So you just had the best sex ever since who knows how long. What’s next? Are you going to call your partner, and if you do, what are you going to say?
The after sex call is the prerequisite acknowledgement of the fact that you “did it,” and whether or not you and your partner will agree to a repeat. It can sometimes start off as a “thank you for last night” and end with “So, when am I seeing you again?”
It can also be the call that will determine whether or not you still have a chance at a relationship or not. Sex can sometimes complicate the flow of a budding relationship. If it happens too early, there’s a chance that the offer of a relationship is taken off the table. For some of the lucky ones, sex can actually solidify the start of a relationship.
The after sex call will tell you a lot about the person you slept with, and it will even allow you to discover some truths about yourself and how you feel about the situation. All in all, this is the call that will make or break your sanity, in terms of the intimate night you just had.
Is the after sex call necessary?
For one night stands, after sex calls are unnecessary and usually frowned upon. If the fact that it was a one night stand isn’t clear, you can use the after sex call to confirm whether or not there will be a repeat of the night before.
It is necessary, because not knowing where you stand can make you feel anxious about how your night went. No matter how great a time you had, you’ll never know how a person will feel about you the next day, especially after you’ve had sex.
If you don’t care about that, the after sex call or conversation can serve as an indicator whether the night before was the last time you’ll see each other, or if it was the first of many dates or booty calls to come. [Read: 10 booty call flukes that can look like true love]
When is it okay to call?
We recommend making the after sex call the night after you’ve been together. It will give you enough time to recover and have something else to talk about besides what happened on your date. Aside from that, it will give you and your partner a little time to miss each other.
Calling right after you get home or after your partner left is only okay if you feel comfortable about it. You had a blast and you’re excited to talk to the person you like. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
If, however, you’re calling to see if everything’s still good, then you’re only going to seem desperate and pathetic – not in their eyes, but in yours. Calling for validation never ends well, and it probably means that you’re not okay with what you did last night.
What to say during the after sex call?
If you’ve never made an after sex call, we are envious of you. But more importantly, your first after sex call can be scary, because you have no idea how it will go. It’s okay to be nervous about it, because it’s usually more awkward than endearing.
For those of you who’ve made their fair share of after sex calls, this can also be a wake-up call for you to stop doing the same crap that never gets you anywhere with your dates.
The dos of the after sex call
Below are some of the things you should be doing before, during and after the dreaded after sex call.
#1 Call at night, on a workday, before your bedtime. The after sex call is not an excuse for you to chat with the person you slept with. Consider it a business call. Therefore it should be done when you are both available and when your partner is likely to answer their phone.
#2 Think carefully about what you want. Before you make that call, prepare what you’re going to say. I’m not saying you should write a speech down. Just make sure that you know what you’re going to say or ask before you make the call.
#3 Say hi and ask them how they’re doing. Be polite. That’s all I’m saying.
#4 Tell them what you want. Don’t hem and haw. You have to talk about what’s next for you guys. If you want a relationship, tell them that you’re not interested in being f*ck buddies. If you want to sleep around with them, ask them if they want to have a repeat of the night before sometime this week. It’s that easy. [Read: 10 casual relationship rules to keep things casual]
#5 Ask them what they want. The situation is not just about you. You should listen to your partner’s side as well. That way, you can end the conversation knowing what their reasons are for choosing to continue or end your relationship.
#6 Let them go if they’re not interested. There will be times when you and your partner don’t see eye to eye. Most men aren’t interested in relationships if they made an effort to sleep with you as soon as possible. Most women agree to sleep with men early on, because of various reasons, most of which are alluded to self-esteem issues or just a need to relieve the horniness. [Read: 10 worst people to have a one night stand with]
The don’ts of the after sex call
Here are some things that you shouldn’t even think of doing if you want your after sex call to work out.
#1 Don’t ask for a relationship. You just had sex. Whether or not you’ve been seeing each other for a while, this is not the time to talk about it. It’s possible that your judgment could be impaired from the mind-blowing sex, and you’re not being objective about the situation. That goes the same for your partner. [Read: 9 brilliant tips for having a casual relationship]
#2 Don’t call or text them over and over. Why are you being so clingy? Is their reply going to save you from a peril worse than death? If they’re not replying, they’re busy. Twice is enough for one day, and thrice is enough for a week. After that, just stop, because it means that they will never reply or they will only call you when they have an itch they need to scratch.
#3 Don’t ask for a repeat if it’s obvious there won’t be any. Use your gut. If it feels like there won’t be a next time, act accordingly. The answer is obvious if the person didn’t call you within a few days, or if they don’t reply to any of your texts. Common sense can save us all a lot of trouble if we knew how to use it.
#4 Don’t bitch at them when they don’t answer or call you back. I know it sucks. I know it makes you mad. But that isn’t enough of a reason for you to go down to their level and end up being humiliated more than you already have. Control yourself. Breathe. Let it go.
#5 Acknowledge them when it takes them more than a week to call back. Make them work for it, if they called back within a few days. It’s common courtesy to return a call within 24 hours. If it takes longer than that, they either died or they’re avoiding you. It is that simple.
Here are a few more tips, in case your after sex call didn’t go as planned
If the after sex call only left you dazed and confused about what to do next, here are a few more things to keep in mind.
#1 Don’t entertain assholes. You deserve better than a guy who only wants you for sex. Don’t lull yourself into thinking otherwise, especially if the signs are there: No after-calls/texts. He sends late night “Still up?” messages. He never takes you out on a legitimate date ever again. The McDonald’s drive-thru doesn’t count.
#2 Don’t dwell on it. The problem with people who put a lot of value on sex is that they can’t wrap their mind around the fact that some people don’t give a damn about it. You need to accept what comes your way, and let it go, especially if it’s not an ideal situation.
#3 Don’t compromise yourself. If you and your partner’s goals are completely different, i.e. sex versus relationship, don’t agree to whatever they want, just because you want to please them. It’s okay to make some adjustments, but it’s not okay to settle for something you don’t believe in.
While handling the after sex call may sometimes feel awkward, it’s crucial that you clarify things with your partner. If it turns out that your partner no longer shows interest after sleeping with you, just move on. There’s no sense in wallowing in misery over a single night of sex.
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Those who can’t do, teach. I can neither do nor teach as well as others, but I can try. Aside from being a writer, I am also a physical therapist. My dream is...