Stop worrying about sleeping together after three dates, or dropping “I love you” too soon. Here’s how to start taking it slow in a relationship.
Life today is fast. We want fast internet, fast food, fast money and fast sex. Alright, maybe not so much that last one out of context, but the rest is true. Some of us fall in love fast, and sometimes, even before that happens we’re have sex with our partner.
As teenagers, taking it slow in a relationship was much easier and much more common. When you’re young, taking it slow meant getting to know yourself. It meant asking yourself all of the questions that would fill your heart with butterflies like: How long before we kiss? Is it too soon to hold her hand? What will his body feel like? How will I know when the time is right?
While frustrating to be made to wait, these questions also made for a tantalizing dating experience. The rush of new experiences and the flush of slowly falling in love meant everything.
As adults who have already felt the thrills of sexual gratification and the connection it creates with a loved partner, we tend to spend less time falling in love in new relationships and more time itching to get our pants off. How romantic does that sound? [Read: 13 lusty signs to know if the sexual attraction is intense]
How to take it slow in your relationship
Whether you’ve found that you keep putting out early only to end up with selfish jerks *surprise, surprise – he only wanted one thing!* or you’re just ready to go back to the built-up sexual foreplay known as “dating someone before you’ve had sex with them” then we’re here to help. We’re looking at 5 ways of taking it slow in a relationship. [Read: 11 signs to know if you’re only being used for sex or money]
#1 Have active dates. If you’re determined to take your newest relationship slow, consider your date ideas as a helpful tool. Having active dates, such as going to the beach, going for a hike, heading to dinner, or hanging out in groups may actually encourage the two of you to take it slow in your relationship. Group dating allows you both to get to know one-another without the opportunity to get it on.
#2 Lay down the line before you’re in too deep. Taking it slow in a relationship may seem a little scary and unknown at first, and there are certainly many questions to consider before taking the leap. For example, are you going to offend your partner with your actions? If so, they’re a total jerk. That being said, it’s important to get it all out in the open at first.
As a male, you may wonder if you’re coming off like a wuss, or perhaps you may even be offending your partner and making her wonder why she isn’t desirable to you. As a female, you don’t want to lose your partner’s interest by never putting out, or equally make him feel like you don’t love or want him sexually. [Read: Why men subconsciously find the chase irresistible and end up falling harder]
Letting your partner know where you stand is important. Now, you probably shouldn’t jump out of a cake on your first date shouting from the rooftops about how they won’t be getting laid for a while if they go out with you… but don’t let it linger on for too long without saying *something*. Simply let your partner know: “I want to take things slow. Is that alright with you?” Then you can figure out where the other person stands before you’ve gone in too deep.
#3 Avoid sleeping over. The biggest no-no if you’re trying to take it slow is sleeping over, especially if wine is involved. Just because you’re trying not to sleep with somebody doesn’t mean you don’t want to.
In fact, *not* doing it is probably ensuring that sex is constantly on your mind. That’s why if you’re truly determined to go without sex until the time is right, don’t do anything that would make you tempted… like sleeping over!
#4 Don’t leave sex completely out. Just because you’re not having sex doesn’t mean you don’t want your partner, nor does it mean you don’t want to be desired by them. While you may not want to have sex right away, make sure you send the occasional naughty text or whisper in the ear about how bad you want them or all the naughty things you’ll do to them once you take that step. Remember, you don’t want to chase your partner away with your chastity. You want them to desire you. [Read: 20 sexy texts to start a naughty conversation, and yet stay away from sex]
#5 Don’t forget to have fun. Not to sound like your mom, but you’ll have plenty of time for sex later in your relationship. For now, get to know one-another and have fun dating and being together. Let’s be honest: Sex may be one of the most fun things you can possibly do with somebody, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t hundreds of other great things to enjoy with your boyfriend/girlfriend!
Learning is only half the battle! Now that we’ve seen how you can implement taking it slow in a relationship, here’s some great reasons why it’s a good idea!
#1 It builds anticipation. Anticipation is important in all relationships, old or new. What’s more thrilling than the months-long foreplay of not getting to sleep with someone? You get the option of wondering all about their most private of areas.
This is the best kind of fun and frustrating. Remember, once you have sex with someone, you can never undo it. This is the only time during your relationship where you don’t know the ins and outs of their bodies. No pun intended. [Read: 10 reasons why saying “I love you” too soon just sucks!]
#2 It prevents blinded expectations. Taking it slow in a relationship by not having sex may actually prevent you from staying with a total douche-bag longer than you should have. Due to the love-drug known as oxytocin, some men and women become somehow emotionally bonded after having sex. This means you’re more likely to overlook their less than charming personality traits. [Read: Why oxytocin can be toxic to less-than-perfect relationships]
How many women have stayed with a total jerk longer than necessary just because they were having sex? Keeping sex out of a relationship for an appropriate amount of time allows you to properly fall in love with that person and get to know their real qualities and personality without a sexually charged bias.
#3 It can un-complicate things. By not having sex right away, you’re going to be able to get to know exactly what you are and are not getting into with this person. Assuming you want a committed relationship to follow, you’ll get to know if sex means commitment for your partner, and whether they see this as a long-term deal. It also allows you to get to know your partner’s sexual history and STD-risks before things have already gotten messy. [Read: 18 tips to fall in love slowly like you’re in a fairytale]
The bottom line
While this advice may sound very high-school in nature, the truth is that if you’re with someone new and they can’t wait to have sex: dump them! Do all rushed sexual encounters turn into meaningless flings or morning walk-of-shames? Of course not. My parents were each other’s only one-night-stand, and they’ve been together 28 years. C’est la vie!
If you want to wait, DO! You should never be made to feel pressured or uncomfortable in your relationship. In the meantime, keep saying yes to new relationships and new opportunities. You never know when your equally-as-chaste and willing-to-wait partner may turn up.
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