So how do you fart in an elevator or at a movie, or while you’re just out on a date or out with pals? Here’s a complete guide to farting in public without ever getting caught!
Seen as a dirty part of human nature, people around you react furiously when you let one rip. But fret not, we know how to make you release the wind in the willows without anybody noticing!
Let it Rip
Don’t be afraid to let it rip anywhere, anytime. Chances are if it’s in a public place with loads of people around, all heads will be turning at each other in suspicion. You must do the same. Act normal, and let the smell intoxicate the zone around you. Remember, the fart is your oyster.
Slowly release the tension, but try to let it coincide with any noises around you so you can sneak it in. No one will notice it if there are noises around. Just remember, a fart is your ass’s way of saying ‘Hi’ when you forget it’s there.
The most important part about farting is preventing anybody from seeing you do that hard-to-avoid facial expression upon release. Instead, release it naturally, and the moment you see someone else with a disgusted face, you must express disgust, subtly. It shouldn’t be a case of you noticing the fart first. In most cases, whoever detected it, ejected it.
Firstly, wait for others around you to sniff a little. Once you see they have their faces in disgust, it’s up to you to react too. This is your cue. Slowly, screw up your face and put your index and thumb finger up to your nostrils. This will show your disgust and will instantly prove your innocence. While the others are sniffing it in, look around you, and if you have time for a second passing of air, do it, but make sure you don’t bend your knees as if you’re trying to shit it out. Just let it go easily.
Now that you’ve shown your disapproval, look around you and without pointing fingers per se, instead look at someone that looks like a farter, in disgust. The likelihood is that all others will look towards this person too. You need to be the ‘adult’ here. Lead others away from the act as if you’re a fireman on duty. Your leadership skills will be rewarded with glances of praise for your skill in dealing with the crime. At this point try not to release any more. Keep these in reserve for your next step, walking away.
Walk the Line
Slowly, but in calculated fashion, walk confidently away from the scene of the crime and take out your mobile to show you’re a busy person who doesn’t have time for all this farting about. Your walk should be cool, like you’re an ubersexual on the Paris catwalk. If you want to release again, say something loud on the phone, and release at that moment. The sound of your voice and the sound of your fart will coincide perfectly. You really are the Godfarter…
Wherever you may be, let your wind pass free
Swimming pools are always a good bet, even though bubbles will rise when you let it go. You can just flap your hands around when the bubbles rise indicating that the bubbles are a result of your hand waves and not your arse tremors.
If you need to let one go in the cinema, do it. With Dolby Surround Sound fitted into most cinemas, any scene usually has music or loud moments. Be opportunistic and release when the time is right. The only problem is you’ll have issues when the smell rises around you. Don’t worry though, it’s dark, nobody can point the finger. And even if they do, others can’t see.
Playing sports is always a good way to fart in public, especially with any sports involving running. Nobody can notice it because the adrenalin takes away anybody’s sense of noticing such an act. Just don’t fart if you’re playing wrestling, chess, or snooker. This would be disastrous and embarrassing.
Covert Farting Techniques!
Cough loudly when you fart.
Act cool and suave, as if you would never fart.
Fart when dressed smartly. Chances are, you don’t fart compared to someone in jeans and sneakers.
If you’re out on a first date, let it be silent but violent. And go blaming it on the waiter while he poured the wine.
If in a meeting, let it out. But use the ‘squeaky chair’ you’re sitting on as an excuse.
Now go share your fragrances with the world, oh Godfarter!
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