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A Confession – I Want to be Single Again!

i want to be single

Are you in love with a great person, but can’t help wanting to get out? As sweet as being in love can be, sometimes it leaves a sick taste in the mouth. I want to be single again and I know what I want. But do you?

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been in love.

I’m happy in love, and have always been happy knowing I’ve got someone special who wants me and wants to be with me.

But all of a sudden, I want to be single again. And I want it bad!

I had my first boyfriend when I hit puberty, and I’ve been in just four relationships in almost two decades.

And surprisingly, I’ve never been able to spare more than a couple of months of being single in between all the loving.

I’ve never really experienced being single, ever!

I’ve never had a problem being in love. In fact, I’ve always cherished it. My girlfriends envied me because I always got the nicest guys. And my relationships always lasted a long while and ended because of unavoidable circumstances.

I’m almost thirty and in love with a great guy for the last seven years. We’ve been living together for the last five years, and I couldn’t ask for more. Ahem… until recently.

Ever heard that line, weddings make people feel more romantic?

I was at a good friend’s wedding recently with my girlfriends, and I remember looking up at the bride and groom. They were a sparkly couple and it seemed nice.

I sat back, enjoying the balmy breeze under the open sky and tried to imagine my boyfriend and me at the altar. And as shocking as it seemed, I couldn’t visualize us together. And the harder I tried, the more it disturbed me. I lost that thought over the next few hours though, and my friends and I decided to go clubbing. We were out of town and our boyfriends weren’t accompanying us, which was enough of a reason for binge drinking and having fun with the girls.

Cut a long and confusing story short, I met a lot of guys who were interested in me, danced with a few, batted my eyelids at a few others and had the time of my life. [Read: Should a girl accept a drink from a stranger?]

It’s been six months since that eventful day and ever since, I couldn’t help but wonder what if…?

It’s a terrible thing to wonder, especially when you’ve got a loving, confused boyfriend who’s trying to figure out what’s happening to his girlfriend. The guy I was dating was perfect for me. He loved me, understood me and definitely made me a better person. But I just wasn’t happy anymore, and it wasn’t his fault.

I was just sick of always having to think about another person no matter what decision I took. I was annoyed with the lack of privacy. I could never really be alone and enjoy my space. We knew each other’s social network passwords. All our friends treated us like we were a married couple. And for crying out loud, he wanted to get married when we both hit thirty!

I felt claustrophobic and just wanted to escape, and be free. Yeah, it sounds bitchy and mean, but you know, the heart wants what the heart wants. I knew I wanted to be single again.

If I have to give any credit to science, humans have evolved to mate and procreate, not settle down with one person and live the rest of your life wondering ‘what if…’

I ended my relationship with my shocked boyfriend citing “it’s not you, it’s me…” and a few million other reasons including the awkward one, I want to be single again. Gosh, I know, I feel awful about it! [Read: How to end a relationship the right way]

Perhaps I was having my own quarter life crisis. I wanted to experience being single, because I really had never been single all through my teenage years and adult life. And I just wasn’t ready to settle down to a married life without ever having fun as a single girl. I wanted to meet guys, flirt with any guy I liked without having to think twice or feel guilty. And I wanted to have sex… glorious sex with whomever I wanted!

After breaking up with my boyfriend, I felt free. But then again, I wondered if I wanted to be single because I didn’t have any flirty fun with other men, or was it because I was stuck in a relationship that just wasn’t progressing and evolving. I guess it’s one of those things we’ll never know.

A few months have passed ever since my metamorphosis into the single life, and ungracefully, I have to admit that I’m having the best time of my life. I’ve been meeting new guys all the time, and I love the attention I get. It’s especially exciting to be wooed by a new guy almost every other day. [Read: How to flirt by touching]

I don’t know what life holds for me or my love karma *gasp*, but I’m happy now and that’s all I can think of.

Do you want to be single again?

All of us get a fleeting thought now and then and wonder if we’d be better off single or in a relationship. And if you’re in a relationship and you’re wondering if you can take a break for a few months and get back again, well, forget about it.

You can’t take a break from love for a few months and get your spouts and canals filled and get back with your lover and expect things to be normal again. It’s a ridiculous thought!

But for all the confused lovers out there who are contemplating over the mystifying sentence, I want to be single again, here are a few questions that could help you make up your mind.

Are you willing to risk losing your partner forever?

As tempting as the hope of taking a short break from your partner and board diving into a bed full of beautiful men and women can seem, it’s not an acceptable proposition for most lovers. The relationship may work out at times, but in most cases, it would be too emotionally disturbing for your partner who may prefer walking out of your life than waiting to clean your sexual fluids when you get back home. [Read: Open relationships]

Would being single for a while really make you feel any better?

I know I want to be single, but how sure are you? Most of us are fooled by a few days of fun with flirty friends and fleeting glances. But how sure are you about what you want? The grass is always greener on the other side. We’ve all heard that line before. But if you ever have to step out of a good relationship, try to be sure of what your heart wants. You really can’t come crawling back to your old lover and beg for forgiveness. [Read: How to kiss a friend]

Why do you want to be single?

Is it the hope of better sex? Or is it a boring relationship? While flirty interaction with the opposite sex is one of the biggest reasons for wanting to be single, it’s not good enough a reason. At some point of time, you’ll be bored of the variety and would just want to be with someone who can love you for the person you are. So unless you’re in a relationship that you’re not too happy about, don’t use the excuse of better sex as a reason to walk out. [Quiz: Will you ever be unfaithful?]

Could you achieve more in life by being single?

This is actually one of the best reasons to walk out of a relationship. If you really want to be single, make sure it’s for a great reason. If being single can give you a more fulfilled life, one that makes you happier and gives you a reason to jump out of bed the next morning, then hell yeah, you need to be single!

Why do I want to be single?

I took a few months to make up my mind, and I’ve stuck to it. I haven’t knocked on my ex’s door ever since and I don’t regret my decision either.

But you ought to know this though, the whole world is searching for love. And millions of people just wish for true love and hope to experience it someday. It’s not easy to find someone who will love you and respect you for the person you are, and if you’ve found that lover already, perhaps, you don’t really need to be single again.

Life is a game of chutes and ladders, and if you’ve been lucky enough to climb the big ladders and attain true love sooner, you really don’t have to regret skipping the chutes and the little flings. You can introduce yourself to a hundred new man packages or breasts, but they’re all going to start looking pretty similar after a while. It’s what’s inside that’s going to matter eventually. [Read: Cheating in a relationship]

You may wonder what made me walk out of a perfect relationship for no apparent reason. Well, I couldn’t see my boyfriend at the top of my ladder anymore. I was in love, and yet, he wasn’t really a part of my life anymore. A foxy part of me does think I deserve better too.

Heck, I’ve got one life and I took a leap of faith. Or perhaps, I was willing to lose my ex in the hope of something better.

[Read: Why are women fickle in love?]

I’ve weighed my pros and cons, and I may regret my decision to stay single at some point. But for now, I really do know I want to be single again! But do you?

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Morgan Miller
Morgan Miller
Morgan Miller is a writer who lives in the Bay area, and suffers from an addiction to all things geeky and artsy. She loves wearing leggings as pants, and when ...
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DISCUSSION

46 thoughts on “A Confession – I Want to be Single Again!”

  1. D says:

    Your method of thinking disgusts me. Each day hundreds of women complain about finding an honest, nice guy. You found one and then broke his heart for your own selfish reasons?
    Ever thought about the guy you’re leaving behind?
    He’ll be left broken and questioning whether going through all the effort of keeping a woman happy for several years is worth it, if they can just throw it away on a whim.
    Have you ever wondered why exactly it’s so hard to return to an ex-boyfriend that you do this to? It’s because you completely destroy their heart and force them to re-evaluate their approach to life. They become less trusting and less inclined to let the opposite-sex in – they may even treat them worse and not be so much of a ‘nice guy’ anymore.

    You should NEVER leave your boyfriend/husband for a reason such as this. If you have any concerns whatsoever about your future, bring these up with him NOW so you can both discuss it. Bringing it up completely out of the blue when he doesn’t expect it is the meanest and bitchiest thing you can do in life. I hope you’re proud of that.

  2. Nessa says:

    you did nothing wrong. You two were not ment for eachother. It’s your life, you shouldn’t stay in a relationship because it appears “perfect”. “I love you but I just love me more.” Samantha said that in sex and the city and its so true. You hit a point in your relationship where it was fulfeeling for him yet it wasn’t for you. His happiness isn’t priority; yours is! And if you both were happy… there you go. Both of you guys were in love. But, that isn’t the senairo. Congrats, off walking away from a dead end relationship.

  3. Keri Valentine says:

    I really enjoyed reading your article. I don’t think you are being selfish at all. I recently have gone through the same thing and I have never looked back. I always say TRUST YOUR GUT. If for some reason you feel you need to get out and live independently by all means go for it! It’s not always about the right guy but the right timing too. Always do what you feel is right. That is all. Thank you 🙂

  4. Chels says:

    You just described my life!! I loved your article and your honesty… I think you did a great job and you have given me more to think about 🙂

  5. A Guy looking for answers says:

    I’m so glad I found this article!!! A girl I fell in love with broke up with me a few months back and it was actually the first time I’d been strongly in love (although for me being strongly in love is probably what is average love for most people). Naturally since she is the most amazing woman I’ve yet encountered, I was very upset about her decision to breakup. And she told me EXACTLY what you told your ex, but from maybe a different angle.

    She told me how wonderful I was, and I believe her because I know for a fact she told all her friends the same thing. She told me how much she loved the way I touched her and just the way I was overall. So I’m listening to this thinking “so why don’t you stop treating me like a child and just say that you just don’t like me that much anymore?” Anyway, I questioned her, I asked the uncomfortable questions trying to get the “real” truth out of her so that I could get some closure about the whole thing, but she just kept saying that she doesn’t want a relationship right now. Your article has provided me the closure I needed since I couldn’t get this clear of an explanation from my ex.

    I now realize why so many older men have told me never to love a woman very much. It all makes sense now. They told me basically to just date women, treat them well, don’t cheat on them if you’re in a relationship, don’t play games with them, but still DON’T deeply love any woman. Now I can see why because if a woman can love you and not want to be committed to you, then why bother letting her into your heart in the first place? BIG lesson learned!!! I’m guessing this is a difference between women and men but I can’t love someone and not be committed to them at the same time. I loved the feeling of being in love with a woman and truly loving her for who she was, but in the end I can see that it’s not worth it after it’s over. I now greatly respect the wisdom of the men who’ve warned me about this. But I’m glad I took a chance on that kind of love either way.

  6. Kat says:

    My boyfriend of 7 years proposed a “break” a week ago. I am devastated and was looking for answers on why. He says he loves me but needs time to figure out if he wants to be with me. I call this breaking up with me lightly, he wants to be single. Like the commenter before me (A guy….) I can’t get a clear explanation of why he was breaking up with me or “taking a break” if he loved me and liked me and said there was nothing specific in our relationship that made him decide this.

    This article makes sense to me, though it is written in a female’s perspective. And to the commenter before me, it isn’t girls who think like this….it is both sexes. It just sucks for the person on the other end, wanting the relationship and trying to understand why the other person doesn’t want to be with and trying to figure out what changed their mind. This is really torture I need to stop doing to myself.

  7. Brian says:

    I would love to know what became of the authors ex after this debacle went down. She makes him sound as if he was an insignificant player in this mess. While she boasts of how great her life has become shedding herself of her dead weight boyfriend, what price did that poor guy pay for giving this relationship his best, but deemed not quite good enough for this self serving bitch?

    That said, this happened to me as well. My girlfriend and I were together almost 5 years and were engaged. Blindsided with the same BS just as this poor fellow probably was. I had no idea it was coming. While understandable if you are in a place you feel you don’t want be, but exercise some human decency. Bring your concerns out early. Don’t save them and wait to spring the trap when it is convienent to you. This guy deserved better. In my case I passed on a promotion that would have taken me to another city. I stayed to be with her, and she helped me make that decision. Within a month, she played this same despicable trick. Karma is hell. She will get what’s coming to her in the end. I can understand why the author won’t show up at her ex’s door. It would be an unwise move. I severed all ties with mine after I evicted her from my house. She is not welcome EVER!

    Am I bitter, you’re damned right I am. It will be very unlikely I will allow a woman remotely close to me again. Being in my late 30’s I really don’t want to start from scratch again with someone. Trust will be a major issue for me going forward. And yes, I realize not all women are like that. This taught me a hard lesson I won’t forget.

  8. maramalada says:

    If you really love someone, you don’t just leave ‘m because of these dumb reasons.

    or you have serious commitment-issues or you just don’t get the working of a true relationship.

    Either way, you should only get yourself a boyfriend when you are 100% shure this won’t happen again.

    And the whole scientific reasoning here “humans have evolved to mate and procreate, not settle down with one person and live the rest of your life wondering ‘what if…’ is BS.
    Sinds humans evolve, couldn’t is be that we evolved to be more monogamous then ever?

  9. Ronnie says:

    I am in the same spot as the author of this article. I feel so ashamed having these similar feelings after having read the version of opposite sex’s view on the manner. It is really sad to be in this position, but dragging along the person is worse then telling the person about your decision on the spot. Yes it is a shocking truth, to want out of the relationship for no explainable or apparent reason, but feelings and emotions change over time, and you can’t help it. If you cannot see yourself marrying the person, then why continue the relationship while you can be out there enjoying your single life ? I am not saying that being single brings more pleasure to a person. I actually think it’s quite sad and depressing being alone, personally. Sharing your life with someone is so gratifying, and brings you more happiness; as long as you keep the right balance and don’t lose your identity.

    But meanwhile, like the author stated and so did one of the commenter’s, life is short and you have to go with your gut feelings. I definitely would not like to be on the other side. But put yourself in our shoes, and see how much pleasure you’d get out of staying in a monotonous and unexciting relationship? I know that sounds selfish, but how happy are you going to be for the rest of your life? You only live once. Going out of your comfort zone might just open up a whole new world for you, and you might rediscover yourself and be grateful for all the new things you have been missing out on. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. I am about to do the move of leaving him. I hate to see someone suffer. Its a cruel thing to do. But I have to look out for my own self, because in reality, I am the only one in control for my own happiness. Everyone is.

  10. Brian says:

    Ronnie, I hope you break things off decisivly with your boyfriend as soon as possible. You are right, stringing someone along is much worse. Every day you wait, steals a day from your boyfriend that he deserves to have so be can move forward as well. Yes, you are responsible for your own happiness, but at the same time, you do have his heart in your hands and you are very likely going to smash it when you break the news. This will be very bad for him when it happens, and depending on how you’ve treated him as of late, the longer you wait, the worse it will be for him. Just rip that bandaid off because you know it’s going to hurt. Once it’s done, he can start rebuilding and hopefully find someone who wants him. Most men are fact based. We really don’t care why. We care if you want us or not. If you do, great. if you don’t, then do what you have to do, but please don’t waste our time stringing us along.

    What I took exception to from this article was the authors treatment of her ex. It appears to me she treated him poorly in the months prior to dumping him. Them being together all that time, one would think she would consider his feelings better than she appears to have done. Her attitude screams self centered. He likely was a very good guy that spent months wringing his hands wondering WTF trying to figure out what’s wrong. She rubs salt in it by stringing him along by not communicating with him and giving him a chance to bail. And when she finally does it, she goes about it in a cowerdly fashion. As I said before, karma is hell. The tables will turn on her one day.

    I am 8 months out from this happening to me. I have to say, life is better without her. It came as a complete shock to me as my ex gave me no clues. I made a very poor life decision to pass on a job in another city. She was a big part of the decision making knowing full well what she planned on doing. We were engaged to be married on 04/20/2013 and plans were being made. A couple of girls night outs put this idea in motion that had been in her head for over a year and a half. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out like she hoped it would. She seriously misread her situation and so far her leap into the fast lane has flopped. The reality for her now is she is a single 38 year old high school math teacher living in an efficiency apartment geared for college students near her school. She’s barely scraping by and I heard through mutual friends she is miserable. I feel bad for her now, but that was her choice and she will have to see it through. She got in touch with me this past weekend feeling me out to see if reconciling was possible. My guess is our wedding date is approaching and she possibly could play off of that get me to warm up to the idea. My answer was no. She is now part of the past and I do not want to have another relationship with her or any other woman.

    Ronnie, if you love and respect this man, end it quickly. All he needs to know is he fact is your relationship is no longer working for you and don’t wish to hold him back any longer. He deserves your best effort, especially now.

  11. Kelly says:

    Wow, these comments show a lot of bitterness.

    Well, I’ve had sparse relationships, and if I happened to find someone I liked well enough to be involved with, I wouldn’t end it “just to be single” as the author states here. But obviously, with her many relationships and guys throwing themselves at her every other day, I bet she is enjoying the single life.

    I don’t know, I believe in working things out, rather just throwing them to the wind. Or at least trying. It can hurt the other person a lot, but this author seems very self-centered from the sounds of it, meaning she only wanted her own life, not caring about another persons. But then again what do I know? I’ve never been in a relationship as long as 7 years, probably because that person got their “need to be single/not in a relationship” long before that time elapsed.

    That was hard enough for me dealing with that and all that went along with it, I’m sure it only gets harder to break up the longer you’re with someone.

    I only hope the guy will realize that he’s better off alone without her. I do feel for the need for independence and the need to be single, I guess I’m just on the opposite side of it, coming from a different life experience as this writer.

  12. michelle says:

    i’m in 13 year relationship and feel like I need to break it off for the same reasons. i’ve told him, but he wants to ‘work it out’. currently going day to day, me disconnected, him trying to work it out. it sucks, I feel awful. he’ll have a hard time on his own and i just haven’t found it in me to tell him to just leave. I’ve said ‘i’m done’ but when he asked if i wanted him to leave, i said i didn’t know. ugh.

  13. chloe says:

    You are the first person that actually takes “my side”! and i can also relate to all the people who commented.finally i feel understood!
    ive been contemplating leaving my husband for the exact same feelings you are describing but seems like all my friends and family think im crazy and “force” me to stay…
    you just made my day!

  14. Ashley says:

    I’m feeling the same way. My boyfriend and I have been together since I was 15, and I am now 20. Due to my young age, I havent ever really experienced a single life/dating as an older teen/young adult. We have been living together for the past two years in a town where I have no family or friends, so leaving would mean needing to move back in with my mother. We also have four cats together and my mom’s man is allergic to animals with fur, so there is a huge chance I’d have to leave my babies behind as well.

    My boyfriend has had a crazy amount of health problems all throughout his life and has accepted his “fate” that he’s going to probably die between the ages of 30 and 40. He refuses to try to make his body healthy; he just keeps smoking like a chimney, occasionally doing hard drugs, and eating a lot of fast food. Me? I’m doing everything I can to make sure I live a long healthy life. So, I’m feeling pressured to get out of this relationship ASAP, since I’d much rather be single in my 20s instead of later on in life when he eventually has a heart attack.

    It’s just so scary. He’s said on many occasions that I’m the only good thing in his life (his parents are literally psychos and he’s been betrayed by friends so often), and he’d kill himself if anything ever happen to me or if I ever left.

    I feel leaving could be the best decision of my life, or the worst decision of my life. The thought of leaving sounds great but it’s also way out of my comfort zone. Between us, we have about $10 000 in consumer debt (about $2000 is in my name, and $2000 I co-signed, and I also co-signed for his $26 000 car). I’m terrified to leave before that debt is taken care of. And I can’t bare the thought of leaving my kitties behind, 🙁 I could probably take my favourite home with me as long as I kept her in the basement, but she’s always lived with other cats. I’m scared she’ll suffer from depression and start losing weight like crazy. I’ve seen it happen before with a friend’s pet.

    I’ve been a total wreck these past few months, trying to wrap my head around this intense desire to break up with him and move back home. Im not sure if I’m still here because I don’t want to risk losing him forever or if I’m selfishly staying because the timing seems inconvienent.

  15. Kate says:

    I am currently experiencing the exact feelings of the author, but I do not think it’s selfish.

    I, like her, have had very little time being single over the past decade. Yes, this was my mistake. However, it’s only now becoming clear to me that I have lost time with myself worrying too much about others. I have been an incredibly dedicated girlfriend to several guys and yet received little support from them. I have not been choosing the right guys to date because I have not had enough space from them to know just what I want.

    My main reason of wanting to break up is not to flirt or have sex with whomever I want, but that I have to constantly worry about making sure someone else is happy. My career has started picking up and I want to work on it all the time. I have never spent much time dedicated to developing my own skills because I’m worried about what my SO wants.

    For example, last night, I went to a show at a local bar with my roommate. I invited my boyfriend. He came along but began complaining when we got there and I felt like it ruined my night. Had I been there with just my roommate, I would have been fine. But if I wouldn’t have invited my boyfriend, I would have felt guilty for being out without him.

    For me, it comes down to freedom of choice and not having the weight of having to constantly consider someone else’s feelings for all of your actions. Perhaps someday I will be ready to surrender that freedom for the comfort and security, but for now all I can think about is being free of obligations.

    Plus, I don’t want to be a shitty girlfriend. I love my boyfriend but I love many things and I need to explore what the world has to offer.

  16. Martine says:

    I’ve been feeling like this for such a long time! I’ve known that I am a huge commitment-phobe for such a long time. I have been with my current boyfriend for almost 4 years, and I’ve been going back and forth about whether or not to end the relationship for almost 4 years. Sometimes it’s because certain things he does and doesn’t do annoy me to death to the point where I worry about it affecting any future we would have. Other times, I just feel like I’m suffocating in a relationship, in general. I love him to death, and I have immense amounts of fun with him when we’re together. I love being with him, and I can definitely see some sort of future with him a lot of the time. However, he is nowhere near as adventurous as I am. I want to go out and explore the world. He’s too afraid to be away from home for more than two weeks, if that. I feel like that holds me back sometimes. I’ve been in a relationship all four years I spent in college, and he has been the longest relationship I’ve ever had by a longshot. When I was nearing the end of my college career, I was starting to look at grad schools, and I was looking at a school in Washington, D.C., which is about a 5 hour drive from where I live. I decided to go to a grad school in my hometown, instead because I couldn’t bare the thought of leaving him. That was about a year and a half ago, and I’m starting to wonder if I made the right decision. I absolutely love my hometown, and a lot of my family lives here. I wonder if I should have taken a leap of faith, moved to DC, and lived there for a few years, though. I adore DC and want to experience living there at least for a little while. However, even if we stayed together until after I finish grad school, which is when I would end up moving to DC, I know it would be hard for him to move with me. My only two options at that point would be to either end up staying where I am or break up. I feel like this has been holding me back so much. He really is a great guy, but I want to explore everything this world has to offer to me. I want to go to a bar and not feel guilty about flirting with another guy. I want to have fun flings while I’m young. I want to go on adventures that I feel like I wouldn’t be able to go on while I’m with him. I’ve been feeling so guilty about thinking about breaking up with him because I thought it would be selfish of me, but I am naturally a wild, adventurous person, and I feel like over the past 4 years, I have been “domesticated,” as a close friend of mine has put it. Is it such a crime to want to explore who I am outside of someone else before I finally settle down with someone?

  17. Tom says:

    @Kate, I know you wrote your reply about a month ago but I hope you will see mine!

    I am a 23 year old guy and have been with my girlfriend since the age of 17. I don’t know how old you are, but reading your situation related to me very strongly.

    Your reasons about wanting to have time to find yourself and focus on your career / happiness for once is exactly how I feel. I think especially for me being 23, I have given so much time on supporting my girlfriend through university and helping her find what makes her happy while slightly putting my own ambitions to the side. When that realisation hits you it is pretty scary! I know that is completely my own choice / fault and also part of a commited relationship, but I feel being single would give me the chance to completely commit to my career prospects, among other things. This is where your sentence really rings true – “Perhaps someday I will be ready to surrender that freedom for the comfort and security, but for now all I can think about is being free of obligations”. Maybe I just got into this relationship too young.. we’ve given a quarter of our lives to each other.. But you just can’t help these things.

    I know she will be devastated – But I hope, as other posters have said, that she knows it’s coming. I really hope that it won’t come as a complete shock to her, but it’s so hard to express feelings of doubt while also trying to keep the relationship good until the break.
    I can’t get rid of the guilty and selfish feelings, but a lot of these posts have helped a bit in seeing that sometimes you have to be selfish to be truly happy. Maybe only then will you be able to be in a truly happy relationship.

    SOOO, I was wondering what choice you made in the end? Are you still in the relationship? Either way, do you feel you have made the right decision?

    Thanks, and I hope everything has worked out for you!

  18. E says:

    I am so glad i have come across this article. I have been feeling the exact same way as everything you described at the beginning for a while now. Really feeling it to the point i can’t stop thinking about it. However i cannot risk it for losing my partner forever so will not action on it. But it really does help knowing other people go through this too and everyone has doubt and would like to be single again for a while.

  19. JayJay says:

    so glad i found this article, as the same issues have been plaguing me for months!

    My boyfriend is perfect – sweet, attentive, hard working, would be an amazing dad, etc
    But for the last six months I just can’t stop thinking about being single!
    I’m so bored in this life and feel completely disconnected to him.

    I’ve spoken to a few people about it and they seem to be in two camps. The first opinion is that I should break it off, we’re obviously not meant to be and if I feel this way now how would it be in 5/10/20 years? etc. The second camp is that this is what a long term relationship is like, the excitement and passion does fade and in the end you’re left with a companion you can be comfortable with.

    I would love to be free again and start having some fun, but I’m worried it could be the biggest mistake of my life as he is the definition of the guy you’re supposed to want to marry. Plus even if I was single, what would happen eventually? I’d probably have a good time for six months to a year or so, then just end up in another relationship, and probably end up feeling the same way again about the next guy!
    I dunno, maybe I have commitment problems. I already have what all the single people out there are looking for, yet I can’t stop thinking about joining them 🙁
    any advise/opinion would be appreciated, even if it’s that I’m selfish/stupid!

  20. Samantha says:

    Hi Jay Jay, I can totally relate to your post. I’ve been with a great guy for 5 years – he’s not perfect, but he’s funny, caring, cooks and would make a great father too.

    Throughout this year I’ve been questioning our compatibility. He’s not an affectionate person, whereas I am. He’s practical whereas I’m all over the place. I love D&Ms whereas he’s more narrowminded. He doesn’t make me feel fulfilled. The way he treats me feels more like a friend or a family member.

    There’s been quite a few engagements and weddings happening this year. When I look at the couples saying their vows, it scares me. I wonder if I can say the same thing and mean it. I wonder if I could live with my boyfriend for the rest of my life.

    I know that the passion fades eventually but that has to happen with the right person. I’m wondering if I can find someone better, someone who can fulfill me! I want to be free again to find someone better, and yes so I can go party for awhile. I’ve never experienced single life properly, been in this relationship since I was 19 and before that I never left the house. At the same time I’m worried I can’t find anyone better.

    Sorry Jay Jay, I can’t give you any real advice, but I can 100% validate your feelings. You’re not stupid. I’m seriously thinking of leaving very soon. I’ve spoken about this issues before but I still don’t feel like anything’s been resolved. I’ll have another discussion with my boyfriend but I feel it may be the last one.

  21. JayJay says:

    Hey Samantha,

    It’s great to know I’m not alone at least 🙂 I feel like I haven’t really experienced single life either! Three of my close friends got engaged this year too, we’re all reaching that age and it definitely makes you question if you want your relationship to reach the same place.

    Finishing things is a big plunge, will it end in a better more suitable relationship or me becoming a crazy cat lady? I’ve decided to give mine a little longer as we moved recently and I wanna see how things work out, then I’ll make a decision and try to stick to it… good luck if you do the same 🙂 x x x x

  22. Aussie86 says:

    Wow. It looks like the author’s selfish attitude has encouraged others to be selfish as well. Great job author!

  23. @ Aussie86 says:

    How is her attitude selfish?? Since when does a person have to completely devote all of their time on making sure their SO is happy, while negating their own feelings?? Since when does a person become selfish for wanting to be single?? WTH?? Would you call a teen who’s been with the same person all of their high school life, but wants to break it off, selfish also?? So what if the relationship has been for years, so what if they’re married. Not only do people change, but feelings change also. You can’t help how you feel, and if that means that someone’s heart is broken, then so be it. It’s not about not caring about your SO’s feelings, it’s about caring about your OWN feelings more. People are so quick to judge someone, but will envy them in private. Not everyone feels the same after years of being in a relationship, and not everyone wants to stay in a relationship for years, when in their heart, they desire and crave different.

  24. Marky Mark says:

    I place no judgement on your decision. I hope you are happy in the end. I have been on the other end of the scenario and never got over it. Oh, we are still together but about 28 years ago I had dump all the pride I had to hold it together. It was about a 2 year ordeal in totality. We had already been married 7 years and with 2 small children. I wasn’t a perfect husband but I was damned close. It destroyed the little bit of innocence I had left in me to know that the only person I had ever trusted my entire soul to suddenly wanted to explore her other options. I will always love her . I can’t help myself but a piece of my heart was stolen from me then that I can never get back. The pain is indescribable. I will never understand what it was she needed from me that I was not providing. She made a mistake and has done every right to make it right but it haunts me everyday. That was long ago. Now at 54 years old, my youth is gone and I will always wonder how much fun we could have had without this black cloud over out head. I will be crushed until the day I die.I guess the moral of the story is to try to know what you want in life before you allow someone to give you that much of their soul.

  25. Marky Mark says:

    Reminds me of a song that plays in my head often. There is a line that says ” when happily ever after fails and we’ve been poisoned by those fairy tales”

  26. Ohio is for lovers says:

    I’m 22 years old and in college. I started dating one of my close friends. I fell in love with her; she was everything i’d ever wanted and i had never felt this way about anyone. we had sex. she was my first time. We were perfect together. Then this happened out of nowhere. She gave me the same BS responses and i knew her reasoning. I can’t focus on anything this semester; How am i supposed to give two shits about performing meaningless calculations while the girl i love is sleeping with other guys?! I feel so goddamn worthless i contemplate suicide on a daily basis.

  27. joy says:

    This article reflects what is happening to me and him right now. I include “and him” because what he doesn’t realize is that I want him to have all of the love and time with someone he deserves, but I am unable to give it. Let me explain. I was in an abusive relationship for seven years. I met my current (soon-to-be ex) boyfriend at work and we became very good friends. With all of the trouble at home, I leaned on him and when I finally left my situation our friendship quickly became more. For the past year I have been living basically a lie and I feel horrid about it, because I just recently realized my faux pas. You see, I do love and care about him, but I never really loved him the way he does me. I suffer from codependency and depression and it was easier, I think, to let someone else take the burden of that and the fact that I did not take time to be single and rebuild myself, takes a toll on future relationships. While none of that is an excuse for what I have just done to him, knowing I just shattered his world, I also have a sense of peace within myself, because for the first time I am thinking of myself, as selfish as that sounds. He is a wonderful man who will find someone that needs that, but I still need time to heal and I need that time alone. I know it will be hard, but everyone’s circumstances are different. I also believe it is more selfish to stay in a relationship that you are not 100% into, because eventually everything will go to hell when you don’t have 100% to give. I gave a 100% to my last relationship (as bad as it was) and didn’t take time to refuel the tank, so to speak, and I know this is completely unfair to him. But I am breaking it off now, because I do care about him enough to not drag him through anymore of my BS. Sometimes you have to be your own hero, no matter how selfish it may seem. People will make you feel like crap for your decision, but they don’t live your life. You do. And if you aren’t happy with being alone with you, you will not be able to have anything to give to anyone else.

  28. Kissingee says:

    oh my god, you just read my mind! This whole article could have been written by me…
    I am so confused at the moment. I am in the perfect relationship. All my friend envy me and honestly: I think I will never ever find another guy who is better for me or nicer than my boyfriend

    However: lately I have started to think about sex with someone else. I never really lived the single life. When I was in my early 20-ies I always thought I was going to end up alone. All my girlfriends were having relationships and I just felt so ugly and left-over. Fact is: I am not ugly at all, but It was so insecure.
    Well, last year (I am now 31) while my BF was 3 months awat for work I started going to the gym more (what else did I have to do with all this spare time?). I started losing weight and actually developing a body that comes very near a Victori’as Secret model.
    I started to feel so good about myself and felt sexy about myself for the first time in a really long time.
    On a night out with some friends I met a guy who was clearly interested in me and he just turned my fire on. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and felt so sexy and attractive….

    Now I feel more secure about myself I feel sorry that I never had a real flingy and flirty single life when i COULD have had one. I am now with my BF for 6 years and it makes me realise that, if we intend to stay together, my chances of seducing men and have sex with them are in the past…and I didn’t take them!
    NOw I am really confused. I actually talked about this to my BF and he sort of understood (he has always been in long relationships with no really flirty free period of time) but didn’t know what to do with it because he certainly can’t stand the idea of me being with someone else
    Which I totally understand
    HOwever these feelings won’t go away……but I am too afraid to give up a perfect relationship and someone who really cares. In 10 years my looks will be gone too and it feels so superficial to throw a relationship away just because I want to be “wanted” by other men…..

  29. Ricki says:

    As many others have said, this article is everything I am experiencing right now. My issue is the same…I started dating way too early and have been in long relationships my whole life. I started feeling this way a few years ago but as I get older the feelings get stronger. The issue is that I love my husband…I really do. We laugh, love and live happily together and I value his companionship. AND our sex life is great. A little monotonous at times but great nonetheless.
    However…I have always been what some would call a “sexual being.” To me, that means that I am not afraid to express my sexuality, I enjoy having sex with men and I understand and appreciate sexual feelings and desires.
    That being said…I find myself wanting to have sex with other men. Plain and simple. Not like a group of random guys or strangers…but I do want the excitement that comes from casual sexual encounters and its been approximately 16 years since I had sex with someone else.
    Recently, I proposed the “hall pass” idea and what shocked me the most is that my husband thought I was proposing this idea solely for HIS enjoyment! He didn’t even consider the fact that I was sharing my own feelings or desires. It was actually kind of funny that he didn’t get it. I was hoping he would enjoy the idea of a free night to himself and I was right…however it never occurred to him that I could physically want someone else because (in his words) “Its different for women.” Its not. Societal standards may be different but I truly believe that women are generally 10x kinkier than men, just smarter about it and more discreet.
    So…basically that is where I am right now. Just kinda…stuck. Knowing that I won’t ever cheat (bad karma) but wondering what (if anything) I should do about these feelings. I’m at the point in my life when being true to myself and my feelings is becoming one of my most important concerns. How do I reconcile this? Do I accept the fact that I chose to be in a relationship and just make it as sexually exciting as I can? Or do I put myself and my feelings first (for once) and do what I want? Do I try the hall pass proposition again or just leave it alone? I just need some feedback to let me know if this is simple horniness talking or if its important for me to allow this side of myself to flourish…what do you think?

  30. Ceka says:

    I’m one of these horrible women dragging on a lovely sweet guy and breaking his heart with my indecision (7 years of indecision in an 8 year relationship). It breaks my heart that I’m breaking his. But I can’t commit. Perhaps it’s because I’m with the wrong guy, but perhaps it is because I’ve never been single, I don’t know. Whatever it is, I’m 35 and not getting any younger or more attractive, and it scares the shit out of me and wakes me up in the middle of the night with panic attacks. I’m lost.

  31. Forres says:

    Ricki, did you do the hallpass again? I reckon if he seemed open to it the first time then I’d check with him again. You’ll know very soon whether he is into it or not, and if he’s not and he means a lot to you, back off the subject and don’t revisit. But he might just like the idea, and if you never ask (subtly) then you never find out!

  32. Joe says:

    My now ex-GF pulled this same thing on me, and I’m still devastated. We were together for overs two amazing years. She was talking about marriage and having a child together. She has two from her previous marriage, who I love more than anything in this world. She’d always tell me I’m the man of her dreams, how well I communicate, understand her, and make her feel loved like no other. On the last day of a wonderful vacation she started pouring over how amazing I’ve “been” to her and her children. I got a chill from what sounded like a planned speech, even though it was so positive.

    The next two months she became distant, and started breaking dates. I told her I was concerned because there was a divide building. She assured me everything was fine, but a few days later she text’s (worse way to break it off) me stating that she had never really been single and needed to be now. She restated how amazing I was, but she just didn’t know why she suddenly had these feelings. I was heartbroken and so confused, but told her if there wasn’t anything I could do, I accept her wishes.

    It’s been 5 months and she’s recently been texting that she’s been thinking about me and her children miss me, and are struggling without me around…that hurts beyond any pain I could’ve imagined. Recently her best friend called out of the blue to say that she knows about her manipulative texts and that my ex is talking about trying to get me back. She (unsolicited) said not to, because my ex is dating a 21yo who lives at home. She has apparently dated a string of very young men, and they’ve all ended badly for her. She said I was too good of a man to be put through that again and I needed to know the painful reality that my ex threw a good man in the trash to chase “boys.” (We’re both mid-30’s, I’ve very successful, so that was just crazy to hear.)

    I rack my mind nightly trying to understand what went wrong, what could or should I have done to avoid this with no answers. Then I read this article and now I understand a little better, which only helps slightly. I want her and her kids back in my life more than anything, but I know it would only be a matter of time before this happens again. My trust is as shattered as my heart. I just hope that it will heal and find the capacity to love someone new as fully as I loved her.

  33. Elizabeth says:

    I am so happy I found this blog. I am feeling exactly the same :/. I broke it off with my boyfriend of 3 years just 3 months ago. I told him how I felt and that was pretty much it. He just listened and didn’t try to make me stay. I felt pretty good about my decision during the day and when I would lay in bed at night, all I could do was think about us. It was like I had voices in my head and there was no way to ignore them. I started thinking that I just rushed out of the relationship. Turns out, he was doing just fine without me. He was in the gym, eating healthy, starting new hobbies. While me on the other hand, was crying every night and dwelling on my decisions. I was feeling like I couldn’t live without him. Then I started thinking about what I did wrong in the relationship. I was not communicating with him about my thoughts and feelings,I had cheated on him, I thought that if I was a better girlfriend then the old feelings would return. So recently we started talking again. Its been almost a month now and now I feel like I rushed back into it! I am doing better about communicating and it makes me feel good about us. Ill feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have him in my life and that I was crazy for wanting to end it. And then.. that thought comes back. Immediately after that thought pops in my head I tell myself he is worth it. He is worth it. He is worth it. Then ill read numerous articles about how to get that spark back and how to make relationships work. He is such a great guy and makes me smile. It is just eating me alive knowing he wants to be with me more than I want to be with him. I cry all the time because I don’t want to break his heart. I am trying to make this work but no matter what I do, I can’t shake it. Our relationship in my eyes is right love wrong time. I just can’t keep living like this. I know I love him and I know we would have a amazing future but I want to live my own life for a while. I feel like a bitch and a whore but I just can’t help these thoughts that run through my head. Idk maybe I need to see a shrink or something.. haha or maybe take some pills that calm my brain. Regardless, I know only I can make this decision. It just really really sucks.. I don’t know what else I can do to stop me from ending it again. This girl has some problems in the head and has already asked her mom and sisters and close friends for advice. And still, no solution. Helpppp! :'(

  34. Brian says:

    I’m over 2 years out from my ex pulling this sort of BS to go spread her wings and go experience new things. Unfortunately for her, the journey hasn’t panned out quite like she thought it would. I haven’t spoken to her in over a year and a half, but from what I hear from mutual acquaintances, she realizes she screwed up big time and would do anything for a do over. I feel bad for her.

    For myself, I regrouped after the shock wore off and switched jobs, moved to a different city, and am pretty much having the time of my life. I’m not in a relationship, nor do I intend to do that again in the foreseeable future. Looking back, my ex did me a huge favor. Who knows, things may change and maybe I will soften up on the relationship thing. Right now I value my freedom too much to devote myself to someone again.

    For those whose partner has broken off with you under these circumstances, have faith. See it as an opportunity and see if you can turn your misfortune into a gift from your ex. Living well really can be the best revenge.

  35. Jason says:

    In response to the commenter “D” from “October 23, 2012.”

    ABSOLUTELY SPOT ON!

    I was recently broken up with from a 5 year relationship. I set goals to not engage her until I had finished college and had a career so I could provide for her and become ready to support a family. My “EX” met a new friend who is popular, pretty, skillful, and very intelligent. My “EX” did just as this commenter described.

    Ever thought about the guy you’re leaving behind? – No she didn’t.

    He’ll be left broken and questioning whether going through all the effort of keeping a woman happy for several years is worth it, if they can just throw it away on a whim. – Words can not describe the emotions and thoughts that came over me; there was no closure, only unanswered questions.

    Have you ever wondered why exactly it’s so hard to return to an ex-boyfriend that you do this to? – Now, she wants to reconcile, really? There is a LOT of trust that will need to be made up, IF I decide to allow her back into my life.

    It’s because you completely destroy their heart and force them to re-evaluate their approach to life. They become less trusting and less inclined to let the opposite-sex in – they may even treat them worse and not be so much of a ‘nice guy’ anymore. — Hmmm, I think I just mentioned that. I have not necessarily become less-nice, but I have shut out Everyone, even to the point a mutual friend had to come check up on me one night (never would I ever), I was exhausted because of all the stress and anxiety (started having panic attacks) that my body just shut down and I’d fall asleep the second I got home from work.

    Bringing it up completely out of the blue when he doesn’t expect it is the meanest and bitchiest thing you can do in life. I hope you’re proud of that. – My ex “opened up” to her friend and because my ex, bless her heart, was vulnerable, smart but not street smart, she decided that after a two-hour conversation to end it with me — I had graduated one month prior and proposed on graduation day. We had been a couple for 5 years and engaged for 1 month and she pulled that one me. She NOW realizes her friend was an idiot and wants to get reconciled, so I have to yet again reevaluate my reevaluation of my life.

    Ladies, forget this need for a Type A Alpha macho guy, I am a special education teacher, intelligent, good-looking by society’s standards, a Christian, which means I believe in Jesus Christ but also, it means that I have a system of beliefs, morals and values. Don’t let the romantic nice guys finish last because you can’t organize priorities and suppress biological tendencies.

  36. Johnny says:

    Of coarse it’s selfish; you’re thinking about your needs and desires over someone else. Being single is great fun but it’s something you do when you’re young and stupid and haven’t met that one person that makes settling down worth it. The author sounds like a selfish and heartlessly immature girl, but perhaps that’s why she needs to be single, to learn and grow.

    Personally I think she should have got it out the way when she was younger, not while she’s approaching 30. Just seems systemic of our consumable throw away culture that significant others can be discarded to fit a new lifestyle decision. And all because of #needmyindependence, or in this case a sense of self worth that she apparently gets from having drunk morons swooning all over her.

    Honestly, I don’t have a problem with the author’s decision but I do pity her because of it. Then again, we’ve all got to learn the lessons of life at own pace.

  37. Taylor says:

    I was dumped for this despicable reason too, 9 years into a serious cohabiting relationship and we were engaged.

    It doesn’t work out the way the author is painting it. My ex ended up with a guy within weeks, who then summarily dumped her because a prettier girl gave him her number. Then another guy who just wanted a FWB and she wanted something not too serious, but more than that. Another guy just because he was black that lasted only a few months, her life became a complete train wreck. She ended up alienating herself from all of her friends and had to move all the way to New Zealand just to start over. She married a guy and has a kid with him now, poor sod, once life gets a little stale she’ll be off at it again.

    Girls like the author genuinely like having a man in their life. You can’t decide to “stay single” and expect dudes to put you on a pedestal the way a boyfriend does. They booty call you, get drunk with you, have sex with you and leave first thing in the morning; because if your not willing to commit, why should they?

    A woman’s attractiveness is inverse to her age. Blow out your 30s being “single by choice” and you end up with friends who are all married with kids who have no time to enjoy your lifestyle then magically realizing just before age 40 that maybe you want a marriage and the white picket fence and the only guys interested in you are well into their 50s, your reproductive system doesn’t work well any more and your biological clock is a ticking time bomb.

    And with this picky attitude of refusing to settle for anything but perfection, she’ll look around and realize that all the good, stable, solid guys are either taken or they’ve been taken for a ride enough times that they have no interest in committing and whats left is damaged people who have baggage from past relationships.

    The time to meet your husband or wife is in your early 20s. Then you can have fun together, grow together, learn about the world together, and when you choose to settle down you share a world view. Waiting until your almost 40 is a tragic mistake that I’m sure the author is learning about right now.

  38. TheRealTruth says:

    Well there are many of us Good men looking for a Good woman to settle down with, and for us now being Single really sucks.

  39. summerlovin says:

    I have been in relationships for most of my 20s, other than a few summers and some time in college. Im 29 now, and just over a year ago met the most amazing girl. Shes fun, honest, loyal,loves sex, but never slept around, caring, you know the whole package! Shes also a beautiful short blondie! We get along great, but have had feelings lately, missing my single days…they were so fun and free. Now we are on a break because of my fear of the next step. and she doesnt live at my house anymore. We talk and she tells me she wont wait forever, and I feel i will lose her. Totally lost my god.

  40. Sash says:

    “Each day hundreds of women complain about finding an honest, nice guy. You found one and then broke his heart for your own selfish reasons”

    What’s even more selfish is staying when you know you no longer want to be there anymore and can’t give him the relationship he deserves.

  41. riskybubble says:

    I know it is hard to be left broken-hearted, because your partner is not sure about their feelings… It happened to me and my ex. He just decided that he wanted to be single and left me. At first I felt devastated because I thought our thing was so great, but after a while I started to see how things had not really worked between us for a long time. I accepted the fact and moved on. It’s just that now I am in the same situation as my ex was with me and I hate it so much! It’s like I’m the villain and my current boyfriend is the helpless victim, who’s yet to be left broken-hearted just as I was left in my past. Believe me, I don’t really want to hurt him, but I’ve had these doubts about us for quite some time now (I’ve discussed with him about them openly of course) and it seems like I can’t really shake the feeling off. So to all of you saying how bad it feels to see your partner break it off just because she/he wants to be single… You know deep down that they have those feelings for some reason. Maybe she doesn’t feel as strongly for you as you do towards her. Maybe she just needs to find herself before she can settle down. BUT whatever the reason is I can assure you that most of the time they are doing you a favor by breaking up with you. And there’s really no point trying to force someone to stay in a relationship with you if they feel like being single… You’ll just end up hurting each other in the end. Sometimes things just fall apart, so better things can replace them. I don’t think that true love is having doubts about the relationship all along and just wishing things will change… It’s about something else, I believe. And what’s the rush? If you decide to break it off with your boyfriend/girlfriend because you want to be single… Then it should be about that, and not trying to find someone else as soon as possible. It’s better to take it really slow and enjoy being single while you can, and next time when you decide to enter a relationship think it through carefully: Do you want to be with another person just to end up having doubts about them, too? Or are you willing to wait around for years if you have to for the most amazing partner to have an amazing relationship with? You know, most people are so scared to be alone that they try to rush things only to end up ruining everything. Do you want to be one of these people or are you confident enough to trust your feelings, when they are trying to tell you the truth? There’s nothing wrong about being alone. I hope I helped!

  42. reaganrose says:

    I’ve been with someone for almost 12 years. While I love them, I have wanted to leave so many times I have lost count. He is amazing, just as you said, helps me be a better person, supportive, loving, but I just don’t want to be with him. It’s nothing personal, I don’t even really want to date like you do. I just long for being in a quiet solitude without having to think of someone else first, and worried that I will upset him if I say the wrong thing. I prefer to be alone, always have. No idea what to do , because we own property together, run a business together, and everything is tied up with him. I feel so trapped.

  43. Gino says:

    Its completely selfish and obviously you are too immature to realize that by saying even if youre married you can leave out the front door whenever you want. You have to realize that you have a responsibility to the other person when you enter a relationship and especially marriage what with kids, property, and the real adult world. That is why you are supposed to settle your “needs”… BEFORE you enter a relaionship. Otherwise you are only fooling yourself and wasting everyones time. Grow up.

  44. Marz says:

    So, how are things now? Im 26 and have the same story, 8 years relationship and 7 of indecision. Even 2 years of on-off again. I don’t know what to do. Right now, im seriously considering to break up, but I have fear of the next and I can forgive myself of breaking her heart.

  45. LJC says:

    maybe if you had really kept her happy she wouldnt have left!

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