Not all of us have positive experiences when dating. You’d think that we wouldn’t be haunted by relationship insecurity, but it pops up in new ones.
Everyone has insecurities and everyone has been hurt by someone. I mean, how else would we develop them? Some of us have minor relationship insecurities while others have more. We’re all different and this is just something we have to work through and overcome.
I used to think my ex-boyfriend would cheat on me. Now, in my new relationship I’ve accepted the fact that I need to trust my partner or else the relationship won’t last.
13 ways to get over your relationship insecurity
This took me many years and failed relationships in order to accept. At one point, I just became tired of entering a relationship already thinking about how they’d cheat on me or leave me. Obviously, none of those relationships worked out. How could they have lasted? I was a paranoid wreck.
It didn’t matter that they didn’t see my anxiety, it showed itself in different ways. So, if you want a healthy and freeing relationship, you’re going to need to get over your relationship insecurity. We’ve all been there, but you don’t have to stay in this spot.
#1 This person wants to be with you. Realize this person you’re dating wanted to be with you. You didn’t tie them up to a chair and force this relationship on them. If you did, I’m sorry I outed you. But really, they want to be with you. So, you need to acknowledge that. If this is what they want, why would they try to sabotage it? [Read: 19 signs of emotional damage and ways to get past them]
#2 Focus on what you’re packing, not what you’re lacking. No one is perfect. We all have flaws, but you focus on them too much. You’re insecure in your relationship because you don’t think you have the qualities they find attractive. But they do find you attractive inside and out. Realize what you’re worth because right now, you’re treating yourself like a used t-shirt in a bargain bin. [Read: How self-respect affects you and your relationship]
#3 This is about you. Your relationship insecurity isn’t about the person you date, it’s about you. Maybe they just bring out specific insecurities. For example, if they’re good looking, you may think you’re not attractive enough to be with them.
So, if this is the case, work on your self-esteem. They’re not telling you you’re not attractive enough to be with them, you’re telling this to yourself.
#4 Maintain your independence. If you’re insecure about your relationship, the worst thing to do is smother it. In order to work on your self-esteem, maintain your own identity and independence. When you do things that boost your self-esteem, activities that you love doing, it automatically affects your relationship for the better.
#5 Cut the negative comments. I know what’s going on in your head. It’s full of negative thoughts. You think you’re fat, ugly, not smart enough… the list goes on. But this is all wrong, really.
You need to cut the negativity because this only makes it worse. So, when you have those urges to think poorly about yourself—stop. Stop it immediately and tell yourself that you’re worth it. [Read: Is your negative thinking ruining your life?]
#6 Leave the past in the past. We all have baggage, this isn’t an excuse to drag it into your new relationship. Practice on leaving the past in the past because it’s not doing you any good. Instead, it’s only dragging you down and making you a Debbie Downer in the relationship.
#7 Don’t compare your relationship to others. You don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors. On Facebook or Instagram they look all cheery and happy, but who knows what the issues are in their relationship. The worst thing you do is compare your own relationship to others—it’s pointless. It’s actually completely useless and a waste of time.
#8 Don’t restrict your partner from being themselves. Someone with relationship insecurity tends to hold their partner down and prevent them from being themselves. You need to make sure you don’t become possessive and restricting. This only makes them feel suffocated and will result with them pulling away.
#9 Cut the overanalyzing. I know what you’re doing because I did the same. You sit and analyze. Everything. What they said, how they said it, how they look at you when they talk.
#10 Talk to your partner. You need to communicate to your partner about your insecurities. They need to know what’s going on with you emotionally so that they can support you. Sit down with your partner and talk about what makes you insecure and what the triggers are. This shouldn’t mean that they should walk on eggshells around you. However, they’ll be mindful of your emotions.
#11 Go to therapy. If you find yourself unable to overcome this on your own, don’t worry, this is why we have therapists. I went to one and it really helped me overcome my issues and emotions. Plus, it’s always nice to talk to someone who doesn’t know anything about you or your partner.
#12 Talk about your issues. Talking about things that bother us can be uncomfortable and awkward but that’s only because you make it like that. When something bothers you, you need to discuss it soon after rather than letting it build up. This is a recipe for a disaster. [Read: How to master positive self-talk and banish negativity]
#13 Trust your instinct. You are the only one who really knows yourself. This means you should trust in yourself that you know when something doesn’t feel right and when you’re just overreacting and putting imagination into reality. Trust your gut.