasons to put it off is in itself just the fear of rejection taking over.
This works precisely because the fear of rejection is irrational. If you do not go through with the desired action, you are in exactly the same place as if you do so and get rejected. You are in essence rejecting yourself, before giving someone else the opportunity to.
Of course, it feels more comfortable and easier to rationalize not doing it. Face the short-term emotions—the pain of the rejection, to move beyond it. After that initial wave of emotion, the reality is, you are the same as if you had avoided taking the action at all. That’s the downside anyway. The upside? Maybe you won’t be rejected! [Read: How to confess your affections for a girl and not get rejected]
#4 Realize the anticipation of rejection is much worse than rejection. Even if you experience rejection, it is never as bad as you build it up to be in your mind beforehand. The fear is worse than the reality.
Only through repetition do you start to tone down the fear. The more you prove to yourself that it is okay and life goes on without any significant pain, the less intense the fear becomes.
#5 What’s the worst that could happen? Sometimes it is the simplest things that help us. Ask yourself this question—what’s the worst that could happen?
#6 Remember it is probably not personal. We tend to think if we are rejected, there is something wrong with us. We are ugly, too fat, or a loser. Maybe we just think it is because we did something wrong in the way we approached, how we asked, or the timing. Fact is, often, it is nothing to do with you. Such as, she may be in a relationship or still in love with her ex. [Read: Don’t walk away! How to ask a girl for her phone number]
#7 Things to remember if it is personal. Sometimes, for whatever reason, someone you like is just not interested in you. Not everything is meant to be. If someone doesn’t share the same feelings as you, it was not destined to happen. Now you know and can move on.
For every person who rejects you, there will be someone else who does like you. You have value as a human being and there will be someone who appreciates it. Every time someone doesn’t, you are one step closer to finding someone who does. Really, a failure has no lasting consequences. Nothing beyond the short term emotional hit your ego takes.
The more you get comfortable with the potential of rejection, the more you will be able to go after what you want, to approach the person you fancy, to ask for the date or to move things forwards in your relationship.
#8 Earn it. We live in a society used to receiving everything instantly. We no longer work to get food, shelter, or basic amenities. Technological progress makes life better for all of us. But it comes with the downside; we rarely must work for anything.
This leaves us feeling entitled. We shy away from working for things which are hard. Who says we should just fall head over heels in love with our soul mate at the first attempt? It takes time and effort to find the person we want to be with and inevitably involves some rejection. It is all part of the journey. Embrace it.
Overcome your fear of rejection of asking a girl out, through understanding its irrationality and basic exposure therapy and repetition. Recognize nothing negative really happens and the pain dulls and eventually goes away.
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