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Insecurity in a Relationship – How to Get Over It

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Insecurity in a relationship can be difficult to handle, especially when your partner can’t understand you and all you feel in love is confusing pain. Find out how to get over relationship insecurities and have a better relationship.

insecurity in a relationship - relationship insecurity

Falling in love may feel like a bed of roses.

But if you find that your love isn’t reciprocated equally, you may end up hurt or feeling insecure about the relationship status.

Understanding and dealing with insecurity in a relationship isn’t easy, especially if your partner doesn’t understand you or what you’re going through.

And at times, the confusion in intimacy levels between two lovers can cause more pain and frustration that even a break up.

Breaking up is a single step that finalizes the end. But an insecure relationship makes you believe you’re in love and yet, you feel like you’ve broken up already.

Insecurity in a relationship

Are you experiencing an insecure relationship right now? Really, why do you feel insecure in your relationship?

One of the best ways to understand relationship insecurities is to understand the root cause of the problem.

You’re insecure because you’re afraid of losing your lover (maybe to someone else). But why do you feel that way?

Do you feel insecure in the relationship because a lot of people are attracted to your lover? Is it because your partner spends a lot of time out with their own friends and doesn’t call you? Or is it because your partner never really makes you feel special and appreciated? Or is it something else? [Read: How to make your partner call you often]

To really understand relationship insecurities, you need to ponder over your insecurities and find the real reason. And most importantly, is there something your partner can do about it? [Read: Jealous boyfriends]

Speak to your partner

Once you’ve understand the cause of your relationship insecurities, speak to your partner about it. You don’t have to tell your partner that you’re feeling insecure, that may just strain the relationship further. Just mention that you don’t feel loved at times and explain a few examples when you did feel insecure.

Don’t sound frustrated or sad, just say it matter-of-factly. If your partner does love you, they’d try to reassure you and make you feel better.

But before you voice your insecurities, be certain that it’s something your partner can reasonably change. It’s alright to ask your boyfriend to pay more attention to you when he’s with his friends or while talking to another girl. It’s just not alright to ask him to stop talking to girls or his friends! [Read: How to deal with jealousy in a relationship]

Do you feel better?

Once you voice your relationship insecurities, you may feel better. But if you do find yourself feeling insecure even after your partner’s changed their behavior or reassured you, then you’re on unsteady ground.

On one hand, your partner may think you’re making a big deal out of nothing and continue doing the things that make you feel insecure.

On the other hand, your partner may change or reassure you but you may remain unconvinced no matter what your partner says or does until you feel better about the relationship yourself.

Insecurity in a relationship can crop up for the most unobvious of reasons, but the most common reasons are when you feel your partner’s too good for you or if you think there are far too many people around you who are way better than you (and may steal your partner).

How to stop feeling insecure in a relationship

If you’re feeling insecure in the relationship even after your partner changes their ways for you and reassures you, perhaps you just need to feel better about yourself. And understand the fact that your partner’s not the problem, you are!

Start feeling confident about yourself and have a little faith in your relationship. Use these tips to change yourself and you may just learn to get over your insecurities in the relationship.

Your partner is a part of your life

Let your partner be a part of your life, not your whole life. It’s as simple as that. When your whole life revolves around your love life, it’s easy to start obsessing about it and picking tiny imaginary flaws that may not even exist. And insecurities have a way of cropping up when you want to speak to your partner or meet them all the time. Lead your own life and dedicate a part of it to love. It’ll keep your love life more fun and exciting, and you’ll worry less about relationship insecurities. [Read: How to give space and fall more in love]

Trust your partner

Unless you leapt into the relationship without really figuring out if your partner likes you a lot, you should really learn to trust your partner. Both of you are attracted to each other and love each other, so why would you want to snoop around or look for ways to catch your partner red handed. Learn to trust your partner, unless you have solid reasons to doubt them. [Read: How to build trust in a relationship]

Go out with your own friends

Spend time with your own group of friends and have a good time. It’ll help you in two ways. One, you’ll understand that no harm is really done to a relationship by spending time with friends. Two, if you do exchange a few glances with someone else, you’re not really cheating on your partner!

Be an optimist

Stop the negativity. Stop wondering about what you’ll do if your partner ever dumps you or what your lover does when they go out without you. Your partner fell in love with you for the great person that you are, remember that. If you ever do feel insecure in the relationship, learn to deal with it by talking about it with your partner or evaluate the situation by putting yourself in your partner’s shoes.

Grow your confidence

One of the most obvious and yet embarrassing reasons for insecurity in a relationship is the lack of confidence. It hurts but it’s true. You’re insecure because you don’t believe you’re good enough.

Exchange a few glances with a hottie when you’re out with friends, pick a few hobbies, and every now and then, force yourself to do something you’ve always wanted to do even if it’s outside your comfort zone. The longer you drive a car, the more experienced you get in driving. Likewise, the more you learn to live your life to the fullest, the more you’ll learn to be confident about yourself and your worth.

Feel good about yourself

Insecurities in a relationship crop up when you are happy to see your partner, but not really happy with what you see in your own mirror. Go out often and start dressing like a million bucks. And work out and get that dream body you’ve always wanted to have. When you feel like a million bucks, you know you’re worthy of anyone. And when you feel confident and worthy, relationship insecurities have nowhere to go but to the bin!

[Read: How to be happy in a relationship]

Taking a decision over your insecurities

Now not all relationships are perfect. At times, you may be really confident and attractive, but you may still end up feeling insecure. Your partner may take you for granted, flirt with others in front of you or even ignore you completely. If you’re struck by relationship insecurities even after speaking to your partner about it and even after changing yourself using the confidence building tips mentioned here, then something’s just not right.

Perhaps, your partner is just taking you for granted and not really bothering to help you feel better about the relationship.

When you’re faced with a situation like this, where the insecurity in a relationship is not because of the lack of confidence but the lack of love and overdose of neglect, it’s time to take a decision about it.

Being stuck in an insecure relationship is worse than breaking up with your partner or catching them cheating. Insecurity in a relationship will suck the confidence and the happiness out of your life, and you’ll never really feel loved. You’ll just wither away from the inside until the relationship ends.

[Read: How to end a relationship – Conversations tips]

Learn to deal with insecurity in a relationship, either by growing your confidence or confronting your partner. But if nothing really works, perhaps it’s time to step out and find someone else who can give you the happiness and love you crave for.


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Have your say!
  • Sakura
    August 15, 2012 | Permalink |

    wow! This really helped me a lot! my bf and I have been dating for 5 months now and we are also in a log distance relationship but we do chat on msn everyday, do skype once or twice a week (unless it’s vacation then we do it everyday), and write letters to each other. We have planned our future together and we plan to meet in 1 1/2 years or less (he’s going to study in a university in Japan in the same city as me). I trusted him before but these days since he’s studying hard so he can meet me sooner, and since we are chatting a bit less (he used to chat with me during class but now he’s in his last year of high school so he’s doing his best and we still chat and do skype, send letter too) and I have been a little worried since he has a new class with new classmates. But things seem fine he still loves me a lot but he says it a little less these days. I heard that guys don’t say I love you as much as girls and they rather show their love so I understand that and know he does love me. but because of the less time we are chatting, and I’m still on summer break, I began doubting and worrying he will find better girls in Japan and leave me in pain. I tried to stop because my mom always says to not think of negative things or they will happen but I still couldn’t stop. but after reading this, I feel much better! My school starts soon and I will be working much more so I can focus on that and stay happy and also work on beauty and losing weight aha. also taking care of my bf and maybe praying to be with him forever too :) so thank you so much! I will keep reading this to remind myself so I will not feel insecure again and feel more confident :D Everyone good luck too!

  • ashley
    December 4, 2012 | Permalink |

    This site has helped me so much,, i find most articles here completley relatable. ive been going with my boyfriend for 5 years and last summer we broke up for 6 months because our relationship was a complete disaster. I missed him so much in this time and could think of nothing but how things got so bad an if we could get back what would i do differently as i did definatley feel like alot of the break was down to me as i was a little depressed with being unemployed and strain on our relationship, i feel i took this out on him.. anyway i became quite obsessed by this, it was all i could think about and people kept telling me times a healer, well it wasnt…. anyway he was out of the country and for 3 months and i eventually started seeing this other guy when i didnt reak of desperation so bad… he was absolutley stunning looking and a complete gentleman, he held doors open, paid for everything and was just a lovely guy in every way, i felt like i was falling head over heals for him, i wanted to get over my ex so bad that this guy was absolutley flawless to me,, That was until my ex arrived back from his 3 month trip and seen that i was trying to move on and this sparked interest with him.. he was interested in me again,, from that moment onwards i had no care at all for my rebound,, i instead made sure that i looked immaculate everytime my ex seen me and we soon started seeing again,,, everything was perfect and i really have been working so hard on my insecurity issues and reassuring him all the time even when the favour is not returned,, lonnnnnnnnng story short, were back together now and living abroad with friends and slowly but surely i notice bad habits starting to arise again but at least i know im giving my all.. i loveeeeeee this site and its helping me put things into prospective so well. thank you :-)

  • Kylie
    December 11, 2012 | Permalink |

    This has helped me too, after being with my partner for 3 1/2 years my insecurities from a previous r/ship have come up and my current partner works alot. We also have a 2 year old little girl, so most of our time is with her and not quality time with just me & him. Which i need and miss……i believe this is why the insecurities i have about cheating have come up. We have spoken about it over & over again but i have taken a further step and seen a counsellor. Just merely to get an outside person to talk to instead of the friends and family saying ‘oh he wouldnt cheat on you’…..i needed to get to the core of the problem. And I am doing that and suggesting my partner to come with me one time to get everything out. We have a bright future and have plans…..just these silly insecurities come up. Silly especially when I know my partner loves me alot and wouldnt risk what we have……so the problem is to do with me and what happened in my past from a ex partner. I plan to fix this so i dont ruin my future with my awesome partner i have now. :-)

  • Chris
    February 9, 2013 | Permalink |

    It’s like the person who wrote this really understands how I’ve been feeling in all my relationships. It’s been a problem with all the girls I’ve been with, right now I found someone, her boyfriend broke up with her three weeks ago, we were kinda seen each other but not like you would think, we were into each other but didn’t do anything wrong. But then they broke up, we still see each other, we’re not a couple, because she wants time and I want her to have time too, but it’s like we’re one, things are great, she has the patience to teach me how to not be insecure and not to have jealous, she’s a great girl, it was bad that I found her when she was with someone else but things are differente now, I know I can trust her. It’s a great woman, and I don’t want to let her go. While reading this I know, I have to trust more and no think about her not wanting to be with me and have security in me. Thanks a lot.

  • tin2
    February 22, 2013 | Permalink |

    yeah i can relate i was feeling insecurities for almost 9 months for now . i don’t know what to do .i was conscious with my looks even though im not that 2 ugly .but then i feel that sooner or later my bf will going to live me ..it really hurts me a lot .sometimes i find myself shedding a tears for no reason .and i hate myself for having that kind of attitude . i know that he loves me a lot but then i still feel insecure i dont know what to do it bothers me but i want to try this tips that u have stated how weird of me

  • Cyrielle
    March 29, 2013 | Permalink |

    Thank You. The person who wrote it said everything! This helped a lot

  • A
    October 7, 2013 | Permalink |

    I’ve been reading a lot of articles on this website, and there’s a lot that I agree with, but a lot that I disagree with.

    “If you do exchange a few glances with someone else, you’re not really cheating on your partner!”
    “Exchange a few glances with a hottie when you’re out with friends”

    Are you fucking kidding me? Checking out how sexy someone is to build confidence? Is this website run by a shallow perverted pig? And before you automatically assume I’m some feminist female, I’m not. I’m a male, and staring at someone in public thinking how sexy they are is cheating in my opinion. And if it’s not cheating, we can all at least agree that it’s horribly rude and still a form of betrayal. How would you knew your partner was exchanging flirty glances with someone? Feeling bothered about it isn’t a form of insecurity, which you tried to say in another article. Being upset is the reasonable reaction. I understand that sexual urge is in human nature, but that stop giving people excuses to check people out. You’re encouraging people to do something shitty that they already do plenty of. Just remember how you would feel if your partner was thinking how sexy someone else was! I understand if it’s an accident but if they feel no guilt towards it or even think it’s okay to do, then they’re just being a horny pig. And if that doesn’t bother you, then there’s something wrong with you.

  • vancliff
    November 8, 2013 | Permalink |

    thnx u guys u the best

  • Luke
    January 2, 2014 | Permalink |

    Hi there. I think I really need some help from anyone right now. I’m rather desperate..

    Been with a long term girlfriend for just over 5 years. Recently her behaviour changed and for the first time being with her I began to doubt her faithfulness.
    She asked me about a week ago if it was possible to love two people at once and then a bit later how I felt about an open relationship. She claimed it was because a friend of hers was in the situation and wanted to know our opinion.
    She has been very emotionally distant and unaffectionate. She has also been on her phone a lot more than usual and secretive.
    I find it difficult sometimes to express my fears and worries so I wrote her a 6 page personal letter just explaining my fears and asking for reassurance or confirmation. She reassured me that she loves me but didn’t say anything about someone else and claimed I was being too clingy and suffocating her but I think she understands its because I was so afraid for us. She did admit to “fucking up more than you realise” so alarm bells are still going on In my head. We’ve agreed to spend a couple days apart and for me to back off and give her space and go on a date on Saturday which I’ve organised and planned a very romantic event.
    I’m just so confused and lost and unsure what to do? This insecurity is eating me up inside and I don’t know what to do. She said that she doesn’t want to leave me and I think its clear that I don’t want to leave her.
    This is the first time the insecurity has happened but I just really need some help from someone right now…
    Thanks guys…

  • Luke
    January 2, 2014 | Permalink |

    Sorry, I forgot to add that around this time of the year she gets very moody and distant due to her grieving for her grandfather who passed away 10 years ago New Years Eve. Her whole family are usually affected by this as there were very close.
    She also was on her period until a few days ago and she can have many mood swings during this, she did change her contraceptive pill to one which side effects include extreme mood swings.
    Could I be overreacting and the combination of Period, pill change and bad timing be the reason for her distance and I am in fact being a paranoid idiot who can make up for his mistake? Because I pray that is the case…

  • Donna
    May 5, 2014 | Permalink |

    Amazing article! I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a yr and half now and I swear it seems like I keep finding things to fuss about. He moved in with me about 3mos ago and I LOVE having him there. He goes to work and comes home. Never goes out with friends, he includes me in all of his hobbies and there is never any time “lost” why in God’s name am I trying so hard to push him away? Really that is not what I want I love him very much but with the last relationship I had I was cheated on ALOT and talked down to making me feel as though I wasn’t and never would be good enough for anyone ever! I guess I’m taking that out on him now. I pray every day that God gives me the strength to get over these insecurities and this article has really helped me alot. Thank you to whoever wrote it! It’s almost like it put me in check. Thank You so much

  • Cynthia
    June 14, 2014 | Permalink |

    This article really hit the nail on the head for me. I nearly lost the man of my dreams with these behaviors. Thank you for the insight!

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