There’s a reason for all that love and hate, even if you can’t see it. Find out what causes a love hate relationship and how you can make it work. By Jessica Dawson
A love hate relationship is wild, thrilling and full of passion.
But on the flipside, it’s also stressful and heart wrenching.
For every exhilarating rush of love, there are several moments of rage and anger.
If you’re in a simple and happy romance, the thought of throwing each other on tables and walls and indulging in carpet burn inducing rough sex after an angry fight could seem really exciting.
Heck, watching someone else’s love hate affair could also make your perfectly happy romance feel rather mundane and boring!
But you need to know this, as good as it may appear, love hate relationships look good only in the movies or when you hear about it.
In real life, the idea of a love hate relationship could seem fascinating to many.
But experiencing or living through a love hate romance will do nothing but sap the energy out of your life.
And it’ll drastically impact all other aspects of your life, including your productivity, your happiness and your sanity.
What is a love hate relationship?
Disagreements and moments of ego clashes exist in almost all relationships, and to a certain extent, these fights can help couples understand each other better. [Read: How to fight fair and have a happier romance]
But a love hate relationship thrives on serious conflicts and incompatible personalities. And as cheerful and accommodating as both of you may be as individuals, it’ll still bring out the worst in you and your lover.
A love hate relationship is the kind of relationship where there’s more anger and frustration in the romance than love and happiness. [Read: The 23 types of relationships you could fall into]
If you’re living through a love hate relationship, it doesn’t make you a bad person. Your partner and you could seriously love each other, but nevertheless, both of you may find yourself bringing out the worst in each other all the time.
The trend of a love hate relationship is easy to see. Your partner may annoy you all the time, but after cooling off, you’d realize that you actually do love this person.
While love hate relationships are almost always never planned, there are a few guys and girls who get into love hate relationships because they unintentionally love drama in their lives. These are the lovers who find their own lives rather boring and need confusions in their life to make it seem more exciting and dramatic! [Read: 16 subtle signs you're an attention whore who wants more drama!]
The two kinds of love hate relationships
There are two kinds of love hate relationships that you could experience in your life. And truth be told, neither one of them will do you any good.
#1 Love the relationship, but hate the lover. You like the idea of being in love, but you don’t love the person you’re dating or married to. You’re probably staying in the relationship only because you’re too afraid you won’t find someone to love you if you break up. Or you’re scared you can’t handle the trauma if your partner dates someone else immediately after breaking up with you. [Read: 18 critical signs you're already in a very unhealthy relationship!]
#2 Hate the relationship, but love the lover. You’re completely smitten by your lover, and you just can’t imagine your life without them. But yet, every time both of you get together, you realize that both of you share nothing in common, and the together-time is full of conflicts and disagreements, and both of you just can’t stand each other. [Read: If you love someone, should you let them go?]
12 reasons that create love hate relationships
Any of us could fall into a love hate relationship, however nice we may be. And even if you aren’t really the one who gets angry or yells, it may only be a matter of time before you start retaliating.
The reasons that turn a perfect romance into a love hate relationship are easy to see, and thankfully, easy to correct too. If you truly care about your relationship and want your love life to get better, communicate about these 12 reasons that cause love hate relationships with your partner, and change yourselves before both of you have to part ways bitterly. [Read: 25 must-follow relationship rules for a happy love life]
Use these 12 signs of love hate relationships to find out where both of you lock horns frequently, and try to work on fixing it.
#1 Incompatible personalities. Both of you are very different from each other in your approach towards life and expectations from it. [Read: 50 relationship questions to test your compatibility instantly!]
#2 Egos. Big egos can singlehandedly destroy even the happiest of relationships within a few months. Never let egos enter your relationship, or you’d be setting the relationship up for doom even before it has a chance to bloom. [Read: The 20 biggest reasons for divorce that most couples overlook]
#3 Strong personalities. If both of you have strong personalities and always want things your own way and hate giving in to someone else’s wishes, an argument may be waiting just around the corner.
#4 Jealousy and insecurities. If one or both of you are sensitive to harsh words or easily incensed by flirty behavior, it may lead to jealousy and insecurity creeping into the relationship, which could turn perfect love into bitter hatred. [Read: The right way to deal with jealousy in love]
#5 Wandering eyes. This is something most guys have a hard time dealing with. Do you hate it when your man constantly stares at other women when you’re around? Perhaps, your man’s ogling eyes could be the catalyst behind your love hate relationship. [Read: Sneaky tips to fix your man’s ogling eyes]
#6 Different expectations. Do you and your partner have different expectations and wants from each other? Are both of you having a hard time trying to be the other person’s perfect partner?
#7 Frustrations towards a partner. Anger doesn’t usually pour out of nowhere, nor does it erupt all of a sudden. Sometimes, it takes several years of suppressed frustrations and anger to burst out and create a love hate relationship. [Read: The power of words and how it can damage your relationship forever]
#8 Unwilling to change. You may realize that your partner doesn’t like something you do, but yet, you make no effort to change or try to reassure them.
#9 Controlling lovers. Some partners are inherently controlling. And if you don’t allow your partner to control you, they may argue and reason with you constantly just to make you give in or yield to them. [Read: 16 ways to handle controlling behavior in a relationship]
#10 Cheating partners. If you’re cheating on your lover, or if your lover thinks you’re cheating on them, both of you would instantly fall into the love hate relationship.
#11 Expressing yourselves. Do you or your partner actually communicate with each other? If one of you have a hard time talking about feelings, it’s only a matter of time before the other partner starts to feel insecure or less desired, which could lead to emotional outbursts.
#12 Immaturity. Immaturity is one of the biggest reasons behind love hate relationships. Both partners know what the relationship needs, and what either of them need to do to help the relationship succeed, but they’re too immature and short sighted to even see the big picture or work towards it. And instead of trying to understand each other, they bicker like little children. [Read: The best way to deal with complications in a relationship]
The cycle of love hate romance
A love hate romance is never good for any couple. But then again, the constant waves of highs and lows could turn into an addiction. And before either of you know it, one or both of you may start to crave the drama and create it often just to keep the relationship more interesting!
The low of breaking up…
In a love hate relationship, the fights are painful and tearful. Both of you may scream, throw things and slam doors at each other. And each time both of you fight, it’ll affect your productivity in other aspects of your life too. But all said and done, both of you may argue, and yet know that it’s only a matter of time before both of you jump into each other’s arms. [Read: 15 types of toxic relationships you could be experiencing right now!]
…and the high of making up
A love hate relationship is full of make-ups and break-ups. Each time both of you take some time off from each other after a fight, the relationship would feel more passionate and powerful, and you’d feel more in love with each other. And the best part of making up? Well, make-up sex after a big fight always feels like the best sex ever! [Read: Hot and horny tips to have more make up sex!]
Love hate relationships aren’t stable… and they aren’t good
The idea of love hate romance may sound exciting to a few. But this kind of a relationship can never help both of you grow as a couple. It stops both of you from opening up to each other, and revealing your true selves, flaws and all.
And even if there’s a lot of love in the air, the constant arguments would always cause insecurities about the future to seep in.
A love hate marriage or relationship is full of doubts, uncertainty, and raging anger. Even if both of you love each other a lot, the constant doubts about compatibility will force one or both of you to stray into healthier, although more quieter relationships which are more peaceful and relaxing.
Right now, you probably can’t even imagine falling in love with anyone else, but no matter how long you stay in a love hate relationship, your mind would constantly wander and look for a more stable relationship, whether you like it or not! [Read: How to fall out of love when you see no future together]
Why do you love them?
Is your relationship meant to be? Are you truly happy in your relationship, or are you just bending over backwards for someone who isn’t willing to do the same for you? This is something you seriously need to think about. Why do you stay in a relationship that’s full of hurdles and pain?
You need to sit down and ask yourself why you love someone who only hurts you. Why are you in a relationship with someone who only brings out your worst side all the time? Perhaps, there is something that draws both of you and holds both of you together through all those arguments. [Read: Do opposites really attract or do they just push each other away?!]
Why do you hate them?
Are the reasons something that both of you can’t work around? Sometimes, especially when egos lock horns, it’s easy to raise a storm over the most trivial of reasons. If you find yourself fighting all the time, try to get to the bottom of it. It’s obvious that both of you can’t come to an agreement over a few issues, but why is that? And are those reasons more important than the happiness of your relationship? [Read: 15 reasons why you may be getting bored with your relationship]
Getting over the love hate phase
It’s easy to get over the love hate phase in a relationship if both of you make the effort to change for each other. All it takes is patience, and the will to compromise for each other without letting egos lock horns all the time. But for many couples in love hate relationships, that’s almost always impossible to do.
Learn to communicate with each other instead of yelling at each other. If something hurts you, talk to your partner about it instead of assuming your partner’s doing it intentionally just to hurt you. And if your partner ever does get angry, don’t retaliate in anger. [Read: How to fix every single trust issue in your relationship]
After all, anger, in many ways, is a defense mechanism. It’s the way we react when we feel like we’re cornered and helpless, and we’re too egoistic to accept our fault. Give your partner some time alone to reflect on what you have to say, and when their ego diminishes after a while, they’ll be open to communicating with you.
One of the most important things you need to keep in mind while trying to break through the love hate barrier is to lose your ego. Apologize often, and be open to compromise. When you learn to laugh together about the petty fights, that’s the sign that love is on the verge of triumphing over all the hate that’s filling your romance. [Read: The 10 big signs of every perfectly happy relationship]
Should you continue to stay in a love hate relationship?
This is subjective, and the answer is something only you can figure out. Some of us could be overly dramatic and claim to enjoy love hate relationships *even if it’s just a petty fight now and then* because it sounds fashionable and more fascinating than being in a calm and stable romance.
And on the other hand, there are serious lovers who are constantly cheated on, emotionally abused, threatened and even physically abused by their partner. And yet, the madness of love hate romance could muddle their judgment and arm-twist them to stay in the same relationship, and force them to endure a bitter and hard life when there are so many better opportunities outside the relationship. [Read: 15 subtle signs of a controlling boyfriend]
So where do you find yourself, and what do you really want?
Are you in an unhealthy love hate relationship? Here’s an easy way to find out what you really want, and whether you truly want to stay in this kind of a destructive romance. Write a list of pros and cons about your own love story. And depending on what your subconscious mind wants to do, you’ll definitely find the majority by the time you come to the end of your list of pros and cons.
Remember this, love hate relationships may be exciting and passionate. But they’re always destructive in the long run, unless both of you learn to call a truce at some point of time. So learn to fix it soon. Or walk out before it’s too late!
We’re trying hard to create better relationships in the world.
But we can’t do it without YOU!
Did this feature help you better yourself or your relationship?
You can change someone else’s life too!