Backup Boyfriend: Are You Her Main Man or Just One of Her Extras?

backup boyfriend

Got the feeling your partner isn’t ride or die? Here are a few signs you’ll definitely see in your relationship if you’re the backup boyfriend.

I’ve come across lots of different types of girls. And I’ve been in situations where I was being played. I’ve even realized after a relationship ended that I was probably the backup boyfriend.

So, I want to share some insider experience that might help you avoid getting into the same situation.

First, here’s the deal

The feminine are trained from young to covertly play their options. They’ll do this while presenting a Holier Than Thou front. Ask yourself, when’s the last time you read a magazine that gives out dating/seduction tips?

Well, the feminine begin this from absurdly young ages. By comparison, guys are like lambs sent out to slaughter when it comes to the relationship game. Usually, it’s only a very confident male or older experienced guy that has a chance of not being wrapped around the thumb of feminine strategy.

It’s called hypergamy. Hypergamy basically means that the feminine keeps their sexual options open. They do this for obvious reasons: to choose the highest value sexual option available in their life. Sometimes the feminine even wait for that option even if it’s unavailable. [Read: Hypergamy – Motivation for perfection or sexist stupidity?]

Intense realism

Now, I’m not trying to demonize the feminine. I just think it’s essential to be very realistic and non-idealistic if you’re going to avoid becoming the backup boyfriend. Guys are the same in many ways. Guys also go for the most attractive choice they feel they can get.

The difference is, the average girl has FAR more options than the average guy. For this reason, guys need to develop strong skills or ‘game’ to remind their partner of what they would lose. Think about it: would you choose to stay at a lower professional grade? With longer hours and less pay/satisfaction? Would you do it just to not offend your competition?

Well likewise, traits like: height, intelligence, and physical prowess are highly sought after because they are highly inheritable. A girl invests a lot of her life and emotional capital raising offspring. So, she wants to make sure she has the best candidate to provide security, provisions, and good social standing. [Read: 15 things women look for in a man before falling for him]

With that said…

Key – ‘The Talk’

Firstly, is your partner even at this stage where they’re looking for an exclusive relationship? If you haven’t had ‘the talk’, where a decision was made that you two are exclusive, then I’d assume all bets are still on.

‘Sometimes you can meet the right person at the wrong time.’

These were wise words from the sister of one of my ex-girlfriends. There’s no use in denying reality. If your partner’s 18 and going out four nights a week with friends—and drunk texting you—you may be trying to hold onto the wind. [Read: Talking to someone about your relationship – DTR made easy]

The signs you’re the backup boyfriend

Let’s get into the signs…

#1 Does she always seem distracted? I remember being invited to see a play with a girl I’d started hanging with. It seemed like a cool surprise at the time. Sometimes she got free tickets to events because of where she worked. It was a cool play too.

After the show, we talked in the lounge. But I noticed her laughing at things I said that weren’t even remotely funny. Actually, she was barely listening. Distracted. Simply tolerating my company. Then she told me about the guy who gave her the tickets.

She looked around nervously several times. ‘Let’s wait, I want you to meet him,’ she asked me. I suddenly connected the dots. I realized she’d taken me to the play to make him jealous. I got out of there pronto with a slick excuse. Cos’ I don’t play that. [Read: How to be an alpha male: Unleash the irresistible inner you]

#2 Listen to your intuition, bro. The gut has been described as the second brain. This is because it has a strong link to the nervous system. Brain-regulating chemicals dopamine and serotonin are also present in the gut. This link between the gut and brain is why you hear advice like follow your gut.

You may also hear people say they ‘had a gut feeling.’ People have subconscious insights and feel them in their gut. This is the case for both women AND men. So PLEAAASE don’t buy into the fallacy that there is only a woman’s intuition. The feminine often use this as a way of shaming guys for using their common sense.

This shaming convention lets them women away with anything. Guys are discouraged from questioning women’s behaviors. Screw that!

If you suddenly start getting the feeling that she’s not down to ride 100% or something has changed, LISTEN to that feeling. Don’t ignore warning signs that your partner is cheating. [Read: How to tell if your girlfriend is cheating]

#3 Are they not available on the weekends? We typically work Monday to Friday—grinding and outworking the competition. Then… the weekend comes along and we get a respite. When you’re really into someone you can’t wait to spend time with them in your free time.

If your partner’s usually up to other things with other people on the weekend, when you invite them out, you’re probably not up there on their list of priorities. [Read: 10 sure signs the girl you like is just using you]

#4 Are they posting pics with another guy? Sometimes we can be straight up dummies when we’re in love. We see an obvious sign pointing us straight in the face and try to assume the best. No! Assume anything is possible and assess patterns honestly. Being blind to the truth does not help you!

Nor does it make you a good person. It makes you foolish and naïve. If there’s no obvious reason for your partner to have 100 pictures with some guy, or many different guys, then find out what’s happening.

If she’s on a dating site like Tinder or PlentyofFish—smh. Major thumbs down.

#5 Are you always wondering if she’s cheating? Some people will read my advice above *#4* and think I’m promoting paranoia. That’s not what I’m saying. In fact, if you always wonder whether your partner’s cheating then the chance of you becoming the backup boyfriend is way higher.

This is because we naturally find it repulsive when our partner is too needy, suspicious, or insecure. Neediness and insecurity are unhealthy traits. So, if it’s become the norm in how you think then you probably reveal this to your partner in subtle ways.

And you need to do something about it. If they have any sense they’ll want to find a more secure person. So be careful of sabotaging your own relationship. [Read: Sabotaging your happiness – 12 ways you can ruin your life]

#6 Does your partner get emotionally stimulated? When I broke up with one of my long-term exes it was like hitting the eye of a storm… All emotions seemed to drain from her. No reactions. No anger. Just distance and dispassionate disgust. *Disgust is a surprisingly unemotional reaction, psychologically speaking—it’s how the Nazi’s rationalized their discrimination*.

Anger, frustration, desire, joy—the full gamut of passionate emotions by your partner towards you are great, great signs of emotional investment in you. They mean that what you do or don’t do really matters to your partner. You are a priority. If you don’t trigger this emotional stimulation, it may mean someone else matters far more, if you catch my drift.

#7 Do they test you? I appreciate good competitive banter. I didn’t always used to see it that way though. This was because I didn’t understand that being challenged by my partner was a positive thing. It was her attempt to allow me to show her that I was The Man through my solid reactions.

It was also a great indicator of long-term emotional interest. Think about it this way: if you have a good investment you want to protect it. The feminine is designed to poke and prod at the masculine to ensure its integrity. In my opinion, if they don’t seem to care about how solid you are this is not a good sign. [Read: Shit test – What it is and how to successfully pass them all]

#8 Do they act ninja with their phone? If a girl I’m seeing starts to act covertly with her phone, my suspicions glow. Now, I can’t prove this sign is bad but you’d need to be a moron to not consider it as a potential warning sign. Look, if someone behaves like they got something to hide then maybe they do.

#9 Do their behaviors say something else? That last point leads me to this subheading. This one’s so key that I want to write this whole section in ALL CAPS. But I won’t cos I love you…

People will talk a good game just to get their way. I can’t begin to tell you how naïve I was to this fact as a kid/young adult. Now however, I take it as a service to #self-respect and #truth to watch how someone is actually behaving separate from their words.

If you’re very agreeable in your personality, then you may be more vulnerable to verbal deception. You probably don’t want to be accused of being an asshole. Screw that! Every guy needs to know how important it is to clock behaviors over words. And the feminine is notorious for saying one thing and doing another. It’s called ‘a woman’s prerogative.’

Problem is, this society celebrates that lack of responsibility. It becomes a woman’s suit of armor to say one thing and act another way. It’s like saying ‘I will deceive you, but this is my right.’ This is partly because psychologically truth, for a woman, depends on how they feel in the moment. Rather than the reality of facts. [Read: What is benching? 17 signs you’re being strung along right now]

This goes deep. For example, she may have another guy but feel justified deep in her belly. So, to her, she’s doing nothing wrong. Your job is to separate her words from her behaviors and judge her based mainly on this. Ignore this fundamental rule at your own peril. [Read: Be careful who you trust: How to beware of backstabbers]

#10 Do their friends act strange around you? If your partner’s friends act weird around you, watch out, for example, if they seem guilty, awkward, or dismissive when they meet you. The feminine talk and gossip a lot. In detail. They might know something about your partner’s love life that you don’t.

[Read: 15 signs a girl is leading you on and taking you nowhere]

The feminine can feel justified to have multiple partners or options for lots of reasons. Your best weapon is to cultivate strong pure awareness to reality and don’t end up being the backup boyfriend.

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Dexter Pickett
Dexter Pickett
Dex is half werewolf. When not in the full of moonlight he writes, makes music and mentors. After clocking over-time on London’s streets and clubs with his al...
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