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Relationships and Cheating – What is Cheating?

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Relationships and cheating are two complex terms that inevitably unite at some point in our lives. The temptation of cheating enters every single relationship, in the form of an invitation or a doubt, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. So what is cheating then, really?

Click here to read the introduction on cheating in a relationship.

what is cheating - relationships and cheating

Have you ever understood the bond that relationships and cheating hold with each other? As we’ve seen in the introduction, the more we’re aware, the more we tend to cheat. So what is cheating then?

Is it wrong to flirt with someone else when you’re in a relationship? Of course, everyone *knows* flirting with someone else is cheating.

Acknowledging this as the truth only makes you a liar and a cheat, because all of us flirt, whether in front of our partner or behind their back.

The French author Leon Paul Blouet once wrote that flirtation was ‘attention without intention’.

Whether you agree or not, we are all flirts in our own way. The only difference is that men do it obviously, and women are more subtle.

You’re only cheating if you actually follow up on your sexual innuendos.

Flirting can destroy trust, but whether you agree or not, everyone is a flirt.

Flirting, relationships and cheating

Flirtation is used today in most scenarios, to persuade a cab driver to take you somewhere out of their reach, to win over business deals, to persuade someone to employ you, to get a nickel off your overcharged fare, and what not!

The problem with flirting is that an individual does not always know when they are doing it. You could be talking to someone for one minute. And the next thing you know, you’re touching each other like a petting zoo. [Read: How to flirt by touching]

But let’s be realistic here. If there is a slight intention in the flirtation, then that is a different story, and anything but acting on it with the intention of having sex should not be taken seriously.

Flirting is fun, and an essential and universal part of human interaction. Everyone indulges in it, whether it’s in front of a partner or behind their back.

Our achievements in everything we do are merely side-effects of the essential ability to charm and impress others with our own abilities. An exchange of admiring glances or a bit of light-hearted flirtatious banter can brighten the day, raise self esteem, and strengthen social bonds. So before you throw a tantrum and ask your partner to stop flirting with others, ask yourself about your own flirting abilities and look beyond this age-old dilemma of cheating.

Flirting and text messages

Relationships and cheating have come really close ever since text messages came into our lives. Normally, this starts as cheap fun in an office atmosphere, but again, if it’s not acted upon, why are we getting ourselves worked up over words?

Haven’t you ever texted a friend back and forth and found yourself flirting? But you know you weren’t cheating on your lover, right? So what is cheating then? Is it cheating if your partner does the same thing?

Everybody knows that a text is just a text, and nothing else. When you start reading between the lines, you’d not only confuse yourself more, but you’re probably damaging a relationship over nothing.

This is where trust comes into play. If you’ve found your partner texting fascinating messages to someone else, then don’t assume it’s cheating. In fact, you should ask what it is they were doing and clear it up. The worst case scenario could be assuming something without knowing all the information. What could be assumed as cheating could easily be harmless fun, though it’s difficult to see your partner flirting as an amusement.

The course of true love never did run smooth. And remember, actions speak louder than texted words. If it bothers you, and you think that’s cheating, talk to your partner about it. [Quiz: Would you be unfaithful?]

Cheating with a glass of wine

A drunk encounter at a party with an ex-lover or a colleague at work can at times end up with both of you kissing each other. Or worse, the moment may just feel right and even before you know it, you may find yourself in someone else’s bed.

So did you just cheat on your partner? Quite frankly, you just did. But then again, as painful as it can feel, it was an accident. So again, what is cheating?

Is kissing someone else cheating?

The ultimate betrayal (apart from sleeping with someone else) is cheating via ‘the kiss.’ Yes, you’re not kissing the person you should be kissing, but you’re not exactly shagging them either.

What would be worse, you finding out that your partner kissed someone else, or you finding your partner sleeping with someone else?

It may be a mistake that you come to regret, but of those of us who are victims of this scenario, don’t let a kiss kill your relationship. You may feel insecure at first because you feel as though this should never have happened, but in reality, shit happens, heck, so do a lot of other things. You feel disgusted, victimized, unworthy and unloved, but don’t let yourself feel as though you’ve just experienced a scenario out of Carrie’s pages!

Life doesn’t imitate sitcoms, so don’t let yourself be fooled. Of course, the feeling of guilty conscience comes into play and may cause a situation whereby the victim finds it hard to regain the trust.

In life, we face many drawbacks, and in relationships we face them more because of the level of emotions involved. I’m not condoning everything, but neither do I condemn it. But, to endure yourself in misery, it depends on how you can get over it.

Getting over an unfaithful incident

What’s happened cannot be undone. Instead, you could take your own fate and decide to commit the exact same act upon your partner. But why? To feel that justice will be served? Hardly. If anything, trying to regain any kind of justice in a relationship isn’t possible. That doesn’t exist.

Justice is not served from relationships, love is, and to truly love is a test of one’s ability to move on. Just remember as Gandhi once said, ‘an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind’. [Read: Getting back with an ex for sex]

If you don’t want to feel miserable endlessly, you will have to try and forgive, forget or move out of it. There are far worse things in life that can happen to you, ones that are more worthy of your sorrow. The life and love we create is the life and love we live. If you face the situations that cheating seems to be defined as, it’s the belief in yourself and the way you think that will get you over this situation.

Ask yourself what is cheating, and define your boundary of faithfulness.

Too many relationships fail because the boundaries are not set at the beginning. But even if they are set, we get drawn into what is considered cheating by those that define it around us. We set boundaries based on what we see in the movies or in our friends’ lives. It is only up to you to know what is worth the value and what isn’t.

Perhaps, I’m an optimist, or even an idealist. But we only live once in this lifetime and to let your eyes believe you’re being cheated makes you blinder to the bigger picture.

In life, we all make mistakes and we all learn from them. But in love, when we make mistakes we don’t allow ourselves to learn because we are restricted by whatever boundaries are conceived upon us.

Today, the temptation to cheat and even the opportunities to cheat have increased ten fold. Opposite sexes spend days and nights together over work or while socializing, and it takes a small oversight to make a huge mistake. We don’t live in a fairy tale romance where there’s just one good damsel and one prince charming. We’re surrounded by lovely fairy tale people all the time.

So here we go again, what is cheating, really? [Read: Dating facts]

Define your own boundaries in a relationship, and you’ll be a lot happier in love. Cheating and relationships go hand in hand, but that’s only if you define it by the rules of old romantic novels. So what is cheating again? Make your own rules and let us know what they are!


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Have your say!
  • DEE
    October 21, 2011 | Permalink |

    Is oral , sex? I told my guy I never had sex with anyone since we started going out but one night at a friends party a friend gave me an orgasm orally during a game of dare.Now I am wondering is this classed as sex and should I tell him or leave him happy not knowing

  • Clarisse
    October 21, 2011 | Permalink |

    @DEE, oral sex is not the same as sex. But oral sex is pretty much right there at the top. It’s almost like sex.

    So if youdid get oral sex from another friend, it’s still definitely something that’ll upset your boyfriend. The tricky part here is that if you do tell him that you cheated on him over a game, he’ll definitely leave you. On the other hand, even if you keep it a secret, he may get to know eventually.

    Do what you feel is right, tell him if your conscience matters more than your relationship, because there seems to be no future here if you tell him you got oral sex from someone else.

  • Dee
    October 22, 2011 | Permalink |

    Does it count if a blindfold and alcohol means you don’t even know who gave the orgasm. I am guessing it was a girl because I never had a tongue work on me like that before. Is it cheating or just getting carried away in the fun?

  • Christoff
    October 22, 2011 | Permalink |

    @Dee, my advice to you is to not tell your guy about it. It looks like you had a lot of fun. Keep it that way and forget about it. If your boyfriend was there, he would have done the same thing. But he wasn’t so he will never understand you or why you participated in that.

    If he ever finds out, tell him you’re really soory about it but it all happened so fast, and you were drunk. And you were feeling really bad to tell him about it. Unless you’re boyfriend can think of it from your perspective and be understanding, he’d be pissed off!

  • Someguy
    December 6, 2011 | Permalink |

    I read about 20 articles on this site tonight. It is the first time I’ve seen this site. At first, I thought there were some good things to read here within the few articles I had read. The more I read on about the different articles offered here, the more I dislike the morals behind most of them. Being drunk is never an excuse to cheat. I agree that maybe defining your particular set of rules as to what cheating is may help to clear up a lot of problems. However, a kiss, grabbing someone’s junk, oral sex, anal sex, slapping someone’s ass, these are all cheating. The reason why? You have broken a boundary of trust with your partner. Unless they clearly stated otherwise “Oh no, it’s fine, you can kiss other girls/guys”, then this is cheating. The fact that you would be an advocate to forgiving someone who has betrayed your trust is just utterly stupid on your part. I don’t care if the saying once a cheater always a cheater is true or not. The point remains, they betrayed your trust. Game over. And Dee, you’re not a very good person in my opinion.

  • Patrick
    December 11, 2011 | Permalink |

    I agree completely with someguy.

    It’s still cheating if it’s an accident.

    @ Dee: Oral SEX. Seems to be obvious.

  • eve
    December 16, 2011 | Permalink |

    What is worst to sleep with someone or for for an actual relationship with another person while married

  • dogshavefeelings
    April 11, 2012 | Permalink |

    well, my girlfriend thinks that i am cheating on her because i wanted to talk to a girl who added her in facebook to ask her the reason why she added my girlfriend. the girl was a complete stranger to us. so I asked my gf if I can ask her why she added my gf. but it turns out badly.
    she is now accusing me as a cheater. she said that having the thought of talking to someone else is cheating.
    so I’m asking you guys what is your opinion on this?
    is talking to a stranger with the consent of the gf is cheating?

  • WTH?
    May 8, 2012 | Permalink |

    did anyone else wonder what the hell kind of parties does “Dee” go to???!!

    ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

  • Shitouttaluck
    June 7, 2012 | Permalink |

    So! This article made sense but I need opinions. I started dating my friend two years ago. I never really actually been in a relationship and before him I only kissed one other person. I was a virgin and sex kissing love always freaked me out it was the last thing on my mind.last night we were all drinking our bestfriend and I walked to the store alone I was wasted and I think we kissed I don’t remember the act just the conversation it was like “ew I don’t even like you like that OMG! Wtf?” We freaked out and I was being so evil I said don’t act like you’re not attracted to me and he said we had a connection for ever but it’s so wrong and I said I dont understand anything I don’t get it. Because I don’t understand why it happened I love my boyfriend we’ve been through so much I never had a thought like that last thing I want is too htort him and I have horrible ocd in my drunk head I honestly felt like it was my bf with me walking. Anyways I TS my boyfriend and he laughed and said he doubt I kissed our friend that we’re both stupid for all we know we hit heads or got too close and assumed we kissed that the other guy has a wild mind and Im naive and believed the accusation and I was really wasted

  • Shitouttaluck
    June 7, 2012 | Permalink |

    Gosh typos anyways he said I was wasted and it was okay that he doubts it happened I asked what if it did and my bf replied he’d be mad but it wouldn’t break us up and he told he knows me I’m not capable of that and too stop tripping but he’s too calm I feel disgusted and I want to ask our friend but he doesn’t remember the night at all. I don’t like myself I want to leave him so he can find someone better whose good for him.idk it happened.. it meant nothing and when I think bout it, it makes me nauseous because if I did kiss him it would be like kissing my brother. It’s so f***** up! So do I just say screw it move on? I feel like I can’t trust myself anymore.

  • Facepalm
    June 29, 2012 | Permalink |

    While reading the article, I learned that flirting is considered cheating by some/many, this is something I never would have imagined. I am a flirtatious guy, I flirt with everyone and by god if that was the case I would be the biggest cheater on the planet. The thing is I’m not the biggest cheater on the planet. Why? Because flirting is not cheating. When you flirt it does not mean you have the intention.

    Another thing, slapping someone’s ass isn’t what I would call cheating. Depending on the circumstance and the motive, it could mean MANY different things. I mean people do it to me as a joke, and I do the same back, but that’s just a friendly thing, but I also know the people very well. But by this logic is dancing with someone who is not your partner cheating?

    Because if so, I bet you that someguy and Patrick, you are BOTH cheaters.

    Then about the drunken involvement, it’s not necessarily an excuse, but it can’t be taken to heart depending on the circumstance. For starters, if you are so drunk you can barely think straight, how do you expect to have the mental ability to goose between “right and wrong” I mean you’re already drunk off your ass, so you kinda threw what’s right out the window. And if you do end up being involved with someone, you can’t really control it, because you are not in the conscious state to do that. The next thing that determines the reaction, if you (or the partner) who did this, goes around telling people with a smirk and is proud of it, kick them to the curb. BUT if that person realizes the nature of the act they committed, and truly feels guilty about it, then it is not reason enough to separate.

    Now comes the issue of the kiss. Oh this one is a weird bridge to cross. So kissing, there are different types, the soft peck, the awkward kiss, the spit-swapper, the I’m-ramming-my-tongue-down-your-throat-and-so-are-you kiss, then there’s the friendly kiss, the passionate kiss, etc. Now, I have never kissed another girl, while being in a legitimate relationship with someone else, so I want to clear that to begin. Here’s where I’m going, how many of you have had a best friend of the opposite sex, that the only way to describe it is that you love(d) them to death? Not a relationship kind of love, not a sibling kind of love, but somewhere right down the middle. I have kissed a few best friends who were like this to me.

    Now I would never be in a relationship with them, I just, can’t. But they know more about me than my girlfriends. So isn’t it only natural to feel a slight interest? So I have kissed friends like that to me, obviously they were okay with it, and I was NOT in another relationship at the time. But it wasn’t the kind of kiss that is the like super sexual kiss, it was basically a kiss that words can’t describe how much that person means to you, and almost a thank you for being there to listen and for caring for so long.

    If you do so happen to have one of these in a relationship, then I think ot would be excusable, so long that it never happens again, and that it doesn’t get talked about, or further acted upon (similar to the drunken thing). But if a partner does kiss some random person, yeah, it’s messed up but depending on how they act afterwards should determine the result. So to shitouttaluck, it wouldn’t be fair to break up with him after he has forgiven you. He still loves you and wants to stay with you even though that happened. But you want to leave him because you are mad at yourself? So not only are you punishing yourself, but you’re punishing him, for something you feel guilty about. That’s not fair at all. Stay with him, you two care about each other a lot.

  • Sam
    July 6, 2012 | Permalink |

    So, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 yrs (I am 18). Recently I was at a party with one of my best guy friends (who has been longer than I’ve dated my bf), I got super hammered, and it was very, very hot outside. We decided to go skinny dipping, and we tried really hard to get other people to come with us but no one would. We went anyways, but I told him he couldn’t look at me and he had to keep his distance.

    Needless to say he did not keep his distance, even though I would try to swim away. I let him touch me, but not in sexual ways, just the kinds of touching that happens when people go swimming. Like dunking, splashing, ect. I told my boyfriend that I went skinny dipping with our friend, do I tell him that the guy touched me too? I mean it wasn’t like him caressing me in any way whatsoever, we joked about each other’s nakedness but I think thats a normal thing to do when you skinny dip with people. I feel like the worst person though because I left out the contact part, I said we stayed a distance because I faltered and got worried. I have been pretty bent out of shape about it, and feel like I don’t deserve my bf because he is so wonderful and understanding. Was it cheating, do you think he can forgive me? Should I tell him?

  • Sally
    July 6, 2012 | Permalink |

    When I first met my now husband, I had just gotten out of a bad relationship. I cheated on him with my ex during the first 6 weeks we were dating. We are now married for four years, and I am considering telling him because I love him so much and feel guilty. I have justified it for years because we were never “technically” together. What do you all think??

  • Sophia
    July 9, 2012 | Permalink |

    I would like to see what others think about my situation. I decided to divorce my ex husband back in September on the grounds that he was abusive. I left and told him that I wanted to be separated. We became legally separated at that point.

    About October I met a guy and started seeing him but we were not a couple or exclusive. About mid October, me and my ex started playing around with the idea of getting back together if he changed his ways. We never decided at what time we were going to do this so I still was seeing this other guy.

    When my ex found out, by hacking my Facebook, he said that I was cheating on him because I had intentions of us getting back together. He also said I was cheating because we were divorced yet even though he got a girlfriend soon after all this. I am just confused because I don’t know whether I was cheating or not. I lean more towards not but I can’t be sure. I didn’t have those intentions that’s for sure, if I was 100 percent sure it would be cheating I wouldn’t have done it. What do you guys think?

  • Confused
    July 26, 2012 | Permalink |

    I’m with Someguy on this, and I absolutely haven’t come close to cheating ever. I’ve been with my man for 3 years, and I’ve never felt a single twinge of interest for another person since. I don’t flirt, and I certainly don’t do any of the other acts. “Accidents” don’t happen; unless its rape. It always takes two to tango. If you are in a committed relationship with someone you truly love, then yes, kissing and anything around that area is cheating. When you are in love, there should never be any feelings or attraction for others. Sure, there are handsome men out there, but I would never consider getting “feely” with them. Maybe I’m just crazy to think that people can actually be loyal to each other, but trust is just too important to me.

  • Jess
    September 6, 2012 | Permalink |

    Cheating is getting caught. Till you get caught you aren’t cheating. Sharing my body and allowing others to enjoy me is not the same as loving them. You can have sex with more than one person at a time but you really can’t love two people at the same time as you do your partner. I’m honest with my heart where it matters and careful in the other matters to keep it very hidden. It’s the best of both worlds.

  • Jessica
    September 8, 2012 | Permalink |

    Ive learned that I flirt… but very unaware of it.. it has the Guy of my dreams falling back from me… I really love him and him and I was together for four years.. so I’m trying my best to change what I’m unaware of..I told him that I’m just a friendly person but that doesn’t give him any comfort …. what can and shall I do?

  • Jinelee
    September 16, 2012 | Permalink |

    If your friend shows you a message your husband sent her and it says he wants to sleep with her and they schedule a place and time, Is it considered cheating if he actually shows p to the place waiting for her?

  • TiredofdaBullshitExcuses
    October 3, 2012 | Permalink |

    Listen, I feel if the person would be hurt and upset if it was done to them then they shouldn’t do it. ANYONE in a relationship will NOT be okay with their partner getting or giving oral sex to someone else, kissing someone else, touching someone else in a sexual way, having sex with someone else, or sending and receiving sexts and naked photos. Lets be real! Drunken stupidness is NOT an excuse, if you can’t control your drinking to the point that you’re gonna kiss, suck, lick, have sex, or talk sexually to another person who is NOT the person you are in a relationship, then you shouldn’t be drinking, PERIOD. I’ve been drunk off my ass and around hot ass guys and have never once decided “Hmmm I’m drunk soo I’m gonna let this dude give me oral sex even though I have a boyfriend”. Control your alcohol or leave, I can’t risk my heart for someone who has not sense of self-control. Why be in a relationship with someone if you’re just going to go around giving yourself away to everyone else and doing what you do with your partner, with everyone else. Just be single then and allow the other person to find someone that willing and capable of being in a loyal, faithful relationship as much as they are. If you kiss someone else and you KNOW that if I did it, you would feel hurt and betrayed, then guess what? You cheated on me. Plain and Simple. If it wouldn’t bother you, but would still bother me and you want to be with me, then don’t do it and vice versa, if not we can just go our separate ways. There are billions of people in the world to waste your time on someone who doesn’t want or give the same in a relationship as you do.

  • Jenny
    October 8, 2012 | Permalink |

    Hi there, My partner cheated —2months ago, He let some women at work give him oral and they kissed, they had also been txting each other since it happened. ( I found out by chance because she sent him a message on his iphone, which came through to our ipod, He has told me everything and I have also spoke to that horrible women. We are trying to work thing out, But I cant stop thinking about what he has done. We have two children together, and stypidly I love him.

    Has anyone else been through this, and got through his. Thanks inadvance

  • sandra
    December 2, 2012 | Permalink |

    Hi, I’ve been dating a man for a year, and asked him where he thought our relationship was headed at the beginning of Nov. He couldn’t give me an answer. The month prior I had asked him to move in with me, and he skirted giving me an answer. I figured, he’s not that into me, and Im not going to wait around, twiddling my thumbs for an answer – I’m in my 30′s. Anyway, I was disappointed, and told him. I have a friend from an online class I talk to, about class stuff a lot, and he and I started sending texts outside class – he lives thousands of miles away. This wasn’t sexual, it was sending pics of where I live, of me, my dog etc kind of photos. One night he sent a text that he wished he could kiss me, I replied okayyyy….! Innocent TMs, but I did wonder about him and I, and told a friend of mine via FB email. I was frustrated (still am) about being single/alone no focused relationship. Well, the guy I was dating the past year hacked into my FB account and saw my messaging between my friend, then proceeded to hack my phone TMs and peek in my Windows one night while I talked on the phone with my mom & friends – thinking I was ‘cheating’ on him!

    If a guy has no clue where he wants the relationship to go, and can’t answer a pretty simple question – then he’s not into me! He considers what I did as cheating, I don’t – I was talking with another man, whoopee! I also thought ‘maybe’ I could date him, ‘whoopee!!’ What do you all think?

  • Lilith
    January 7, 2013 | Permalink |

    i found some disturbing messages from my bf of 9 months asking other women if one wanted to talk dirty for a while and telling the other she was the best lay he ever had and that her vag was ” tight and warm ” PLUS messaged his ex after he told me he NEVER talks to his exs. i dont know wiether or not its cheating but its sure as hell disrespectful towards me, i know now that i cant trust him alone for even a few hours without him doing that behind my back. ( i was at a drs appt while he was doing all this ) i got his old facebook back and had to change the password and email so he cant give me the ” my fb must have gotten hacked again ” excuse. when i saw those messages i wanted to die. it wouldnt be the first time my bf/ex did this to me behind my back or physically cheated on me. i have panic/anxiety attacks and severe depression and severely low self esteem to the point where if i find something out like that i feel like im not good enough or wanted.

  • Laura
    January 7, 2013 | Permalink |

    My boyfriend has always been the flirty and jokey type, even long before we met. We’ve been together almost 4 years and I found out last year that he spent a very big portion of our relationship chatting to girls, flirting, talking dirty and so on. I obviously see this as cheating because he betrayed my trust, he knew what he was doing was disrespectful to me and our relationship but because there was no physical cheating involved, should I just move on and believe him when he says he knows he loves me and he will never do it again? I don’t know what to do. I feel like i’m not good enough or he wouldn’t have felt the need to always talk to other girls. But when we were together we couldn’t have been happier. I don’t understand.

  • Annie
    April 6, 2013 | Permalink |

    Hi I need help I was at a 21st when I got very drunk and people saw me dirty dancing with some guy I can not remember this and my bf saw to I also ended up touching a girl and kissing her not a pash just a kiss on lips now my bf won’t forgive me as he says I cheated and I dirty danced it was never on purpose to hurt him and I never planed to go out of my way to cause him pain I love him very much and I wish he could see that I didn’t ever plan to cheat as he says I hate myself for it am I a bad person

  • Jess
    April 12, 2013 | Permalink |

    My bf and I have been together for 4 years now. And about a year
    Ago I went overseas and I must say that’s I was saying some pretty Nasty things before I left which wasn’t the best idea.
    When I was overseas he told me that he kissed another girl. I am with him now but I feel so betrayed. I do love him but I don’t think I could ever trust him.
    What would you do…?

  • Kyle
    April 21, 2013 | Permalink |

    Okay, first to address the article: While yes, it is important to define the terms of what is acceptable in the relationship, the vast majority of relationships have the same boundaries… You sleep with only me, there is only oral and heavy petting with me, you can kiss and touch others under certain circumstances only. The only real issue I have with the article is that the tone leads to the feeling that cheating is all in the mind of the jealous one, and that you shouldn’t feel bad for “cheating” if it isn’t something that would bother you otherwise.

    Bull. The “we all make mistakes” routine is only played by those who don’t actually feel bad for cheating… if this is what you’ve been hearing, maybe you need to have a serious conversation with your partner about said boundaries.

    To address the other comments I’ve seen: Intent to act is the only grey area I see in all of the above anecdotes; everyone that has acted, including those under the effects of copious amounts of alcohol, did in fact cheat on their significant other. LET ME SAY IT AGAIN – Alcohol does NOT excuse those actions, because it was still you. If you are worried about “not being yourself” because you drank too much (which is also bull, btw), then how about showing a little restraint, for the sake of your relationship if not for the sake of your own health?

    Now, that being said, cheating does not automatically end a relationship, as several here have already pointed out. If the cheater is truly apologetic and the other person in the relationship is willing to forgive them and rebuild that trust, then the relationship can begin anew. And it will begin anew, because you Will have to rebuild that trust. From scratch. And there is one key factor that I haven’t mentioned yet: The cheater MUST be willing to do, essentially, everything in their power to not cheat again… because that Will end the relationship, unless the other person is a fool. If that means cutting back on alcohol, or not going to crazy parties, then you need to decide which is more important to you: Those wild, crazy times of blacking out, or your significant other.

    And as an addendum, to address one final note: If you and your partner decide that anything goes as long as the only emotional connection is with each other, and that makes you happy? To Hell with what boring old stiffs like me think is proper, enjoy your relationship and enjoy your partner :)

  • Kyle
    April 21, 2013 | Permalink |

    Sorry, one last addition… I just re-read what I wrote and realized I probably sounded like a pompous ass, so I would like to make sure it is clear… just because some people abuse the “everyone makes mistakes” line does not mean mistakes don’t happen… how else do people learn their limits but by crossing them a few times? These are not the end of the world, but it is still all about sincerity and trust between the two partners… If one mistake is enough to make your partner never willing to trust you again, maybe they weren’t mature enough to be with you seriously… then again, if your one mistake was really that bad (a drink kiss or dance probably doesn’t count, though it’ll surely lead to a fight), maybe you should be keeping yourself on a short leash till you learn those limits…

    Once again… Honesty, Communication, and Love… Trust will come in due time.

  • Torsh Johansen
    April 23, 2013 | Permalink |

    Yes, kissing someone is cheating. Chasing someone is cheating. “Emotional Cheating” is not a mild or less-bad version of “cheating”. We like to be more strict in the definition where we know we’ve crossed the line or could see ourselves crossing the line.

    If you have a crush on someone at work and you take action to pursue it, you’re cheating.

    If you’re attracted to a friend of yours and you’re positioning yourself to see them, to be around them, and take actions in those directions it’s just under-the-radar pursuing which you may not be fully aware of — but you Are Cheating.

    If you go out on even a casual not-really-a-date-but-hangout with someone you like in that way, or knowing they like you in that way — you’re Cheating.

    If you build a “life boat” when your relationship’s on the rocks with someone else … setting things up so when you break up, you’ll be with them right after — you’re Cheating.

    And obviously, engaging in kissing-or-more is cheating, too.

    Basically, any emotional pursuit of someone else, even with no initial expectations at all, or engaging in sexual physical activity from 1st base or more, is Cheating.

    That is why most people have cheated at some point in their lives, in either a not-so-serious dating relationship to a marriage. People will re-define things when things are on the rocks as not really cheating if there was no sex and their ex was an a-hole anyway, etc etc. But if you’re honest about it — most people have crossed lines in pursuit and/or physical barriers crossed.

  • kim
    May 30, 2013 | Permalink |

    Me and my fiance are having problems because he just found I cheated on him and slept with 2guys when we weren’t together our friend is saying that if we both agree he can get back at me and just start over fresh I love him with my heart and soul has it worked before

  • Mike
    June 22, 2013 | Permalink |

    It’s really quite disgusting what has become okay these days. what happened to being faithful? What happened to loving one person and conducting yourself in a manner that shows that? With intent or not, by accident or not, because you were drunk or high or not, anything intimate with someone other than your significant other is cheating if that’s what your boundaries are. And if you haven’t been smart enough to set boundaries, you’re both at fault. I will be the first to admit I have been unfaithful in past relationships. I also not recognize the devastation it causes. I’ve managed to learn from my lessons. I hope some of the people that have posted comments on here learn theirs too.

  • Laura
    June 28, 2013 | Permalink |

    So the other night I was at a bar with a few of my friends. I got really drunk, and spent the whole time blabbing about how much I missed my boyfriend as he was away on a holiday for the week. The next thing I know my best friend (who’s a girl) and I start making out. I’ve never made out with a girl before and it was strange that it was my best friend but for some stupid reason I didn’t pull away quick enough. I felt guilty and uncomfortable about it afterwards. My boyfriend had told me in the past that he doesn’t mind if I kiss other girls, but obviously he meant under different circumstances where he could be there to give it the ok. I don’t know what fueled the kiss with my best friend, I know with all my heart that I love my boyfriend of 3 years, I never thought I would be stupid enough to ruin our perfect relationship like this. He’s gotten back from his trip now and feels completely betrayed and wants a break. He said he can’t trust me anymore. But I know in my heart that I could never hurt him again like I’ve hurt him now. At the time I didn’t consider it cheating as it was with a girl, it meant nothing and I was under the impression that my boyfriend wouldn’t care. But I realised once I sobered up that it was wrong and it really shouldn’t of happened. I love my boyfriend so much so the time apart is really hard for me. Do you think we have a chance of things going back to the way they were?

  • monica
    July 17, 2013 | Permalink |

    Do you consider it cheating if your man or woman rubs your best friend leg in a sexual way because my guy did this to my friend and I’m having a very hard time trying to forgive him

  • monica
    July 17, 2013 | Permalink |

    And he also did it in my house while i’m in my bed asleep

  • Angela
    July 23, 2013 | Permalink |

    I just found out that well now my ex boyfriend had a girl make a video of him dancing nude and Nasty but he says he didn’t touch her. Is that cheating. It hurt me so bad and I can’t even look at him. A friend of mine stole the video for me to see

  • Anonymous
    July 26, 2013 | Permalink |

    Is kissing your best friend in the spur of the moment cheating? Even if you don’t feel anything for her? (both of us are girls but that really shouldn’t matter)

  • Jack
    August 31, 2013 | Permalink |

    So I feel really shitty about one night that I haven’t told my girlfriend about I really love my girlfriend alot and i dont know what to do, the other night when I was drunk I let a girl just feel me I had clothes on she also was kissing me not on the lips I would pull away. Should I tell her should I even feel bad?

  • Anon
    October 1, 2013 | Permalink |

    If your husband tells someone ells on text messages he loves her but did nothing. is that cheating?

  • Todd
    October 25, 2013 | Permalink |

    I’m with Someguy, too. The author is WAY off base on some of this.

    It’s NOT an accident to start making out with someone. Ever. If it is an accident, then there’s JUST AS MUCH chance one would make out with their own brother or sister than the cute guy or girl at the party. I can’t believe the author would propagate that BS! :)

    Cheating doesn’t require full-blooded, exact “adultery” by religious or legal standards. It’s violating the same TYPE boundaries that give people the same TYPE (not necessarily exact Level) of pain & hurt.

    It comes in different degrees, and given the nature of the relationship, there can be forgiveness and even continuing the relationship. Obviously if you walk into her bedroom door and seeing her getting gang-banged — No. If she was on Spring Break with some gal pals while you guys were fighting and she and her friends ended up paling around with celebrities and she let Owen Wilson kiss her some in the parking lot, then she pushed him away and said “I can’t do this, I’m sorry…” then reached out to her BF crying for forgiveness — Yes, that’s workable/forgivable.

    The problem is that our inner “gut” emotions are Really Bad at coming to conclusions of technical right & wrongs when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. Things can feel “okay” even though admittedly not the best, when it’s Really Bad, but doing it feels “So Right” in the moment — and our peers will back us up with biased favor, so we’ll even moreso think we’re not bad when we cheat to some degree.

    Don’t kiss others. Don’t CHASE others (that’s CHEATING). Only start building what could be a non-platonic relationship (of any kind) with others AFTER you’ve broken up, not while you’re still together.

  • WhatDoYouThink
    November 26, 2013 | Permalink |

    Me and my gf became together after dating eachother for two (while datinh others) and a month while daiting just eachother. To quick in my opionion, but it has a reason. I was going to move away for 4 months. So I just popped the question asking her if she wanted to be together. I never get into a relationship if I really don´t see something in her, so this was my second girlfriend and I am 26. When I am singel I date really a lot. So this girl became something more to me.

    So i moved away and we were in a relationship. She had never been in a really relationship before, she is 23, so she was unsure on some things. Like how to behave and what are bounaries you can cross and can´t cross. I explainded to her what I thought was right and not and we agreed in the end on something both could live for. This girl is also a bit insecure in ways she behaves and I can tell she needs some more attention than others, but that´s ok. This girls also has super super conscience and is afraid of doing the wrong thing, in private and also in the relationship. So she sometimes really overreacts.

    Anyway to fastforwared, after beeing together for 1 & 1/2 month she was planing to visit me. A week before she ended up partying hard with a lot of her classmates and instrocturs. She became really drunk. She called me 2 days later and told me about what happend and this is what happened: Beeing in the bar she remembers standing really close to her instroctur while others also was around. She said it was room to stand somewhere else but she stood really close to this guy, like inbetween his legs but she did not sit on his lap. She remembers having thoughts that it would be nice if he touched her on her back, but this did not happened. When the guy also told he was in a relationship, she felt that it was a bit bad. Nothing more happened. When asking her girlfriend some days later what she thought about what my gf had done, because she saw it. Her girlfriend told her that this was not something she would have done if she was in a relationship, but that she did not seemed to want to cheat but more like wanting attention.

    Fastforwared an hour they all came home to their studenthome. After haveing a bit afterparty it was time to sleep. She and a guy friend of her stopped at the stairs to their room. She told him she needed some attention. They sat on the stairs stroking eachother on the back and on the stomach with cloths on. She was still very drunk. She remembers also stopping stroking eachother when someone went pat them. She alos remembers to having some thoughts about it would have been nice if something more happend while sitting on the stairs talking with this guy. She also remebers that she seemed to haveing thoughts that this stroking may be wrong. She also told me that she had been hooking up with this guy a year before me and her became together. But nothing more happened and they wnet to sleep.

    So she called me two days later and told me about this and had such a regret. I became mad and said i needed few days to think about it. Anyway she came to visit me, and this was still a topic because she felt such a regret and she was afraid that this relationship would be built on a lie since she had done what she had done and had thoughts she had had, and also not sure about all her thoughts.When asking her if she would have kissed him if he tried to kiss her, she is not sure, but is afraid that she might have returned it because she had allt hose thoughts already. When asking her if she had feelings for this guy. She said absolutely not. So this is where it is. She feels superbad and is also afraid that this realtionship might be build on a lie because of the thought she had that night and the things that happened at the bar and on the stairs. All she wants is to be with me.

    I am spinning both ways, forgive because this was not completely cheating and she feels so bad and I knwo she has this super conscience or not forgive her because she is not sure if she would have kissed him back or not if he tried, because she had these thoughts.

    What do you guys think? I really appreciate every answer. I really need to try to think rationally and make the best decision.

    All The Best

  • John
    December 2, 2013 | Permalink |

    I have a girlfriend for almost 7 months. We have our ups and downs, but nothing major. Last week I was hanging out with my friends and we went to a college party, while she was away at her home town for the weekend. I started talking to this girl I had sex with about 3 years ago, which i hadn’t talked to for about the same time. It was a one night stand at the time and we stopped talking for some stupid reasons. At that party we started talking again, mostly to understand why we stopped talking 3 years ago. When I came to my senses, she was holding her head in my shoulder and we kissed. It was just one kiss because the moment I realized what I was doing, I stopped immediatly. All I could think about was my girlfrind and how I wasn’t supposed to do that, she didn’t deserve it, and that I loved her to much to cheat on her. So I stopped and said to the girl that we should stop right there and we did. She said she was drunk and so was I, she went to her friends and i went to mine. The next day I woke completly in panic thinking that I cheated on my girlfriend and she would end the relationship. All I could think about was that kiss, that regretable kiss and I felt like shit, like iIve never felt in my life. So it came time to decide. Should I tell her what happenned? Should I tell her that I kissed another girl?
    Well, i didn’t. And here’s why. Because at that moment, that unfaithful moment, I realized three things: first, that I truly like my girlfriend. Second, that I was incapable of cheating on her. Third, that she was the only one I could think on. So I decided not to tell her. Because if I did, I know she would end the relation for something that wasn’t that bad, it wasn’t like if we kissed like crazy or went to bed, it was just one god damned kiss. And I love her to much to hurt her for some stupid mistake that meant nothing. I mean, if i had truly cheated on her, it would be different. I’d have a completly different weight in my conscience which I wouldn’t bear. But that wasn’t it. Actually, that was the moment I realized I loved her, for real.
    So, what i want to say from this experience is that a relationship is something we should preserve if we truly like our partner. And that there are things we should keep for ourselves, for the best. Don’t get me wrong I mean, a true relationship is built on confidence in one antoher. If you go to bed with someone else or even if you kiss somebody else with intention, you should tell and maybe start thinking about what’s going on. Otherwise, if you are in a situation like i have been, where it was just one small kiss and stopped it right there because you actually love your girlfriend, then forget about it, it isn’t worth to be mentioned and it isn’t worth to create a fight over it. Your relationship is much bigger than a kiss, and your girlfriend doesn’t deserve to be hurted for something as little as that.

  • Christine
    December 3, 2013 | Permalink |

    I took my husband after cheating on me and it’s been about year. I have a problem my x boyfriend text me every morning and I see him around town a lot. Well today I seen him we started kissing and one thing led to another. Well nobody had orgasm and when I realized what was happening I stopped. Is that consider cheating and should I tell my husband?

  • Charles Hindsley
    February 7, 2014 | Permalink |

    What about a masturbation toy for women when they use it. Is that cheating?

  • Juliet
    February 19, 2014 | Permalink |

    I am in a Long distance relationship for 3 1/2 years and we met twice already and planning to meet again for the 3rd time and take the relationship to the next level. But I am now having a second thought because before we met the first time he had a female friend and though he tells me that they are just friend they go out lots for coffee,lunch,see movie together lots of times and he even goes into her house to watch movie in her couch. He always say that he never cross boundaries with her aside from an occasional hug whenever they met in the meeting as greeting each other. But something happened between them and then my bf began opening up to me he, said that he felt that the woman used him for so many reasons mostly financial, though it hurts me every time I think that I should be the one who is going out for coffee, lunch,dinner and movie with my bf but since I was thousand miles away from him I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt. Before I forgot the women was in a relationship with other men also and they only hang out whenever the guy is out working in another city. Just recently my bf said that the same woman who is now single tried to get back on him,she text him, sit beside him in the meeting and ask him to have dinner in her house and even has guts to tell everyone in the meeting that she only goes to the meeting to see my bf. My bf tells me everything and even forwarded me her text messages. Being an Asian woman my belief are more of the old ways and though I never told my bf that I always consider his relationship/friendship with the woman as form of cheating to me since he always said that cheating to him is thru physical contact. Should I believe him or should I stick to my belief that a man is not supposed to go out/hang out with another woman when he is in a relationship. I do love him but if I want to take the relationship to the next level I want to clear some beliefs I have vs his beliefs about cheating. Please give me an advise.

  • Joe
    March 3, 2014 | Permalink |

    Cheating is the lowest thing ever. My ex, got drunk and “accidentally” fell on some guys member…she didn’t tell me until I found myself sick in the hospital with a nasty STD. Thankfully it was a curable one, but my ability to trust will never be cured.

  • kay
    April 3, 2014 | Permalink |

    So I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and 3 months into our relationship I saw nasty text messages on his phone between him and another girl. I confronted him about it and he begged me to stay with him, he cried and said that everyone deserves a second chance. So I gave him one…but since then he hasn’t stopped. I found him doing that to 3 other women and I am at a loss. Our relationship is amazing when we are together but it’s like the moment he leaves me he is living a double life…I know I deserve better but he can be so convincing when we talk about us and our future….any thoughts?

  • Pauline
    April 9, 2014 | Permalink |

    I love my boyfriend and I have never cheated on him nor do I want to cheat on him. Its long distance and we only get to see each other about once a year. (we’ve been dating for a year and a half) But I do have thoughts of kissing other people and even sleeping with other people.. I feel guilty. i think its the fact that we’re not able to kiss or be with each other on a regular basis that just makes me think of other people.. is it bad??? are thoughts like that even considered cheating and/or bad?? I have never tried to pursue anything with the people i have dirty thoughts about nor do I want to…

  • Dee
    April 13, 2014 | Permalink |

    My boyfriend spends a lot of time away because of work. I found out (via a friend) that he uses omegle and other webcam chat sites. I was mad at first, then I thought I would play him at his own game. Trouble is I love it now. The attention I get there is great and it takes away the loneliness and any desire to actually meet anyone else. I keep my face hidden, there is no emotional involvement and no actual meeting or touching with anyone else. We both have our own secret fun and nobody gets hurt. it’s got to be a lot better than cheating.

  • @Maybeimcrazzy
    May 23, 2014 | Permalink |

    Is it cheating if another guy kissed you while we walking together. Even if you did like a little?

  • Dman
    May 25, 2014 | Permalink |

    @Dee oral sex may not technically count as “sex” but it is cheating. There is a fine line, that is black and white. I think your story is fine but the advice I’ve seen given you is sickening and is not made for a relationship advice but rather a get away with cheating advice.
    You don’t ever have to tell anyone you cheated, but don’t lie. If he finds out and approaches you, don’t try to cover it up. If you’re in a serious relationship, this will kill it forever and if you have any conscience at all this will destroy your mind all the time.

    I’ve been cheated on, so naturally I have bias; however, if he doesn’t find out, and you can live with yourself, don’t ever do it again and be happy together and don’t let anyone in between you two again!

  • Jdan
    June 1, 2014 | Permalink |

    What is cheating?
    Easy answer: If you wouldn’t do it with your significant other standing next to you, it’s cheating
    Or for the other easy answer: Would you be OK with your significant other doing the same?
    Geez people… C’mon, it ain’t rocket science!

  • outro
    June 6, 2014 | Permalink |

    Hello, so I’m seeing this girl for about 2 months from now on, but we are not dating yet. She was in relationship not that long ago,so she doesn’t want to rush it. Yet we kissed on first date and so. After that she said that she don’t wanna rush it. From that day on, we didn’t kissed, yet we had dates going on. And one day my ex gf wrote, that she wants to see me at her place and etc. I told that to my present friend and she told me “if you have a need to have sex, you allowed to do that, it’s just sex and we’re not dating yet”, I wouldn’t be able to do that, ’cause I think i’m in love with her. But I’m kinda afraid that she might do it, ’cause she thinks that way and so. What do you guys think?

  • Cherelle
    June 12, 2014 | Permalink |

    @pauline I feel the same way and am in the exact same situation only Ive net n kissed someone n I think I may do it again I’ve told my bf about it and he hasn’t dumped me , I do feel bad but its a thrill and the guy really likes me , it’s really complicated but i just want you to know it happens , don’t feel like you’re a bad person

  • Jane
    June 12, 2014 | Permalink |

    I am confused about my current relationship. We have been living together for almost a year. Last fall he had an all night drinking bender with his best friend who is female & didn’t make it home until after 7am.. Shortly after he went to her nephews birthday party and spent the night there with her & her family. This time I knew in advance that he was planning on staying. He did call me during the event to tell me he missed me a lot but still refused to come home. I even offered to go pick him up. Afterward we had a discussion & I told him I was not comfortable with the idea of him spending the night at her house. He said he understood & told me he would not stay there any more. We even agreed if he got to drunk he would call & I would pick him up if I could. Its only 5 blocks away.

    He has broken his word at least 20 times since last October. Everytime it happens he says it was not intentional so I should not have a problem with this. She agrees whole heartedly with his way of thinking. I think one, he should respect my feelings and come home. Also I can’t accept unintentional as an excuse more than once or twice… I feel that not only is he lying to me but even though I don’t think they are having sex, I still feel as though he is cheating in a way I can’t quite define…

    Am I totally nuts? Does anyone else think that this is wrong? I don’t care if the friend is a girl or not, I am more upset that he repeatedly tells me he will not stay there but continues to do so and then tell me I just need to deal with it and get over it. They aren’t doing anything wrong so therefor there is no issue. I am just jealous… And I am the one who is wrong..

    Arent we suppose to honor our partners & our words, agreements? Isnt he just lying to both me & himself??

  • Gayle
    June 16, 2014 | Permalink |

    Cheating is anything that you share with another human—by text or in person or otherwise, that you wouldn’t do in the presence of the person you’re in a relationship with. No need forsaking a long list or asking different scenarios. It’s that simple.

  • LPplpp
    September 1, 2014 | Permalink |

    Is your partner grinding on the dance floor with a random girl while you look the other way cheating?

  • Wizz
    October 21, 2014 | Permalink |

    My girfriend was out of town and some guy was hitting on her. He strated singing for her and at the begging she didnt want to sing with him but she strated and after that he asked her to dance and she accepted and it finished on that. Is that chaeting

  • Confused
    December 4, 2014 | Permalink |

    I’ve been in a long distance relationship with a guy for about 2 years. We both really love each other, but thee distance is hard so we end up going back and forth between dating and being “just friends”. But when we call ourselves “just friends” we still act the exact same toward each other, it’s like all that changes it the label. A week ago we decided just friends was the way to be, and we were both fine with it. But today I found out that he he kissed a girl, and they have something between them. I feel like it’s not actually cheating because we weren’t technically dating, but I feel heartbroken. I’m so in love with him I wouldn’t think of kissing anyone else and so I feel like he must not feel the same about me if he’s getting feelings for and kissing this other girl. I don’t know how to feel or what to do. Please help.

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