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10 Sure Signs You’ve Got the Fear of Commitment!

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Are you afraid of making a real commitment to your relationship? Use these 10 signs to know if you or a lover is experiencing the fear of commitment. By Chester Bloom

fear of commitment

Are you afraid of commitment?

Do you get cold feet each time you find yourself getting addicted or dependent on someone?

Or worse, do you find that you enjoy dating but hate thinking about the future of a relationship, especially when it comes to marriage?

The fear of commitment can ruin even the best of relationships.

But yet, for most of us, it’s unavoidable, and at times, even inevitable.

[Read: What is the best age to get married?]

A new romance may bloom like a fairy tale, but just when it starts to get serious and nears the happy ending, we panic!

And we begin to wonder if we’re actually ready to commit to something more serious.

What is the fear of commitment?

The fear of commitment has always been a guy thing, but in no way is it an exclusive guy thing.

[Read: How men really fall in love - The seven stages of love for men]

Women are just as prone to being afraid to commit as men.

But coming to think of it, why are most of us so afraid to get involved in a serious relationship or take the next step towards marriage?

To define it, the fear of commitment is the fear of entering into a long term relationship or the fear of getting married.

But more often than not, most people aren’t really afraid of long term relationships. It’s marriage that petrifies them!

There’s something about holy matrimony and “till death do us part” that shoves cold feet under our torso, and makes us question the longevity of the relationship.

The survival of your relationship and your commitment

If you’re in a long term relationship that’s lasted at least a few years, it’s obvious that the idea of the next stage of marriage will eventually enter your head. [Read: 9 relationship stages that all couples go through in love]

But how do you feel about that? Does it excite you? Or does it scare or annoy you?

If you feel any emotion other than some form of happiness when you think of marrying your lover, you’re probably suffering from the fear of commitment. It’s not a totally bad thing, but it’s definitely not good either.

You need to know this, everything in life is about stages and evolution. To survive, you need to evolve. If you stop evolving, you’ll stagnate. And it’s the same thing with relationships too.

Romance needs to evolve or one of you may get attracted to someone else. [Read: 30 questions couples need to ask to keep the romantic spark alive]

Sexual intimacy has to evolve or one of you may lose interest in having sex with the other. [Read: 30 really sexy ways to spice up your sex life]

And just like that, a relationship too has to evolve into marriage or some kind of commitment. If it starts to stagnate, it’s definitely a red alert for your love life.

Why are you afraid of commitment?

The reason behind your fear of commitment can be summed in one sentence. You don’t want change!

You may be afraid of change, you may be unsure of what could happen in the future, or it could be just about any other reason associated with change. But it all comes down to this. You don’t want a new unpredictable change in your life because you’re afraid you may not like the change.

But instead of confronting the real fear *change*, you look for a million reasons to justify why you should stay away from commitment. And without realizing it, you’d start picking flaws and faults in your partner just to stay away from commitment. But once you start picking flaws, you can never truly respect your partner or love them the way you once did. And that, my friend, is the beginning of the end of your relationship. [Read: 7 secret signs your relationship is starting to go bad]

Admit it, for whatever reason it may be, you’re afraid of commitment because you’re uncertain about what may happen in future. And that thought scares you!

If you need to overcome your fear of commitment, you need to learn to confront your fear. Why are you really afraid of commitment?

10 signs you’re afraid of commitment and are looking for excuses

Here are 10 common signs that you’re afraid of commitment, and are looking for excuses or reasons to chicken out of marriage or a long term relationship. Do you find yourself using any of these 10 reasons *excuses*?

#1 One life. Just one person. Does the thought of being with just one person for the rest of your whole life scare you? But you’re not cheating on your lover with someone else right now, are you? If you’re happy in the arms of your lover today, why does the idea of living with them for a lifetime scare you?

#2 The fear of the end of the relationship. No one can promise you that you will surely have a happy ending. Nothing in life is ever guaranteed. But here’s something you need to keep in mind, your happiness and romantic happy endings are almost always in your own hands. [Read: 25 rules to follow for a successful relationship]

#3 The lack of sexual variety. The first time you have sex, it’s awesome! But as the years pass by, the sex can start to get pretty monotonous and predictable. But that would happen only if you allow your sex life to stagnate. Get naughty and wild, and your sex life will always stay on a high. [Read: 10 naughty ways to make long term relationship sex feel like a one night stand]

#4 There’s so much you want to achieve. You may think commitment or marriage would hold you back from achieving your goals or your dreams. But is there a real reason behind your paranoia? Commitment may affect your goals at times, but more often than not, it’s just your excuse. If you ever walk into a crossroad, you have to make a choice and stick to it.

#5 You’re perfect just the way you are. This is a great excuse. You’re in a happy relationship and everything’s just dandy. So why would you want to get married just to conform to the rules of society? You definitely have a good point.

But instead of looking at marriage as unnecessary rules set by the society, try to see it as a moral commitment you’re making to your lover. Nothing really changes with a verbal commitment, but yet, your sign of commitment shows your lover that you truly love and respect them.

#6 You have a plan. Do you have a five year plan or a ten year plan? Sometimes, all of us have long term plans to achieve our goals in life. But a commitment can’t kill you, can it? If you really need to devote all your time and attention to something else, or if you need to travel because that’s part of your big plan, learn to communicate. [Read: 25 memorable life lessons you definitely need to remember]

Talk to your lover and explain your plans to them so you can douse their insecurities about the relationship. If you don’t do that, you may just end up losing your lover someday real soon!

#7 Ultimatums. Have you been given an ultimatum by your lover to make a commitment? At times, giving an ultimatum is the worst thing to do in a relationship, because ego and anger always creeps into the scenario. But if you’ve been given a deadline to make a commitment, don’t get angered by the ultimatum. [Read: Ultimatums in a relationship and how to understand them]

Ask yourself what you really want, swallow your ego and your pride, and take a decision. After all, most ultimatums are given out of desperation and pain, rather than with the intention of pissing you off.

#8 Bad memories. A bad case of cheating exes and heartbreaks can leave you paranoid about long term relationships and promises of commitment. The past can hurt you and haunt you, but that’s no excuse to stagnate in your new relationship or feel insecure about it.

Take baby steps, one step at a time, until you feel confident and secure about your new lover. You may think you have every reason to stall commitment, but you have to remember that you’re hurting your lover and leaving them confused with your actions.

#9 The lack of space. Space is the silent killer of romance. At first, lovers cling to each other and want to be with each other every second of every day. But as time goes by, both lovers start to drift just a little bit. But yet, no lover ever talks about it because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings!

If you’re afraid to commit because you feel you’ll lose your own personal space, don’t worry about it. As long as both of you make the effort to give each other space and grow as individuals, the commitment will only make both of you fall more in love with each other and become better individuals at the same time. [Read: The best way to give space in love and grow as individuals]

#10 Is she/he the one? Are you still uncertain about whether this person is the one for you? This is the worst place to be, and your fear of commitment is completely justified. But you’re also being a selfish person.

If the only reason you’re holding back from making a commitment is because you’re not entirely sure you want to be with this person, take a few days or a week and make up your mind. Don’t ever leave the person who loves you hanging by a thread because you’re too chicken to make a decision, or too selfish to care about what would happen to your lover after you break up and walk away. [Read: 15 genuine reasons why you may be getting bored with your relationship]

Moving in together – The coward’s alternative to a commitment?

These days, lovers move in together all the time. But statistically speaking, couples that move in together before getting married end up separating very soon. Does that mean living together before marriage is bad news for love? Definitely not! [Read: How to make moving in together work for you]

The biggest reasons why live-in relationships fail is because couples don’t really take the relationship seriously. They make no commitments and just move in together because it seems like an easier alternative.

If you want your relationship to be successful, make a commitment before moving in together. After all, moving in together should never be used as an excuse to avoid making long term commitments. Moving in together should be seen as the next stage in the relationship, and the stage before marriage. Thinking along these lines would help you realize just how serious moving in together really is! [Read: 5 things to think about before moving in and 10 things to think about after moving in with your lover]

Life isn’t all good and all bad

You’re afraid of commitment, and that’s alright. Perhaps, you’ve had your share of broken relationships or cheating lovers. But that doesn’t mean a new relationship can’t have a happy ending.

Life isn’t all black and white. There’s always the grey area where anything goes, and what works for one will never work for another. Take a leap of faith and take a chance. It’s true that our mind always remembers the bad experiences and puts a stronger emphasis on it all the time.

And in all probability, you could even forget the good experiences you’ve had over the years with your lover. But most importantly, avoiding a commitment will always lead to the end of your relationship. It’s almost always inevitable. [Read: How to read a man's mind and find out if he's ready to propose]

Communicate. Overcome your fear.

If you truly care about your lover, don’t be selfish. If you truly are afraid of commitment, speak out and let your partner know what’s on your mind. If something scares you about making a long term commitment, talk to your partner about it.

Communicating frankly may seem uncomfortable at first, but as long as explain your fears subtly without intentionally trying to hurt your lover, they’d definitely be more understanding of your fears and may even help you overcome those very fears. [Read: How to communicate effectively with your lover]

Remember, you can’t pause life. You can evolve or you can perish. If you believe there’s a happy relationship stage in between dating and commitment that can last forever, well, you’re wrong. And you’d end up losing the one you love too.

[Read: 20 reasons why getting married may be a good idea for you!]

The fear of commitment may seem genuine, but it’s almost always just an excuse because you don’t like change in your life. Use these 10 signs you’re afraid of commitment and ask yourself, do you really have a reason to be scared?


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Have your say!
  • Refute
    July 9, 2013 | Permalink |

    I’m gonna counter point 1. People get old and ugly. You sure you’re gonna happy with someone your whole lifetime? Weren’t you happy with your first boy/girl friend? What changed?

  • WildSpiritGirl
    September 8, 2013 | Permalink |

    Okay, yeah, you left out the fear of losing one’s freedom. The fear of commitment does not spring from a fear of change, but by the fear of losing the dynamic of life. Yes, I have a pretty screwed up past, not the greatest early early homelife, lots of horrible relationships, the last ending in a forbidden, traumatic bang, but the past does not cripple me, it only makes it hard to display affection, physical affection mainly, but I have always had the fear of commitment. I am a free spirit, a writer, a poet endlessly roaming the dimensions of my mind and the idea of being stable in the arms of a man in matrimony terrifies me. I am incredibly unstable and I refuse to let anybody try to cure my madness or chain me down or keep me from the page or deny me of my dreams. Commitment is contentment and contentment is never bliss, it is always settling.

  • japes
    December 2, 2013 | Permalink |

    Its just sooo frightening. Its like there should be more to life than marriage-> kids then death. wow what a great life

  • Yea..
    January 25, 2014 | Permalink |

    #4,6,8,10 definitely speaks for me. Im afraid of marriage and kids, i always think it could ruin my plans and goals in life. I want to have a house and cars before marrying and havin children. But idk if I can make it so im trying my best. I also dont know if hes the one, coz of the problems that we encounter and i dont know if i can take his attitude or he could take mine till death. Gonna pray for it.

  • janna
    June 17, 2014 | Permalink |

    What about the possibility that the relationship may not be right and that people are seeing red flags for legitimate reasons?

  • LittleJ
    September 4, 2014 | Permalink |

    This article made me feel so sad. It was like it was written for my ex and what happened between us. She would tick all 10 reasons easily. I wish she could read it one day and maybe realize somethings about herself and what she did to our relationship, out of fear of commitment and insecurites. We were together for 4 years, we had a great and loving relationship (with our ups and downs of course) and i loved her so much. I thought she was the one and i wanted us to get married and have a family together. I would give my life for her. But she never saw it the way i did. She wanted the relationship to last indefinately but she didnt want the commitment. Eventually out of frustration and pain i gave her an ultimatum and left her for a month. During that time apart i did a lot of thinking and self-evaluation and couldn’t see any reason why we shouldnt be together. So with a clear head and heart, i went back to her and proposed with a ring and i opened my heart to her. But even then she couldn’t decide. She showed signs of deep love towards me but the fear of commitment was greater. Never got a straight answer out of her. Never heard a Yes or No or any reasons why she cant. She just got up and left. I was left to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and somehow try to put them back together.

    S*******. I hope one day you`ll realize what is really important in this crazy life we`re living in and what you lost.

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