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Barechestedness: 14 Scenarios Where It’s Totally Unsexy on Men

Barechestedness

There is no double standard when it comes to men and women and barechestedness. Rules of decency apply to both sexes, do us a favor and follow them.

Okay, so I wrote an article about the things that I love about men a while back and one of them was barechestedness. A point all on its own that I didn’t think needed ANY explanation. But, I feel like it is now time to explain a certain point about barechestedness that I may have been negligent in sharing, and perhaps led some men down the wrong path.

Yes, there is something so amazing and comforting about having a bad or long day, and laying down on your man’s bare chest at night. Like finding home, when you love a man, laying your head on their chest is awesome.

But, that doesn’t necessarily mean that barechestedness, in general, is something that women can’t get enough of. We can.

Barechestedness rules to follow

There are rules to barechestedness that for the sake of all humankind men should adhere to. You don’t have to be an Abercrombie model for it to be a good look, but there are some qualities that make for not-so-good scenery.

Take heart; it isn’t about the packaging to us. It is about what is inside. But, if you have these qualities then you should keep yourself inside your shirt and forego the barechested look.

#1 Your love handles are anything but lovely. If you look like you have an inner tube stretching around your midsection, then it isn’t a good look to run around without a shirt on. You might think there is a double standard and that only guys stand around judging, but girls can be even more vicious. Trust me. [Read: 12 benefits of exercise on your mind, body, and libido]

#2 Your breast size is bigger than ours and calls for a manzier. If you should be wearing a jogging bra, then I don’t care if you have six-pack abs, save them for your significant other. We don’t all want to see the boy’s “girls.”

#3 You’re so pasty white your skin looks translucent. If you look like a science experiment gone wrong and all your veins look like they are on the outside, keep your shirt on, dude. Pasty white is one thing, which is bad enough, translucent makes you look more like ET. Hit the tanning beds or spray tan it up before you expose yourself.

#4 You are skinny enough to be an extra for the Walking Dead. And not the hunky guys, the actual walking dead. If you don’t watch the Walking Dead just picture someone who hasn’t eaten in like, well, ever. If your chest is concave, then it is time to leave the shirt on until you can fill in the holes. [Read: Feminine guys: 50 typical characteristics that make you one]

#5 You’re incredibly moley. If your body looks more like a dot-to-dot kids page then keep your shirt on. Not only do you have to be more careful about skin cancer than the rest of us, but if there is a hair coming out of one and you don’t know it, that is almost puke worthy.

#6 Your chest hair resembles a seventies living room *all shag, get it?*. I used to lay on my shag carpeting as a kid. I promise you one thing, it didn’t smell or look good. Unless you want to endure waxing, reserve yourself to cover up the rug and save it for the one you love.

#7 You have a problem with backne. Ever see that YouTube video of the girl who is excising a boil on a guy’s back? I have, and you know what? I don’t want to see it again. God forbid you expose yourself and one of those goiters pops in someone’s eye. You could blind them. Keep us all safe and keep them covered.

#8 You have a problem with body acne of any kind. Acne isn’t limited to the back, it can surround the nipples, be mixed in with the freckles *which I haven’t put on the list yet, but they’re gonna be there* and outside the belly button. Overall, if you have acne on your body either loofah it off or leave it under wraps. [Read: Why is physical attraction so important in a relationship?]

#9 You have extra large nipples, I know, it is a hard call. I say it is a hard call, but if you have large nipples, then there is no way that someone hasn’t not mentioned it to you in the locker room. If you are one of those guys whose milk looks ready to come in, leave the nursing to women and keep your shirt put.

#10 You intend to do athletic movements that make you jiggle *hint-hint, that means you jiggle*. There are different types of fat. There is the solid kind and then there is ripply. I am not a fan of either, but hey, who’s perfect? If however, when you jump up and down you hear a clapping noise, then you should probably leave your shirt on.

#11 You have a third nipple. I don’t mean to be offensive but it is a thing. There is a rumor that a celebrity who is hot as hell and a model to boot used to have one. It’s totally cool if you HAD one, and it is gone and stripped away. But if you didn’t, and it is still there then think about it, would you want to see a girl’s third nipple if you didn’t know her?

#12 You are old enough to be a Millennial’s dad or even grandfather. Unless you are one of those anomalies who still have the body of a 24-year-old, I don’t care how hot it is, how long you are running, or if you are doing yard work and don’t think anyone sees you. Unless you are invisible, we can. Hey gramps, put your shirt back on, you likely aren’t turning anyone on.

#13 You are wearing knee highs with stripes while doing it. If you run around barechested with sweat bands on your wrists, your forehead, or stripes on your socks, then I can pretty much guarantee you that you aren’t the type of guy who can pull off being barechested. It isn’t you. It is just your look that doesn’t scream “I’m too sexy for my shirt.” [Read: Dad bods: 10 lazy tips to achieve the soft and sexy look]

#14 You have too many freckles. I warned you. Enough said.

Okay, now I am really sorry and apologize if I said anything offensive. If it makes you feel any better, I am not a girl who should enter a wet t-shirt contest. If barechested women comes across my desk as a topic, then I will most certainly put my own qualities on the “don’t do it list.”

Not everyone was built with the body of Adonis. It is okay. You have super great qualities under that shirt that make you shine. Taking your shirt off and saying, “fuck it, who cares” begs for me to say “the rest of us.”

[Read: How to manscape right: 8 manscaping tips to shape it sexy]

Accent your excellent assets and keep the “not so awesome” ones under lock and key unless it is for the person you love. They want to see every inch of you, I am sure.

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Julie Keating
Julie Keating

A writer isn’t born, but created out of experiences. No lack of subject matter, my life reads more like fiction than anything that could have been imagined...

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