No matter the reason for being closed off, you need to be open if you want to find love. Knowing how to be emotionally available is essential for it.
There are a ton of reasons you might be closed off and emotionally unavailable. Maybe someone broke your heart before or perhaps you just had a shitty upbringing and aren’t sure how to be vulnerable with someone. If you want to find love, however, you need to learn how to be emotionally available first.
And it is something you can actually learn, too. You don’t have to be alone forever if you’re the type who can’t seem to get close to someone. If you truly want to be in love, you’ll need to learn how to be emotionally available.
Why some people just can’t connect with others in an intimate way
There are just people out there who struggle with this. They can’t seem to connect with someone on a deeper level and this leaves them alone and without love. Because in order to fall in love and have someone fall in love with you, you need to be able to open up to them.
Many people struggle with this. It could be because they’ve been hurt so bad their mind won’t let them get that close again. It’s a method of protection for them. Others just haven’t ever been close with anyone, so they’re not sure how it’s done. [Read: 25 red flags of an emotionally unavailable man]
How to be emotionally available so you can be happy and find love
Opening up and allowing someone to know the real you can be really scary. You’re showing them every part of you and not all of those bits are great. Fear is totally understandable.
However, love is something nearly all humans crave and if you’re one of them and aren’t sure how to be emotionally available, we can help. Here’s how you can learn to get closer to someone and be yourself so you can open up emotionally.
#1 Find the core of the issue. There’s a bigger problem at play here. If you can’t open up to people and get vulnerable, it’s usually due to a much larger issue. Think back and figure out what may be the problem.
Did an ex break your heart? Have you never been close to anyone before? Did something in your childhood affect your ability to get close to someone? Figuring out the root of the problem will help you start to mend it. Only then can you start learning how to be emotionally available. [Read: 16 signs you’re not ready for a real relatoinship]
#2 Move slower. Don’t rush your relationships. If someone tries to get really close to you and you start freaking out a little, just communicate with them. Explain that you’re not all that great at being emotionally available but you’re working on it.
If they really like you, they’ll accept that. Hell, they may even want to help in any way they can. Just talk to them and take your relationships a little bit slower so you can truly create a close bond with the person you like.
#3 Be friends first. Instead of going straight into a relationship with someone new, just focus on being friends first. Those who have issues being emotionally vulnerable with someone might find it easier if they begin as friends.
Your friendships are probably a lot deeper than any of your romantic relationships have been. Slowing down and deciding to just be friends for a while can help you open up without the added pressure of all the drama dating can bring. [Read: How to tell if you can go from friends to lovers]
#4 Talk about complex matters. Instead of just talking about everyday life, go for the bigger topics. When you get to know someone, avoid talking about their job or childhood. Instead, talk about issues in the world and complex matters.
This will help you get to know them in an intimate way but it’ll also force them to get to know you. When you discuss controversial topics, you’re not thinking about it in terms of opening up. It just feels like you’re just chatting about things you have strong opinions about.
#5 Commit to the idea of opening up. If you can’t commit to being more emotionally available, you won’t be. You need to make a conscious decision to be more open and stick to it.
#6 Be empathetic. Think about how the other person feels. Do you think it would really make them happy to see you being so distant all the time? It probably hurts them. Not to mention the fact that they probably don’t think you care about them as much as you do.
Put yourself in their shoes. What if they were acting the way you are? You’d probably be pretty upset. Trying to care about someone who is constantly pulling away is frustrating and hurtful.
#7 Realize how much you care about that person. Do you truly care about the person you want to get close with? If so, you really need to be working toward showing them how much you care. And that means opening up to them.
#8 Play fair. If they’re opening up to you, why would it be fair to hold everything back? You’re not being equal with one another. They’re doing all the work in the relationship and you’re just skating by, barely even putting forth an effort.
Because relationships take work on the emotional end, too. In order to make them fair and healthy, you both need to be open and vulnerable. That’s the only way you can build a successful relationship together.
#9 Take responsibility. While you can’t fully control your emotions, you can control your actions. You need to take responsibility for your love life and realize that it’s your fault you can’t find love.
That may sound harsh, but it might be what you need to tell yourself in order to get over being emotionally unavailable. If you own up to your own actions and take responsibility for the fact that you remain closed off, it’ll be easier to let go of that part of yourself so you can find love.
#10 Be patient with yourself. Relearning how to be open is not an easy thing. Your mind has been so protective of your feelings for so long that it’ll take a while to learn how to be emotionally available.
So be patient. Don’t get frustrated and give up. Take things a day at a time and remember what methods work for you and what ones are hardest. You can do this. Learning how to be emotionally available won’t be easy but it’ll definitely be worth it in the end.
Learning how to be emotionally available won’t happen overnight. It’ll take some time and reprogramming of your instincts in order to get there. If you truly want to find love someday, start opening up now.
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Bella is a lifestyle writer, cheese enthusiast (Wisconsin native over here) and fantasy adventure author-in-progress who enjoys all things love, dog, p...