With busy schedules and tons of other priorities, sex and intimacy go further down on the list of things to do. But it doesn’t have to stay that way!
After being in a relationship for a long time, many couples start to complain that they don’t have enough sex anymore. They blame work, having children or even not having the drive to jump their partner’s bones. If you have the same problem, here’s what you can do to remedy that.
If you look at the research about intimacy between couples, a majority of them complain that their relationship is deteriorating because of a lack of sex. The good thing about it is that these people are aware of the problem. When you have identified the cause of the trouble within your relationship, you can start taking steps to remedy the problem. [Read: 20 sexual problems that are easy to avoid]
Why do people stop having sex?
When you are in a long term relationship, there is a very big chance that you and your partner can become complacent, in terms of affection and intimacy. It does not mean that your feelings are lessened. It just means that you and your partner rarely get in touch with your feelings towards each other, unlike the way you did when you first started seeing each other. So, why do these things happen?
#1 Time. Sometimes there just isn’t enough of it. When you first started seeing each other, you and your partner were theoretically on a deadline. You needed to spend as much time with each other and express yourselves fully, before either of you gave up on the idea of a relationship.
Now that you’re both committed to each other, you have all the time in the world to do the things that you put aside while you were dating. The downside is that you started to prioritize the mundane things, because you felt secure enough with your partner to do away with the prerequisites of being in a relationship – like intimacy and sex.
#2 Work. This is the most common reason why couples start to forgo sex and intimacy. Your job is your source of income, and it allows you to provide for yourself and your family. Most of the time, it can’t be considered as an excuse. It is just the truth.
Your job can be exhausting, and it prevents you from having enough time to connect with your partner. Aside from that, a person who is always preoccupied with work – even when they have free time – can forget about their partner’s needs, because they would rather prioritize their career.
#3 Children. Having children should not necessarily hinder a couple from keeping the intimacy alive in their relationship. However, the responsibility can sometimes be too much for the energy of both parents. At the end of the day, their exhaustion gets the better of them. This means that any sort of “alone time” is a moot point. [Read: 7 tips for reviving your sex life after having a baby]
#4 Lack of connection. Extenuating circumstances aren’t the only reasons why two people forget to be intimate. Sometimes, the problem lies with the people themselves. If two people grow apart, you can bet that any sort of intimacy cannot be achieved. It could be due to frequent fighting, lack of attention or just the disappearance of your feelings towards each other.
How can you bring back the intimacy?
Whenever you contemplate over the fact that you need to bring back intimacy within a relationship, you start to think that you and your partner are becoming an old couple. Try to put that out of your mind, because there are lots of old couples who have more intimacy in their relationships than youngsters these days. This is their secret:
#1 Communication. One way to bring back the intimacy in your relationship is for you and your partner to acknowledge that it has disappeared. You can do this by communicating with each other. Talk to each other about your feelings and how you can both find a way to solve your problem. [Read: 12 things couples can talk about to become closer]
#2 Spending time together. You can’t bring back the intimacy in a relationship, if you don’t spend time with one another. You have to make time no matter how difficult it is. Eat breakfast together, shower together or share a car on your way to work. You can always find a way to do this, and once you do, you can finally communicate and form the connection that you lost along the way. [Read: 10 ways to reignite the spark in your relationship]
#3 Getting some space. Apart from spending as much time together as possible, you and your partner have to give each other space as well. A night away from each other can do the trick. Spend time with your respective friends, and see how much you’ll miss each other after.
How can you make time to have sex?
Bringing back the intimacy in a relationship won’t be easy, if you and your partner aren’t connecting on a primal level. Sex is a medium that you can use to form deeper bonds with your partner. When you realize that you haven’t been having a lot of sex for a while, you need to make time for it, no matter what it takes.
#1 Quickies. Some people abhor quickies due to the fact that they rarely get off on it. The problem lies in your inability to connect with your partner. A quickie is simply a faster way to reach your climax. If one of you is unable to, do not give up. Find ways to give your partner the pleasure they deserve even if it’s just for a few minutes.
#2 Scheduled sessions. It may sound impersonal, but that should not be the case. You cannot ignore your priorities just for sex, but you can sneak it in when the opportunity permits itself. You can try to free up one night each week to try and have some fun between the sheets. Try to incorporate it into your routine. Eventually, you may find yourselves starting to rekindle that lost spark.
#3 Public places. This is not for the faint-hearted. This is also illegal in most places, but a balcony at a high-rise hotel or a private garage should suffice. Any location that can excite your senses is a good choice. Just make sure that no one is around, and that you won’t get in trouble for it. [Read: 7 adventurous places to have sex in]
#4 Vacations. Much like scheduled sessions, vacations can be the prime time for you and your partner to have sex. And lots of it. A vacation is not just an overnight excursion. You can get off work for at least three days. That is more than enough for you and your partner to hole up in a tropical location to explore each other’s bodies, until it’s time to get back to the real world. Although it’s a short time for you and your partner to connect, it will more than make up for the moments you lost before the trip. [Read: 10 reasons you should consider a sex vacation to revive intimacy]
Intimacy helps couples grow. Sex is not the only tool for intimacy, but it comes with the package. Whenever you feel like you and your partner are losing that spark you used to share, remember that you can always find a way to bring it back. Whether it’s through talking, watching television together or just sitting quietly while holding each other’s hands – any amount of affection you share can greatly enhance your intimacy towards each other.
Though intimacy may not seem as important as paying bills or taking care of the kids, it does make your relationship worth cherishing. It may not show right now, but decreased intimacy can lead to worse relationship problems in the future.
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Those who can’t do, teach. I can neither do nor teach as well as others, but I can try. Aside from being a writer, I am also a physical therapist. My dream is...