Oneitis: The Unhealthy Effects of Falling Madly in Obsessive Love
We all know where the line “O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?” ended up. A oneitis obessesion can become that tragic.
Oneitis is used to describe someone who—like Juliet—is head over heels in obsession with someone else. It’s life or death. A hypnosis of the mind. There’s absolutely no one who could possibly be more ideal than this one person in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD.
When you’re in it, that person is your everything—god forbid if you lost them… You’ve won the lottery. What the two of you have is unlike anything seen in the cosmos. Or they’re your dream partner. You just know you’re meant to be together. If only they also felt the same…
Sorry to rain on your parade of Disney emotions, but Doctor Dex is here to diagnose whether you have the oneitis disease. And to prognosticate on your chances of surviving it if you do.
Definition of oneitis
Oneitis is a term that became popular in the seduction community and the manosphere in particular. ‘Itis’ is actually a medical suffix used to let you know a word describes an inflammatory disease. So ONEitis therefore means a disease of the only-one-person-out-there-for-me type of thinking.
When you contract a belief in ‘one person for me and I hope I find them’ you exclude the gazillions of other possible love options available to you. You also potentially become over-fussy, never able to settle with one person. [Read: How to stop obsessing over someone: The 12 things you must do]
Furthermore, if you get with your dream fantasy partner, you’ll have a crippling sense that if they ever left you’d be helpless. They have all the power because it’s a win-lose scenario. If they leave you lose. If they stay you win.
It’s quite similar to the infatuation phase of a new romance. Think Bella and Edward in the Twilight movie/book series. Your relationship becomes this thing that is more important than everything and anything IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.
Signs and symptoms
Oneitis means different things depending on whether you’re feminine or masculine and whether you’re a guy or a girl. I’ll explain this in the prognosis section. With that said, let’s diagnose whether you have the disease and give you an idea of your outlook…
#1 You’re a forlorn poet. It’s hard for me to remember what it was like to be in oneitis because nowadays I see it as so lame. But when I was deep in the disease, like Romeo, I had this urge to capture the unique incomparable beauty of my partner. They were a ray of light and everything they did or didn’t do had a unique significance. I also felt a sense of somberness. [Read: Romantic attraction – How to know when you feel the real thing]
#2 You’re obsessed and unproductive. Everything reminded me of my partner when I had oneitis: foods they enjoyed, words with a syllable the same as their name. I’d find myself daydreaming about being with them. I let go of seizing other important areas of my life—they didn’t seem to matter.
#3 You exclusively listen to love songs. When you’re deep in oneitis you get tunnel-vision, lose your swag, and so no longer understand the language of ‘game.’
You’ve thrown out music that aggressively talks about money, success, and fame. Now you’ve got a whole playlist dedicated to how it feels to be in love. You hum ‘I think about you everyday’ to yourself.
#4 You’re needy. You’re on a drug. When you’re away from your partner you spiral downwards into a low mood. But being in their company is like being on a high. As long as you get your fix you’re good—though you sense it’s unhealthy. Your relationship feels less like enjoying a lovely meal and more like craving a sugar hit. [Read: 13 needy signs you’re too available for your partner]
#5 You’re not sure where you begin and they end. When you’re really bought-in to a person they heavily influence you. You start adopting their way of speaking, thinking, their opinions, interests–the list goes on. It may also seem like a cool thing to do.
#6 Your partner’s always right. You’re unable to think for yourself. So, in an argument or discussion you feel morally inferior and are more likely to bend.
#7 You’re frustrated and weak. I think anyone who knows the source of their personal ‘joy’ depends on something pretty much outside of their control *another person* feels inner frustration. You feel trapped.
#8 You feel powerless. First rule of any relationship: ‘the person who needs the other person least holds the most power in the relationship.’ When you have oneitis, you tend to give most of your power away like free candy. Until you’re a sniveling Mr. Smithers from The Simpsons telling Mr. Burns ‘I love you, arghhh, stop hitting me!’
#9 You’ll do anything #crazy. I once had 70+ missed calls by a girl that had oneitis for me. I was an unwitting asshole back then so I put it down to her being a crazy person. Truth is she was just crazy about us. [Read: 15 instant hacks to the put the crazy away]
#10 #desperate. Not good. Not good at all. Again, we want to be with winners—that’s a healthy way to approach life I think. Having other options, but selecting someone as your best option, is way more flattering than just choosing a partner out of desperation.
#11 You get easily bent out of shape. You need your partner to respond positively to you. Or to give you validation constantly. Your moods depend on how well your relationship is going. How you feel always comes down to how your partner is behaving in some way or another.
In a way, oneitis is a useful phenomenon. It makes you value one person enough to reduce your chances of being wooed by other third parties. This gives the two of you the chance to:
#1 Develop strong bonds that could last a lifetime.
#2 Focus on each other long enough to raise a family.
#3 Mature, so that you act in a way that benefits both you and your partner.
But here’s the WARNING…
Oneitis is probably more dangerous for guys. This is because women generally have far more romantic options than men do. And they’re innately better at being selective. So, they are far less likely to develop oneitis prematurely *unless they’re still in the Twilight Bella and Ed tween years of their life*.
It can still happen. Particularly when a woman seeks a man who is in say the top 10% compared to other men. But even the average woman automatically has several male suitors at any one time. More pickings for the kissing. [Read: Should you settle for less when you can have much more?]
By comparison, the average guy may have very few options. Scaaarce. So for the guy, developing oneitis most likely just makes him seem lame and unattractive. Not recommended!
Last point, feminine women are naturally more concerned with the flow of love. Partly because they have a more limited amount of time to raise children. Therefore, it might be paramount for them to develop oneitis—to select one best option from the many. Perhaps this is more important the more attractive she is.
There are roughly four stages of the disease:
#1 You lose your ‘game.’ Game, swag, sex appeal. Call it what you will. Losing your mojo is super dangerous. The masculine needs to worry about this far more than the feminine does.
For the feminine, they usually get hunted even when they’re married. Either way, it’s important to stay fresh. Think of Romeo and Juliet resorting to fake suicide because they did not have the skill-sets to create new options in their life.
When you feel boxed in, life gets real dark. Stay attractive, smooth, confident, self-assured, masculine/feminine. Keep that blade sharp. Keep that glow about you. [Read: Stop being socially awkward: 13 steps that’ll change you for good]
#2 You become the AFC. Becoming the Average Frustrated Chump in my opinion is a living tragedy. The second stage of losing your game—a near complete loss. It’s a state of quiet desperation, accepted helplessness. Being in oneitis makes you firmly hedge your chips on one person. When you’re not with them you feel torn up. But also you may accept being under-appreciated, under-sexed, or under-desired out of desperation.
If your partner flirts with others or seems dismissive with you and no longer excited to be in the relationship, you feel powerless and weak. Not a good place to be! [Read: How to reassure and win over a super-jealous lover]
#3 You become the unwise fool. Getting played for the fool can’t always be avoided. And it’s true for both men and women. But it’s especially true if you overlook warning signs. Are your friends and family telling you something negative about the person? Are they all saying the same thing? Maybe you just don’t want to hear.
Like the Montague and Capulet family beef in Romeo and Juliet, sometimes others are the ones with the issues. Maybe a friend is simply jealous of your relationship. But often, your single desire for one person blinds you to the realities of how that person behaves.
You also play yourself. Just think of the teacher-student affairs you read about in papers. Or huge divorce settlements after wild sudden romances. When you only see the positives in someone, it can be dangerous because you’re taking a gamble. This can lead to a broken heart, bitterness, and time-wasted. [Read: Fool me once shame on you – Don’t get fooled again]
#4 You never settle down. This one is dangerous for both men and women and particularly for women. In some ways, it’s the worst outcome. If you have this fantasy of the perfect one person you may never come across someone who measures up. You have unrealistic expectations of what it means to be in a relationship. You ignore the work and compromise and tolerance necessary for any healthy relationship.
Obsession brings about amazing things. But it’s unhealthy to have unrealistic expectations of any oneitis person. You’re sure to be left disappointed and push partners away.