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12 Reasons Why the No Contact Rule Always Works

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It’s tempting to stay in touch with an ex that you still love. But here are 12 reasons why you need to remember the no contact rule and follow it. By Amelie Lee

no contact rule

Friendship can turn into love.

But can love ever turn into friendship?

Someone once said it can.

And it’s true. But all you need to do is avoid that ex lover of yours for a few years!

[Read: Things to know before becoming friends with your ex]

A break up always leaves us in a confused state of mind.

On one hand, we’re hurting because we’ve lost a big piece of our heart to someone else.

And on the other hand, we still want to stay in touch with the same person that broke our heart and walked all over it!

No wonder it’s been said that love is sweet misery.

We want something so bad even though we know all it’ll do is hurt us more.

It’s understandable that you want to stay in touch with your ex.

But sometimes, avoiding all contact with an ex is possibly the best thing to do, even if staying in touch feels like a wonderful consolation prize to win after a breakup.

[Read: I miss him but I don't think he misses me]

What is the no contact rule?

The no contact rule is a great rule that’s been passed on through the ages, or so I believe.

It’s a rule where exes stay as exes and never become friends.

Both exes who were once completely in love with each other now avoid each other purposefully and greet each other with awkward smiles like distant acquaintances when they invariably bump into each other.

It sounds harsh, but well, that’s what the no contact rule is all about.

Why is the no contact rule a wise choice?

There are two kinds of endings to every relationship, a happy ending and a sad one.

If both of you decide to part ways because there’s no real love in the romance anymore, it’s a happy ending *wow, the irony of it all!*.

If you’re still in love with your lover, and yet, your lover arm twists you into a breakup because they don’t care about you anymore or are dating someone else, then that’s a sad ending for you and probably a happy ending for your soon-to-be-ex.

If your breakup ends with a happy ending for you, then the no contact rule will be meaningless to you, because you’re probably in another relationship or enjoying the single life anyway. [Read: 16 signs your ex still loves you and wants you back]

But if you’re the one left nursing a broken heart in your lonely room while your current ex flits and jumps from one happy facebook picture to the next, then the no contact rule definitely applies to you.

How to follow the no contact rule

Know this, the person who cares enough to desperately try and stay as friends with their ex wants to stay friends only because they’re still in love with their ex. [Read: Are you still in love with your ex?]

If you’re having a hard time moving on from the break up, you need to realize that the only reason you’re still hurt and miserable is because you want your ex back in your arms. Even if you don’t want to date your ex again, the fact that you’re hurting means you feel empty in your heart and want more love in your life.

The more you’re in touch with your ex, the more you’d realize just how empty your heart is with no love in it.

The best way to disconnect emotionally and heal the hole in your heart is by avoiding your ex completely. It’ll help you move on without having to constantly remember just how lonely you are each time you see your ex flirting with someone else.

Resist the temptation to stay in touch or call your ex just to say hello. Don’t spend your idle hours searching online frantically for any new pictures or any news of their new relationship status. And for crying out loud, avoid looking for ways to bump into them just so you can shake hands or exchange a warm-but-awkward hug. [Read: Things to know before you google your ex's name]

If you’re hurting inside after the break up, you really need to follow the no contact rule and avoid your current ex completely. It’s the only way you can ever bring that natural smile back on your face again.

12 reasons why the no contact rule is the best choice

Are you still uncertain about the fact that the no contact rule is the best way to overcome your ex? Here are 12 good reasons why the no contact rule has to be your best friend for now.

#1 You can’t move on. You can’t move on if you’re stuck in the same spot in your love life. As long as you stay around your ex, you’ll constantly remember how much you miss your relationship. Only when you take an emotional step away will you be able to look around and find new things to fill that emptiness you feel in your heart.

#2 Your feelings will always be rekindled. If you’ve been dumped by someone you still love or even if you’ve parted ways mutually, the relationship status changes overnight, but your feelings for your ex won’t be able to keep pace with it. If you meet your ex all the time, there’s a big chance that you’ll end up falling in love with them, even if they’ve moved on. [Read: 10 things to do after a break up to feel better immediately]

#3 Focus on the healing. It’s easier to focus on the healing when you don’t have to keep staring at that annoyingly perfect face of your ex. Memories have a sneaky way of cropping up each time you see your ex. And the more you see your ex, the harder it’ll be to stop loving them.

#4 You’d be more forgiving. Your ex may be a selfish person who only has their own interests in mind. If your ex cheated on you or dumped you to date someone else, and all of a sudden, they decide to come back to you, you can’t stop yourself from accepting their apology when you’re always in touch with them.

After a break up, all your heart wants is someone to fill the emptiness in it. Don’t be around your selfish ex or you’ll end up hurting yourself again some other day.

#5 You can’t fall in love with someone else. When you disregard the no contact rule and stay in touch with your ex, you’d feel like it’s morally wrong to date someone else. And even when you’re trying to find someone or something else to distract you, the thought of your break up will always linger in your mind, making you feel uneasy and miserable all the time. [Read: How to use a rebound relationship to get over a breakup]

#6 Your life is cluttered with broken memories. You need new memories and experiences that doesn’t involve your ex if you ever want to get back up on your feet and sense a sliver of happiness again. The more you see your ex, the more you’ll remember the old times.

#7 The dreaded on-off relationship. When two exes ignore the no contact rule and stay in touch, almost all the time, they end up getting back together because they’re both lonely and need a relationship to feel complete.

Even before you realize it, both of you may end up getting back together in the heat of a private moment when no one’s around. And if a relationship isn’t really meant to be because of so many different expectations, you may end up experiencing an on-off relationship which will hurt you a lot more, and leave you feeling worse than ever before. [Read: Questions to ask yourself to find out if you should date your ex again]

#8 You can’t be yourself around you ex again… ever. Let’s face it, a breakup changes everything about the relationship. You can’t just wrap your ex in your arms or kiss them goodbye when you feel like it. There will always be an awkwardness in the air unless both of you are completely over each other. Can you really handle the awkwardness all the time? Is staying friends with your ex worth more than your peace of mind?

#9 An ex’s touch leaves you more vulnerable than ever. When you’re in a relationship with someone, there’s bound to be a lot of sexual chemistry in the relationship. But after you break up with them, there’s a complete restriction on the things you used to do with them, sexually or romantically.

And when any activity becomes a taboo or a restriction, it ends up becoming an addiction because you want it more badly than ever before. If you’re still in love with your ex, every single touch or a goodbye hug could end up electrifying the air with sexual tension. And you’d feel more pained each time you touch each other. [Read: Do you want to have sex with your ex again?]

#10 You’d get hurt if you stay in touch. This is especially true if your ex has already moved on. Each time you try to get warm with them or try to remind them about those special times both of you shared, your ex may just call you nasty names or walk away with an annoyed expression on their face. And there you’d be, standing all alone with a broken heart that’s filled with helpless humiliation.

#11 Sad frustrations. Even watching your ex flirt with someone, or staring at a few happy pictures of your ex on facebook hugging someone else can annoy you. And the worst part, not a single person in the world would truly understand what you feel at that moment. You’re all alone and miserable, all because you decided to stay in touch and avoid the no contact rule. [Read: How to let go of someone you love by hating them]

#12 You’re missing a piece of your heart. A piece of your heart is missing because you’ve given it away to your ex. And let’s face it, after the break up, you can never get it back.

You need your space to either let your heart heal or have it filled with love from another person. Staying connected will always remind you of that gaping hole inside you, and it’ll never heal as long as you’re constantly around the person who took it away from you in the first place. [Read: 10 steps to get over your romance with a happy memory]

Trust the no contact rule

You love your ex, and you can’t ever imagine not talking to them or seeing them every day. Your heart hurts, and you feel lost without them in your arms. But you know what, unfortunately for you, you really have no choice here.

You can’t heal your heart unless you walk away. It’s a miserable and pathetic feeling, but your shattered heart will heal sooner than you think. All you need to do is give your heart a safe chance to heal itself by avoiding the person who breaks your heart every time they walk into your life.

[Read: How to love again after being hurt by someone]

The no contact rule is very hard to follow. But for your own happiness, you need to learn to deal with your addiction. It won’t be easy to avoid someone you love so much, but a few months down the lane of lost love and you’ll realize that this was the best decision, after all.


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Have your say!
  • Brendah
    August 20, 2012 | Permalink |

    Thank you so much for this article! This feels so true and it really helped me understand why my heartbreaks always outlasted the actual time of relationship. Just the insight I needed, thank you for this gem :)

  • Anonymous
    October 30, 2012 | Permalink |

    Still working on that!

  • Sandy
    November 16, 2012 | Permalink |

    It hurts so much. I know the no contact rule is the only way to get over an ex. I mean, going cold turkey is the only way to get over someone you love. But it’s so hard.

    I see my ex all the time. I can’t help looking at my ex’s facebook page. And each time I get to know from a friend that my ex was in my neighborhood with our common friends, I feel like tearing my heart out because I miss him so much and want to get a glimpse of him. I cry so hard, and I’m so tired of fighting my feelings for him. I love him, and I know the no contact rule will help me. But it’s just so hard. I’m so so helpless, I’m crying even as I’m writing this…

  • ken
    November 24, 2012 | Permalink |

    It just hurt so much, I’m still in love with my ex but I just cant stand her flirtatiousness with every one she find hot…

    Guess I have to do a clean up since everywhere around me are memories…
    Thanks for the great post… definitely gonna apply this rule from now on……….

  • moon
    December 13, 2012 | Permalink |

    Yes it hurts so much. My ex-boyfriend gave up on me with a new woman. I cried every single night and missed all the beautiful times we had together. I love him so much, he was my first love.

    I didn’t contact him after the break up, and he texted me one week after and asked how am I doing…I just sent a short reply. Then no contact after his first reply.

    I am moving on, trying to accept it and forgive him as I want to be good friends with him.

  • December 28, 2012 | Permalink |

    I’m in week 6 of a break up. Believe me, it does get easier, each day. It now comes in waves instead of floods. I knew it wasn’t right for years but I kept hoping things would change….just kidding myself. Trust your gut instinct ……….accept it for what it was……everything happens for a reason…

  • uypoi
    January 6, 2013 | Permalink |

    what rubbish! lists like these are an insult to my intelligence, and even more, an insult to my character. exes should always be friends if they are able to behave like mature adults. anything less is simply immaturity and weakness!

  • Giorgio
    January 9, 2013 | Permalink |

    With all due respect, I humbly beg to differ. I am fairly certain you know the “no contacte rule” which was first explained to me by a young student who I counselled when I came to America to teach at University, does not merely not “always” work; it rarely provides the hoped-for reconciliation.

    Almost universally, I have found it is a last depsperate attempt by a man or woman to breathe life into a relationship that is moribund. At the same time, it incurrs a great risk few consider:

    Most people are part of a social circles and despite the feigned indifference of someone who has seen their partner break off a relationship, it is not uncommon for the following conversation to take place:

    Maria: Have you seen, Antony lately.
    Vincent: Yes.
    Maria: How is he.
    Vincent: Devastated. He speaks of you incessantly and rarely goes out.

    Far more likely to have your former partner rethink leaving you would be to have this conversation within 24 hours after the blow:

    Her: I have to tell you something. I’ve met someone else. I can’t be with you any more.

    (And here you must ACT!)

    You: (Gently, with understanding). I was beginning to think as much and I want to thank you for telling me. You needn’t worry. It will be for the best. Perhaps he can give you the love I couldn’t and because of your honesty, now I am free to find someone who can give me what I need.

    (Do you see what you have done. You have told her a simple, profound truth that she would never have guessed but that is obvious by the fact that she has left you: you need something more, just as she does.)

    You (again): There is so much about you I adore and now I can do so without possessiveness, attempts to control you, or jealousy. I shall call you in a few weeks to see how you are getting on–and if isn’t making you the happiest girl on earth, he’ll have to answer to me!”

    (She could tell you not to call. then merely say, “As you wish. Be good to yourself as you were good to me. Goodbye.”)

    Then in a week or so, start small. Ask an opposite friend (outside of your inner circle ) to lunch or coffee. It doesn’t matter if you find her especially attractive. You are sending a message:

    “I am looking for another.”

    How different would this conversation sound to her!

    Maria: Have you seen Antony, lately?
    Vincent: Yes.
    Maria: How is he?
    Vincent: Oh, he mentions you from time to time. Tells us about some of the funny things you did together but I think he’s been seeing Anna.

    If your goal is to reduce the pain, “no contact” might deliver. On the other hand, if you want to be known as a man who is understanding, gets knocked down but gets right back up, is gentle, and life-affirming, forget “no-contact:” . I have counselled many people hurt badly by the loss of love.

    Fact: You can move on the moment you realize that if he or she left you, milions have experienced such a loss and even working in the same office, have.

    Fact: The common myth is that we choose who we love; that person is not thrust upon us. You can choose not to love that person. His or her mere presence need not kep you their puppet.

    Fact: You can forgive a perosn who you see everyday. Forgiveness has no conditions. If it depends on distance or something else, it’s not forgiveness.

    I’ll stop here: the 12 reasons are the author’s own. They are not consistent with the stories of so many people I have talked with.

    Apply the “no contract rule” if you feel so inclined but I leave you with this one question: where is the proof behind these 12 rules that elevate the “no contact rule” to the status of Holy Writ, unfallible and essential to find the love we alll deserve simply because we are alive.

  • Beth
    February 8, 2013 | Permalink |

    I agree that, while not necessarily for everyone, sometimes the no contact rule is best. My ex and I tried to stay friends after our break up, which was the result if us not wanting the same things specifically children (I wanted kids, he did not). We saw each other pretty regularly due to shared activities and friends. The problem arose that although he technically ended it, he would still stay in touch almost daily and if I became distant or tried to establish boundaries he would keep asking why. He would still flirt with me and tell me he missed me.

    After several months we ended up hooking up, only for me to find out after that he had actually been seeing someone new for months. I am not proud of it but we continued to hook up because I still loved him and he said he still wanted to be with me, he just couldn’t because of the kid thing.

    Things got messy and I got hurt when he stayed with his girlfriend despite everything he said to me. I finally realized that no contact was the only way out, so I blocked all contact with him. It was painful but neither of us seemed capable of handling being “friends”.

  • Veraciously Sound
    February 18, 2013 | Permalink |

    I read comments men and women have left on different articles about the no contact rule, I just want to give you a different perspective from the side of the dumper. I started dating a girl I somewhat knew for nine months. In that time she, admittedly but not without having some type of evidence on my part, cheated on me twice. I unwisely stayed with her but never worked out the problems we had. You see, the no contact rule would have allowed us both time to think, to let the hurt fade, and allow us to figure out how to deal with the problems. She refused and was worried that I would leave her, I wasn’t strong enough to just make the command decision. Having never worked through this and having never cheated on her, I found myself pulling away, refusing to give her my heart, waiting for her to cheat again. One day I ended it. She went crazy… almost 100 texts in one day, 40 some missed calls, around 20 messages of her crying as if she had been stabbed or something. Her persistence only turned me off. My thought process was I had givin her my all and I had no more patience to wait for her to cheat again. No matter what I said to her it wasn’t good enough. Then one day she stopped everything and was gone. I started to wonder where she was, what she was doing. I missed her but knew I needed to work out my issues. I eventually contacted her and she lied to me about everything she was doing. We started to spend time together but it was different, she didn’t have the interest to see me as much. Eventually I found out she was involved in a rebound relationship and was stringing me along as a secondary backup. The last day I spoke with her (and decided to resort to no contact on my part) I told her that I had just gotten a job offer from a job that she knew I had been waiting for. I told her I knew of the other guy and said goodbye. I didn’t lie to get even, I left her with the truth. She could have kept me, I would have returned to her even after all she had done to me. Her no contact did work, but it wasn’t for the reason she was doing it. Pursing a guy that has broken up with you will only hurt your chances. Every decision you make will be bad. Time apart must be there. If you don’t allow that then the ultimate outcome is your loss. As for the men, Once I committed to letting go, it was hard… but I filled my time with my son, cleaning, working out and my new career. The first few days were hard, learning how to forget her in every memory I had, but it helped to talk to friends and family, to keep busy and a lot of working out. Anything to numb the pain. Every day that passed by was a victory… and I was proud of myself. I hurt but I also was determined to leave her behind. Her efforts to come back are of no avail. She hurts but she can’t blame me for what she has done. As for me, I have all I have ever wanted now… and I am still single but I don’t really want to just jump into any relationship again. Even though you don’t believe it, you must let go, even if you want her back… Once you are mentally in a good place, this will all make sense.

  • Empty
    February 21, 2013 | Permalink |

    It’s been 8 months, and she’s still all i think about…all no contact except for a few weeks after the breakup when I tried to get her to reconsider. She never told me anything was wrong, even when I asked. I feel so empty and abandoned, I was more than willing to work on things, but she wouldn’t even consider it. She played the part of the perfect girlfriend for 2 years, then suddenly left with no explanation. When I tried to get her back she said horrible things to me and accused of things that weren’t even true, she never once talked to me like that when we were together…I didn’t know she was capable of saying such hurtful things. It’s like the her whole persona that I knew was just a front, I can’t beleive how wrong I was about her, or how good she was at pretending to be someone else. Wow…a hard knock 28 year life and nothing could ever break me, except a weak little girl.

  • Ruthie
    February 22, 2013 | Permalink |

    When should I break the no contact rule?

    My ex boyfriend and I dated, lived together, broke up, and got back together many times in the past 6 years. We had some problems, but he did a 360 degree turnaround. After he moved out, we remained friends and we always fooled around, but didn’t label anything. I always liked him and we grew incredibly close and inseparable, but my heart didn’t skip a beat for him. In other words, I didn’t feel “in love” with him like I did with my ex husband. He was like an old pair of jeans that you don’t want to throw away. He met someone around 6 weeks ago and she wants to be exclusive with him. They like each other, but they’re not in love. It was at that time that I knew I loved him with all my heart. I lost 18 lbs, couldn’t eat, sleep, etc. and have constant anxiety. He waited for me for 3 years to hear those words again. He actually spends more time with me than with her.

    We slept together several times during the past 6 weeks (he said he only slept with her once). The sex is finally the way I wanted it to be since he took the time to get to know my body. Sad irony, though. Is it too late for us? I have used the no contact rule and changed my entire outlook on this. It has made him mad with jealousy. He keeps calling and texting me throughout the day. My doctor told me I should continue to use the no contact rule until I get what I want, which is for him to drop the other woman. Unfortunately, he said he has “no reason” to drop the other woman. She’s nice and she didn’t do anything wrong. Meanwhile, he says he can’t live without me and we have a bond and he can’t throw away 6 years out the window.

    I know in my heart that he still cares for me, but that’s not good enough. He needs to experience what life will be like without me there every day communicating with me. He’s making me feel guilty for not wanting to be friends with him. I told him that it’s too painful to be friends and that if he decides to give the relationship another try, I’ll be here. He thinks that it will be too late and I’ll meet someone else.

    I know he’s sincere because he called out sick 3 days in a row to be with me, but how do I get him to leave the other woman, if at all? How often should I respond to his messages? What should I say?

  • Ruth Moros
    February 28, 2013 | Permalink |

    Please disregard my previous comment. My ex left the woman he was dating. He wasn’t that into her and she was somewhat of a nag. We are happily and slowly reconciling. Kudos to the no contact rule!

  • Ruth Moros
    February 28, 2013 | Permalink |

    My ex and I reconciled a few days ago! Looking forward to a bright future together.

  • hazel
    March 2, 2013 | Permalink |

    I would date someone else but keep him on the side..let him taste his own medicine.

  • Ruthie
    March 7, 2013 | Permalink |

    About a week later, he broke it off with the other woman and later admitted that he wanted it to work but I was constantly on his mind. My doctor told me to give him an ultimatum and just let him go. It would give him time to think about missing me. In only a few days, we began to reconcile and we are now rebuilding our relationship.

  • Brittany
    March 18, 2013 | Permalink |

    I just deleted my ex boyfriend’s cell phone number from my phone. It’s time to move on and let go.

  • Lady
    March 21, 2013 | Permalink |

    The no contact rule works! He needed space after 5 years. I chased him around with phone calls and texts and I pleaded and begged. Nothing worked. Then I applied the no contact rule and within two days he called me and started to come around with his emotions. It was like a switch was flipped. We aren’t exactly back together but its nice to know he still wants me in his life. We will see. But if you apply the rule it can work in both ways. One-he will miss you and the second- you start to heal. It hurts but give it a try.

  • Nikki
    March 29, 2013 | Permalink |

    I met a guy last spring while on a girls trip…within a few months, we were exclusively dating, and I was madly in love…I still am! I found out over time that he had some serious baggage from his last relationship, and he eventually ended it. I cried and was nauseous, and sad, and it was 100% awful. I started no contact, and he texted me once, and we both made some small talk, and left it at that. About two months after we broke up, I texted him just to say hi, and we texted for a bit, then both moved on, as we’re both pretty busy anyway. We randomly started texting occasionally, though nothing serious.

    Well, last week, a mutual friend invited me out…and guess who showed up!?!? The EX! He heard I was coming out, so he made it a point to be there…I’m glad I was looking hot ;-). We hung out until the wee hours of the morning, and had a great time…just like before. At the end of the night, he said that he’d like to meet for lunch, and for me to let him know when I’m ready. Then he checked in to make sure I got home ok, and we texted a bit a few days later.

    What I’m saying is NO CONTACT WORKS! It sucks, it’s hard, and terrible. BUT, I took the last few months to work on myself, got lots of manicures, started Zumba class, and volunteered a bit. I really thought that when I saw him for the first time, that I’d come undone. I didn’t though, because I realized that my life is mashed potatoes (which are awesome, btw), and that he was just the gravy on top…a little better, but I don’t need it. I’m thinking that Wednesday is the day I’m gonna mention the lunch meeting that he suggested…we’ll see what happens. I know now hat I can go on without him, so I’m ok either way. And, by using the NC rule, even if things don’t work out the second time, I get to walk away with my dignity and know that there’s no possibility for me to be the crazy ex-girlfriend :-)

    Seriously, trust the system!

  • Mike
    April 6, 2013 | Permalink |

    The NC rule is more for you to move on with your life. In over a year I was dumped by my girlfriend we were together for 7yrs and we were engaged. I tried the no contact and we still haven’t spoken. I moved on and met someone else she was great, but she broke up with me also. Again I’m doing the no contact. It’s been a month and it’s hard but I know I’ll move on. I have no hopes that we will get together. It doesn’t happen they leave you for a reason and nothing you can do will change that, but this is the time to improve your self and look to the future. Hurt, cry, ask yourself why is all part of the healing process. I hate you use the cliche but time will heal all wounds

  • Nicolas
    April 8, 2013 | Permalink |

    I started dating my girlfriend dec 2011. I meet her at work and her coworker recommend her . Her friend said she was single and looking for realashion. She did not tell me about her kids except next march. I was ok with that we dated till April then I had to travel for 2 weeks . She was I think vulnerable that 2 weeks were her ex came back and start to contact her . I came back obligees and she accept. She did not tell me about get ex untill October where here was thee at her birthday and I was not invited . 2 weeks after she admit she has feeling for both of us . I disagree and ask her not to contact me. She refused and kept contact me . I ea valuable in love with her and we had sex allot but she was hiding something which I was feeling. Broke off 3 times because of her niglect and insecurity or disrespect. Last march I went to her house found it so clean and she seem to be waiting for some friends. When I went out I found a car that was waiting for me to leave then one guy step out and enter her house .. I was shocked confused feeling bad .she admit later that she slept with him . I left and contact her to break it up 2 days after but she refuse to talk to me. I was clingy wanted clearly to meet her up in public place to end this totally . She avoided me like crazy . In a week she answered my phone and I asked to come to her house for 5 min at the door to tell her I love her but when I went she refuse to one for me the door. Even her mom dose refused. I left and find her sending me email saying sorry and she hurts me tremendously but she said she had problems and need time to heal them and I needed a space . I waited a week then I asked her not to contact me ever again. Now for 2 months but I still love her. Her Facebook private and I know nothing about her . What should I do to get her back

  • April 10, 2013 | Permalink |

    When you are dealing with a completely different human being than yourself, you have to understand that there are no gimmicks, tricks, and/or games. You were dumped for a reason and no book, strategy, or principle in this world can guarantee that you will get back together with this person. I am not a fan of games and I have always told people to follow their hearts; however, there are a few things that you should know: 1) No matter how hard you try, you cannot force a person to take you back; 2) The person that broke up with you may be in a vulnerable position and would like to think things through and as such, you should respect her/his space, and 3) No matter what happens you need to focus on yourself now. There is absolutely nothing good that will come out of you dwelling on the past, chasing your ex, texting your ex, or calling your ex. The past, is well, the past and it should stay in the past. If and I repeat if at some point in the future your ex decides to contact you or by chance you bump into each other and eventually rekindle, if you are one of the lucky ones that receives this second chance at bliss then by all means make sure that you have corrected the errors of your ways. Take this break up time serious to become a better person and empower yourself. If however, your ex never contacts you and decides to date someone else, then wish them well, hope they have a wonderful life and by no means revert to the person you were prior to the break up. Rather, better yourself and continue to move forward becoming the best person you can be for the next relationship.

    Everyone is different, everyone is molded by different experiences and no matter how good you may have been to your ex or think you were does not guaranty that your ex will run back to your arms after a definite period of time. For now, do not focus on getting your ex back, rather focus on yourself. You are single now and are no longer with this person, if they want and need space, the best thing to do is give them such. Attempting to contact them or contacting them will simply make you look weaker in their eyes and will further hurt any chance you may have of getting them back later.

  • Jay G
    April 14, 2013 | Permalink |

    First of all I think the best advice on this thread is from Gaffo A, I was in a relationship, an amazing relationship with an amazing girl. She was eighteen when we met and I was thirty four, we had a great story and the most incredible four years together, as time went on our age difference became more and more of an issue for the simple reason that we were in different places in our lives. I would have been happy to wait until I was in my late forties for children and marriage so it was never like there was any pressure there, when we split it hit both of us very hard. I made the huge mistake of not respecting her requests for space and in the consequent month I wrote letters, emails, tweets and facebook messages and ultimately ended up pushing her away. I ended up laying out all the reasons for why we shouldn’t be together whilst thinking that I was manipulating the situation towards a reconciliation. The no contact rule should not be directed towards getting your ex back but getting YOU back, you need to identify the difference between love and need. The penny finally dropped for me when during a heated telephone conversation my EX told me I was not the man she fell in love with and she was right, even being seventeen years my younger she was far smarter than I was. If you invest all your energies into a desperate hope for reconciliation you will remain stagnant and will remain the person that your EX left behind. Love is hugely complex and everyones situation different, you must first forgive yourself and start to love yourself before your heart will be open to letting someone new into your life and if it so happens that in the future a friendship or even a reconciliation with your EX is on the cards there is no amount of stratigising or planning that will make that happen. If they text you asking how you are say that it was really nice to hear from them but your not quite ready to begin chatting to them again, don’t attach false hope to any contact they may just be feeling a little guilt because they were the ones who ended the relationship. Be nice but let them know that you need a little more time before you can be in contact with them again and most importantly keep your dignity, being dumped! for want of a better word can ruin your self image and desperation to reclaim it via your EX’s approval can destroy your self esteem, in moments of weakness look at yourself in the mirror, choose something about yourself that you want to work on and initiate that change. Never forget what a wonderful human being you are because you have the capacity to love and one day you will be with someone who will accept and cherish that beautiful quality. I send my love to all the people who are hurting right now, the fact that there are so many people online talking about these issues should remind you that you are not alone and yes here comes the cliche. These things are significant but small things in the bigger picture of life, use them to make your life a richer experience. Time AND SPACE truly are the healers.

    With love to you all.
    Jx

  • vishal
    April 18, 2013 | Permalink |

    See I had a relationship for about 8 yrs filled up with break up patch up for almost 4 times in 8 years…. I love my girl n even she loves me but we dnt have any idea that whats wrong …. we r in long distance relationship. .. we r just frnds now and yesterday night we had sex chat after very long time almost a year n half … now she suddenly blocked me … what is she thinking? Is it because in 8 years first time she sent me her nude pic n she is nt feeling gud about it? Pls tell me I’m in a great confusion. … I was over her but yesterday night broughtme back to the place i was before. ..

  • jade
    August 4, 2013 | Permalink |

    Comment This is a bit complicated…I just moved in a new apartment about four mths ago. My Landlord happens to be single and so am I. At first I noticed there were some interest on his end, but I ignored them because I thought he was not exactly my type….I must admit however, he is a very handsome man in his mid forties. He was very helpful in helping me get all set up in my apartment…..then allowed me my space even though I still notice and interest. A few more mths went by …..then he and I finally went out…he thought it was a way of getting me out of the house as I am always home besides going to work.

    We went out had a nice drive around the island and had some wine……not very long after we became really close. Now….the unfortunate part……he seldom took me out…..when I ask him about it he seem a bit offended. Sometimes I notice he stay really late and then he would come by to smooth things over.

    I also notice he never seemed to call or texted much either…..I asked him about it and he really got upset , rude actually. I forgave him after somewhat of an apology.

    Now I have decide to implement the no contact rule…its been four days already…..it is a bit hard for me because I have to see him every day as he is my landlord……just yesterday he texted and I didn’t respond……how should I go about this…lol…pls. Be nice

  • Carl T
    August 15, 2013 | Permalink |

    This rule and list also make good sense for those of us who are struggling to get over unrequited love or similar unwanted feelings.
    I, a reasonably happily married father of three, fell in love a month ago with a girl not half my age, an underage daughter of friends of mine. Being more girl than woman, she viewed me as a friend and playmate. I treated her much like my own children and never did anything inappropriate, but unfortunately I could not stop thinking about her in a romantic way and my thoughts started spiraling out of control. I ended up telling her about my feelings in a way meant half to scare her off and half to give me an alibi for telling her. Very very scary, most of all to her but in retrospect also to me.
    Having told her parents the whole thing, I’m now finally cutting her out of my life as well as I can. No contact at least for the next year or so, and then hopefully I will have regained some semblance of sanity.

  • shane
    August 17, 2013 | Permalink |

    hi this theory is all good and well but it makes it hard to have no contact when you have three beautiful kids with thw woman you love try working that out cheers

  • CoCoa
    September 12, 2013 | Permalink |

    I started dating a very sweet and caring guy back in May of this year…his mom was dying when we met and he pulled away from me a month after she died in July. I miss him so much as we clicked from day one. I guess our paths crossed for me to support him through that time. His last text to me read:”You are my deep down inside… You are a beautiful woman with a lot of class… I’m hurting inside and need some time stay strong and brilliant you are it…..Let your swag show!!!” It is a long story with lots of highs and lows but I know he feels deeply for me. Our last face to face conversation was hurtful as he told me he was okay by himself right now and he gave me my belongings back. His birthday was 3 days later and I just sent him an email which he responded to and I have be NC ever since. I am honoring his request for time and space because if we do ever reconnect I don’t want there to be any resentment due to my pressuring him. He made me laugh like no one had ever done before…I felt he may have been my SOULMATE but because of his loss he shut me completely out….Any advice?

    Thanks!!!

  • Ella
    September 30, 2013 | Permalink |

    I dated a guy while still married. My marriage was clearly over before meeting the guy. We fell in love and had lots in common. I was still scared to leave my husband though but the relationship continued with my boyfriend, I know he was always wondering when or whether I would leave. I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of times but quickly regretted it and wanted him back. It took a fews days one time and one week another time. I stopped breaking up with him as it was more hurtful for me and us when he would disappear. Unfortunately he took over. He has broken up with me several times during our 1.6 years of dating. This last time we fought and he broke up with me and has not contacted me in 7 weeks. I only made one contact with him which was a letter basically saying that I care for him no matter what he does wrong and that I need to love the good and bad in him and I meant it. He is not a bad guy doesn’t call me names or abuse me in any way, but I think he is overly emotional and very hard on himself and people around him as he is a perfectionist. I believe he loves me a lot. I wish I knew if he was coming
    back again. I have left my husband now and bought my own home which i shared with my boyfriend in the letter. I’m scared of all the changes in my life but I realized they were overdue. I want my boyfriend back I miss him terribly and believe with all the changes we have a new chance to make it work, but no word from him respecting the letter and i need to leave him alone now as i made one attempt and i want to b fair to him and give him space. I think he stays away because he is still thinking whether he wants to come back cause he has a hard time dealing with the fighting. Can someone give me some sort of insight on whether they think he will b back?

  • anonymous
    October 2, 2013 | Permalink |

    I’m 13, and I can honestly say that this actually works. Although this guy and I have dated for a week and a half, he broke up with me because he “didn’t like me anymore” and “wanted to be friends.” He said that he “wanted me to find someone who cares about me.” I was heartbroken, sobbing, I felt sorry for myself. My mother said that “he still liked me, but his parents said he ‘can’t have a girlfriend.’” I honestly think it was pure bullshit, a lie to make me feel better. I didn’t want to lie to myself thinking that he still liked me. So followed the “No Contact Rule.” I deleted him from my contacts, I blocked him on deviantART, and I deleted all my texts. At school, I completely ignored him, and stayed silent. I even got rid of my favorite necklace that I got for my 12th birthday because it reminded me of him (I also found out that I was allergic to nickel at the time.). My mother, my friends, almost everyone disagreed and said that what I did was “cruel and mean,” and that I was “over-reacting.” I still didn’t listen, because he’s already dating someone else, and I have a crush on someone else. I moved on. He moved on. The NCR really cured me of my heartache. Thank you :)

  • rosie
    October 22, 2013 | Permalink |

    well my relationship ended 6 weeks ago and I feel I went through hell. He told me that because I did not look very happy when I met him at the airport he was not happy (I could not believe it as he never mentioned it before). I was so happy and excited to see him. The second reason he gave was that he wanted more affection from me. I told him that he should have told me as I told him when I felt neglected or vulnerable and he said that he was waiting for things to change, rather than tell me. I don’t understand how someone can just sit and wait for affection knowing that it is seriously affecting a relationship without mentioning it to me, to give me a chance to rectify it. I just don’t get it. After we broke up, he text me all the time and I had to put a stop to it and delete everything. So I don’t feel that I have done anything wrong because he did not share his needs with me. We held hands and cuddled all the time so I don’t know what more he wanted. He sent me a Skype video after breaking up and I saw something quite clearly, he did not have the same love for me that I had for him. I believe he does not know how to love. So people out there, don’t blame yourselves when you don’t need to.

  • kirk
    November 19, 2013 | Permalink |

    my gf dumped me, ive been trying to get her back, she left me for another man, then shes been calling me and emailing me, she luers me over, and gets my hopes up, she says things like, i miss you, i want to move with you if you move, i think i made a mistake, but everytime i step back in the door, theres another half such as, i miss you turns into, i miss your funny jokes, i made a mistake turns into, i made a mistake but i can never go back, and i want to move with you turns into, i want to move far away one day, and come with you in the future, its stupid i dont know why she keeps doing this, ive been answering her problems too , shell say somthing big to me about whats going on, i message back but she wont reply back or just reply with 2 words, i cant take it anymore so im going NC

  • Sandy
    November 27, 2013 | Permalink |

    When my ex and I first broke up we mutually continued to talk for several weeks, but then he said he wanted absolutely no contact (not ever) because he felt it was a slippery slope. I think no contact is necessary at first, but after the first month or so once your head is back on straight (so to speak) I think it’s feasible to at least be cordial, so long as the relationship wasn’t abusive or ended for vicious reasons. I agree with avoiding regular contact or seeing the person as much as possible, but no contact to say happy holiday or happy birthday seems over the top to me. I think it’s the mature and kind thing to maintain a friendly rapport with people you are close to in your life even if they are no longer as close/playing the same role. I don’t understand how people can just push someone they cared for completly out of their life unless they do awful things to you. I couldn’t do it whether I was the dumper or the dumpee. I think it should be feasible to remove yourself from the immediate situation for awhile to heal and then re-establish maintaining some contact occassionally. I guess everyone has to do what’s best to take care of themselves and different people are different in how they approach things. Frankly, behaving like someone is expendable proves precisely why you shouldn’t be together with the person. There has to be a better way to heal, take care of yourself, and still be kind and respectful to those you once cared for deeply especially as adults.

  • Desirae Young
    December 7, 2013 | Permalink |

    I wish I could’ve red this before I texted my ex telling him how I felt now I feel like shit because he lead me on talking on the phone for a hour telling me he missed me too and then today texted me telling me sorry he’s in a happy relationship. I’m unsure on what to do now. Advise?

  • Kristi
    January 2, 2014 | Permalink |

    My ex and I lived together for over 2yrs and had, what I thought was, a truly wonderful relationship.We packed more experiences into those 2yrs than most couple do in 20. Everyday was an adventure. He was 12yrs younger than me. Our only issue was his need for privacy with his phone. The night we fought that led to our brake up was bc he thought I was looking over his shoulder at a text. I was not. He was being paranoid. He broke up with me by text and moved out that week which was a week before Thanksgiving and my 39th bday (which fell on Thanksgiving). It’s been 6weeks now. I’ve barely slept. I’ve lost 15lbs. He’s completely cut me out of his life. He’s acting like I’ve done something horribly wrong. The only contact we’ve had has been when I’ve initiated it by text and he acts annoyed. He’s being completely cold, almost as if he never loved me and the past 2yrs were not genuine. He says we can’t be friends bc it’s too soon. I’ve realized how immature and selfish he is in this time apart, but that doesn’t stop my heart from feeling like his size 14 shoe stomped it to pieces. I don’t text him all the time. Just every 4 days or so and usually related to when he’s going to get the rest of his stuff (his truck, scooter, dog, etc). But after reading this article and thread I’m going to stop completely. No contact no more. He’s apparently moved on so I must too. I just can’t cry anymore.

  • elida
    January 21, 2014 | Permalink |

    In my experience it was really difficult to follow the rule but I did it! After the 30 days of no contact I decide I was ready to contact him again so I did but then I felt sad again and I realize that I was actually feeling better without any contact so I’m not counting the days anymore I’m just taking care of myself and stop doing things that hurt me like talking to him. I’m sure one day it will just stop hurting and then I will be ready for a new relationship and talk to my ex without any bad feelings.

  • sheila
    April 19, 2014 | Permalink |

    I went out with a guy from work but had to work in the same open plan office after he met someone else. Hell on earth. Not seen him for years as the firm moved down south but I think back to how much the years of seeing him hurt and how the years of not seeing him mended the hurt without knowing it. No contact works as you realise when you have no interest in them at all.

  • AJ
    May 14, 2014 | Permalink |

    I was with a lovely lady for 8 months, fantastic time had by us both. Suddenly and I mean suddenly she cancelled our engagement and said she needed time and space. I am devastated beyond words. We spoke breifly by text and phone and she said she felt anxious and needed to focus on her and her children, no one else. She has a history of depression but I can handle that – when you love someone you do. When we said our initial goodbyes its was the usual sob, please lets give it another go etc. but to know avail. She was a different person. Her friends and family are stunned. We talked for a couple of weeks but she thought that I was holding on to something that may never happen. She said we should not contact each other which I agreed too. Its killing me. I get the principle of no contact but in this case I want her back, reflecting on everything that was good. The worst thing she could say was that we probably should have just spent more time apart rather than see each other every day. She does not know why her feeling have ended. Is this depression, anxiety? Is this a permamnent split and by doing no contact (day 6 by the way) is this going to help or hinder my chances? Im in the usual state of hope and thinking of what could be when in all honesty it couldn’t be. I’m getting on with work and social stuff but I feel weak in the face of no contact. Any examples of where it works in this kind of scenario would help.

  • kelso kelvar kong
    August 7, 2014 | Permalink |

    no contact is needed if the break up was sudden and unexpected. this is esp if there was dishonesty and feelings of betrayal are felt. my first serious gf and I dated while we were in university and things went well and I fell madly in love in her. she had just broken up with her ex 3 weeks before meeting me but lied to me saying her last serious relationship ended 2 years ago. she told me th truth after we had dated for 4 months and by that time I was in love her. to cut a long story short, things fell apart quickly after she told me and she broke it off about 1 month later.

    I was completely crushed and went no contact and concentrated on healing. she did not try to contact me until 5 months after we broke up. she got our mutual friends to talk me saying she kept the fact she had just broken up from me becos she was very keen to date me and she regretted not dealing with the whole thing better etc. by that time , the worst of my pain was over and I was not keen to give a person who lied to me a 2nd chance. also she did not even have the courage to contact personally and did she really expect me to call her first? so i told our mutual friends very politely of course to mind their own business. i concentrated on studying and exercising . about 1 year later , i met someone and started dating. and now my ex gf called and wanted to “talk” . i blew her off of course.

    no contact is essential for someone to heal , learn and grow.

  • Matt
    September 10, 2014 | Permalink |

    I was with my ex for 2 and half years. We fought and broke up a lot but I really loved her. She dumped me and started seeing some else immediately. She said she is happy with him. I texted for 2 days. Then I wrote a letter saying that I knew it wasn’t working and I was fine. She wants to be friends but I am doing no contact for 6 weeks now. It am truly heartbroken and think about her all the time.
    I now realise that she was hooking up with the other guy behind my back – although she said she never cheated on me. I am really angry and want to email her to express my anger but I know I can’t make contact because it will make me seem weak and I might regret it. It’s killing me and I don’t know what to do. Write to her or not?
    I think that she will contact me at some point or I will meet her somewhere but will I ever get the closure I am seeking? Will we ever connect again? Torture.

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