How to Talk about a Past Relationship with Your Partner
In a relationship, there comes a time when your new lover asks about your past lovers. Find out how to talk about past relationships the right way.
Past relationships are tricky affairs.
What starts off as a fun round of twenty questions can turn into an icy chill in no time if you aren’t careful.
Finding out more about past relationships is never a good thing, but like all inquisitive fools, we go looking for dirt in our lover’s past.
And when we do find the dirt, we dirty our hands and are left with a stench that lingers for a long time after the discovery.
Talking about exes and past lovers may feel like a bag of bricks lifted off your back, but it may come back to haunt you again though your present lover.
If your new lover has popped the past relationships question to you, and you find no way of avoiding it with a smile or a wink, perhaps you should learn how to talk about past relationships and make sure you don’t find yourself in sticky ground by giving the wrong answers.
How to talk about past relationships
The next time you come face to face with a question about your past relationships and the number of notches on your bed, keep these pointers in mind.
It’ll help you answer well and your partner will hear exactly what they want to her, rather, what they should hear.
The do’s and don’ts of confessions
First of all, you have to understand that all of us have a past. At times you may find yourself in a relationship with someone who’s not dated many people. When you go out with someone who really doesn’t have a sexual past as exciting or brag worthy as yours, you really have to think twice about telling all your secrets.
You’re with this special person today because of the coincidences and relationships you’ve experienced before. And you really don’t have to feel bad about your extensive list of past lovers once you’ve settled down with someone else, but you do have to be careful about what you say to your new lover.
Remember, you can still tell the truth to your new lover without going into explicit details.
Past relationship confessions
When you start going out with someone seriously, one of the first questions you may face after reaching a certain level of closure may be about your old flames. Everyone wants to know how frisky their mate has been in the past, and they want to know as much of their partner’s past as they possibly can.
But what you reveal can change your relationship, always remember that.
You may have had previous partners, one night stands or even sex buddies. Or you may even have participated in activities that are way past your lover’s moral barrier, so watch what you say. Try to avoid talking about your sexual partners as far as possible, but if the push comes to shove, then go for a very low figure, based on your partner’s personality. Never ever make your partner feel second-best, or third or even fifteenth-best. Your present lover is special, and this is the person you want to be in love with, for the rest of time. Let them know that. [Read: Should you ever confess to cheating?]
Talking about the details
Even if your sweet love asks you to talk about your feelings and wants explicit graphic details of bedtime activities with your ex, don’t do that. Things could only go from bad to worse. If your ex lover used to call you “tongue twister”, “mind blower”, “Mr. Yummy”, or “Ms. Perky”, just avoid mentioning that tiny detail. It’s not necessary, and it is definitely not going to help. [Read: How to pick a pet name for your lover]
And if you’ve had a few one night stands or even made out with a total stranger, you’re on dangerous grounds.
If you don’t say anything, there’s always the odd chance that your partner may find out anyways. On the other hand, even if you’re a great lover, the fact that you had a few one night stands or experienced a sex-with-a-stranger fantasy, will inadvertently change the way your new partner looks at this new relationship. Really, unless someone’s had a one night stand themselves, can they ever understand the real circumstances that led to the sex in the backseat or would they just think you’re a horny perv who just can’t wait to stuff or get stuffed?
When it comes to talking about the intimate details, skip the parts where you went sowing your wild oats or let anything that walks enter your doorway. It’ll change your partner’s perspective about the relationship. But do bring the topic up someday, when you’re in a seasoned relationship and have built enough trust for your partner to overlook your wild earlier days.
Making the comparisons
When there’s talk about past relationships, there’s always bound to be comparisons. If your lover wants to know who’s bigger or who’s better, answer without thinking. Of course, it’s your current mate who’s the best, right?
A little white lie can help your relationship go a long way. You would only reassure your mate, and would help them feel better about themselves if you keep them happy in love, even if one of your exes was so good there were burn marks on the bed sheets after a scorching session in bed.
This is corny, but your past is history, and your future is a mystery. But work on your present, and make your partner feel like they’re the best. Eventually, they may well be the best part of your life! [Read: How to be happy in a relationship]
Talking about sexual pleasure
So have you had sex in the back seat of the same car you’re driving now? Or have you made out on a rocky cliff you haven’t been to with your new lover? Or have you kissed one of your exes for over an hour and have never kissed your present amore for anything more than five minutes? Worry not. And tell not.
Things like these don’t really have to be spoken. And for crying out loud, it’s your lover we’re talking about, not your priest. You can tell a bit, but never go the whole nine yards like it’s going to improve your relationship or something! Trust your instincts and the moment your relationship feels threatened, quit talking more about it or going into explanations. [Read: Handling insecurities in a relationship]
And if you ever see your partner’s lips quivering, their eyes getting wider or their nails digging into your upholstery in the middle of your confession, ahem, you’ve gone too far already!
Save your secrets
As much as you want to reveal all and hold no secrets in your romance, you should understand that some things are better left untold. A conversation about past relationships can be compared to walking into a haunted house. We all want to hear about it, we all want to experience the story, and we want to walk in and explore every little detail. [Read: New relationship advice for a good relationship]
But once you’re too far in, you’d only regret it or pay a huge price. So before understanding how to talk about past relationships and going into your next revelation about your past relationship, think hard and ask yourself, can both of you walk out of it unharmed? If you can, then go right ahead and get into the details. If you can’t see a satisfying ending by exploring your past, seal the doors of your past and throw the keys.
[Read: A past confession gone wrong!]
After all, talking about past relationships has no happy ending. Follow these tips on how to talk about past relationships and at least hope for a satisfying and simple ending, and a happier present relationship.