If you have a choice, it’s always better to avoid arguments and communicate with each other instead.
After all, arguments in love can affect your health, your peace of mind and your productivity.
And it would separate both of you by a thick wall of cold air that just makes any kind of interaction between the two of you seem awkward and annoying.
Arguments also push couples apart over the long term, because it makes both of you put your guards up and get mentally defensive. Every time you feel like confessing something or revealing something weak about yourself, you’d always wonder if your partner would bring that up sometime when both of you are having a fight. [Read: 7 secret signs your relationship is starting to go bad]
And eventually, these arguments would turn into ego wars where both partners don’t want to give in because it makes the one giving in appear weak and powerless in the relationship.
But really, arguments don’t have to change your relationship for the worse. In fact, healthy arguments can even bring both of you closer together and prevent new fights from coming up!
The most common things couples fight about
Couples fight about so many different things. But the most common reasons couples get into a war of words is because of bad conversations that revolve around finances, insecurities in love, and each other’s family members. [Read: Top 20 reasons for divorce that most couples overlook!]
It always starts with something tiny, like a silly difference in opinion. But if this difference in opinion isn’t confronted in the early stages, it just gets suppressed and turns into disappointment or something worse.
Arguments and accusations, by themselves, aren’t all bad. It’s the way you accuse your lover or hurt them with the rude things you say that leave a deeper scar. True, you may be frustrated and angry. But as an adult, you have the ability to exercise self control and say the right things without constantly trying to inflict pain on your partner.
The next time you get into an argument, you need to ask yourself this question, “Are you arguing with your partner because you want to fix the issue or are you arguing with them because you want to hurt them and put them down?”
Not all arguments are bad for a relationship. A fight or an argument is a plea that your partner wants to be heard. So if you find yourself standing across the room and you can’t see anything but red, remember that you aren’t confronting your enemy!
Here are 23 dos and don’ts in a relationship argument that you need to keep in mind the next time you’re in a confrontation with your lover. As long as you use these tips, your partner will feel more loved and respected, even if they’re angry with you at that moment!
#1 Don’t be silent. When your partner confronts you or asks you for an answer, don’t just ignore them or sit quietly like they’re not important enough to deserve a response. You may think that ignoring them may be the best way to deal with an angry lover, but in fact, they’ll feel worse when you do that! [Read: The right way to use silent treatment in a relationship]
#2 Don’t raise your hand. You’d get physical only when you have nothing worthy to say or defend yourself. You probably know you’re wrong and can’t justify yourself, and instead of accepting defeat, you use your hands to get even and show your power.
#3 Don’t kick them when they’re down. Don’t say extremely harsh statements to which your partner just has no answers *which aren’t even related to the argument* just to shut them up. “You’re a disgusting loser who can’t hold onto a job. You have no friends, no one likes you… you’re so miserable you make me sick…” is definitely not going to be accepted with a smile! [Read: 21 signs of emotional abuse you may be overlooking in your own relationship]
#4 Don’t ignore them. After the fight, don’t ignore your partner, especially when they’re pleading for your attention. If you don’t feel like talking to them, request them for some time alone. It’s way better than ignoring them and making them feel miserable.
#5 Don’t threaten your partner. Don’t say that you’re leaving or that you want to break up when you’re in the middle of an argument. It doesn’t matter whether you just say it to scare your partner or you really mean it, but an angry argument is not the scenario to bring up such a delicate issue. [Read: The right way to take a break and improve your relationship]
#6 Don’t use profanity. Avoid verbally abusing your partner or using profanity in an argument just to emphasize your point. It’ll just infuriate your partner or make them get more aggressive!
#7 Don’t be arrogant. “So what are you going to do about it?” is never a good way to communicate with your partner in the middle of an argument. It just shows your arrogance and your disregard in trying to understand your lover.
#8 Don’t use a few words. Avoid using words like “never” and “always” when you’re trying to say something in an argument because you’d only end up putting your partner on the offensive, because you’re turning their one mistake into a lifelong curse. “You always do that…” or “You never listen…” won’t ever help you in an argument unless you’re trying to hurt your partner. [Read: The power of the words you use and how it can make or break your relationship]
#9 Don’t confess just to hurt them. Many partners confess about something in the middle of an argument, and they defiantly stand up with their chest held high just to see how their partner would react. “Yes, I spent MY money without telling you!” or a “I slept with your best friend!” is not going to end the argument, it’ll just take the fight away on a completely different tangent!
#11 Don’t rake old issues. If you’re losing an argument, don’t bring up old issues form the past just to put your partner in place. Talk about the matter in hand and avoid straying from the present to the past, unless you want your partner to emotionally block themselves from you.
#12 Don’t compare. Comparisons hurt, and you’d know that if your partner ever compared you to someone else like their ex in the middle of a fight.
#13 Don’t inflict pain. Don’t say things that could emotionally hurt your partner, or demoralize them and make them feel more vulnerable. You may feel like hurting them while arguing with them, but saying something like “you’re such an loser …” or “you’re such a fool for letting this person walk all over you” will only make your partner see red and argue back with you even if you’re only trying to help them. [Read: Secrets of a love hate relationship – Can it ever work out?]
#14 Don’t gaslight. Don’t gaslight your partner, or manipulate your partner and confuse them with false information or false stories just to trick them into accepting what you have to say. They’ll realize it at some point of time, and it’ll only make them lose their trust in you.
#15 Don’t hear and tell. If someone in your family accuses your partner of something, don’t use an argument to reveal it all like they were always right. “My mom/dad was right about you… I really don’t know what I ever saw in you!” may make you feel vindicated for a few seconds, but it’ll leave your partner feeling hurt and angry, and they may just end up giving you the silent treatment. [Read: 10 relationship deal breakers you need to watch out for!]
#16 Don’t brush away your frustrations. If you’re angry and your partner accuses you of something, don’t brush it away under the carpet by saying things like “whatever…” or “I don’t care what you think…” Remember, your partner is upset with you because they’re feeling hurt. And you behaving like a spoilt child won’t make them feel any better.
#17 Don’t ignore your partner. If you’re angry with your partner, don’t slam the door and walk away only to hang out with your friends at the nearest watering hole to have some fun. Trying to show your partner that you can have a fun time without them, or trying to hurt your partner by showing them that you don’t care about the fight will only make both of you drift away from each other in no time! [Read: 12 real reasons why most couples drift apart over time]
#18 Don’t involve a third person. Don’t bring a third person as an arbitrator when your partner isn’t comfortable fighting or arguing their case in front of this person. Your partner may feel betrayed when you and the third person gang up together and try to explain why you’re right and your partner’s wrong!
#19 Do be honest. The first step in an argument is honesty. You need to be clear about why you’re angry and you need to talk about it with your partner. If you don’t know why you’re angry, tell your partner that you’re not sure why you’re upset but you just are. Starting an argument with sincerity and honesty will always help your partner understand what hurt you or what you need, and they’ll be able to discuss the issue instead of arguing about it.
#20 Do try to communicate. Really, why are you arguing? You’re arguing to fix a confusion, aren’t you? So is there really a need to hurt your partner? Instead of trying hurt them with harsh words, try to communicate with them so they can understand you and your expectations or demands. [Read: 25 must-follow relationship rules for successful love]
#21 Do try to calm down. It’s hard to see anything but red when you’re in the middle of an argument. But as angry as you may be, you need to understand that anger will never fix the issue. And past experiences would tell you the same thing. So when you feel unbearably angry, excuse yourself or sit down quietly for a few minutes until your anger ebbs down, and try to talk to each other without raising your voices.
#22 Do apologize. If you think you’re wrong, swallow your pride and tell your partner that you’re sorry. They may be taken aback by it, but they’ll appreciate your gesture and acknowledge your sincerity. And even if you’re right and your partner apologizes to you, you need to tell your partner that you’re sorry too because you lost your cool or because you misunderstood them. It’s the easiest way to avoid ego clashes and stay humble in each other’s eyes. [Read: The 80 20 rule in relationships and your love life]
#23 Always make up after a fight. As angry as you may feel, or as bitter as you may be, always make up after a fight. Walk up to your partner and hug them tightly for a minute or two. You don’t need to say a word, just hug them and try to remember just how much you love them, and just how much they mean to you.
After all, fights are inevitable in a relationship. But that doesn’t mean you should forget that both of you are in love with each other, right?
Relationship arguments are momentary, but the way you deal with it can reveal whether it’ll affect your romance negatively or better it over time. So keep these 23 dos and don’ts in mind the next time you’re angry with your partner, and it’ll definitely bring both of you closer with each new fight!
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A mom of two who’s currently working on a novel, Elizabeth Arthur lives in Cornwall. And when she’s not chasing her boys around the house, she enjoys sittin...